Husband of 17 years has walked out leaving me with newborn and toddler

[ReySky]

Been with DH for 17 years, met him when I was 16. Have a 2.8 year old and a 10 week old. On Sunday he walked out on us and said he's fed up. He came back home so we could talk but said there's no chance of reconciliation and it's because I haven't been affectionate or loving enough and brought up the fact that 15 years ago I was jealous of him having a female friend (hasn't been an issue since, in fact I've actively encouraged his friendships with female colleagues). I feel so heartbroken and can't stop crying, I've tried to explain to him about me feeling sleep deprived and touched out (am breastfeeding). I had a really rough pregnancy and birth, I've only stopped bleeding in last couple of days. He seems so fine and calm and collected, and when I've been sobbing and begging him to stay he just stares at me and I've asked him for a hug and he's said no.

I don't know what I want from this post but I just feel absolutely drained and am finding it so difficult to look after both boys while crying constantly, trying to hard it from them but it's so hard .

Just had a quick snoop in his rucksack while he's popped out, he's been very protective of it lately. Didn't get too far as baby started crying but did find a massive bag of weed. I'm buying the boys second hand clothes off ebay and selling things on Facebook to try and save some money for son's 3rd birthday party and he's buying £80 trainers and weed. I'm raging.

That is not what I'd have expected you to find! Any chance he's dealing it rather than smoking it?

He told me a couple of weeks ago he'd smoked it but had just been given a roll up and had made it last over a week. I'm so angry I'm shaking. Also found a bunch of empty packets of reletrans (?) which Google tells me is an opioid painkiller, but he hasn't had any pain issues. So I'm thinking there's some addictions going on. I don't even recognise him anymore. I just feel so cross that I'm struggling to buy the boys clothes etc and he knows that. I just want him gone now.

I've read your posts. I think head turned like many other pp, but in case it is addiction.

Keep snooping at home. You need to know what is going on - so old phones, ipads, tablets, computers, emails, etc.
Change passwords to all accounts relating to cash, savings, house etc.
Move money out of savings, joint account etc.
I know you are renting but need to consider how to keep him out so he cant just turn up when he chooses.

I was stunned by the comment "when you start paying the rent" - you do need to start assuming that he will not pay anything unless forced. So please CMS, apply for UC if you qualify.

But cancel a birthday party - really not an essential at the moment.

Ok. He is a drug user. You don't need someone like that in your life and nor do your children. I wish you all the best.

He is an absolute fucking cunt to do that to you. My god.

It sounds like there’s a fuck ton to find out yet. Despite the bag of weed find, I still wouldn’t be surprised if there’s another woman. For him to make and spaff a load of money and to happily leave you and the babies struggling is unforgivable. As is his pathetic plan to move away from you all. Utter cunt.

I wish you all the strength you’ll need to cope but listening to you, I think you’ll be just fine. You sound strong.

I have now seen a Solicitor who gave me various options, although priority right now is for me to sort out somewhere to live. The estate agent we rent off have said they're only happy to rent to one of us if we individually earn three times the rent, which we don't but DH is closer to it than me and besides which I think moving out and having a new start somewhere he doesn't know would be nice.

Solicitor has recommended no unsupervised contact due to him being shouty etc with DS1 and because of the drugs found, however whilst living under the same roof I am finding it very hard to manage this. I haven't told him I've obtained legal advice. I just want to move out now, but despite everything he's done I will feel guilty as I know he would struggle to afford to live here on his own, but I guess it's time to be a little selfish for the boys and I.

I moved out with my DD when she was a toddler. It’s hard at first especially when you’re angry and sad but my dd really helped because you still have to function. He does not sound like he will be reasonable so go through the system. My ex said I am not paying any money send me a shopping list each week!!!

I sent him a letter from CMS and the same day he agreed to a payment.

It is a gruelling situation and it took me quite a while to get over the way he had behaved but I am much happier now. When someone shows you who they really are believe them! I hope you get everything sorted out and have peace with your children.

You have to manage the unsupervised access to your children. If it ends up in family court you you can use that as evidence. If you allow unsupervised access while knowing he's using drugs/shouting at them etc, his legal team will use that to claim he's should have continued unsupervised access.

I know, this is what worries me, and is a reason I just want to move out ASAP.

I've applied for social housing explaining the situation in my application but have not heard back yet and know they're inundated right now.

You'll be fine as long as you can evidence that you've been making sure to be around so he's not been unsupervised with them. Keep any evidence of cancelling appointments/meeting friends etc and you can use this as your evidence of his team argue otherwise - if it gets that far.

Set out a plan on paper, a sort of timeline to work towards then you've a clear goal to work towards. Smaller goals are easier to see as possible than the massive goal of the end result.

Think about altering your work/childcare arrangements - if they're gonna change when you leave the home, might as well start thinking about what they'll look like and make plans for it. Make plans as if you've already left and are on your own with them, esp as he needs to be supervised with them. A

This is awful for you. I’m so sorry you have been treated like this. It sounds like most feel he has planned this/has had his head turned but it wasn’t my first thought. If this really is out of the blue could he be suffering from a poor mental health episode in reaction to having a newborn?

Oh ok I just read more of the thread and seen the reference to drugs and shouting and he wasn’t a good egg to start with! I’m sorry OP. I hope you can get a plan in place.

He's a total bas.

Good riddance.

It must hurt so much but you've done nothing wrong.

You will recover from this and have the happy future you deserve.

He's not;he's another selfish irresponsible man who's got buyers regret after having children;they've been together 14 years before having children and when they've come along and he's decided he can't be arsed as it's too much responsibility.

I've seen it happen before;one friend was left with 2 toddlers aged 2&3 (coincidentally he left his exW when their DC was 3) and another friend was left with 2 year twins.

Just when I thought he couldn't get any worse. I was taking DS to the park this morning and he tagged along. There was a snack van thing there and I came over feeling very faint, having been up since 4 and no dinner last night, and I said I was going to grab a packet of crisps or something. He said no we've got food at home, and went on a big rant about how if I've got spare money I can give it to him. He had seen that I'd been to B and M the other day and was listing things I'd bought, and I explained my mum had kindly bought them, and he said in that case I can give him the money that she spent. Then said he's no longer going to pay for me to be insured on "his" car, said he's got nowhere to stay as no one wants him, and worst of all said he was a victim in our relationship which really stung. I bit my tongue about the fact that he spent £80 on some trainers and he still isn't aware I've found drugs in his bag. I didn't want to argue in the car with the boys there. I just wish the housing association would get back to me, I just want to get away from him. The atmosphere is unbearable. Just needed a rant.

I think I would leave with your DC OP, before he leaves you and you're the one left with a flat you can't afford.

Do you have enough for your deposit and first month's rent for somewhere cheaper, so you can do that straight away?

If not, go to your mum's or dad's until you have it saved. I know conservatory or sofa doesn't sound good but you'll find a way of staying there tolerably for a short time if you have to.

I went to my mother house, I have myself 3 months to turn around and found a place and moved in that time period.

if you do stay somewhere else do not tell the housing as they will say you’re not homeless anymore and you’d drop down the list.

I'm so so sorry you're going through this. Whatever happens next - even if he "changes his mind" and wants to try again - remember that you can never really forgive him for this. Anyone who could do this to you at such a vulnerable time, when they should be cherishing and supporting you, really isn't worth it. I know obviously you cannot feel it now but he's done you a massive favour. And he won't see his children for dust because they won't give a shit about who walked out on them and their beloved mum.
Do you have some good friends you can rely on? What's he saying in terms of money etc?

My first thought - another woman xx

Sending love. Youll thank him In The long run the bastard

The reletrans is an odd one. It's like a synthetic morphine for chronic pain. Usually it will be patches like a nicotine patch so you'd notice if he was wearing one. Doctors don't just prescribe it all willy hilly either because it is a strictly controlled drug. It can also be used like methadone to wean you off heroin. Is that a possibility do you think? Could he be on class A drugs?

Hes an addict I think - I’d go to your fathers conservatory - if he’s local - save up some money for yourself. Also you maybe entitled to some benefits - look up entitled to - he’s. Skunk -

I'm so sorry you're going through this. He is deluded and it does sound like there are quite serious addictions going on. I hope you manage to get the housing situation sorted soon and find somewhere safe with your two DC.