Fighting the urge to contact abusive ex partner

[Inamess2022]

I’ve come out of a horrible toxic mess of a relationship recently. I feel mentally destroyed like I’m sitting here trying to work from home, be there for my son, relying on my parents in my early 40s to pick me up and he’s most likely planning a sleazy hook up or perving over Instagram accounts with women half his age on them 😞😞😞how do you fight the urge to email or text and say exactly how they have made you feel? How do I stop ruminating on everything and worrying about who he is going to meet next😞I’m on my third day of taking sertraline and my anxiety seems to be going through the roof 😞

He is not your friend. He cannot and will not make you feel any better. You have to be your own best friend. And with that in mind think about what you'd advise your own best friend to do, and no contact is the only way. A brighter future is out there, you've made the hardest step by leaving, now keep going. Every step you put between yourself and him is one you are taking towards your new life.

I just found you can’t give them the satisfaction and it will make no difference to what they do. They will simply frame you as crazy, bitter or jealous. Much better to maintain the high ground and let them worry that you’re having a lovely time of it

The relationship only ended recently. It'll take time to recover. Try not to force yourself to be over it so soon. It sounds like you still have a lot to process.

I would recommend journalling. Write out all your feelings, perhaps in the form of a letter to him, pour all your anger and hurt into it, then rip it to shreds.

Talk to us instead. We'll be much more understanding of your emotions than he would be.

Is therapy/counselling an option for you?

I am also fighting the urge to reach out to my narcissistic ex. Don't do it OP, it will be worth it in the long run.
I'm leaning on family and friends for support, can you do the same?
I hope you're ok, I know its shitty I find it worse at night

First of all, it’s normal to feel worse when you first start sertraline - give it time and you will feel a lot better.

Secondly - don’t contact him. Please don’t. I know it’s so hard but block him everywhere, don’t look at his social media, every time your mind wanders to him shout “me, me, me” out loud or in your head because that’s where your focus should be. On YOU. Taking care of YOU, healing YOU. You will be far happier without him in time. Do you feel like someone like him will ever be truly happy?

“how do you fight the urge to email or text and say exactly how they have made you feel? How do I stop ruminating on everything and worrying about who he is going to meet next”

he’s an asshole and won’t care how it’s made you feel by the sounds of it. To contact him will only give him an ego boost, don’t give him it.

give the meds time to work, you’ll get there x

What is it that contacting him can give you that nothing else can? Get to the bottom of that question, and you'll have the answer to why his hooks are still in you.

Remember that you're in charge. You're the boss. You're the authority. You're in control. Nobody can start or stop you in any of your decisions except yourself and the law. And even the law can only stop you afterwards.

He and his feelings and thoughts and behaviours, have no control over you.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. The reality is I’m in my early 40s, my parents are here helping me rebuild my house (he moved out and took all his furniture etc and basically left it in a state mess everywhere a few weeks ago tipping my clothes etc out of “his” wardrobe 😞) The house looks so lovely now and everything in it best of all is now ours..I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. My mind ruminates on all of the incidents that have occurred, all of the tipping points over the last two years that I should have left but didn’t, I feel weak foolish and pathetic. It makes me sick that he is increasing his “followers” etc and carrying on like he is the dogs bollocks and probably has no feeling about this whilst I’m in one of my lowest ever ebbs. I have to stop checking stuff like social media he was blocked for a while, I was doing ok, now the urge has come back, even to do irrational things like contact another of his exs who I know it ended badly with even though I recognise this is irrational. I am doing counselling once a week, have started meds, have even gone back to work but I really feel mentally scarred.

I keep thinking about him going out and sleeping with another woman in particular and it feels like that though is so pervasive and all consuming at times. It’s making me feel “abnormal” he was so bloody horrible to me, he called me despicable names, he got physical. I can’t reconcile it with the person I met six years ago who seemed so caring and loving 😞😞

Turn it around and pity the woman who ends up sleeping with him, you are well rid. Onwards and upwards. Enjoy YOUR lovely home and new opportunities. X

He was quite a bit older than me, had lots of baggage, dominating, controlling, a bully boy by the end. But like all abusers could turn on the charismatic funny nice facade for people. I think that’s what’s making me so angry and upset that his life will just carry on whilst mine feels stuck, and I feel like I will never trust or meet another nice man again in the future 😞😞😞But this isn’t on my radar in anyway whatsoever, I badly want to take some time for my son and I, get some peace, focus on my friends and family, also my job. It just feels so bloody hard and wrenching to get there 😞

I feel as though I’ve been controlled, used, abused..I tried for so long to make it “better” until I finally got the courage to say enough is enough. But it’s like I’ve just crashed now mentally

The way you’re feeling is completely normal.

Its traumatic, and it will take time to recover but I absolutely promise that you will recover. Have you thought about counselling?

In what way does it make you feel 'abnormal'? This will be the root of the thing.

I feel abnormal for being jealous and for feeling like I need him in my life and I won’t cope. I feel like I was never enough. I feel abnormal for constantly thinking I need to check his social media 😞😞😞

The pain and the anxiety of this are overwhelming and just the mixed up feelings of relief and then upset, it’s awful

I feel utterly floored with depression. I’m not sure if the sertraline is making it worse 😞😞I literally dragged my son to the park today as I know I have to keep going for him but I feel so very very alone. I feel like my life has turned out to be a total mess in my 40s

Remember that domestic abuse is a crime (coercive control, assault, battery etc). One of the main things about domestic abuse is that the victim (you) is living at the crime scene with the criminal (the abuser). The place where you are supposed to be safest (your home) becomes a place of fear and danger. It’s horrific.

In addition, there is a cycle of abuse whereby the abuser behaves appallingly some of the time but then lovebombs the victim to make up for the appalling treatment. This is the charming person that you fell in love with so there’s probably huge relief that things seem to be on the up again and a hope that they will stay that way but they never do. And you hear their voice in your head spouting all kinds of poison.

So you’re on a constant, hellish, emotional roller-coaster, in a state of fear and fight and flight and crazy adrenalised upswings, as well as dealing with the cognitive dissonance of the fact that the person who should cherish you and have your back can treat you so badly.

This is an incredibly damaging experience to go through. You’re a survivor. You have got away from this man but he and your relationship with him are in your system like heroine or some equally harmful drug. The damage he has done is going to take a very significant amount of processing and you’re likely to have withdrawal and recovery symptoms. He can’t help you with this. He can only poison you more. Get as much support as you can from your family and friends and get counselling if you can. It’s a bumpy journey but you will get through this and get to a much better place.

Dery Thank you so much. You have summed up exactly what my situation is like, I was used to living with the ups and downs and it was like my mind was in a constant state of chaos. I think I presumed by leaving him I would feel a sense of relief straight away but I just feel absolutely horrible, am questioning my own mind and decisions, am thinking was it something I did or said, all along knowing I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. Months of friends and family knowing it was not a good relationship but me covering up in particular the physical shoves and pushes and throwing stuff a lot of the time. I showed my parents and friends a video of how he was by the end as I was getting very worried for my safety and they were shocked at his anger and verbal abuse. I can’t reconcile it all yet it feels like a huge insurmountable task.

As Dery has said, recovering from an abusive relationship is a lot like recovering from drug addiction. And the advice in the latter situation is to take things one day, one hour, or even one minute at a time.

When we're in an abusive situation our minds enter survival mode and there's a lot we don't really process in the moment because it's too difficult and distressing. Then we leave the relationship, and all of a sudden all this stuff hits us at once and it's incredibly overwhelming. It sounds like that's where you're at at the moment and I can empathise with the mental burnout. I've been out of my abusive relationship nearly 4 years now, and I can assure you it gets easier.

I know your life may feel messy and difficult right now but one day you'll look back at this time and see it for what it is, a new beginning.

I'm 5 months out. I had counselling and was told exactly what yellowsmileyface has mentioned. The relationship is addictive and it's up to you to break the habit. A suggestion I found helpful was to write a letter to him with your thoughts and feelings but not to include questions. You can write something like 'I'll always wonder why you did this' but don't ask because you need to accept that you won't get the truth.
But above all, focus on the positives of your life right now. Do you feel a weight has been lifted? Do you feel free? Focus on that, accept you want to contact him,focus on your positives and then let the thoughts pass you by. Stay strong, you can do this.

Been there done that and remember this-you were ok before you met him, so you'll be ok after. It takes time. Twenty years for me and some damage is still there but life moves on. You will be grieving the relationship for some time but as another poster said, pity the next person who gets involved with him-he won't have changed. Good luck

Thank you so much everyone for being kind. I am reading and absorbing everything that everyone has said. This is immensely hard I feel traumatised to be honest, it’s hard to focus on anything. Even the things I used to love like a good book or Netflix binge! I feel sickened by him, the impact he has had and the stress he has bought to mine and my families doorstep. He said some absolutely vile things when he was in the process of moving out, he made terrible false accusations, he walked away from my son (not his) without basically a second glance. And this is someone who actively portrays himself as a loving dad to his own three children. I feel like I never really knew the true person just a facade and I am ashamed that I let him into our life and our home. He even works for a charity and most people would be so taken in by the facade that’s what makes me so sick 😞

It’s very hard to get rid of the feeling that I am a complete fool. I don’t see me meeting anyone nice again in the future, I don’t see how I could ever trust anyone again. I will be starting the freedom programme soon as well as counselling so I know these are all the right things to be doing it’s just feeling immensely awful at present.

The shame is not yours, you did nothing wrong x