Husband wants me to not talk about our daughter

[Ilov]

Hi everyone. My husband has 6 ( 3 girls 3 boys) siblings, who have 18 kids. And they're all boys! My sister in law has 3 boys, and really wanted a girl.

When we found out our baby was a girl. His parents were very happy, so were his brothers and 2 sisters. But one if his sister, let's call Nancy. Was p*ssed off. She has 5 boys and told everyone it was hurting her that I had a girl. So, I stopped going to any of his family reunion, because she would be annoyed or cried. She has gender disappointment and I really feel for her, I understand it must be hard.

But now baby is there. So my husband decided we will not take her to his family because Nancy will be upset. I said OK. But his parents still came, and now my husband is angry at me because his sister wrote a rant on fb, about how I feel special I had the first girl.

So my husband's solution is to not talk about our daughter and pretend she is no there.

What should I do

Think of the impact her attitude must have on her boys. And the way she dominates the whole family must affect them as well. Poor little guys. And the OP's daughter is more or less being isolated from her family.
DH needs to grow a pair. So do gran and grandpa, come to that. That little girl is not an outcast by the sister's royal .
decree.

I don’t have much time for gender disappointment anyway, but if I had a family member who behaved like this I would go to any length I could to rub the fact I had a girl in their face.

I would tag my dh in every picture of him holding her saying something like “daddy is so proud of his little girl. The first one in the family.

But then I’m a petty bitch.

Give over. The rest of the family are fine. It's only Nancy and DH who are being ridiculous.

Hopefully one of the other siblings will step up and tell them both to to get back in their lanes and behave like a father and auntie should.

I can't believe how horrible your SIL is and your husband needs to grow a pair of balls and tell his sister not to be a twat
Personally I wouldn't bother with her. His parents sound fine but I'd blank her and any family who side with her. Your daughter won't niss out by not seeing toxic people
However I don't often say this but I'd really reconsider my relationship with my husband if he behaved like this. I'm not sure I'd forgive him thinking it's fine to pretend his own child doesn't exist.

Why are they all tiptoeing around his sister. She is so lucky to have 5 children. Your husband needs to stand up to her. Not talking about your daughter is ridiculous. I guess she will get used to the idea. But maybe she needs to appreciate her niece! Or even enjoy the fact there is a girl in the family. This could go either way massive family fall out or everyone agrees to move on. It needs to be diplomatic and carefully worded though….

All? It's only DH who's tiptoeing round her. Everyone else is happy about the new arrival.

And can we put this five children thing to rest? OP said many pages ago that SIL has three, and the five was an error.

Thank you everyone. I have shown him the thread and his answer was "But they don't know Nancy".

So I did ask him, how long are we gonna hide her for ? "Until Nancy settles down". So I asked again how do Nancy deals with friends' daughter? And the most bizarre thing I have ever heard : She only gets along with boys mums. That is so so odd.

So he calls our daughter "the baby". For example in the family group he never ever says her name "I am feeding the baby".

My mother-in-law is happy she has a granddaughter, she comes and visit her, but of course as long as I don't tell Nancy. I mean, I never even talk to her. I talk more to her oldest son than her.

His parents are fine , his 5 other siblings visited. Nancy has not seen the baby. I can't take her to see her cousins either. So I mostly spend time with my family, my mum.

His idea is to dress our girl in blue to "appease her gender disappointment"

I understand it must very hard, and would like to help her with it. For example, maybe not visit when she isn't there. But the issues my baby is not allowed to visit no matter what. Because Nancy would feel betrayed that her siblings and their kids are seeing their niece/cousin ? It sounds so unbelievable and it is hurtful.

It is a whole secret thing now, inlaws come and visit but she knows nothing about it because she would be upset.

We all know Nancy. Nancy is a brat and no more special than every other brat.

And she’s been allowed to become a brat because nobody calls her out on it.

Your husband doesn’t care that you’re upset and he doesn’t care that your daughter is being kept from her family either. He needs a good hard look at his priorities because that is messed up.

Have you asked him "what if Nancy never settles down?"

He is bonkers. All the family are bonkers and pandering to this self entitled, selfish woman. A new baby of either sex is something to celebrate. I just do not get this sex disappointment at all. Like so many people have said. Cut them off, cut all the fuckers off and personally I would cut my husband off for being a spineless twat as well.

but of course as long as I don't tell Nancy.

Is that your mother in law asking you not to tell Nancy that she has visited?

Yes I know a Nancy too.

She’s a self absorbed entitled bitch and people bow down to not upset her because her tantrums were a nightmare.

Except for me and dh. She didn’t like that and would kick off worse which then caused people to say “please do xxx for Nancy”

No. She’s old enough to do it her fucking self.

Sorry I wouldn't be hiding it. Maybe you need to call her tell her it's making family hiding seeing your baby it's not fair. Say you have baby a niece that she should be excited about not being jealous because she doesn't have a daughter.

Tell him enough is enough and call her by her name fudge it.

He needs to stop pandering to this, because it’s extremely damaging to the family dynamic and is basically isolating you and your child. His sister is being utterly ridiculous, how dare she block out your daughter from view and visits? I would crack on, see family, ignore her selfish bullshit.

Aside from Nancy being a complete dickhead I'm surprised the rest of your DH's family is pandering to this batshit crazy behaviour.

How sad for her cousins that they haven't met her yet. I wonder what they are thinking. I know whenever any of my family have had kids their older cousins have been excited to meet them.

Your poor daughter with such a waster for a father.

How can you even look at him?

I would get the permanent ICK for such a weak scared little man.

Denying his own daughter because he's scared of his sister?

Bloody hell OP, what a complete waste of space he is.

You must be absolutely mortified having procreated with him.

Strongly suggest you don't do it again.

Infact I would be encouraging him to go live with his batshit sister.

Your husband needs to grow a pair (which is somewhat ironic given the subject at hand) - he needs to stop making her problem, your problem. What in hell kind of message is he giving your daughter over the coming years with his behaviour?

Nancy is deranged.

I know that many mothers would like a daughter, but we don’t always get what we want. And we also have to live with knowing that others - sometimes even family - instead get what we wanted. And we even have to try to be happy for them.

If Nancy weren’t deranged she could begin to think about pouring some Auntie love over your daughter. (And if she decides to do it I hope you will be generous enough to share. Extra love for any child can’t be wrong.).

In the meantime, of course, your daughter mustn’t be hidden away. She has a right to know her father’s family as well as her mother’s, and to see and enjoy her boy cousins!

Your husband can consider his sister’s feelings without erasing his own child.

But the issues my baby is not allowed to visit no matter what. Because Nancy would feel betrayed that her siblings and their kids are seeing their niece/cousin?

Who is saying this? I would simply cut off ANYONE who is spouting this crap. Your daughter is to be closeted because someone can't get over their jealousy of a baby... awful. But those who support this awfulness are equally part of it.

How old is your daughter? Once you are suitable recovered I'd hold a party for her - a christening, naming ceremony etc call it what you will. Invite them all and cut off anyone who doesn't attend. And if her dad continues to deny her existence then I'd seriously be considering divorce so that your daughter doesn't end up being made responsible for her existence splitting up the family. That is so damaging for a child.

I'd cut them all off until they actually sat back and saw how disgusting they were being. There are plenty of people with no children at all and there's Nancy with 5 and still not happy. I actually have no words. Tbh I'd probably tell h that I'm on the look out for his replacement to ensure my daughter had as much love and support that comes with being part of 2 families, but I can be fairly petty

Also this is your very 1st baby. You should be basking in all the love and good wishes that comes as part of that and they are robbing you of that. It's that part that you'll never get back again over some spoilt witch

'Nancy' has a mental illness and needs to speak to her GP.

Your DH needs to grow a pair and put a stop to this. It's not in anyone's best interest including Nancy's. Her family should be encouraging Nancy to get some professional help. If she's genuinely this damaged over ot having a girl nothing is going to change without professional help.

This is absolutely appalling behaviour and one of the worst cases of enabling I have read on here.

I would be seriously thinking about the future of my marriage if I were you OP.

Nancy is a nasty manipulative bitch. I would never ever forgive how she has cast such darkness over what should be one of the most special times of your life. I wouldn't be entertaining any of them again tbh. Your husband is a disgrace too.

I just couldn't get over any of this and would be looking to move on from the whole lot of them.