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Relationships

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Original poster

Why is this putting me off him?

160 replies

Lifebeginsat45 · 04/09/2022 17:07

When I first met him he was newly single (3 months). That relationship lasted 10 years and he has 2 dcs. He moved back home because of financial reasons. He's paying maintenance and debt that he has, so can't afford a place of his own. He says that it's his plan but could possibly be home with his mum for years.
He didn't have any close friends when we first met 16 months ago. He comes over to mine, probably twice a week and I cook. We only see eachother once or twice a week as he has his dcs every other weekend and I work and have my own dcs. We have had date nights too, but money can sometimes be tight for us both. I have dcs and a mortgage etc. I also run a car. He doesn't drive.
He would struggle more during the week of boredom as he doesn't have any commitments throughout the week. He started gaming and started going to watch the football on Saturdays. He has started to learn to drive too as his mum offered to pay for 10 lessons for him. Just recently he has got back in touch with old school friends, one of which is single again and apparently 're living his youth' (he's 33). This single friend has gone back to live at home and spends most evenings in the local club, drinking and playing pool. Also, messaging different women whilst having an affair at work. He is also into sniffing cocaine. It's absolutely none of my business what this friend does. However, now the guy I'm seeing is drinking more and now smoking (he smoked years ago apparently). Again completely up to him but that's not the guy I met. It's a bit off putting. I guess he hasn't got anything to do when he's not with me but for some reason it's putting me off him. Nothing has changed with us. The change is the company he keeps. He says money is tight but he is drinking and smoking alot.
I'm wondering if there is anyone who is in a relationship but not living together. How do they spend there time when not with you. There is no way I'm going to tell someone how they should live their life but when you start dating someone, you have little things that would and wouldld be acceptable to you. I definitely wouldn't have started dating someone who drinks at their local 4 times a week and smokes 20 a day. Also has friends who take cochineal, even if they didn't. Each to their own but that not for me. Why is this putting me off him?

OP posts:

ToFindNewWays · 04/09/2022 17:09

It’s putting you off him because you never wanted a heavy smoker who’s on the piss with an immature mate four nights a week.

I don’t blame you for wanting to end the relationship.

Sidge · 04/09/2022 17:10

That’s your hard line?

I can list about a dozen things in your post that would put me off him…

Original poster

Lifebeginsat45 · 04/09/2022 17:14

But he is kind to me and would probably do anything for me.

OP posts:

iklboo · 04/09/2022 17:15

It's probably the sudden conversion to 'man child copying his mates to stay in the gang' that's putting you off. It would me, too.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 04/09/2022 17:15

He is a druggie.
Raise your bar op.

Original poster

Lifebeginsat45 · 04/09/2022 17:26

He doesn't take drugs, the friend does.
I have said his company he keeps is a little unsettling but it's up to him how he spends his time. He says, he's his own person.

OP posts:

quietnightmare · 04/09/2022 17:48

If he would do anything for you surely he wouldn't want to be out drinking and whatever else all the time

Original poster

Lifebeginsat45 · 04/09/2022 17:56

I can't commit to seeing him more than once or twice a week as he doesn't drive so stays over. I have other commitments and my dcs and I work full time and get home some evenings at 6.30 so by the time I have cooked, showered etc, I'm too shattered. So he hasn't got anything to do

OP posts:

YaWeeFurryBastard · 04/09/2022 18:00

I would have dumped him for the first paragraph alone. Raise your standards!

LetHimHaveIt · 04/09/2022 18:01

'He says, he's his own person.'

How profound. Aren't we all?

Thethreecs · 04/09/2022 18:04

If he doesn't have commitments during the week do you mean he doesn't work?

Someone who has debt, drinks and smokes a lot will be a drain on your relationship as you'll be paying for most things.

He should have had a decent break after his marriage to re live his youth. 3 months is very soon so I can see why he's enjoying hanging out with his single mate.

What's his plans for the future?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/09/2022 18:06

Why is your relationship bar so low here?. Is he all you think you deserve?. A man who uses your home to eat in twice a week?. What sort of an example are you showing your kids by letting this man enter your home and life?. What are they learning from you about relationships?.

Would you want your adult children to be in such a relationship, no. And it’s not good enough for you either.

AnHonestAnswer · 04/09/2022 18:07

I can understand the drinking and smoking being off putting. I used to be a heavy smoker myself, so it’s not a judgment thing - I just find the smell of cigarettes and alcohol on a person quite revolting now. To the point where it would kill my physical attraction to them.

Original poster

Lifebeginsat45 · 04/09/2022 18:10

He works a 9 to 5. After work, he has not much going on. His mum cooks. He has his dcs every other weekend and once in the week.
I did speak about this when we got together and he was very much adamant he did not want to re live his youth (its the friend reliving his youth). He says he would drop anything for me but I can't commit to that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lifebeginsat45 · 04/09/2022 18:13

I'm not sure what I deserve to be honest!
His plan is to get his own place but he can't afford it and I can see why, it's so expensive. He is learning to drive.
He doesn't smoke around me. I can't stand it!

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 04/09/2022 18:14

He's nice to you, hmm I bet he is as you are doing stuff for him when he comes round. But, if being nice to you is your only requirement, it's time you did raise the bar, otherwise you could end up with a total loser that's nice to you.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 04/09/2022 18:21

Anyone who decides in their 30s to start smoking because they’re bored is an idiot. Combine that with the questionable friends, living with his mum, etc., I’d move on.

You say he’d do anything for you, but what can he actually do? Support you emotionally? Not when he can only get to you twice a week. Support you financially? Obviously not. Be a great role model for your DCs? Sure, if you want them to grow up to live with you in their thirties, spending most of their days at the pub, and smoking away their good health and savings. I mean, really…

ValerieDoonican · 04/09/2022 18:22

Well he got together with you really soon after the end of his marriage/LTR and it sounds as though, unsurprisingly, he is in no way ready for another committed relationship. I would leave him to get this out of his system, on his own. You really need someone in your life who is at the same stage as you - ie settled and self-sufficient.

I very much doubt you are his priority. It's not necessarily a fault on his part though; he is having fun with his mates in the week and getting a nice meal and a shag wirh someone he likes, a couple of nights on top - why would he give either up if you accommodate him?

But unless you are mainly into him for the company and sex as well, rather than something more 'part of your life' longer term, it sounds as though this is making you uncomfortable.

I don't think you need to frame it as him 'doing something wrong' - just that the new social life he has is highlighting that you are at different life points and his life is moving in a direction that you are not, don't want to be, and can't be, part of.

In your position I think I just wouldn't feel I could be sure of him - his priorities, his finances, his health and sobriety. And that would definitely put me off, I just wouldn't want to keep seeing him.

madasawethen · 04/09/2022 18:22

He sounds like a boring manchild doing the bare minimum in life.

schmalex · 04/09/2022 18:23

Surely 99% of people are nice. Your standards are very low OP if you think this means you can't break up with him.

I wouldn't want to date a smoker either.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 04/09/2022 18:28

It’s putting you off him because his actions don’t match with the image he portrayed of himself when you first met. He probably led you to believe that he was a hard worker in a shit situation, doing his best to rebuild a life and get on his feet again but the reality is that he has reverted to living the lifestyle of a teenager.

CateringForThree · 04/09/2022 18:33

Because the way he is living his life doesn’t scream ‘I’m a responsible mature adult’.
If he was, he wouldnt be at the pub. 4 times a week but would be doing his best to pay his debts asap. He wouldn’t be relying on his mum paying for lessons/ pa roof/food etc …but would be looking for a second job to pay for that.

Just now he is more living like a student than an adult with two young dcs.

so yay I’m not surprised it’s putting you off.

As an aside, why he get divorce? It might also tie with the way he is ‘living his life’ now….

MsBullseye · 04/09/2022 18:34

Ditch the manchild, he's slowly showing you who he is. He can't be that bothered about his finances as he's basically pissing them up the wall. The next thing is he'll have a swinging jaw and dilated pupils and be in debt to a dealer....

iklboo · 05/09/2022 10:03

He says he's his own person

He can be his own person on his own then, can't he?

Somanysocks · 05/09/2022 10:11

Frankly, you're not really selling him here.

If I were you, I would raise my standards.

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