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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband of 17 years has walked out leaving me with newborn and toddler

176 replies

ReySky · 03/09/2022 08:41

Been with DH for 17 years, met him when I was 16. Have a 2.8 year old and a 10 week old. On Sunday he walked out on us and said he's fed up. He came back home so we could talk but said there's no chance of reconciliation and it's because I haven't been affectionate or loving enough and brought up the fact that 15 years ago I was jealous of him having a female friend (hasn't been an issue since, in fact I've actively encouraged his friendships with female colleagues). I feel so heartbroken and can't stop crying, I've tried to explain to him about me feeling sleep deprived and touched out (am breastfeeding). I had a really rough pregnancy and birth, I've only stopped bleeding in last couple of days. He seems so fine and calm and collected, and when I've been sobbing and begging him to stay he just stares at me and I've asked him for a hug and he's said no.

I don't know what I want from this post but I just feel absolutely drained and am finding it so difficult to look after both boys while crying constantly, trying to hard it from them but it's so hard .

OP posts:
LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 03/09/2022 08:43

I’m so sorry, what a terrible shock for you. Do you have anyone you can talk to in real life? Family or friends who can support you?

Candleabra · 03/09/2022 08:45

Well you know who he is now. A man who could leave you and his children in an incredibly vulnerable state is not worth knowing.
Do you have people you could lean on - parents, friends? If my friend phoned me with that story I’d be round there immediately to help out. Reach out to people, don’t think you have to struggle on alone.

Original poster
ReySky · 03/09/2022 08:47

I have a couple of friends who I've spoke to over WhatsApp and my parents both know of the situation, but my family don't do hugs or emotion and my friends are busy with their own stuff. So I just feel incredibly lonely.

Part of me wonders if his head has been turned, although I've no proof of this. He came home with a haircut and a brand new £80 pair of trainers.

I just feel like my world has been blown apart.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 03/09/2022 08:47

He's not upset because he's planned it all out in his head. People don't generally just leave on a whim. He's been thinking about this for a while.

You need to get practical for your kids. Are you staying in the house? What contact is he having? What's happening financially?

MrMrsJones · 03/09/2022 08:48

Well he has certainly checked out, and made sure its all your fault for the final measure.

His head has been turned by someone interesting and not covered in baby sick. Way to go to support the mother of your children, nope just opt out!!

I so wish mothers could say "hey you know what, this whole baby lark isn't for me, your right" hand the children over to them, leaving them wide eyed and speechless and leave.

Thefriendlymoth · 03/09/2022 08:50

Oh I’m so sorry OP, he sounds like he is being outright cruel. To walk out at such a vulnerable time and then levy all the blame at you whilst still bringing up 15 year old disagreements. I would brace yourself for more to come out, it sounds like he’s planting seeds painting you as unreasonable, cold and jealous. Do you have any real life support at the moment.

Umbongoberyl · 03/09/2022 08:50

This sounds like ‘the script’ often talked about - another woman.
He’s cold, detached, scraping the barrel for excuses.
what an absolute arsehole leaving you at this point. Call friends/family immediately get help.

Rainbowqueeen · 03/09/2022 08:52

Hugs OP that is incredibly tough.

I agree that he has planned this. I know you are completely knackered but you need to move on securing your financial position. Can you gather together all the financial information you can. Put in a claim for cms. Work out what benefits you are entitled to. Even if your family are not huggers can they help with the practical things??

Focus on yourself and your DC. Remind yourself he is no longer your friend and he does not care what is best for anyone but himself.

Soubriquet · 03/09/2022 08:54

I’m sorry OP. You’re going through so much too after just giving birth. Of course you’re feeling touched out. It’s been 10 weeks and you’re breastfeeding.

He just doesn’t care

Fireflygal · 03/09/2022 08:58

I'm so sorry. Could you stay with family? How are finances?

You are not to blame, no decent man leaves when there is a newborn. He is utterly selfish and there is likely to be OW.

The tears will stop, focus now on getting some rest when you can. Priortise food and rest. Just one day at a time. It will get better but you need to recover from the shock first.

Original poster
ReySky · 03/09/2022 09:11

Thanks everyone. I don't have anyone to stay with, my dad has a conservatory he can offer me and my mum has a sofa. We are renting privately and have literally just signed up for another year's tenancy here which has annoyed me as I could have secured alternative housing had I known he was planning to leave. He has said he is thinking of moving away as he'd find it upsetting seeing me and the boys walk past the shop he walks at but we can't afford to break the tenancy on our home so don't know what will happen really.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 03/09/2022 09:13

Don’t move out if both of your names are on the tenancy. It’s easier for you to stay in a house and him to find a single room to rent.

IrishladyNE · 03/09/2022 09:15

My ex P did this when the baby was 8 months, I felt lost and overwhelmed. Im pretty sure he was seeing someone. He came back 3 months later and I stupidly allowed it. It ended after another year.

made me feel like the worst person I. The world but it was because he didn’t want the responsibility. Anyway we finally split 7 years ago when I threw him out and low and behold he was in a relationship with someone after 2 months. I had no doubt it was the person from our first break up.

I am completely indifferent to him now, he even got a huge inheritance and my friends asked me if I was bothered that he had this money after his behaviour. I honestly don’t care at all.

JimmyShoo · 03/09/2022 09:15

Ask him how he’s going to parent if he moves away? Arsehole.

HappyAsASandboy · 03/09/2022 09:16

What a shit to leave you at this point, after years and years of marriage Angry

Hard as it will be to keep the world turning for your boys right now, you will manage it, and need to stay in the house if you possibly can. It might feel like it can't get any worse, but if you move out to a relatives then he will move back in, and then you'll have nowhere to go unless you're happy to houseshare with someone causing you a lot of pain. So stay in the house and hope he has the decency to stay out of it.

There are many women who have been here before you, and lots of them are in Mumsnet. Listen to them and benefit from their experience! In your shoes, I would play hardball with him right now; CMS claim and offer a level of access to the children that you're happy with (maybe Saturday daytimes with your toddler, with you and the baby joining them for a couple of hours in the afternoon for supervised access with the baby? Plus a few hours with the toddler one night in the week?), and make him believe there is zero chance of reconciliation.

If you beg and plead with him at this point, you'll look weak and needy and a pushover; if you crack on with independence then he may just change his mind, at which point you can weigh up your new life against taking him back.

Above all, remember he is a shit for doing this to you, especially at this point in your marriage. Don't accept any of the blame at all - growing, birthing and feeding babies is hardcore stuff and you needed his support not him wimping out Angry

Zonder · 03/09/2022 09:16

So sorry this has happened. More people will be along with advice I'm sure but I just wanted to say that you will get through this and things will get better. It's just absolutely shit for now.

Festoonlights · 03/09/2022 09:18

Op it is too soon to expect to know all of the answers, and you must be blindsided by this.
I think you have to prepare for another woman to emerge.
Try and secure as much money as you can in a secure account, change passwords and try and think practically about what you need to do to keep yourself safe op. I am so sorry this has happened to you, but you will come through it.

Stop begging him to stay op, and start to protect yourself. He is not a friend, he is no longer on your team

Lucyintheskywithrubies · 03/09/2022 09:26

Didn’t want to read and run OP but my heart goes out to you. He’s a selfish horrible bastard.

BeggarsMeddle · 03/09/2022 09:30

I second @HappyAsASandboy's advice.

Also that he's a shit. A pathetic self-centred one. ...he is thinking of moving away as he'd find it upsetting seeing me and the boys walk past the shop he works at. Poor him.

Dery · 03/09/2022 09:30

OP - this is entirely on him.

It takes a particularly selfish, weak kind of person to walk out on two such tiny children and leave the mother of those children at such a vulnerable time - he’s not a man even, he’s clearly still a boy. The fact that he’s dredging up stuff from 15 years ago shows he knows what he’s doing is pathetic. I should imagine this will kill your love for him pretty quickly because it’s utterly pathetic. And why on earth does he think he gets to move away? So he’s planning to completely abandon his tiny family. Yep - pathetic.

Even if there is limited room at your parents’ places, are there practical ways in which they can help you? Also your friends may be busy but surely they can still offer some support.

As a PP said, there are posters on MN, who have been through this. They will have some practical words of wisdom to buoy you up.

IrishladyNE · 03/09/2022 09:31

You will survive this I felt so guilty in my child because I was on autopilot trying to sort things out. I was anxious and at time depressed but what helped me was getting up and out of the house. I would sit in soft play in a daze but she’d be running around having a great time. I’d go to the park and let her run wild while I felt like a hollowed out husk.

it won’t be easy. I was angry for about a year for the position he had put me. I couldn’t even bring myself to be civil I couldn’t look at him. Esp when he introduced my daughter to his new partner after 3 months. Sorry but please prepare for this because it knocked me for six

life gradually got better it was a slow process, everywhere I looked I saw families and my ex had created one with my child.

Me and my daughter are a family we have great times. We lie in bed at night and discuss all sorts of things. She is funny and great company. My work life is good and I have stayed single but I’m embracing it. I could never be single in the past I found it hard. Sorry for long post but I know exactly what it’s like.

bloodyunicorns · 03/09/2022 09:34

What an absolute shit he is, op. I'm so so sorry you're going through this. He's clearly been planning this for some time. And saying he's going to move away as he can't cope with seeing you - what a spineless, cowardly shit.

I agree with others - reach out to everyone you can for help. Contact your hv too - she may be able to arrange SureStart help for you.

Big hugs.

TheTeddyBears · 03/09/2022 09:34

So sorry he has done this to you. He is not the man you thought he was, you need to remember that! Has he even made any arrangements to see the kids. He needs be helping you out a lot more, even if just with your older child. It's such a difficult time for you with kids at that age. You will get through it and come out the other end fighting. Hope you take him for everything.

It does sound to me like it has been planned for a while. Don't be surprised if a new gf is on the seen soon (she's probably been with him already by how he's acting). The fact your in bits and he's not even remotely sorry! Nope he's blaming you, the woman who has just given birth to his second child and who is absolutely exhausted and needing his help. What a bastard!

bloodyunicorns · 03/09/2022 09:35

HappyAsASandboy · 03/09/2022 09:16

What a shit to leave you at this point, after years and years of marriage Angry

Hard as it will be to keep the world turning for your boys right now, you will manage it, and need to stay in the house if you possibly can. It might feel like it can't get any worse, but if you move out to a relatives then he will move back in, and then you'll have nowhere to go unless you're happy to houseshare with someone causing you a lot of pain. So stay in the house and hope he has the decency to stay out of it.

There are many women who have been here before you, and lots of them are in Mumsnet. Listen to them and benefit from their experience! In your shoes, I would play hardball with him right now; CMS claim and offer a level of access to the children that you're happy with (maybe Saturday daytimes with your toddler, with you and the baby joining them for a couple of hours in the afternoon for supervised access with the baby? Plus a few hours with the toddler one night in the week?), and make him believe there is zero chance of reconciliation.

If you beg and plead with him at this point, you'll look weak and needy and a pushover; if you crack on with independence then he may just change his mind, at which point you can weigh up your new life against taking him back.

Above all, remember he is a shit for doing this to you, especially at this point in your marriage. Don't accept any of the blame at all - growing, birthing and feeding babies is hardcore stuff and you needed his support not him wimping out Angry

And this with bells on.

comfortablyfrumpy · 03/09/2022 09:45

He is an arsehole to do this to you.

As OPs have said, he is using The Script, and this isn't something that has just occurred to him.

Re the tenancy- Could you ring the letting agent and explain, you never know. They might be able to sort something out.

Good luck, I do feel for you xx