Why is this putting me off him?

[Lifebeginsat45]

When I first met him he was newly single (3 months). That relationship lasted 10 years and he has 2 dcs. He moved back home because of financial reasons. He's paying maintenance and debt that he has, so can't afford a place of his own. He says that it's his plan but could possibly be home with his mum for years.
He didn't have any close friends when we first met 16 months ago. He comes over to mine, probably twice a week and I cook. We only see eachother once or twice a week as he has his dcs every other weekend and I work and have my own dcs. We have had date nights too, but money can sometimes be tight for us both. I have dcs and a mortgage etc. I also run a car. He doesn't drive.
He would struggle more during the week of boredom as he doesn't have any commitments throughout the week. He started gaming and started going to watch the football on Saturdays. He has started to learn to drive too as his mum offered to pay for 10 lessons for him. Just recently he has got back in touch with old school friends, one of which is single again and apparently 're living his youth' (he's 33). This single friend has gone back to live at home and spends most evenings in the local club, drinking and playing pool. Also, messaging different women whilst having an affair at work. He is also into sniffing cocaine. It's absolutely none of my business what this friend does. However, now the guy I'm seeing is drinking more and now smoking (he smoked years ago apparently). Again completely up to him but that's not the guy I met. It's a bit off putting. I guess he hasn't got anything to do when he's not with me but for some reason it's putting me off him. Nothing has changed with us. The change is the company he keeps. He says money is tight but he is drinking and smoking alot.
I'm wondering if there is anyone who is in a relationship but not living together. How do they spend there time when not with you. There is no way I'm going to tell someone how they should live their life but when you start dating someone, you have little things that would and wouldld be acceptable to you. I definitely wouldn't have started dating someone who drinks at their local 4 times a week and smokes 20 a day. Also has friends who take cochineal, even if they didn't. Each to their own but that not for me. Why is this putting me off him?

Sorry I also meant to add that it is perfectly okay to send a break up message via text. This is often advised in abusive relationships so that everything you want to say is said in the message without being interrupted, told it's your fault, gaslighted etc.

Block him for goodness' sake!

Ok, thankyou everyone. I really appreciate the support.
I am being brave and meeting him in person tonight to explain and end it. I have visions of him not getting out of my car, I know that sounds silly. I actually feel sick. He has been overly nice via texts today. I just hate this feeling. I just need it to be done! I feel physically sick!
I think I will feel better if I do this in person. I will have to block him then. I will just have to. I will probably feel so guilty for days. I even feel guilty knowing what I'm going to do and he has no clue.

Why does he have to get in your car?

Ah, I bet he does have more than a clue already. He knows you are weak.

But you’ve had a number of conversations with him so he has been forewarned.

Please stay safe and stay in populated areas if you’re worried he won’t get out of the car. If he refuses, call the police.

But it might be much less dramatic. You can do it!

Just text him if you think he's going to get awkward.

He doesn't drive.
I am planning to just put everything I feel out there. Without worrying I'm offending him. Then I will see how I feel, if uncomfortable just send the message at home and block. It's probably me over thinking and ot won't be as dramatic. I just feel sick.

Be prepared for him to try to convince you he'll change.

I'm prepared to say the damage is done.

No going back from that. The damage is done, I can't help how I feel.
I wouldn't want to block him but I know I will have to.

Then I'm staying single. This is awful!

You don't have to justify your decision to him. And he doesn't have to agree with it either.

If you want it to be over, then it's over. End of. He'll just have to deal with it.

I really don’t know why you’re meeting him. You don’t have to explain yourself to him, or give him an opportunity to try and talk you round - and he will.

You’ve already spoken to him. You’ve told him how you felt and he ignored you. Why do you think tonight will be any different? All you’re doing is giving him another opportunity to try and persuade you he’ll change. News flash - he won’t.

Best of luck OP.
Even if he seems to persuade you tonight, you can text later or tomorrow to say you've thought it over and it's no go.
You're doing your best to be fair to him.

meeting him in person tonight to explain and end it. I have visions of him not getting out of my car

I really hope this is not too late.

Do not let him into your car. Do not give him any kind of lift anywhere. What can he do, just don't go and meet him.

Don't meet him. It really is that simple.

Block him

Stop feeling guilty.

Why are you giving his needs and wants more value than you give your own. That's crazy thinking.

You have got to have your own back.
That's just basic adulting.

There is no merit in putting his wants ahead of your own. Where did you learn to do that? It isn't a good thing.

What would you advise a sibling, friend of child who had got them into this situation?

Well done on deciding not to meet him in person. Just block him and get it over with. You need never hear from him again, you need never even think of him again. If you do ever find yourself thinking of him, give yourself a shake and consciously think of something else.

Your life gets better from here.

How did it go?

I think you're right to end it as he clearly doesn't have his priorities right regarding money for starters. If he smokes 20 a day that'll be costing him £300 a month, and going to the pub 4x week will likely be costing him about £150 in beer a month if he has 2 pints per night out. So that's about £450 a month when he's claiming poverty, and he has the nerve to accept money from his mum for driving lessons?! Shameless! He could be paying off his debt, saving for a deposit on his own place, or buying his own driving lessons instead. I can see why you've gone off him.

Well done op he sounded such a drain

I am drained.
I more or less told him that the company he was keeping has really made me feel unsettled. He said I'm judging him on his mates behaviour. I said he was more or less acting like a manchild like his friend. He said he's visiting a mate instead of being at home alone. He is isn't taking drugs or sleeping around. I said about the drinking and smoking. He said he smoked years ago, I said not when I met you. His behaviour would not have attracted me in the first place. When we met the plan was to move in to a place of his own. He said he isn't spending. The mate supplies the beer at his house. He buys dodgy fags, whatever that means. He kept saying he has done nothing wrong. I said if that's how he wants to spend his time, he can but its not comfortable for me. He said that was my problem and what I'm basically saying is I won't feel better unless he stops going to his friends.
He said anyone else would agree with him, I'm being silly. There is nothing wrong with going over a mates house in the evenings. He said he would drop that if I asked to see him, I mentioned it being at my place all the time and he said we'll it's going to take me 5 years to save for my own place as I'm going to have to pay for driving as mum is only paying for 10. He said then you won't be happy because you will feel guilty about telling me to stop seeing friends. I told him that's not what I was doing. He's free to do as he pleases.
Sorry for waffling, its all sounding so childish isn't it?
It was so so difficult. I just wanted to be kind. I said I just needed you to know how I felt. I said I think this is highlighting that we are not on the same path. He said it's got nothing to do with that. Honestly, I can't explain how difficult it is and remember what he says.
I'm going to send a message in the morning and block. I tried to do it face to face.

Why is being single "awful"?

No, I meant I am staying single, this relationship business is awful.

You're right, you're not compatible and he's selfishly refusing to see it.
You'll feel a lot better once you're free of him.

Op with all due respect, you're spending far too much time on this man/relationship, don't your children come first?

This should be etched in stone. Distributed to women every where on business cards.