Fighting the urge to contact abusive ex partner

[Inamess2022]

I’ve come out of a horrible toxic mess of a relationship recently. I feel mentally destroyed like I’m sitting here trying to work from home, be there for my son, relying on my parents in my early 40s to pick me up and he’s most likely planning a sleazy hook up or perving over Instagram accounts with women half his age on them 😞😞😞how do you fight the urge to email or text and say exactly how they have made you feel? How do I stop ruminating on everything and worrying about who he is going to meet next😞I’m on my third day of taking sertraline and my anxiety seems to be going through the roof 😞

I have a little folder too with photos of bruises. Smashed doors, my car windows broken, me crying.

Keep them incase you ever need them, but maybe move them to a different folder to prevent you seeing them accidentally? I have an iPhone so moved mine to the “hidden”folder.

You are going through a withdrawal - do some reading on trauma bonds if you can.

Its hard, you are going cold turkey, you crave the “hit” of everything being ok again. You feel ashamed, question your own judgement but none of this is on you - the abuse is like a dripping tap and you don’t realise what you went through until you’re out. Your feelings right now are normal and healthy and they WILL pass.

You must never go back to this man - leaving is the easy part in a way, it’s staying away that is hard. One day at a time, just small steps.

My ex was vile to me, I’m nodding along to things you’ve written because they are so similar to what I went though. He went to work one day and ghosted me, and was then in a new relationship within a week.

7 weeks later he was begging to come back. If yours does the same please do not let him, you can’t heal in the presence of those who hurt you.

I'm so glad to hear this thread is helping you. I can understand, I was lucky when I left my abusive ex to have close friends and family who offered support, but I didn't want to lean on them too much as I was aware it was all very heavy.

As I said when we're experiencing abuse our minds enter survival mode, and part of that includes disassociation. It's strange, uncomfortable, and painful to be brought back to reality and really see things for how they were.

It feels like you were going mad because you were, and it isn't until we leave that we start to regain our sanity. Abusers have a tendency to push and push and push until we act hysterical, then they get to claim they're we're the problem and we believe it because at that point we feel insane. Even when we leave it takes a while to realize that there isn't anything wrong with us. Usually the type of people who end up in abusive relationships are the most kind, nurturing and empathetic people, and abusers take advantage of that.

I went on a putting kids first sort of course straight after the split. There was one thing that really helped me and that was making him a zero in terms of my emotions for him. Any reaction was (in the course) put down to holding on to emotion. Now it's not easy especially when the ex has been hideous. I've really worked at this and it's helped me not to hold all the anger for the massive wrongs he's done to me & the kids. It's a sort he's shit, that's his problem and I move on with my day. It didn't happen overnight but I'm so pleased with my progress! I think if I hadn't managed to let go of the feelings the injustice of it all would have caused me great mental damage. I was 40 when it all happened and they really have been the best years of my life. Life is so much better without a narcissistic bully in it!

These stories of positive moving on are what I desperately need to hear at present. By some miracle I managed to go back to work this week after two fairly horrendous weeks back so that’s something, and obviously school starting up again Monday will be positive for our routine. It’s all just a huge thing to deal with it was bad for a very long time but it ended so bombastically and horrendously I just thank god my son was protected from most of it as he spent time with his grandparents and dad. It’s a lot to process. I cling onto little things like how I’ll feel in a month..I would never let him back into my life in any capacity I know that however weak I feel that would just never happen.

I think the name calling is also what runs through my head. Wow I was just called all sorts in particular by the end I was jealous/ insecure/ spiteful/ hated all women (not true in the absolute slightest)/ I was a prick/ twat/ cunt/ had no empathy for my child/ demented/ unstable/ his ex wife was a good woman and put her children first (exactly what I do with my son)/other women had come onto him in six years (lies!)/ I had no personality I borrowed it from other people/ oh and I thought I was “young” because I’m 42 and he was in his 50s. It’s just dumbfounding to me that I tolerated this

The other course I did that really helped (I've done a lot of courses!) was the recovery tool kit with women's aid. That really helped me deal with the fallout of dealing with years of mental and physical abuse.

Apologies for this thread turning into a bit of a stream of consciousness type thing it’s just helping to write the memories and thoughts down as they come. I truly thank all of you for your input ❤️❤️

The only thing that helped me after I went through the same was blocking him on everything, researching narcissism. (And sertraline) I was lucky in that he was so enamoured with the next victim who was 25 years his junior, that he didn't bother with his sons. You need to respectfully tell anyone that has any info on him that you don't wish to know. I stopped stalking him on social media and concentrated on me, my recovery, my sons and managed to get a degree and a new career. He is still the abusive, psychopathic coke addict that he always was. You WILL get through this. 😘

Thank you. I’m on day four of sertraline (I think I had a bad dip yesterday I’ve been told they initially make you feel worse before feeling better) and also have diazepam for more urgent anxiety issues. They have also helped me sleep to a more consistent level thank god. It gives me hope to see strong women getting past these awful men. I hope I will be writing on here in a few months saying the same.

I think it's perfectly natural to be horrified when someone presents a facade that you know is complete bullshit, having seen behind the mask. And the tendency is to want to warn everyone about him, and in some ways not let him get away with it. We want to think there is karma in the world and he will pay for the hurt he has caused.

But you need to try and disengage, it's a sad fact that other people will be caught in his web of bullshit - manipulative, abusive people often cause lots of collateral damage. But there really isn't much you can do about that, and thankfully most people will see him for what he really is eventually, or once they have dealings with him. He will never really understand the hurt he causes, and you will never get the answers or closure you need from him, he's not capable of it. Moving on with your life and cutting him out completely is the only true closure you can give yourself.

You need to conserve your mental energy for you and your son to move forward. Block him on every social media site and keep going with your counselling. Best of luck.

Well done, well done - you're doing brilliantly. Every single thing you're feeling is as normal as normal could be; there's nothing wrong with you at all, you're simply reacting to a traumatising situation in a way that anyone would. Also please remember that you're not a fool for being taken in by him. The whole reason why these fuckers wreak such damage is that they begin by being absolutely charming, kind, funny, really wanting to get to know you etc etc; so by the time the whole thing goes to shit and he shows his true colours, you've already invested in him and been vulnerable around him too. No-one would ever sign up to these pricks if they behaved like their true selves from the start!

For me, I'm 3 years out. Not going to lie, it's been a hard road to recovery and all of the stuff you mention completely resonate around feeling like I'm the worthless one, finding it hard to trust people and so on. But it does get better, especially working through things honestly with a therapist, through resources like Women's Aid, and putting yourself first. Exercise has also been amazing for me just to ground myself back into my body again.

Two more books for you. There are obviously physical parts to your trauma response (anxiety, sleeping, etc) and you might find 'The Body Keeps The Score' by Bessel van de Kolk useful for learning more. 'In The Dream House' by Carmen Maria Machado is also the single best book I've ever read for describing what it feels like to be in an abusive relationship - it might be very triggering right now but I found it so useful to actually read about someone else's experience and how she got through it.

Thanks again everyone, today has been a slightly better day in the respect of feeling slightly calmer and no tears yet. That’s a record as I’ve ended up in bits every single day so far. It’s hard to be as good a mum as I would like in these circumstances, just trying to be consistent for my son, do things with him even though to be honest when he goes to his dads later for the weekend I may just sink into bed and sleep…

[bloke commenting]

I feel for you. Sounds like a horrible place to be.

Best advice is to limit your contact to as close to zero as you can.

You can't fix other people and you can't change what he has done... but you can try to take ahold of the wheel.

You are not the bad person. You are the good person. Keep on reminding yourself of that.

I think it’s adjusting to living alone as well which is hard although I know I would much rather live with my son and I in peace than what I have been enduring. I’m worried he’ll get lonely which is silly as he has lots of friends and is popular at school, he also has friends up at his dads and stepmoms. Part of the reason I also stayed in this crap relationship for so long was I thought I was giving him stepbrothers/ stepsisters I now realise that wasn’t the case at all as when they were here they and their dad monopolised everything. Very confusing mixed up time, I can’t recognise what I became during the relationship, I think about the hysterical crying episodes, also the times where I would take myself off to a local hotel to get away from it all. That is clearly not a normal part of any loving relationship 😞

Google trauma bond OP - that sounds like what you're going through right now.
xxxx

It is horrendous I wouldn’t wish this on anyone constant anxious feeling in my chest, constant worry about the future 😞

It is the worst pain ever. But you will get through it. It’s not a normal heartbreak imo. Keep going.

From a mutual friend I have discovered he is putting things out there on bloody Facebook 😞😞 about holding onto anger or “forgiving” like he is so woe is me saying some people aren’t meant to be. I initially felt furious and wanted to give him a piece of my mind but I understand he is seeking a reaction from me or my mates so I will continue to block ignore and I’ve made it clear I don’t want to hear about anything more that he does as it is completely out of my control anyway

I’ll give him this though he is SO predictable I knew this crap would start happening it was only a matter of time..

I think your doing brilliant. You’ve been through so much . You sound very mature , caring , loving and sensible, and you will get over this .

Thank you so much wildflower x I really overwhelmingly feel foolish at the moment and can’t see me ever trusting another man again to be honest. Maybe I just feel like nice ones don’t exist 😞😞

I cannot understand for the life of me why his ex wife appears on the outskirts to be so supportive of him, I don’t want to waste my time thinking about it but it makes no sense and perhaps confirms my reasoning that their relationship was an unhealthy one for some time and one that I was so right to walk away from. I was also told by a neighbour that he went to her home when he was moving out almost crying saying how much he loved me still, how it wasn’t fair he was given a week to go, everyone can see through this behaviour, it’s like he’s trying to shame or smear me 😞

This is a man in his late 50s spilling personal things on social media and trying to play stuff to his advantage. I know he would have gone to his ex wife’s for assistance to begin with as that’s where his kids are. I just can’t understand why on Earth she would support this as she had her reasons to split with him also clearly 😞😞 I could drive myself around the bend with this but I am getting to the point where I just want to focus on a peaceful new start for my son and I

Sorry just one last thought I’m just so fucking angry that he is being so manipulative. And I need to let the anger go as it’s not healthy for me. But it did just come over me like a huge wave and I want to scream out loud this is MY truth 😣

Ok look but it's fine to be angry; it's good to be angry! Better to find a healthy way to let that anger out rather than bottling it up and letting it eat you alive from the inside. A friend taught me the 'beat the shit out of a cushion with a broom handle' methods for getting anger out, and it's very healing!