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Original poster

Why is this putting me off him?

160 replies

Lifebeginsat45 · 04/09/2022 17:07

When I first met him he was newly single (3 months). That relationship lasted 10 years and he has 2 dcs. He moved back home because of financial reasons. He's paying maintenance and debt that he has, so can't afford a place of his own. He says that it's his plan but could possibly be home with his mum for years.
He didn't have any close friends when we first met 16 months ago. He comes over to mine, probably twice a week and I cook. We only see eachother once or twice a week as he has his dcs every other weekend and I work and have my own dcs. We have had date nights too, but money can sometimes be tight for us both. I have dcs and a mortgage etc. I also run a car. He doesn't drive.
He would struggle more during the week of boredom as he doesn't have any commitments throughout the week. He started gaming and started going to watch the football on Saturdays. He has started to learn to drive too as his mum offered to pay for 10 lessons for him. Just recently he has got back in touch with old school friends, one of which is single again and apparently 're living his youth' (he's 33). This single friend has gone back to live at home and spends most evenings in the local club, drinking and playing pool. Also, messaging different women whilst having an affair at work. He is also into sniffing cocaine. It's absolutely none of my business what this friend does. However, now the guy I'm seeing is drinking more and now smoking (he smoked years ago apparently). Again completely up to him but that's not the guy I met. It's a bit off putting. I guess he hasn't got anything to do when he's not with me but for some reason it's putting me off him. Nothing has changed with us. The change is the company he keeps. He says money is tight but he is drinking and smoking alot.
I'm wondering if there is anyone who is in a relationship but not living together. How do they spend there time when not with you. There is no way I'm going to tell someone how they should live their life but when you start dating someone, you have little things that would and wouldld be acceptable to you. I definitely wouldn't have started dating someone who drinks at their local 4 times a week and smokes 20 a day. Also has friends who take cochineal, even if they didn't. Each to their own but that not for me. Why is this putting me off him?

OP posts:
Culldesack · 06/09/2022 11:19

Lifebeginsat45 · 06/09/2022 10:43

I agree, very insightful Olive, thankyou.
Thankyou for the comments. This definitely opens your eyes a little.

Hope you now realise how much better you can do. Be single until you're sure there's somebody worthy of you. I had to teach myself how to value me before I expected anybody else too. Its liberating when you realise your core values and don't compromise them. Good luck x

layladomino · 06/09/2022 12:43

You said that you wouldn't have chosen a drinking, smoking, gaming bf. Your bf has shown you he is that person. So there should be no confusion....

You asked what other people's dealbreakers are. Mine would be

  • no addictions (drinking / smoking / gambling)
  • fully functioning adult who takes responsibilty for their own life
  • financially sensible (not necessarily rich but not someone who spends money on drink and cigarettes while saying they can't afford to move out of their mum's house, for example).

I suspect your lines are the same and you've just fallen in to being with someone you wouldn't normally choose to be with. To be honest, any adult who thinks 'but I'm bored' is a reasonable response to something is really unattractive and immature.

Goldpaw · 06/09/2022 13:37

he has made kind gestures such as sent flowers and suggested nice walks and cinema.

Come on OP! Read back what you're writing!!!

WoodlandMummy · 06/09/2022 13:42

Why is this putting me off him?

Do you really have to ask?

Your bar is terribly low Confused

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 06/09/2022 13:52

His mum is paying for his driving lessons. This in itself would be such a turn off. Understandable if he’s a teenager, but as an adult just No. if he can’t afford driving lessons there’s no way he’s going to be a buying a house for the foreseeable

Original poster
Lifebeginsat45 · 06/09/2022 17:58

It appears my bar is very low!
I have never had to end a relationship before. I don't want to hurt anyone. I think this is going to.
How do I do this in the kindest way?

OP posts:
minticecreamisjustok · 06/09/2022 19:25

He's too immature for you, it's difficult but think of you time you're wasting with him, just be honest and say it isn't working for you.

ClareBlue · 06/09/2022 19:57

Got to admit have seen that pattern numerous times over the years

Closetbeanmuncher · 06/09/2022 22:54

I give it a month tops before he’s on the nose candy…

I also foresee him moving in with this “mate” or using that as leverage to move into your place.

FinallyHere · 06/09/2022 23:03

How do I do this in the kindest way

Do it in person. Say it's not you, it's me. This is just not working for me.

Let him get away with dignity as soon as you have explained.

Original poster
Lifebeginsat45 · 06/09/2022 23:08

I had a conversation tonight....
I explained his choices were something I saw as of a youngster. He said I am thinking of negatives that haven't happened or exist. I explained it is existing. He thinks he is doing nothing wrong by sitting in the garden of his friends house having a chat rather than be at home in his bedroom. I'm not being fair to judge him on someone else's actions.
I explained his actions are his own business, it's the company he is deciding to keep that is concerning and I did not meet someone who like the company of a grown pest (apparently he message women on social media when drunk), who is acting like a manchild. I didn't meet him when he drank and smoked 20 a day either. I said I met someone who spoke about getting their own place for me to visit. Someone I assumed would be able to entertain themselves rather than be 'bored' at home. I said I didn't exactly sign up for this relationship wise.
Sorry, it was long.
He has basically said if he could be with me 24/7 he would. Plenty of people have single friends. He's not doing anything wrong. He's not acting the way his single friend is. I'm being silly and I'm not trusting him which I'm not being fair. Again, repeatedly saying he is own man not influenced by anyone.
He us still the same person who would do anything for me. I told him I was tired and ended the call.

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 06/09/2022 23:12

How are you feeling now?

Original poster
Lifebeginsat45 · 06/09/2022 23:25

Part of me thinks its only a matter of time before he may realise he likes the idea of single life, especially as he wasn't single long. However, he thinks I should trust him, maybe I should but the company he Is keeping and his choices aren't really settling.
I feel mean telling him he should be in his own place etc, I think that's just me as a person though. I don't want to put anyone down or hurt their feelings.
I feel mean telling him his choices are off putting and that is not what I signed up to.
I have tried to point out on a few occasionally that I'm unsure we are moving in the same direction. He manages to talk me round. I feel a bit trapped. It's my own fault for continuing thinking things will change and he will become independent.

OP posts:
pog100 · 06/09/2022 23:30

You are not trapped. You no longer fancy him, for good reasons. Just stop seeing him. You are the very opposite of trapped, you are completely free.

CuriousMama · 06/09/2022 23:43

It really shouldn't feel like that. Don't let him talk you round.
Be comfortable with yourself. You don't need this.

Ffsjustltb · 06/09/2022 23:59

You've got a cuckoo in your nest.
olive is* *telling it like it is

DFOD · 07/09/2022 00:01

I suspect his LTR ended because he has an addiction - maybe alcohol, weed or coke. That would explain the debt and his “controlling” ex - ie in reality her trying to manage him and his insistence of “being his own person. No friends or hobbies - big red flags.

He might have been “clean” for a bit but has since slipped back into pub and fags and possibly coke.

But don’t try to analyse him - just tend to your confused / unsettled feelings - which really mean this RS is way “off” and you are wrestling with fear of loneliness and having a confrontation.

End it for good now. Block his number. Don’t give him the opportunity to win you round. You can do much better than this.

DFOD · 07/09/2022 00:03

0live · 06/09/2022 10:07

This is why perfect sensible single mums end up with cocklodgers.

They don’t have childcare so it’s easier for him to come to their place.

They are cooking / doing the laundry for their kids so they might as well cook for him too.

His flatmates are messy / his mum is annoying / her place is nearer his work so he might as well stay over and get a free bed and sex on demand.

He doesn’t have much money so he can’t afford to go out anywhere.

His ex left him with lot of debts / his booze, fags and weed is expensive so he can’t afford to buy any food.

They are paying for Netflix / Skye/ buying a PS5 for their kids so he might as well watch it / play it.

They don’t want to be controlling to of course it’s fine for him to go out with his mates every weekend.

But he says nice things to her, buys sweets for her kids and doesn’t beat her up so he must be a great guy who has just fallen on hard times. And if they just keep being there for him and supporting him and lending him money, it will be all right in the end. #beKind

Agree - this is it.

SpinCityBlues · 07/09/2022 00:13

‘If he could be there with you 24/7 he would …’ [paraphrased]

Ffs OP, don’t let him move in. Don’t even listen to him angling to move in.

Listen to @0live And @DFOD and the others.

mycatisannoying · 07/09/2022 00:38

I couldn't handle being with a man who lives with his mammy, and who is happy to take the money off her for driving lessons.
My respect for him would be long gone ...

ThirtyThreeTrees · 07/09/2022 00:58

I can't do multi quotes but there are at 14 red flags here

  1. Debt from previous
  2. Gambling
  3. Lives no home with aspirations to leave
  4. Immature
  5. Started smoking again in his 33s
  6. Happy to let mum pat for driving license
  7. Acquired another man child friend
  8. Describes ex as controlling & crazy
  9. No friends other than above man child
10. Prioritises football tickets overvdent repayment 11. Says he "is his own man" - he needs to be a grown man 12. Financially reckless 13. Bad role model for his kids/your kids 14. You are incompatible- there is a massive maturity and responsibility gap

The bar isn't even just low, it's been buried underground.

Musttryharder2021 · 07/09/2022 05:30

Is he good in the sack op@Lifebeginsat45
Is that why you're holding on to this? As pps have pointed out, he's not offering much else that a grown, functioning adult should.

hattie43 · 07/09/2022 06:06

What actually does he have going for him . Not a lot by what you've written .

hattie43 · 07/09/2022 06:07

YaWeeFurryBastard · 04/09/2022 18:00

I would have dumped him for the first paragraph alone. Raise your standards!

Absolutely this.
Any future with him looks bleak

LadyWithLapdog · 07/09/2022 06:47

Is there a large age gap between you OP? Or am I reading too much in your username?