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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband of 17 years has walked out leaving me with newborn and toddler

176 replies

ReySky · 03/09/2022 08:41

Been with DH for 17 years, met him when I was 16. Have a 2.8 year old and a 10 week old. On Sunday he walked out on us and said he's fed up. He came back home so we could talk but said there's no chance of reconciliation and it's because I haven't been affectionate or loving enough and brought up the fact that 15 years ago I was jealous of him having a female friend (hasn't been an issue since, in fact I've actively encouraged his friendships with female colleagues). I feel so heartbroken and can't stop crying, I've tried to explain to him about me feeling sleep deprived and touched out (am breastfeeding). I had a really rough pregnancy and birth, I've only stopped bleeding in last couple of days. He seems so fine and calm and collected, and when I've been sobbing and begging him to stay he just stares at me and I've asked him for a hug and he's said no.

I don't know what I want from this post but I just feel absolutely drained and am finding it so difficult to look after both boys while crying constantly, trying to hard it from them but it's so hard .

OP posts:
miamiibiza · 03/09/2022 17:54

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Check out what you are entitled to benefits wise, and start the application for UniversalCredit.

Take care of you x

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 03/09/2022 18:06

TheFlyingFox · 03/09/2022 15:30

What an absolute rotter he is. Not only has he abandoned his wife, 10 week old baby and other young child, he has done so just after you have financially committed to a year's new lease and he is going to move away, leaving you with all the childcare.

I suspect this is due to guilt on his part and he thinks if he doesn't see you or his children, he will be able to just forget about it all. I'd eat my hat if there isn't another woman.

Mock at this if you like, but I really believe that men who walk out on very young babies and don't care for them should be criminalised. I don't mean jail them, but give them a criminal record and create a new offence of child abandonment or something.

I totally agree with child abandonment charges. How anyone can leave a family so vulnerable is beyond me.
Huge hug and support to you.
You are an angel 👼 and he is the 👿 devil.
Let him go to hell!

TabithaTittlemouse · 03/09/2022 18:11

What a cunt.

I know it doesn’t feel like it now but you and your children will be okay.

Sunshinegirl82 · 03/09/2022 18:13

What a fucking shitty thing to do OP, I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Are you on mat leave or are you a stay at home parent? Have you checked to see what maintenance you are entitled to? I'd get a claim in with the CMS straightaway as I don't think they can back date.

You might be entitled to some free nursery hours for your two year old so it's worth looking into that.

blisstwins · 03/09/2022 18:23

Umbongoberyl · 03/09/2022 08:50

This sounds like ‘the script’ often talked about - another woman.
He’s cold, detached, scraping the barrel for excuses.
what an absolute arsehole leaving you at this point. Call friends/family immediately get help.

This.
doesn’t matter if he begged for forgiveness now. You know what he is capable of. Not a good man. If will suck for a while, but he is an alien now and doesn’t have your interests at heart.
protect yourself and your children and look forward. This will not define you and your family, I promise.

Catlover1970 · 03/09/2022 18:30

he has met someone

Okaaaay · 03/09/2022 18:48

So glad to read your last post - you’re going to be fine, one day at a time.

Just to be clear though, none of this is on you. Not acceptable to walk out on your partner of 17 years when there is a baby and toddler to consider in any (other than the most extreme) circumstances. What a prick for doing so when you’d just given birth. I’m sorry for you and what will be a tough time, but you and your boys will be better and stronger without him.

Facecream · 03/09/2022 19:02

Well done OP! He is an absolute cunt.
Dont stop walking past his shop if you want.
Get the CMS claim sorted.
I wonder how much his love interest will be interested when he has even less money than he does now

Yourstory · 03/09/2022 19:02

It's great to hear from your last post you are getting focused on having it together. What awful timing, your hormones must be enough at the moment as it is. His behaviour sounds incredibly immature and selfish. You deserve so much more. Don't do the pick me dance. It won't work. Your self esteem will forever be in tatters. There will be no coming back from it. 17 years is a long time but it is more than possible to start again. Many others have successfully done so.

Remain strong in front of him, even if you have to cry in front of others. It is all so new for you to get your head around. He has the advantage of time. He is not on your side anymore and hasn't been for a long time.

I supported someone through similar. They felt like their world had ended for years. Now they look back and they see it as the other person done them a favour. They are so much happier in a new relationship and they never would have thought that after how broken they felt. They have also seen a very different, manipulative, lying side to the other person that they never could see even existed before and wouldn't have believed if anyone said so. They had a very lucky escape that they just had no clue about at the time.

From now on you fight for you and your babies with every last bit of strength you have. It will be hard but you will do it. You deserve better so don't except less. You will be a great role model to your children not accepting less than you deserve too.

Boreded · 03/09/2022 19:13

He will have started an affair (my bet is emotional and he is ‘moving’ to be near her) - he will be back in a few weeks and you’ll have to deal with all of the emotional fall out.

that’s what my husband (partner of 18 years - since I was 17) has just done to me…he is back, but he is still a wanker and I hate him, but I can’t afford to leave him.

Skodacool · 03/09/2022 19:29

MrMrsJones · 03/09/2022 08:48

Well he has certainly checked out, and made sure its all your fault for the final measure.

His head has been turned by someone interesting and not covered in baby sick. Way to go to support the mother of your children, nope just opt out!!

I so wish mothers could say "hey you know what, this whole baby lark isn't for me, your right" hand the children over to them, leaving them wide eyed and speechless and leave.

I agree, he’s met some else. I’ve long been of the view that a man who walks away like this should be made to take the children with him. It would certainly make him less of an attraction.

IrishladyNE · 03/09/2022 19:33

Would you want your children with such a bellend? I’d rather suck it up, roll with the punches and come out of the other side. No matter how bad it gets you fight strength. I did and I was a gibberish wreck. I don’t wait around fro karma anymore. I did for a while but they would never ever allow you to se me their downfall. Then you just don’t need to see it. It happens to so many women after children. It’s awful and soul destroying but it doesn’t stay that way

MyStarBoy · 03/09/2022 19:33

He’s an incredibly irresponsible selfish arsehole.
I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but you really will be so much better off without him.
Sadly there’s no quick fix for you to escape the incredible pain right now but you really will be okay. You have to go through it to come out the other side.
He’ll very likely come crawling back one day, by which time you will see him for what he really is.
Stay strong for your lovely little ones, you will be ok 💐💐💐

Original poster
ReySky · 03/09/2022 20:16

Well he came home from work two hours late tonight, said he will move out as soon as I start paying the rent, and now he's gone to a "friend's house" after having a shower. I'm trying to just stay focused and practical but every so often I get that awful feeling like I've been punched in the stomach.

OP posts:
Wibbly1008 · 03/09/2022 20:27

HappyAsASandboy · 03/09/2022 09:16

What a shit to leave you at this point, after years and years of marriage Angry

Hard as it will be to keep the world turning for your boys right now, you will manage it, and need to stay in the house if you possibly can. It might feel like it can't get any worse, but if you move out to a relatives then he will move back in, and then you'll have nowhere to go unless you're happy to houseshare with someone causing you a lot of pain. So stay in the house and hope he has the decency to stay out of it.

There are many women who have been here before you, and lots of them are in Mumsnet. Listen to them and benefit from their experience! In your shoes, I would play hardball with him right now; CMS claim and offer a level of access to the children that you're happy with (maybe Saturday daytimes with your toddler, with you and the baby joining them for a couple of hours in the afternoon for supervised access with the baby? Plus a few hours with the toddler one night in the week?), and make him believe there is zero chance of reconciliation.

If you beg and plead with him at this point, you'll look weak and needy and a pushover; if you crack on with independence then he may just change his mind, at which point you can weigh up your new life against taking him back.

Above all, remember he is a shit for doing this to you, especially at this point in your marriage. Don't accept any of the blame at all - growing, birthing and feeding babies is hardcore stuff and you needed his support not him wimping out Angry

This. Absolutely this.

IrishladyNE · 03/09/2022 20:27

You will because it’s gut wrenching. Especially after 17 years. Don’t be ashamed to feel heartbroken and depressed it’s a perfectly natural response. Trotted of to his friends house did? Don’t see all that time spent as a waste of your life.

I held out hope that it could be fixed and return to lovely person he was. That’s was a complete waste of time. Once this behaviour starts there’s really no turning back. I don’t want to make you feel worse just prepared. It used to kill me that he could just go and do whatever but I had a child to put to bed and felt so alone. Keep talking keep getting up and out no matter how shit you feel.

this Guy is missing an empathy chip, he will never have it. I mad em ex take some responsibility and he fought me tooth and nail. I don’t have a fair deal but children grow you’ll have more time for yourself and you can carve out a new life. Promise I have been there

ivykaty44 · 03/09/2022 20:28

I’d get onto UC and child maintenance service first thing in the morning . Do you know how much he earns?

Mummybud · 03/09/2022 20:39

ReySky · 03/09/2022 20:16

Well he came home from work two hours late tonight, said he will move out as soon as I start paying the rent, and now he's gone to a "friend's house" after having a shower. I'm trying to just stay focused and practical but every so often I get that awful feeling like I've been punched in the stomach.

As soon as you start paying rent? What planet does he live on. He’s financially responsible for those two children, if he wants to abandon them he has to pay for them. I’m so sorry you’re going through this - keep your chin up and stay strong for you and your children.

LittleOwl153 · 03/09/2022 20:48

He's your husband... so I'd be seeking solicitor support for some spousal maintenance as well as the child maintenance at least for the year you'll be out of the workplace on maternity leave - whether or not you worked before.

I'd be telling him that he will need to continue to pay the rent/bills for the next 12 months (until you planned to return to work) so he'd best make plan on that basis. Legally you can't force him, although as I assume you are joint tenants he can't just remove himself from the tenancy without your agreement - which he wouldn't get from me until baby was 12 months old.

When you are in a calmer place get onto UC and CMS as both start claims from your contact date. Work out what he owes you and where that will leave you. (And do t forget on divorce you will be entitled to 50% plus of the assets given he plans to move away from the kids... pathetic man!)

Soontobe60 · 03/09/2022 20:50

Check all the bank accounts, make sure he’s not taking money.

flirtygirl · 03/09/2022 20:53

You should see if you can take your name of the tenancy and move out. Leave him to Sir the tenancy, ie pay it or get into debt.

Also if you are with your mum or dad, you would have support to sort out what to do.

I would plan from tonight as if he has died. Ie you never see him again. Sounds like he is not bothered with tkids. Don't be a martyr and offer access, if he doesn't want it or suggest it. A clean break is better for kids espescially so young then a parent who comes and goes and rarely sees them.

Silvertongue212 · 03/09/2022 20:59

Really sorry you're in this situation. My husband left me the day before I gave birth to our second child in very similar circumstances (also have a 2 year old and husband also said I wasn't emotionally supportive enough). My baby is now 3m old.

I'm early on in this journey too but I went from feeling raw and devastated and like I would never be happy again to feeling positive about the future and certain I never want my ex back relatively quickly. There are bad days but nothing like the first week or so after he told me. You won't be feeling how your feeling now forever. I completely understand you wanting some comfort from your husband and how painful his coldness was - that's the person you usually turn to when you need support and it takes a while to get your head round that not being an option anymore.

I would say try to keep your emotions in check with him as much as you can. My ex and I had some arguments / emotionally charged discussions after he said he was leaving and it made me feel much worse and I wish I hadn't given him the headspace when I should have been focusing on the children. Plus if you can remain civil you will probably come out of the breakup better. Also don't be pushed into making big financial or other decisions immediately if you can help it. It all takes time to process and you might need professional advice.

And try to enjoy your baby. One of the things I resent my ex most for is ruining my baby's birth and first few weeks of his life but I determined at some point that I wasn't going to let him take any more time away from me.

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk.

GettingItOutThere · 03/09/2022 20:59

check your bank accounts and move half - sorry to play dirty but it sounds like his head is turned

as hard as this is right now, get yoru business head on. Get paperwork, money in order today.
if he has another woman and prepared to walk away from his kids he will take your money too and leave your right up shit street

Livelovebehappy · 03/09/2022 21:00

Definitely OW. 100% script. Mirrors exactly how it went down with me when husband suddenly walked out. Get angry - stay strong and get onto the important stuff straight away - move money out of any accounts you hold, get the paperwork done for maintenance, look into what benefits you can get, and look to family and friends for emotional support. He has been planning this, so you have some catching up to do. He might not expect you to get strong straight away, but just prove him wrong. Don’t waste any tears on him, he’s really not worth it. You can do this OP. Flowers

Milkand2sugarsplease · 03/09/2022 21:01

Start getting your ducks in a row. Hold it together in front of him. See your solicitor about your options. Tell H you need to make living arrangement plans as you need to get an application in with CMS etc.

Aside from that, be the best mum you can be to your two babies and when you have time to yourself, allow yourself to feel emotions - you'll go through many of them over the coming months.

One thing is for sure, you can come out of it the other side, better than ever and grasping single life by the horns. xx

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