Husband of 17 years has walked out leaving me with newborn and toddler

[ReySky]

Been with DH for 17 years, met him when I was 16. Have a 2.8 year old and a 10 week old. On Sunday he walked out on us and said he's fed up. He came back home so we could talk but said there's no chance of reconciliation and it's because I haven't been affectionate or loving enough and brought up the fact that 15 years ago I was jealous of him having a female friend (hasn't been an issue since, in fact I've actively encouraged his friendships with female colleagues). I feel so heartbroken and can't stop crying, I've tried to explain to him about me feeling sleep deprived and touched out (am breastfeeding). I had a really rough pregnancy and birth, I've only stopped bleeding in last couple of days. He seems so fine and calm and collected, and when I've been sobbing and begging him to stay he just stares at me and I've asked him for a hug and he's said no.

I don't know what I want from this post but I just feel absolutely drained and am finding it so difficult to look after both boys while crying constantly, trying to hard it from them but it's so hard .

So he's planning to move away? What about parenting HIS kids?

And this.

Too upsetting for him to see his kids being taken past bu their Mum???!!!!

For him??

He's so selfish it would actually be funny in other circumstances.

If rental market where you are is anything like where I live, try and hold on to your current place at all costs. Have a look on benefits calculator to assess what you are entitled to

Sorry to hear this OP. Sounds like his head has been turned and he’s blaming you to make himself feel better. Can someone stay with you for a few days to be with you and help with the children? 💐

You must be a saint, OP, if the worst two things he can drag up to make him seem less unreasonable and remain the hero in his own story are reduced affection when you've a two year old and a baby and something from 15 years ago. FWIW and I'm sorry but suspect he has someone else. Good luck.

I was lucky my mother would take her for a sleepover ever Saturday this was a life saver. I’d get out even just to friends house. It was a horrible part of my life and I resent him for but him as a person meh.

Don’t know what I ever saw in him he totally gives me the ick. He also got really big and I thought it was sweet justice after him calling my fat after having a baby.

There's another thread on here today - 'is x a shithouse?'

Your dick of a husband is the shithouse. He'll have a miserable lonely shithouse life, and deserve every minute.

Don't give him your dignity, don't forgive him ever, and don't make it easy for him to a weekend dad. He has chosen not to be a parent, so let him live with his choice.

Call his mum, your mum and everyone else. Let them get your back. Survive today, and you'll thrive again x

Text him and ask him what days he wants the kids, that you're going to start bottle feeding the young one so that baby can still feed on the "dad' days, and that if he hasn't texted you a response by 6pm that you're going to assume that he'll have them every other day and can he be ready for his day tomorrow at 9am.

fucking he’ll, OP, what an utter cunt to leave you and your small children at this time

This just gets worse. It sounds like he is planning to remove himself totally from all of your lives. What an absolute he is. Very similar scenario to Helen Skelton's husband. He clearly had met a new woman before leaving regardless of what he says.

Helen Skelton came to my mind too.

Something along these lines. He needs to know he is still responsible.

What the fuck is with these men?? Mine seemed like the nicest, sweetest guy ever until he did what he said in my last post. What is wrong with with them that they just turn into different people/show their true colours then that's it, boom, they put us through hell. Bastards.

Usually narcissistic. Some can keep up an act for years until they decide they want something else.

Men these days are pathetic-as soon as their lives take a bit of a turn into the unknown they are off.

It will be a shock but try and get some control back. Keep all communication to a bare minimum, see a solicitor, speak to your landlord, get finance (& CMS) sorted out. Once you feel you have some say in how things will look going forward it will feel better.

All the best OP

So sorry OP. Sounds like his head has been turned. Bringing up something that happened years ago and blaming it on you for him wanting to leave is a classic sign. You're at a really vulnerable moment in your life and you need someone to care for you and care about you. Hope you get some comfort from posting here.

He's having an affair I'm afraid. What a scumbag.

"he would find it upsetting seeing" you and your boys walk past the shop. Yet he has apparently no compassion for you and your feelings having just had two babies. What a man child he seems. Sounds like you were happy enough for years until children came along and you couldnt be entirely devoted to him and his "needs" anymore. So sorry op

What an absolute rotter he is. Not only has he abandoned his wife, 10 week old baby and other young child, he has done so just after you have financially committed to a year's new lease and he is going to move away, leaving you with all the childcare.

I suspect this is due to guilt on his part and he thinks if he doesn't see you or his children, he will be able to just forget about it all. I'd eat my hat if there isn't another woman.

Mock at this if you like, but I really believe that men who walk out on very young babies and don't care for them should be criminalised. I don't mean jail them, but give them a criminal record and create a new offence of child abandonment or something.

Yep 😞 please brace yourself for a ‘new girlfriend’ popping up in a month or two.

What an absolute arsehole. You have to focus on yourself now and making sure you get what you need. I’m sure you know the mumsnet spiel about getting your ducks in a row and thinking ahead financially, so I won’t add to it. Just want to say this isn’t your fault and please look after yourself.

So many of us on here have been through this shock (admittedly my kids weren't babies). I'm so sorry, there are no words for how awful this is. You WILL survive this and you WILL be happy again. Without this useless, pathetic man. For now, take the comfort you can from your babies, family and friends xx

He has said he is thinking of moving away as he'd find it upsetting seeing me and the boys walk past the shop he walks at but we can't afford to break the tenancy on our home so don't know what will happen really.

Excuses excuses. He’s a pathetic excuse for a partner and father.
I’m so sorry he’s done this to you when you must be feeling exhausted ( please get GP to check your iron levels, I had the “ long bleed” after childbirth and it left me severely anaemic)
Hit him where it hurts, child support, bills to pay.
Always talk to your landlord — I was one for over 20 years and would never have kept a tenant to an agreement when circumstances changed. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve agreed a notice period ( one was 24 hours!) because of a split, new job, family crisis.

No please don't do this. The children are precious., and not to be used as weapons. Please give them the respect they deserve. You will hurt yourself as a mother more if you use them like this.
All this ' you can have them all the school holidays, every weekend and every Friday ' shitty, definitely does not come from a loving mother who is dealing with the misery that her children are already going through because of the situation.
This is not to say he shouldn't have them at all, but they shouldn't be used as weapons.

Yes, I'd suggest doing something like this. So he's "fed up"??
He's not the one that's just given birth and done all the childcare. He may find he ends up doing a lot more of it if you've split up.
I bet he thinks he can just leave it all to you, but he can't.

Maybe he won't be so calm and collected when he realises he's going to have to look after both of them on his days without your support . . .

Totally overwhelmed by everyone's lovely words, thank you so much. I feel like a switch has flicked and now I feel more empowered and less like a victim dancing to his tune. Sadly I'm inclined to agree with those of you thinking there's another woman. I have a couple of suspects but no way of proving anything and I'm sure it'll all come out in due course. Seeing a family solicitor on Monday (have worked in family law for many years so thankfully have contacts) and going to try and keep my practical head on moving forwards.

Great to hear you sounding more positive. Its the initial shock that's so awful. And the length of time you've been together.