Husband of 17 years has walked out leaving me with newborn and toddler

[ReySky]

Been with DH for 17 years, met him when I was 16. Have a 2.8 year old and a 10 week old. On Sunday he walked out on us and said he's fed up. He came back home so we could talk but said there's no chance of reconciliation and it's because I haven't been affectionate or loving enough and brought up the fact that 15 years ago I was jealous of him having a female friend (hasn't been an issue since, in fact I've actively encouraged his friendships with female colleagues). I feel so heartbroken and can't stop crying, I've tried to explain to him about me feeling sleep deprived and touched out (am breastfeeding). I had a really rough pregnancy and birth, I've only stopped bleeding in last couple of days. He seems so fine and calm and collected, and when I've been sobbing and begging him to stay he just stares at me and I've asked him for a hug and he's said no.

I don't know what I want from this post but I just feel absolutely drained and am finding it so difficult to look after both boys while crying constantly, trying to hard it from them but it's so hard .

OP I am in a similar position but a few months further down the line. It’s been the worst year of my life, spent months holding it together in the day for the DC then sobbing my heart out in bed at night time. My advice is take it each day as it comes, you will be on an emotional rollercoaster for some time. Disbelief, feeling rejected, low mood, stress etc.. I hated everyone telling me that in time it’s gets better and it’s really sad that there is no quick fix for when horrid men do this to us with no warning. Keep this post to remind you of how you were feeling and all the encouraging words that have been spoken. Fake it till you make it has helped me a lot. Be kind to yourself and remember it’s on him not you.

I strongly suspect he has another woman, has had her for a while and had his move planned.

It's not your fault. Ever. People do what they want to do. Follow the advice people have given, even if you don't feel up to it. Do what's best for you and your children, now.

Op with you both named on the tenancy the liability is joint and several which means you are both liable for all the rent. If he thinks he can just walk away from a contractual responsibility perhaps someone should set him straight.

I would not do what others have said and contact your landlord. Wait until you have taken legal advice.

He is going to have a shock. Plus 18 years of CMS.

I am glad you’re feeling calmer. It’s absolutely all about him and he is now showing his true colours. The comment about you paying the rent is ridiculous. It all is really. I am sure you will very quickly loose all respect for him.

You’ve had some great support. Just on the practical side, I am a landlord. I wouldn’t keep you in the tenancy under these circumstances. In your position, I’d have a look at the cost of the sort of rental you would take before asking to be released. Rents have gone up massively in the past 12 months. If your ll didn’t increase your rent or not by very much, you may find the sort of place you’d rent alone would be a similar price albeit smaller.

In future, you could consider going onto a periodic tenancy after the initial term. You have less protection as the ll only needs to give you 2 months notice, but you have a lot more flexibility. I always encourage tenants to take advantage of this albeit some are nervous I may sell, which wouldn’t be the case.

@ReySky Just want to say how sorry I am for how you have been treated - this is so unacceptable and you/your babies do NOT deserve it.
You are doing brilliantly to start getting your practical head on already and getting your case in order. He has obligations (financial/legal and moral) to your children and he can F off with his ‘I’ll move out when you start paying the rent’. Who walks out on a newborn?

I am the first to say that life is too short to stay in a relationship when you are unhappy but this is just so shitty of him.

He could have waited a few more weeks, knowing how much you are going to struggle with such a young baby and pay the bills.
I assume he works FT so wouldn’t see you much anyway.

I know it doesn’t feel like it now and you probably want him to turn around and say sorry and that he wants to come back but you will soon realise how vile he actually is and wonder what you ever saw in him.

Make a claim for UC as of you can’t afford to pay the full rent they MAY help you with a top up.
Also make a claim for maintenance or ask him outright how much he will be providing.

Can’t believe he’s wanting to move away he’s a complete joke!
Most men want to stay local so they can still see their kids often -

This OW is soon going to find out what a vile selfish man he really is.

The last paragraph of this comment, absolutely!

Op so sorry to read your post what a shit time. Take care x

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Can’t really offer any advice other than what previous posters have said but I know it’s hard to see now but things happen for a reason and things will get better x

You need to find your anger and tell him to get the hell out. Your home isn’t a hotel. He’s coming and going as he pleases, which will energetically be sapping so much more from you at a time when you need to focus on your babies, and thinks he’s walking away without having to contribute? I truly hope that isn’t his expectation.

Also…putting the blame on you so he doesn’t have to face up to his own shitty behaviour. He’s showing you who he is, believe him, and never take him back. Sending you so much love and strength 💛

He is following 'the Script.' he is being a dick. If you can't afford the flat then you don't have to stay there. He would have known he wanted to leave when he signed the lease. I think you should find somewhere else to stay then find a cheaper place for just you and the kids.

Watch videos on you tube on break ups and their mentality and how to move on. They helped me so much and they are something to focus on. You have to work on yourself and get to a place where you are completely comfortable and happy with yourself so you don't need a man and you will be so much happier in so many ways. Congratulations on your two lovely children.

befire anything else I want to send a hug and honestly I know it sounds awful but you will be ok . It seems to me ( I deal with a lot if divorces ) he has another person . That’s very typical behaviour

I'm sorry to say I think you are right his head has been turned.
I promise you it will get easier and you will be happy again, sooner than you think, you will probably even get to realise you were not as happy as you thought.
You be strong and hold your head high, also don't let him tell you it's your fault it is not your fault.
Please don't take him back, he will do it again. X

Do your universal credit claim tonight as a single person, the sooner you get your rent paid and you get him out the better for you, you deserve so much better and after a while you will find you are so much happier on your own. X

So sorry OP. You sound remarkably strong. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking that this is your fault or that anything he does now is in your best interests. He's a selfish twat who is only thinking of himself. Please try to remember that he's not on your side anymore so don't trust anything he does or says.

Oh and moving away to prevent potential hurt by bumping into you - how stupid does he think you are? Not stupid enough to believe his BS, that's for sure...

Please try to take care of yourself as best you can.

So many people saying 'his head has been turned'. He is a grown man and a parent of two babies. He has turned his own head and has full responsibility for his actions.

I think you need to pull the rug from under his feet as he seems to have the upper hand right now. Is the tenancy just in your name? If not I would move in with your one of you parents and remove yourself from the tenancy.

Just go, pack essentials and arrange collection for belongings on another date. You need to gather all the birth certificates, bank details if you share take everything important.

He's been planning this for a while, don't make it easy for him, leave him in the shit with the rental. This is not up to you to sort out because he finds it hard. Make sure you get maintenance sorted ASAP so he stops spending it on fucking trainers.

@KhaleesiDothraki

My husband announced he was unhappy and wanted to leave completely out of the blue in January, it then came out he was having an affair. There had been no signs he was unhappy and he had never said anything to me about being unhappy. Myself and our children are still shocked and devastated. It has torn our extended family apart.

I think some men, even those in generally happy marriages, do have affairs. Mine was always a bit selfish and has narcissistic traits.

Can you imagine if a woman decided to leave the house and kids. Men can just get up and leave and forget all responsibility. It's so unfair. I'm furious for you all. How dare they. They aren't "men" are they?

Men rarely leave a relationship unless they have someone else lined up. Sounds like you're best rid of him before the children got attached to him.

OP, don't be surprised, there definitely is another woman. No man has ever walked away with a backup.

I've heard of "The script" do the men honestly follow the same exact pattern? Have people studied this?

@vroom321

Re this

I've heard of "The script" do the men honestly follow the same exact pattern? Have people studied this?

My husband did, he rewrote our entire life together. Blamed me for his supposed unhappiness. Tried to deny there was anyone else until he had to admit the truth. He then said he had ended it so I stupidly let him stay. I found out 4 months later he'd continued the affair the entire time. I'd been convinced he was still seeing her but they both denied it, until I caught him out.

I don't know if all men follow the same pattern but I have a friend going through the same and her husband came out with some of the exact same crap mine did.