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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why is this putting me off him?

160 replies

Lifebeginsat45 · 04/09/2022 17:07

When I first met him he was newly single (3 months). That relationship lasted 10 years and he has 2 dcs. He moved back home because of financial reasons. He's paying maintenance and debt that he has, so can't afford a place of his own. He says that it's his plan but could possibly be home with his mum for years.
He didn't have any close friends when we first met 16 months ago. He comes over to mine, probably twice a week and I cook. We only see eachother once or twice a week as he has his dcs every other weekend and I work and have my own dcs. We have had date nights too, but money can sometimes be tight for us both. I have dcs and a mortgage etc. I also run a car. He doesn't drive.
He would struggle more during the week of boredom as he doesn't have any commitments throughout the week. He started gaming and started going to watch the football on Saturdays. He has started to learn to drive too as his mum offered to pay for 10 lessons for him. Just recently he has got back in touch with old school friends, one of which is single again and apparently 're living his youth' (he's 33). This single friend has gone back to live at home and spends most evenings in the local club, drinking and playing pool. Also, messaging different women whilst having an affair at work. He is also into sniffing cocaine. It's absolutely none of my business what this friend does. However, now the guy I'm seeing is drinking more and now smoking (he smoked years ago apparently). Again completely up to him but that's not the guy I met. It's a bit off putting. I guess he hasn't got anything to do when he's not with me but for some reason it's putting me off him. Nothing has changed with us. The change is the company he keeps. He says money is tight but he is drinking and smoking alot.
I'm wondering if there is anyone who is in a relationship but not living together. How do they spend there time when not with you. There is no way I'm going to tell someone how they should live their life but when you start dating someone, you have little things that would and wouldld be acceptable to you. I definitely wouldn't have started dating someone who drinks at their local 4 times a week and smokes 20 a day. Also has friends who take cochineal, even if they didn't. Each to their own but that not for me. Why is this putting me off him?

OP posts:

Original poster

Lifebeginsat45 · 05/09/2022 21:36

This has all happened over a short space of time (the friends bit).
He's actually average looking. I wasn't initially attracted to him.
Reading here has helped me se some sense.
I have had a couple of conversations in regards to us maybe not be compatible. However, I question myself sometimes. This is new and I have mentioned that I didn't meet him when he chose to do all of the above. I don't want to seem like I'm nagging him or telling him how he should spend his money. I keep highlighting how much better he would feel living independently and I can spend time there too. He highlights how expensive it is and he needs to have some luxuries ie football season ticket, taking his dcs out for food etc, and now clearly the added fans and booze. He knows I don't want to live with anyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lifebeginsat45 · 05/09/2022 21:37

Fags*

OP posts:

OldFan · 05/09/2022 21:41

I keep highlighting how much better he would feel living independently and I can spend time there too. He highlights how expensive it is and he needs to have some luxuries

I think a lot of us find our independence and freedom to live our own life priceless or worth the price, even if we're skint. No amount of surplus income would make living with my mum enough for me (and my mum's great.)

SmileLuvItMayNeverHappen · 05/09/2022 21:46

You'll be making another thread on here in 6 months time when you're expecting and this deadbeat loser surprisingly doesn't want to know

OldFan · 05/09/2022 22:51

@Lifebeginsat45 Zomg Smile makes a good point. Make sure you are careful you don't get pregnant for a while at least.

Original poster

Lifebeginsat45 · 06/09/2022 06:56

That won't be happening!

OP posts:

Monty27 · 06/09/2022 07:23

OP you know he's trouble.
Do what you have to do. It's your life, and heart don't get it broken

Xpologog · 06/09/2022 07:25

If money is short why doesn’t he do a second job a few nights a week? Lots of people do. I did and I was responsible for two dc.
He sounds lazy and the drinking and smoking is unattractive. You can do better, no point in trying to be his saviour.

Original poster

Lifebeginsat45 · 06/09/2022 07:33

Thankyou, I really appreciate the support here!
It is very unattractive. At the beginning I thought he would try to get himself sorted he managed to combine his debts into one. He did actually gamble at the beginning. Only on a phone app, a small amount. He stopped that. He was offered over time on weekend but he says he has his dcs and then that leaves the alternate weekend for us so he didn't want to.
I could understand financially his difficulties. It's very expensive. However this new drinking more and smoking has thrown a spanner in the works.

OP posts:

deeperthanallroses · 06/09/2022 07:37

He must be spending a lot on the smoking alone.
but personally, after this amount of time, I’d expect a partner to have shopped on the way and turned up and cooked for me and him not doing that would probably be a deal breaker for me. Good home cooked meals and partners that pull their weight in the domestic load are both very important to me.

NewtoHolland · 06/09/2022 07:41

Be wants a mummy not a wife ..why isn't he cooking for you sometimes? Get rid.

HellonHeels · 06/09/2022 07:41

Gambling?! Are his debts due to gambling? He is sounding more and more unappealing.

Do you know why his previous relationship ended?

Culldesack · 06/09/2022 08:18

So he is also irresponsible with money and has no idea how to prioritise funds. No, you're only trying to convince yourself he is worth it. Once you do that, it's time to end it.

FinallyHere · 06/09/2022 09:22

He does sound like a pleasant person. I'd be inclined to keep him as a friend to go for walks but knock off any cooking / overnight stays.

If he sticks around, he may indeed become a good friend.

Octomore · 06/09/2022 09:23

Any kind of regular gambling would also be a deal breaker for me. This guy isn't a keeper.

Original poster

Lifebeginsat45 · 06/09/2022 09:40

His last relationship broke up because she was quite controlling and it was easier for him not to have friends.
His debt is because his ex wanted what they couldn't afford. They apparently had many credit cards.
I have said about him cooking for me at mine as he doesn't have his own place. It happened once. I can be quite fussy but I said always happy with a jacket potato. I'm not sure why that stopped. I just got into a pattern of doing it.

OP posts:

Octomore · 06/09/2022 09:46

So it was all her fault? I am very wary of people who tell me that their problems are all someone else's fault. He had agency in he situation too, he has to take accountability for his own decisions.

He's a grown adult. He was quite capable of not spending money on his credit card just because his ex wanted something. He was quite capable of saying "No, I can't afford that. If you want it you'll have to buy it yourself."

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 06/09/2022 09:54

Another red flag there, blaming the ex for his problems. Be interesting to hear her take on it

Octomore · 06/09/2022 10:00

Also, the evidence shows that he wants things he can't afford. He's living with his mum, but spending on booze, fags, gambling, and football season tickets.

0live · 06/09/2022 10:07

This is why perfect sensible single mums end up with cocklodgers.

They don’t have childcare so it’s easier for him to come to their place.

They are cooking / doing the laundry for their kids so they might as well cook for him too.

His flatmates are messy / his mum is annoying / her place is nearer his work so he might as well stay over and get a free bed and sex on demand.

He doesn’t have much money so he can’t afford to go out anywhere.

His ex left him with lot of debts / his booze, fags and weed is expensive so he can’t afford to buy any food.

They are paying for Netflix / Skye/ buying a PS5 for their kids so he might as well watch it / play it.

They don’t want to be controlling to of course it’s fine for him to go out with his mates every weekend.

But he says nice things to her, buys sweets for her kids and doesn’t beat her up so he must be a great guy who has just fallen on hard times. And if they just keep being there for him and supporting him and lending him money, it will be all right in the end. #beKind

BakersYeast · 06/09/2022 10:16

Lifebeginsat45 · 06/09/2022 09:40

His last relationship broke up because she was quite controlling and it was easier for him not to have friends

In other words what you are complaining about ? It sounds to me that you are just FWBs.

Octomore · 06/09/2022 10:30

His last relationship broke up because she was quite controlling and it was easier for him not to have friends

I think it'd be interesting to hear his ex's take on this. I mean, look at who he chooses as his friends, and how he chooses to spend his time with them.

It's likely she wasn't that impressed by him wanting to spend 4 nights a week in the pub with a cokehead when they had small children at home to look after. And do you blame her?

5128gap · 06/09/2022 10:32