Why is this putting me off him?

[Lifebeginsat45]

When I first met him he was newly single (3 months). That relationship lasted 10 years and he has 2 dcs. He moved back home because of financial reasons. He's paying maintenance and debt that he has, so can't afford a place of his own. He says that it's his plan but could possibly be home with his mum for years.
He didn't have any close friends when we first met 16 months ago. He comes over to mine, probably twice a week and I cook. We only see eachother once or twice a week as he has his dcs every other weekend and I work and have my own dcs. We have had date nights too, but money can sometimes be tight for us both. I have dcs and a mortgage etc. I also run a car. He doesn't drive.
He would struggle more during the week of boredom as he doesn't have any commitments throughout the week. He started gaming and started going to watch the football on Saturdays. He has started to learn to drive too as his mum offered to pay for 10 lessons for him. Just recently he has got back in touch with old school friends, one of which is single again and apparently 're living his youth' (he's 33). This single friend has gone back to live at home and spends most evenings in the local club, drinking and playing pool. Also, messaging different women whilst having an affair at work. He is also into sniffing cocaine. It's absolutely none of my business what this friend does. However, now the guy I'm seeing is drinking more and now smoking (he smoked years ago apparently). Again completely up to him but that's not the guy I met. It's a bit off putting. I guess he hasn't got anything to do when he's not with me but for some reason it's putting me off him. Nothing has changed with us. The change is the company he keeps. He says money is tight but he is drinking and smoking alot.
I'm wondering if there is anyone who is in a relationship but not living together. How do they spend there time when not with you. There is no way I'm going to tell someone how they should live their life but when you start dating someone, you have little things that would and wouldld be acceptable to you. I definitely wouldn't have started dating someone who drinks at their local 4 times a week and smokes 20 a day. Also has friends who take cochineal, even if they didn't. Each to their own but that not for me. Why is this putting me off him?

He doesn't take drugs, the friend does
Wise up.
Birds of a feather.............

You are not 'trapped' in any way, shape or form. You owe him nothing.

You do, however, owe it to yourself to live a life free of manchildren like this one.

I am 40 this year. He is 33.
To be honest the sex isn't something that happens. I'm going to upset him and I have to face that, it's making me feel sick. I feel I have tried to end things before. He says he's not giving up, they're reasons we can resolve. That's what I mean my trapped, a bit stuck. I can't seem to do it.

Happens often, I was meant to put. The opportunity is rare.

His mum paid for his driving lessons? A grown man with a full time job? Pathetic.

So he’s not listening to you and riding roughshod over your objections and boundaries. He’s not respecting your opinions on the situation.

You’re not trapped. You owe him nothing except decency as you would to any other human.

Text him this morning. Something like “after our long conversation last night and despite you trying to persuade me otherwise, I’ve realised that this really isn’t working for me and I don’t want to be in this relationship any more. I wish you well.”

Then if necessary block him and delete his number so he can’t worm his way back in. And he will try, trust me. You offer meals, sex (and if you’re not even having sex what is the point of him?!) and an escape from his mums, a change of scenery.

I tried via text before (twice because I physically struggle to do it in person, he has an answer all of the time, he gets so upset), but he messages back. He said you are going to throw all of this away. You are ending it by texting, don't you think you owe me to be able to express myself.

‘You have expressed yourself. It’s clear we don’t agree, and what you mean by ‘we can resolve this’ is that you think I will come around. I won’t.

You owe him nothing op..

I am wondering what his version of resolve is? I expect something along the lines of ' I continue doing what I am doing and you just have to look the other way'.
As for him saying 'you are throwing all these away' throwing what exactly? The 1- 2 weekly meet ups where he comes over to your house and maybe the occasional going out? Or the once in a while sex due to circumstances?
You can do so much better, OP.

Having read your post, you come over as lovely .... happy to drive etc etc.

Personally I would dump this guy he could be spending more on driving lessons rather than choosing alcohol & fags (in time alcohol could become another addition like the gambling)

He is spending time with his buddy rather than being with you. His priorities are all wrong. You should be in the top 2 on his list not lower down.

His “upset” is contrived emotional manipulation to subjugate you to his will.

Know that.

@Lifebeginsat45 - Be firm then block his number. If you end it there is no reason to keep his number. Block it so he cannot contact you.

He might be upset but that’s not your problem.

He might think it’s cavalier to end it by text. He might want to remember that you don’t live together. And you can chose whatever way suits YOU to end things.

I agree with PP. Reiterate what you said and block.

Oh and if he as a spare key, change the locks.

Honestly, you do sound like a lovely person. He has really done a number on you.

He said you are going to throw all of this away

If that doesn't make you laugh out loud, then ask yourself just what would you be throwing away? Laugh. Get some perspective.

He offers nothing.

He is taking from you the chance to be happy by yourself. The possibilities of perhaps meeting someone else with whom you are more compatible.

He makes you feel trapped, he can talk you round anytime you meet in person to tell him it's over. Of course, he feels he "deserves" to meet in person as he is confidant he can "talk you round" ie guilt you into continuing the relationship.

If anything should convince you to just stop this relationship, it's someone who has to guilt you into continuing.

Just text 'this isn't working for me. Goodbye, you deserve to be free' and then block him.

Honestly, you will look back and laugh at your feeling trapped. This isn't a healthy relationship. I recognise the signs. I had one of these, for much too long til one day I just laughed at the absurdity. And I was free of it.

All the best.

So what if he’s upset? He’s a grown up (sort of). He’ll get over it. His emotions and responses are not your responsibility

Honestly you need to send a final “this is over” message and block and delete. Don’t leave that metaphorical door open for him to barge his way in again.

OP,

You sound lovely but you really need to protect yourself and your children.

This is a user who ignores your wishes.

You can be 100% sure his plan is to move into yours.

He has no future, no plans.

You are it.

Any decent man would be taking on extra work.

He is prone to gambling!

For goodness sake wake up and protect yourself.

He gave you one version of himself, THIS is the real version.

You are a meal ticket.

You will be back on here in a years time with a drinking, smoki g, lazy arse, in your home.

Why would you do that to your children and yourself.

Tell him it is over and block.

Stay away from men until you learn assertiveness and do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk online to help you protect yourself.

Please be brave, listen to your gut.

He is bad news.

I feel mean telling him he should be in his own place etc, I think that's just me as a person though. I don't want to put anyone down or hurt their feelings.
I feel mean telling him his choices are off-putting and that is not what I signed up to.

There is no other way forward but telling him.

I would tell him that without any problem. Start working on your asseriveness.

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=how+to+be+assertive+in+relations

Ok then, keep providing him with meals and sex because HE wants it that way. Your wants and needs don't matter at all, do they?

You don’t have to engage in any JADE-ing of your decision - you have no obligation to justify, argue, defend or explain it to him.

Its not open for discussion, debate, negotiation.

“This “relationship” is over.
Please don’t contact me again.”

Text is fine.

If he contacts you more that twice after you have asked him not to - know that is now officially harassment - and let him know that you will be forced to inform the police if he continues.

Expect him to enlist his Mum or friend to contact you. Do not speak to them or answer their calls or read their texts (block them) - or for him to get angry like the indulged toddler that he is.

Get rid. You will feel relief.

*assertiveness

Hope you are ok OP.

I battled to get past the fact his mother is paying for driving lessons for him and he is in his 30s..

You have had good advice here, and I wish you luck going forward. Please keep in mind that we as woman, should not have to train a future partner on how to be a good partner.

He says he's not giving up, they're reasons we can resolve.

It seems he has no intention to resolve in a way that you'll like. He just wants you to put up & shut up.

Tell him you're not happy with the way things are so you want to stop seeing him.
If he wants you just to get used to it, he's the one who has spoiled the relationship, not you.