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Relationships

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Original poster

Why is this putting me off him?

160 replies

Lifebeginsat45 · 04/09/2022 17:07

When I first met him he was newly single (3 months). That relationship lasted 10 years and he has 2 dcs. He moved back home because of financial reasons. He's paying maintenance and debt that he has, so can't afford a place of his own. He says that it's his plan but could possibly be home with his mum for years.
He didn't have any close friends when we first met 16 months ago. He comes over to mine, probably twice a week and I cook. We only see eachother once or twice a week as he has his dcs every other weekend and I work and have my own dcs. We have had date nights too, but money can sometimes be tight for us both. I have dcs and a mortgage etc. I also run a car. He doesn't drive.
He would struggle more during the week of boredom as he doesn't have any commitments throughout the week. He started gaming and started going to watch the football on Saturdays. He has started to learn to drive too as his mum offered to pay for 10 lessons for him. Just recently he has got back in touch with old school friends, one of which is single again and apparently 're living his youth' (he's 33). This single friend has gone back to live at home and spends most evenings in the local club, drinking and playing pool. Also, messaging different women whilst having an affair at work. He is also into sniffing cocaine. It's absolutely none of my business what this friend does. However, now the guy I'm seeing is drinking more and now smoking (he smoked years ago apparently). Again completely up to him but that's not the guy I met. It's a bit off putting. I guess he hasn't got anything to do when he's not with me but for some reason it's putting me off him. Nothing has changed with us. The change is the company he keeps. He says money is tight but he is drinking and smoking alot.
I'm wondering if there is anyone who is in a relationship but not living together. How do they spend there time when not with you. There is no way I'm going to tell someone how they should live their life but when you start dating someone, you have little things that would and wouldld be acceptable to you. I definitely wouldn't have started dating someone who drinks at their local 4 times a week and smokes 20 a day. Also has friends who take cochineal, even if they didn't. Each to their own but that not for me. Why is this putting me off him?

OP posts:

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 05/09/2022 10:20

Lifebeginsat45 · 04/09/2022 17:26

He doesn't take drugs, the friend does.
I have said his company he keeps is a little unsettling but it's up to him how he spends his time. He says, he's his own person.

But the company someone keeps does reflect on them.

VanillaParkersBowl · 05/09/2022 10:25

He says, he's his own person.

who has been easily influenced by his drinking, smoking, drug taking shagger of a pal. Yeah, I'd find that a bit offputting too.

There are better fish out there, OP.

mscampbelle · 05/09/2022 10:25

You are obviously very lonely and desperate for a relationship. That's ok, but
every second you spend with his guy is a waste. He obviously isn't relationship material.

You need to write a short list of the personal qualities or values that you want in a boyfriend and go find someone who has those things.

Natty13 · 05/09/2022 10:32

Lifebeginsat45 · 04/09/2022 17:14

But he is kind to me and would probably do anything for me.

Ask him to get a hobby, get some friends who do more than drink and doss about. Ask him to pull his finger out and save, work towards moving out his mum's....Will he do that?

mrsbitaly · 05/09/2022 10:37

The problem is it probably bearable right now because you don't live with eachother. If you are invested in the relationship then eventually the next step would be to move in together but if your not happy with what he does in his time then how will you cope when the time comes to make things more serious?

ZekeZeke · 05/09/2022 10:46

You have heard of the phrase birds of a feather flock together.

This man child is bad news and brings nothing positive to your life. Raise your standards and throw this one back in.

velvetvixen · 05/09/2022 10:48

Raise your bar ffs.

Original poster

Lifebeginsat45 · 05/09/2022 20:36

Thanks for your feedback.
I probably do need to raise the bar. Been out of the dating pool for a while. To be honest, I think I'm a bit rubbish at it (clearly).
Interested to hear what everyone's 'bars' are?

OP posts:

BEAM123 · 05/09/2022 20:50

My bar, (when I was still mistakenly flogging the dead horse of dating men, that is), was:

Financially responsible
Have a decent job ie have progressed in life
Shared sense of humour
Considerate
Independent
Kind
General good judgement and competence
Absolute honesty
Does not rely on their mum to bale them out.

I would not want to emotionally invest in someone who does not care about me or themselves enough to look after their own health.

And as an older wiser person once said to me 'never marry a man who can't afford to take you out for dinner'.

bloodyunicorns · 05/09/2022 20:52

Lifebeginsat45 · 04/09/2022 17:14

But he is kind to me and would probably do anything for me.

That's a pretty low bar...

FinallyHere · 05/09/2022 20:52

He comes over to mine, probably twice a week and I cook.

What does he contribute ? I'm guessing you buy the food and drink, do the cooking and tidy the kitchen.

What does he do?

My minimum bar is that anyone tries to ensure that things are always 'fair', which would include take it in turns to bring provide the meal. Perfectly possible to bring food (good bread, pate, salad, bottle of wine would make a decent meal) or bring wine each week.

To focus on what he can do for you, rather than what he gets from visiting you.

OldFan · 05/09/2022 20:56

He sounds already immature and now in a phase of trying to recapture his youth (bad combination.)

Living with his mum would be a turn off for me from the start, also things like mum paying for his driving lessons.

5128gap · 05/09/2022 21:03

If my maths is right, your man was in his previous relationship by the age of 21? Living like a married man with children.
At 31 (?) he's suddenly transported back 10 years living with mum, best mates with Peter Pan, and a second go round at what he missed out on. When he met you he was drifting and directionless and went for what he knew, another relationship. Now he's got what he missed out on, he might at well be 21 again. If you don't want a 21 year old partner, move on.

JulesCobb · 05/09/2022 21:04

So he has his children 4 nights a fortnight. He cannot afford to house them. And has his mum cooking for him and them. And you cooking for him the other nights.

how do you date? Does he just come to yours? Do you both ever go on nights out?
what is it you find appealing about him?

Original poster

Lifebeginsat45 · 05/09/2022 21:06

If we have been out, he has paid on occasions. We don't go out much.
I could undertake at the beginning, moving home as its difficult to start again on one income. I just thought I'd see some kind of plan moving forward in regards to him getting his own place. It's not happening any time soon so it appears.
He's has messaged me from his friends house tonight but I have ignored it as I am struggling with this.
I guess I feel mean thinking it, feeling it.
He has offered to take me to the cinema this week. I'm guessing he will pay and I will do the driving so that's fair.

OP posts:

0live · 05/09/2022 21:08

mscampbelle · 05/09/2022 10:25

You are obviously very lonely and desperate for a relationship. That's ok, but
every second you spend with his guy is a waste. He obviously isn't relationship material.

You need to write a short list of the personal qualities or values that you want in a boyfriend and go find someone who has those things.

This. You deserve better than this loser.

Octomore · 05/09/2022 21:09

There are several things in your post that would probably be dealbreakers for me when added together:

He has debt - unless for a very good reason, I want a man to be basically solvent
"He didn't have any close friends" - why not? This might say more about him than you realise.
"He would struggle more during the week of boredom as he doesn't have any commitments throughout the week" - so he's a grown man who can't entertain himself with a hobby or interest?
He is attempting to relive his youth, drinking and smoking a lot
He mainly hangs around with someone who takes coke and has affairs - I do believe that people can be judged by the company they keep to a certain extent

OldFan · 05/09/2022 21:11

would probably do anything for me

Seems unlikely as he's not doing much at all.

Been out of the dating pool for a while. To be honest, I think I'm a bit rubbish at it (clearly). Interested to hear what everyone's 'bars' are?

I have quite a few dealbreakers I expect which mean I'd have no more to do with a bloke.

Mainly talking about physical stuff in any way early on, including slight inappropriate comments on my appearance.

Definitely would want them to put the same amount into activities etc financially.

Drugs a definite no.

The living with mum thing to me would mean he has to be amazing in other ways to overcome it- I'd also want him to have a plan to move out to his own place of some kind soon, which is genuine and he acts on.

Octomore · 05/09/2022 21:12

And that's without going into his reliance on his mum!

Original poster

Lifebeginsat45 · 05/09/2022 21:13

The Peter pan comment made me laugh!
Appealing?
He's very kind to me, he is caring, he has been kind to my dcs and family, he has made kind gestures such as sent flowers and suggested nice walks and cinema. He is quite chilled. I think he would come over every night if I suggested it. He has offered fuel money at times and happy to walk wherever.

OP posts:

Octomore · 05/09/2022 21:15

Lifebeginsat45 · 05/09/2022 21:13

You don't have to reward kindness by becoming someone's life partner.

Octomore · 05/09/2022 21:17

For me, a man has to have something about him. Things he's interested in/passionate about, because having a passion is what makes an interesting person IME.

Someone who spends most of his free time in the pub is not a good long term prospect. People don't change, and behaviour patterns rarely change much. I have no interest in having a partner who mainly wants to be in the pub hanging around with knobheads.

catandcoffee · 05/09/2022 21:18

OP I'm sure he'd be delighted to come over every night.

Just don't let him move in.

Culldesack · 05/09/2022 21:27

Non driver, smoker, no initiative to keep active, no home. Set your sights higher. He will be edging himself into your place soon.

SmileLuvItMayNeverHappen · 05/09/2022 21:28

He's probably very good looking

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