Husband of 17 years has walked out leaving me with newborn and toddler

[ReySky]

Been with DH for 17 years, met him when I was 16. Have a 2.8 year old and a 10 week old. On Sunday he walked out on us and said he's fed up. He came back home so we could talk but said there's no chance of reconciliation and it's because I haven't been affectionate or loving enough and brought up the fact that 15 years ago I was jealous of him having a female friend (hasn't been an issue since, in fact I've actively encouraged his friendships with female colleagues). I feel so heartbroken and can't stop crying, I've tried to explain to him about me feeling sleep deprived and touched out (am breastfeeding). I had a really rough pregnancy and birth, I've only stopped bleeding in last couple of days. He seems so fine and calm and collected, and when I've been sobbing and begging him to stay he just stares at me and I've asked him for a hug and he's said no.

I don't know what I want from this post but I just feel absolutely drained and am finding it so difficult to look after both boys while crying constantly, trying to hard it from them but it's so hard .

Sorry for bumping again. I have an appointment with health visitor this afternoon - she sussed a while ago that something was up with husband as she wrote on a piece of paper "is everything OK with your husband?" and passed it to me. Anyway, friends and family have suggested I don't tell her about finding drugs in his bag but I feel its better to disclose it in case it comes out later. What do people think? Thank you.

It is absolutely definitely better to disclose.

You want it on record that you found him with drugs. You have left him, so this proves you have taken steps to keep your baby safe. This will look good for you.

If you do not put it on record, then when it comes to agreeing custody arrangements you will have difficulty (no chance) of getting a judge to agree to impose safeguards, such as supervised contact or drug testing.

Absolutely this. You need to fully cooperate with everyone who can help you, HV included, and full disclosure is an important part of that process. It shows you are putting your little one first. Hope it goes ok today.

Please do disclose to your health visitor. This will demonstrate to professionals that you’re prioritising your children’s wellbeing. What if your toddler had ingested the drugs. This is important for future custody arrangements.
Drug misuse thrives on secrecy, hence why family and friends are complicit in this.
Your health visitor will be able to support you, with help for yourself and your children.

Always disclose
Allow them to support you

Give him both barrels.

Tell him what a selfish shit he is. Tell him (In graphic detail if necessary) about how life is for you (it's not a bowl of cherries !).

Tell him that being a father is a duty that he signed up for and he needs to put his big girl pants on and not run away like a coward.

Don't hold back. He is a selfish coward

Be clear on exactly what you and his children expect from him and that walking away is just not an option

It may not work but you may feel better.

Seriously it's about time we women told them how it is. Take no shit. You and the kids deserve it.

I wouldn't mention the drugs as they may ask why you didn't hand them over to police. You could end up with social services breathing down your neck. Once you let the genie out of bottle you won't get it back in. Make a rational choice on this, not one from anger. You can always request drug testing without mentioning this if custody issues go to court.

Me again. Almost a month later and still living together although I am now able to bid on local properties with housing association, though nothing has come up yet. Emotionally I am really really struggling, the last few days it's like the reality of the situation has hit me and I feel like I've been punched in the stomach.

He just seems so cold and uncaring, last night he went out for a meal while I was struggling to get boys to sleep and then I had all the washing up, cleaning etc to do. He got home at midnight and then is going to a circus with a female colleague tomorrow. He's such an arsehole but I also feel so heartbroken and it's not fair he gets to swan off having fun while I'm buying the boys second hand clothes and shoes, can't afford to put the heating on. Sorry for bumping, I just feel so down.

You sound so strong and brave op - you hang in there, you will get through this and your boys will be better for it.

You are right OP it is hard and it’s not fair and you deserve so much more!

But when you look back on this time, you can be so proud of all you have done, you’ve kept your boys fed, clean, clothes and happy. You’ll start making more and more beautiful memories with them soon.

Good luck on finding a new home - rooting for you!

I’ve just read your thread from the beginning. I am so sorry you are in this situation, he sounds delightful 🤨

I am keeping everything crossed for you that you find somewhere to live. You sound like a wonderful mum.

I understand why it’s getting you down that he can swan off doing what he wants. He has completely let those children down & it isn’t fair on any of you. Once you have moved you won’t be able to see him doing all this so hopefully you will feel so much better. He is missing out on such precious time with the kids and it’s his own doing.

Fingers crossed for some positive house news! ❤️

What an absolute wanker. That's it, he should be (emotionally) dead to you now. That's completely unforgiveable. You are lucky the boys aren't old enough to understand and to start learning behaviour from him yet. If he was ever good, he's now 'gone bad' and that's all we need to say about him.

Don't think about him again, and surround yourself with the most helpful and supportive people you can.

Also if you have savings throw money at this. Get a nanny, get yourself a new pair of pyjamas, get yourself access to all the tv channels and the best food.

You will be able to do it. Think about all the women in all the years of earth who have done it. They are at your back. You got this.

Is he paying you child maintenance yet ?

Have you put in a child maintenance claim ?

Are you claiming child benefit for all the children

He left you, when you were most vulnerable

He is not your friend

Stay strong

Oh op, I could have written your post 11 years ago (and did!).
don’t do what I did and drag the dead relationship on for another 6 years when he begs forgiveness.
you will be ok. Eat and drink small amounts and make sure you get what you are entitled to from him (and government) don’t believe his promises of always making sure the dc are looked after. its hard to leave a long term marriage but you will be ok.
11 years later my 4 dc see their dad and I’m doing really well in my career.
Its not easy co-parenting but things are ok.
Get counselling, you will need it.
good luck and congratulations on your baby.

It is hard when they swan off for a new life, but you will get through this xx

This is the worst part and it won’t last forever. Once you are in your own space with your own separate finances you will be in control of everything and not have him shitting all over you.
The children are young enough not to know their clothes and shoes are second hand and they won’t remember anyway. Your husband is a selfish arse and that’s all you need to remember about him. Hope your housing comes through for you soon, it will be life changing. Hang in there.

Are there any local Mum’s/parent groups in the area where you can meet like minded people to get strength and support?
You may gain valuable contacts to push the housing situation forward?

Stay practical to avoid getting overwhelmed with emotion and focus on getting what you are entitled to from both him and welfare
Hang on in there
You’ve got this….

Just read through your posts. At first I was trying to see things from his perspective, trying to understand why someone would walk out on a newborn baby but there's no excuse really, it's just shocking. It gets worse and worse with each post. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I hope you can move as soon as possible so you don't have to deal with him. Tell absolutely EVERYONE (lawyers, health visitors, your family) about the drugs so they remind you why not to get back together with him when he realises his life is hard and he's not as happy as he thought he would be living a teenager's lifestyle. Don't even dream about taking him back when he comes crawling back. He's a loose canon.

Really hope something comes up you can bid for soon. Also he sounds very abusive, have you talked to women's aid at all? Or your local domestic abuse Charity?

Hi OP, your h sounds like my dad. He'd come home from trips with his girlfriends to hand his laundry to my mum....

Just make sure you get rid, and rest assured your kids will remember who was there for them. It's hard; my mum was disappointed for a long time after the divorce. But she's got a lot to be proud of.

Aww bless you, I felt like that when I split with DD's father. It's like they enjoy rubbing it your face. I hope you get out soon then you do not need to witness his crap. As for bills etc, you're not alone many of us are in the same boat as you. Take care.

It never ceases to amaze me how easy (some) men find it to just completely detach themselves from their wife and children, and fuck off into the sunset and act like they never existed. Imagine if women did this eh?

Funny how they NEVER want to take the children (that THEY were 50% responsible for creating.) Bit of an inconvenience are they lads eh?!!! Just leave the mother of the children to look after them, and completely upend their lives doing so, while you piss off and fuck around with other women.

As previous posters have said, there is 100% another woman when a man leaves like this. Most men are too chicken shit to leave without anyone else to go to. Bastards.

@ReySky can't add anything else to what has already been said, but I am sending hugs you way.

How are things @ReySky ?

He’s not a good father, man or person and you dodged a bullet.
you will come out the better person always because he clearly has 0 morals, respect it empathy for others