Husband of 17 years has walked out leaving me with newborn and toddler

[ReySky]

Been with DH for 17 years, met him when I was 16. Have a 2.8 year old and a 10 week old. On Sunday he walked out on us and said he's fed up. He came back home so we could talk but said there's no chance of reconciliation and it's because I haven't been affectionate or loving enough and brought up the fact that 15 years ago I was jealous of him having a female friend (hasn't been an issue since, in fact I've actively encouraged his friendships with female colleagues). I feel so heartbroken and can't stop crying, I've tried to explain to him about me feeling sleep deprived and touched out (am breastfeeding). I had a really rough pregnancy and birth, I've only stopped bleeding in last couple of days. He seems so fine and calm and collected, and when I've been sobbing and begging him to stay he just stares at me and I've asked him for a hug and he's said no.

I don't know what I want from this post but I just feel absolutely drained and am finding it so difficult to look after both boys while crying constantly, trying to hard it from them but it's so hard .

Please don't believe this is due to your not showing him enough affection. He's scapegoating you for his own decision. You will get through it; many of us have.

He has clearly planned this and I would suspect he has someone else lined up. Do not leave your home. He chose this path and now he has to pay for it. Try and take emotion out of any of your interactions, it now becomes 'business like'. Tell him you need to know how he intends to support the family and give him a timescale, a short one, to provide this information.

I'm so sorry you're going through this but good riddance to him OP. Your lives will be better without this pathetic man-baby around.

On a practical level, you are entitled to help from the government and should be able to find housing and financial support. It doesn't have to be long term but you've just had a baby so you need it now - this is what it's for. I was in the same situation and financially, it's ok, we survived.

I'm so sorry

Same happened to me in the last couple of weeks - we had twins a year ago

No conciliation nothing - I've realised he was a good husband and father to one child (our eldest) but clearly couldn't manage the dynamics of a larger family and the relentlessness of it all

What an absolute arse!!! Not only is he leaving you when you're so vulnerable having a young child and a new baby but to say he'll probably move away because it would be too painful to see his DC out and about? Really???
He honestly thinks this behaviour is ok? Bellend.
I'd be wondering if there's someone else on the scene if he's coming home with a fresh new haircut and pricey trainers. Would he normally do this?
I'm so sorry he's treating you and your children so dreadfully

Fuck me he is a selfish git

ill move away as it’ll effect me seeing you around

spends money tarting himself up, sorry but the signs are definitely there that there is more to this

tbh I’d back of completely from him and start applying for Universal cerdit, sort your own life out this is a bad un

It must be overwhelming but you need to get practical

contact the letting agent/landlord and ask to discuss the tennancy, they may be lenient in this scenario and re-rent lowing you to move or could change the tennncy to just your name.

he’s said he’s gone so kick him out the house, don’t have him lingering and get your application in for Child maintenance, UNiversal credit etc to cover bills

is it the bank and withdrawn 50% from joint accounts and request to close them.

sever yourself from him and show him you mean business. Do you want to be with someone you begged to be with? X

I am so sorry this has happened to you OP. I'm sending a virtual hug.🥰

I don't know what it is about children and men, but many seem to have a problem when their children come into a relationship and it's not about sex but that's used as an excuse.🤔

Sure things change when children come into the equation. But nit just for dad's. Mums tend to pick up the vast majority of caring responsibilities, so it means we have less time for everything else - cleaning, our partners and ourselves.😬

But into practicalities, call the estate agent. Tell them what's happened. Ask for the property to be marketed for rent - they can discuss with the landlord to arrange this. Once a new tenant is found you can leave - really not sure why you didn't go onto a rolling tenancy tbh versus starting a new 12m one, but that's a mute point.

Sign on at DWP unless your on maternity leave.

See a solicitor and get the finances sorted.

Once you know there's a new tenant found you can pack you and the children up. Go stay with your dad - he has more room. We used to use our conservatory as our lounge. It was fabulous, so you should be able to use it as a bedroom. If it's cold get some window film, attach it to the window and use a hairdryer to create a taught seal. This is like adding an extra layer of glass, so will keep it warmer. Use an electric blanket and infra red heating only when you need to.

Noone is saying any of this will be easy. 17 years of a relationship is a long time to out of the blue walk out, but it's happened 😞

Good luck OP, lean on friends and family, you need them x

What a bastard.

Try to be practical.

Organise your finances. Make sure you have money to survive. Speak to your landlord. Don't leave the house. Let him go. Start a cms claim. Is child benefit in your name?

If you have a joint account then use it to buy stuff you need for the kids now.

I'm sorry, but protect yourself asap.

You poor thing, what an awful shock for you!!! He is a waste of space to be able to do that to his family. Please keep posting here for support. I have a toddler and a baby and it’s utterly exhausting without all this added stress and heartache. Sending you so much love 💕 x

What an utter, utter PIG, what a worthless piece of shit he is. There is no way on earth you can live with this disgusting specimen of manhood again.
Leaving someone with the country in the state it's in! Heating costs, costs of living. Buying himself expensive new trainers and getting his hair done.
Tell him to fuck off. Don't try to win him back, when you have recovered you will realise you don't want him back.
I am so angry for you I could go on like this for another 5 pages.
My ex did the same and I bought up DS alone.
Him leaving was the absolute best thing that could ever have happened.
It doesn't seem like it now but it will be for you too, find your strength and your anger, you can do it. Be a warrior for your children. They need you.
Get relatives/a friend to help you sort the financial side of things - you will be too tired with the baby and too distraught to do this yourself right now. people like to give practical help if they can even if they can't give emotional help.
Screw this bastard for everything he has, the court will not think much of him.
Obviously he is leaving for someone else, changing his appearance, buying new shoes, he is in the first throws pf lust for this woman which s why he is being so horrible to you and refuses to touch you.
Even worse he is attempting to blame you for it.
NO decent man leaves his children.
Keep us updated regularly OP, I'm sure everyone on here will give you good advice. 😘

Absolutely this. I am so sorry op, the man’s a shit. He’s been planning this, and an OW will no doubt appear soon. How some people can behave like this I just don’t know. But he has, and you need to be strong now and take back the control. Focus on practicalities like how is he going to fulfil his financial obligations to his kids - he doesn’t get to just walk away.

He started checking out when the DC arrived. until then he had your full attention. Now he has someone else who can give him all the attention he wants. So bloody common following pregnancy and children.

Sorry, but he is a total shit and theres nothing you can do. See a solicitor and get all you can.

So he's planning to move away? What about parenting HIS kids?

Imo go straight to CSA open a claim. Sounds like he's going to try and get out of having any responsibilities.

This "man" is not worth crying over.

What an arse. What type of man leaves his wife and children at such a difficult time.

You will get through this but it's going to be hard initially.

Be kind to yourself and your babies, at least you know he's a shit. Find your self love and focus on you and your babies, being happy and getting some time out.

I’m so very sorry OP, it is an awful situation to be in and unfortunately it will be tough for a while to come.

My EH walked out shortly after our first and only DC was born. It came out of the blue and was a terrible shock. He first said he didn’t know why he was leaving but it was over. Then five days later moved out at which point it was all my fault, the blaming was very difficult to understand. I spent a fortnight in a fog, then a lady from our hobby club knocked the door to say he’d been having an affair and had in fact left to be with OW. Although hard to hear this gave me answers and closure in a way and I was straight at the solicitors filing for divorce. Ten years on it was the best thing I did.

The journey was incredibly hard, desperate at time, but I came out the other end. My parents were incredible as was one of my closest friends. I took a day at a time, spending time with a friend or family helped, just having someone to talk to. That’s what you need atm OP.

Again I’m very sorry OP.

This seems really common - men who can't cope with not being centre of attention & not getting regular sex from their partner.

It would be interesting to know how much he actually helps with the house & children. Or is he expecting you to do everything & then be up for action with him?

Hopefully you can get some support maybe with the toddler? Can you claim for childminder fees? You should be able to get universal credit.

What do you mean ‘help’ with? So it’s OPs job?Its the mans duty as much as it is OPs to parent and run a house.

Sounds like the bog standard loser who breeds then fucks off in to the sunset. Him saying it’d be ‘too painful’ to live near you actually means ‘I won’t be parenting.’ Sounds like he has turned his own head and is lining up the next woman to impregnate. Grim. Look at The Script so you’ll know what’s coming, don’t do the pick-me dance or hysterical bonding, this bloke just proved himself to be scum.

This post echoes my situation somewhat. I was left with a newborn. He was too busy on tinder to give us 100% of his attention. I was devastated, practically begged him to come back.

I struggled so badly with postnatal natal depression. It's still tough but my baby is 6 months old now and an absolute delight. I look at him as the most pathetic 'man' I've ever come across. The anger I felt towards him was all consuming, however it does fade and he has just become this pathetic figure who used to be a part of my life.

I did as this PP said, kept busy. Baby classes every day, there are lots of free/cheap ones if things are a struggle. It gets you up and dressed in the morning and out the house, without the 4 walls to sit and wallow in.

Could you perhaps look into putting baby into nursery 1 morning/afternoon/day a week? I've just enrolled my little one and it has saved my sanity, babies are relentless and I needed just a few hours break.

I know it's hard to believe now, but you will be fine. And once you get in your stride, you and your little family will thrive.

So sorry this has happened. On a practical note, speak to the landlord/agency- it's at their discretion, and if you explain the situation they may well release you from the contract when they can get another tenant (sometimes tenants offer to pay towards the cost of remarketing the property).

What a horrible man. To just walk out and leave you with a newborn and a a toddler to look after.
I agree it sounds like there is someone else. Your attitude should be that they welcome to him.
Please ask for help from friends and family.
Wishing you great support.

He's a twat OP. How dare he complain about lack of affection from you when he behaves like this AND you are 10 wks PP! You need to get angry with him. Call a lawyer, ask your Mum to take the 2yo, take the baby with you. Change the locks. He does not get to do this to you.

My ex left me after 17 years with a newborn.

I also had been with him since 17.

You will survive, I promise. xxxx

I'm so sorry OP. He's shown his true colours.

Speak with a solicitor ASAP.

Talk to the landlord. They will probably release you if you can pay their fees to relet. Your dh is jointly liable if not.

scraping the barrel for excuses.

He truly is.

I'd take the excuses he's used as evidence that you are a very good partner and woman indeed; because he clearly has nothing on you.