Fighting the urge to contact abusive ex partner

[Inamess2022]

I’ve come out of a horrible toxic mess of a relationship recently. I feel mentally destroyed like I’m sitting here trying to work from home, be there for my son, relying on my parents in my early 40s to pick me up and he’s most likely planning a sleazy hook up or perving over Instagram accounts with women half his age on them 😞😞😞how do you fight the urge to email or text and say exactly how they have made you feel? How do I stop ruminating on everything and worrying about who he is going to meet next😞I’m on my third day of taking sertraline and my anxiety seems to be going through the roof 😞

I don’t want him to break me 😞😞I’ve seriously felt in the last two weeks that I am close to having a breakdown. And then I feel so proud that I got away from him because there were points that I never thought I would. He would always reel me back in. I look back at the vile texts he sent me, i was being called a cunt regularly the last few months interspersed with being told he was sorry and he loved me and he didn’t want to lose me. It’s the ultimate headfuck 😞

I literally have cleansed my house of anything to do with him with the help of my family, and even being in my house is an achievement because there were points I didn’t think I could be here again. Now it feels like my son and I are slowly beginning to reclaim our space and his monopolisation of everything has gone forever. He even used to say things like his furniture was “beautiful” and better than mine..

There are some positives already in what you’re posting - you are reclaiming your space, you feel proud. Those positives will keep coming over the next weeks, and they will overtake what you’re feeling now.

Please remember that the medication will make you feel worse before you feel better, that will also be having an effect on how you’re feeling right now.

If you just hang on one day at a time I PROMISE in a few weeks you’ll feel much better x

This is the best thing to read. I know that was hard, I cleared the house of all traces 2 days after the police dragged him out. It was indescribable. My DV worker said I could do the freedom program online, there's a small charge but no waiting list, I haven't started yet, I want to wait until I had the spare time. In my experience, leaving is hard but the hardest part is staying away. Remember you were played. He won't change. Keep moving forward. You can do this!

Thank you x I feel worn down beyond belief and am aware that this thread is coming across as perhaps self centred and self absorbed. I think I My brain is trying to play catch up with the things that I have been through the last few months. He even spat at me in the last week 😞I cannot believe I let someone treat me this way.

Use this thread for whatever you need - we’re here.

A lot of things will hit you now you’re free, it’s like flashbacks almost and as you get further away you’ll question why you put up with it. When you’re in the abusive relationship it’s so hard to know what’s normal and what’s not, to excuse the behaviour somehow - you’re brain will try and process everything now you’re away from it.

Sorry if I missed it but have you contacted Womens Aid?

Be self centered and self absorbed. You are what matters. Your son needs you so you are the center of attention here.
Stay away from him if you can, get an injunction. Don't give him the chance to spit anywhere near you and get away with it. He's not worth the dirt on your shoes.

I feel worn down beyond belief and am aware that this thread is coming across as perhaps self centred and self absorbed

Now is the time to focus on yourself and put your needs first. Abusive partners condition us to believe that prioritising our own needs is selfish and wrong, it's part of how they keep us from seeing their abuse and leaving.

Also try not to think too much about the future. Currently your view of the future is colored with your anxiety. You're taking some positive steps now which is great to hear. Continue focusing on now, taking care of yourself and your son. Things will get better.

That’s exactly what it is just flashbacks and memories of the last two years coming back, and thinking how could I have even begun to think that was in anyway love or part of a normal relationship. It’s like he looked at it as a transactional thing he was emailing my parents as at one point it looked like he wouldn’t even leave my house saying “I’ve supported your grandson for six years im owed things etc etc” isn’t that just what you do?!? I thank god he was never horrible to him . But sadly my son did pick up on tension and did unfortunately hear some raised voices etc. Thankfully he does not seem phased in anyway that he has gone, he has asked some questions but have tried to keep it as normal as possible for him, he has a great relationship and access routine with his bio father so everything in that way remains exactly the same.

It’s all just very hard to come to terms with at the moment and I know it’s early days. One thing I do know is that I will never live with another man again..I can’t even perceive having a relationship again at this stage 😞

Sorry just another stream of thoughts I really believed we had this intense passionate loving connection after coming out of a dead marriage/ long relationship with my uni boyfriend (dad to my lovely son) now I think about how much he would hassle me for intimacy, he’d say stuff like if I went to bed earlier “oh can I wake you up in a few hours” like he was entitled and I just went along with it..it was never non consensual but even stuff like that makes me feel sick now..he would also moan if I was on a period etc. Oh god it’s just so bloody bloody awful 😣

I’ve been told he’s on Facebook putting up all his wonderful new pictures and being a sad old man on Instagram following sleazy tattooed models at least 40 years younger than him. I just can’t get over the fact this abusive toxic vile creature was in my life for so long and I allowed myself to be fooled 😞😞😞

Read up about trauma bonding

visit the out of the fog website

these will help
if you accept your current emotions and urges are normal due to abuse you endured - and you must - then you will be able to understand and treat your addiction to this man

take each day as it comes

If you can can channel that anger into acceptance of your history then you will start to demystify and expose him for who he is.
blaming yourself for what someone else did to you will only ensure you continue to self sabotage and divert your energies away from yourself.

Even though it feels raw just now and you feel jealous, honestly it won't be long before revulsion sets in and "relief" will dominate your feelings, which will enable you to move move on with your son.

I know it's not for everyone, but counselling really helped me come to terms with domestic abuse and just generally unscramble it all in my head.

“Read up about trauma bonding

visit the out of the fog website

these will help
if you accept your current emotions and urges are normal due to abuse you endured - and you must - then you will be able to understand and treat your addiction to this man

take each day as it comes”

This with bells on. You’re traumatised and having a traumatised reaction. Your feelings - painful as they are - are completely normal and even healthy.

As PP have said, this is your mind beginning to process what you’ve been through in a way which just wasn’t possible while you were living through the abuse. It’s extremely painful but bit by bit you will start to get better. Future you will be SO pleased and proud of you for getting away.

As to the fact that he works for a charity - it is not at all unusual for abusers to cultivate a very respectable public face. Don’t get hung up on that.

Well done, OP. You don’t feel it now but you’re an extremely strong and brave woman. Your son is very lucky to have you as his mum. One step at a time. You will get through this.

Thank you everyone so much x I’ve certainly been put through it the last few weeks. He was absolutely vile to myself and my family , some of the things he has said have been shocking to say the least. I wish I had contacted the police sooner about him. I wish I could warn all the women in the world about him..but I know that is silly thinking. I thank god he never went on my tenancy, I thank god in the end he just left. The worst thing was he made his two teenagers implicit in his behaviour by getting them involved in making my house as mess as they were “packing”. I don’t usually wish bad upon anyone but there is a small part of me that hopes his girls come across a man like this when they are older to experience the sheer pain and upset I am going through now. Then they would realise their Dad isn’t this fantastic liberal man 😞

That’s what gets me the most this image being portrayed that I know is so far from the true picture..I started counselling a few weeks ago (in fact he wanted me to start counselling months ago so I could “change” parts of my behaviour 🙄) I wasn’t doing it for that reason, I was doing it as I knew I was in a toxic unhealthy dynamic and I needed an hour to let it all out in a safe space. She returns from leave next week so we Will resume and it’s badly needed and I hope will bring me some clarity. I will definitely look at those websites thank you again for all your support and I can use this thread as an outlet that also really helps.

Sorry more thoughts..this is a man that made me feel constantly abnormal as even though I made efforts with his children, made them feel welcome and at home I was weird as I didn’t “embrace and love them like my own son” and if I wanted space after spending the day with them i was “socially awkward/ jealous of them/ insecure” I bloody hate the way he has made me feel I am desperate for this part to stop 😞

@Inamess2022 - if you haven’t done so, you might find it interesting to read “In the Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser: How He Gets into Her Head” and/or Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. You will see that it is very normal to continue to hear the abuser’s poisonous voice for a while as you are recovering from the relationship. And you will be able to continue your work with your therapist when they return.

Thank you for all the book recommendations I have just downloaded them. Everyday I wake up with an anxious sick feeling in my throat, I’m hoping with time this will go. I’m so stupidly scared of feeling “lonely” when my son is at his dads etc, I have some lovely supportive friends but obviously don’t want to impose on them all the time. I feel like I’ve let my son down massively by embroiling him in this supposed blended family and a toxic fall out. But generally he is well, in fact he hasn’t mentioned any of them at all…my ex kept his kids away from us for four months as he started a massive row with me in front of his son in April, I asked them to leave the house as his son was crying and shaking to calm him down and go back to his mums..since then he blamed me for not being able to bring his kids back to the house. God he was so bloody horrible 😞😞😞

You haven’t let your son down, OP. On the contrary, you’ve got away from this man. Focus on your recovery now. As regards loneliness when your son is with his dad, fill your time with activities that you enjoy - perhaps take up a new hobby. You’re recovering from a seriously traumatic set of experiences. Be gentle with yourself.

I second those book recommendations. Reading about abuse really helped me to make sense of things and organise my tangled up thoughts.

I can relate to how horribly frustrating it is to know your abuser is out there still fooling people, and we have to carry this heavy burden of being perhaps the only person to have seen behind the mask. We wish everyone could see what we've seen, so we don't have to feel alone with it, so others could truly understand. That's why it's important to let it out somehow, to us, to your counsellor. You don't have to carry all of this alone.

This thread is a real lifeline to me, I have lovely parents and friends but sometimes I feel concerned that I am burdening them too much so to have an online outlet to write the overwhelming thoughts down is truly cathartic and helpful. There are some lovely wonderful women on this website and I am just so sorry that so many of us have had similar experiences. Healing is a process and I am very keen to take a lot of time out to get better, i think I was used to living in a state of heightened tension and anxiety , almost like I was out of myself like a strange out of body experience. I remember screaming at him back and almost acting hysterical and it was like I didn’t recognise who I became. They make you feel like you’re going mad..people have said that they felt like he was very goady towards me and that was a huge trigger. I had feelings about being part of a “blended family” that were sometimes difficult and complex but not in my mind abnormal but it was so twisted as if I was the difficult one in the dynamic 😞

I think what else has shocked me and I’m really sorry if this is triggering to anyone is the photos I took after each incident. So I found ones with me looking so distressed, marks and bruises on me varying in size from large to small, mascara all down my face looking like a wreck basically. And then the next few days after there would be photos of me taking my son to the park or out for the day. And I remember the painful arm I had that I covered up with a long jumper. And the necklaces i wore to cover a mark on my neck at work. It’s like I disconnected from it when it was happening and now it’s all there in painful reality.