Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fighting the urge to contact abusive ex partner

155 replies

Inamess2022 · 01/09/2022 11:57

I’ve come out of a horrible toxic mess of a relationship recently. I feel mentally destroyed like I’m sitting here trying to work from home, be there for my son, relying on my parents in my early 40s to pick me up and he’s most likely planning a sleazy hook up or perving over Instagram accounts with women half his age on them 😞😞😞how do you fight the urge to email or text and say exactly how they have made you feel? How do I stop ruminating on everything and worrying about who he is going to meet next😞I’m on my third day of taking sertraline and my anxiety seems to be going through the roof 😞

OP posts:
YoSofi · 04/09/2022 13:35

You need to block him.

No contact, ever. Imagine you go back to him - what will your life look like six months from now? Be honest.

He has not “won” anything. He is a very damaged individual, he is an abuser. He will not ever change and I doubt he will ever be happy.

Forget him, forget future men, focus on today. The focus should be firmly on you. It matters not what he is doing. This is a trauma bond, it is not love, your body is craving the “high” right now. It is an addition, and you are withdrawing. It’s ugly and painful and feels like it will never end but it will.

There is a happier life on the other side, but you need to stop all contact - every little bit is feeding the habit.

Block him.

Whiskeypowers · 04/09/2022 13:46

For your son’s sake and your sanity you really do need to block him and delete his number email etc

he will be really enjoying torturing you

livinginsoup · 04/09/2022 15:29

Here's the thing - you are going to have bad days; you just are. But they'll pass. It doesn't mean you're going backwards, just that you're feeling really understandably shitty right now after a bad situation. It will get better.

Block his messages - his life is his problem. Go for a walk if you can, or kick a dustbin, or yell into a bag. The only thing you need to focus on is you and your kid. (and please do try and catch your thoughts if they start spiralling, it's really understandable that your brain wants to latch onto the bad things as they're so familiar). Massive hugs.

Dery · 04/09/2022 16:05

Do you think it could be helpful to pre-plan what you will do instead of contacting him? Or write down your thoughts in a Word document so that they’re out of you but not being sent to this guy? He will not give you the peace you crave. You can only get that from yourself.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 04/09/2022 16:15

I think I’m dealing with a huge amount of what I can only describe at trauma all at once. I’m so glad I have counselling in place as I don’t think I would be able to process it all otherwise. I got used to living in this state of heightened anxiety, massive highs and lows, promises all would be better, being told I was abnormal for having complex feelings about being part of a blended family..then the physical stuff which I tried to block. I remember being shoved, pushed, bruised, had him get in my face, kicking stuff the next day it would be “normal” again, my son would come back from his dads, I’d block and hide stuff up. He’d be all normal and loving around my son, I’d think he was a good man he’d just had a troubled life, I should be more understanding. It’s so so messed up. And sometimes I feel like my head can’t cope with it. He moved out, he left my house in a state and yet here I am feeling guilty that he is “homeless” I can’t even begin to understand myself.

OP posts:
Dery · 04/09/2022 17:57

Yes, you are dealing with a huge amount of trauma and I think the conflicting and conflicted feelings are normal. What you’ve been through is devastating. You probably have an element of PTSD. It’s great that you’re having therapy so that you can start processing what has happened and start taking steps towards recovery.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 04/09/2022 19:53

Just wanted to say a huge thank you for everyone that has contributed to this thread with such lovely insightful advice, it is a real lifeline to me. And for anyone who has said I am brave or strong I really really thank you because I can’t really see that in myself at the moment but hopefully it will come!

OP posts:
AceSpades54321 · 04/09/2022 20:00

See image..

Fighting the urge to contact abusive ex partner
YoSofi · 04/09/2022 20:01

It will come. It definitely will come.

Did you look up trauma bonding? YouTube has some excellent videos that may help.

I think the problem we have is we try to understand why they behave like they do. We want reasons, but there aren’t any other than they are not normal, decent people. It’s like trying to understand why someone harms children, or animals, or commits murder. You will never understand it; you’re a decent person and you can’t relate to that shit. You could tie yourself up in knots trying to work out WHY someone does something awful, but you’ll never understand it because you’re not built that way. You have to just find your own closure, accept that’s who he is and walk away from the hurt and pain that he causes you.

Remember what you’re feeling right now is normal. There’s nothing wrong with you

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 04/09/2022 20:20

I’m worried about feeling lonely at times that’s for sure but it’s preferable to sit In a calm peaceful house than to walk on eggshells or feel so wound up and tense.

OP posts:
Wildflowerbeauty · 05/09/2022 07:11

I understand your fear of loneliness but as time passes , you will soon get used to living on your own with your child , in a routine, big bed to yourself, telly to yourself find new hobbies etc and in time you ll meet new friends and a new partner .

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 05/09/2022 09:38

Struggling so much. Woke up this morning and just thought I should have stayed with him even though deep in my heart I know that would be completely the wrong decision and thing to do. Looking forward to seeing my son later at pick up for his first day as it was his dads weekend so he dropped him..I just can’t see anything getting any better..this new life was supposed to be better and calmer and stuff and I just feel flat, empty, sad and depressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 05/09/2022 09:43

It’s like everyday there is this ball of anxiety in my throat. I’m now on day 6 of sertraline so realise I have to give them chance to kick in properly and work through this stage, I need to be there for my son properly, I need to not crumble completely 😞

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/09/2022 09:45

Yes, that's step 1, OP. It feels rubbish and confusing to start with. It's not that you skip happily away from an abusive relationship into a perfect life. The reason you stayed was because there were things you liked and loved about the relationship.

Keep in mind that many people who have been in a similar position to you have felt similar to the way you feel. There's nothing unusual or wrong or odd. Just like when you bang your head or cut yourself, it hurts for a while afterwards. You are wounded. Treat yourself as you would treat any wounded person: extra care, extra gentleness, extra forgiveness. You will heal, and it's frustrating that it's not immediate, but that doesn't mean it's not happening.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 05/09/2022 09:51

I miss the man who was nice to me and who seemed to adore/love me at the beginning and then I remember in particular the last six months and incidents years before that and it just upsets me so much 😢I feel conned, I feel like I won’t be able to trust anyone again 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 05/09/2022 10:11

I can’t understand it as we still had intimacy even but even that felt wrong by the end because of the horrible stuff that was being said and the terrible rows 😞😞 Christ I just want to feel normal again whatever that is, this is taking my focus off work everything

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/09/2022 10:34

Go easy on yourself. The whole reason we stay in abusive relationships is because we don't go easy on ourselves. We find fault in what we do, how we think, how supportive we are, instead of feeling that we are fine as we are, and the other person has messed up.

Learning to feel fine as you are now isn't just about you feeling fine with the break up/without him. It's about you feeling fine to be you. It's years of conditioning you're starting to overcome here: it's HARD. It's meant to be hard, and it's meant to hurt. You're undoing all the training you received throughout your childhood and your subsequent adult years until now. The fact that you feel confused and you can't understand is GOOD. It shows that you can see both sides, and that they conflict. Your goal isn't to understand how he's treated you, though. Your goal is to not care why he's done what he's done. No more puzzling or trying to work out his mind. He is not understandable to you because you are not abusive. You will never understand his mindset, any more than you could understand Hitler's. But you can accept that sometimes, for his own reasons, he was nice, and sometimes, for his own reasons, he was not, and that's all you need to know. Your task, in trusting people again, is not to figure out people who make you feel confused like this, it's to avoid them.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 05/09/2022 15:33

Today has been awful. I’ve had emails to my work email saying how destroyed he is. How humiliated he is as a man in his 50s, how he is crying constantly. How his kids are confused and distraught, and once again how I’ve made him homeless. Because I’m a caring person I am now worried for him which is I’m aware one of his tactics. He’s even said stuff like he feels like dying 😞😞I don’t know how anyone is ever going to move on from this 😞😞this is without doubt the hardest thing even harder than divorcing my ex in comparison that was easy 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 05/09/2022 15:42

I’m starting to think I’ve made a huge mistake 😞😞😞 I didn’t do this to meet another man, My head is just in a complete mess, I miss the person he was at the start so much 😞 I hate myself for feeling like this it’s like I’ll never be able to move on from it

OP posts:
YoSofi · 05/09/2022 15:45

Just block him!

He is manipulating you, he knows what to say to get his own way.

Was he crying when he spat in your face?
Was he crying when he did all those awful things to you?

He has an agenda, he does not care about you.

Watchkeys · 05/09/2022 16:14

Try to make me homeless. Go on. Give it your best shot.

Try to make your brother homeless. Your colleague. Your friend.

You'll find you don't have any power to make people homeless.

Try to make me want to die. Try to make anybody want to die. You'll find you don't have any power to do that.

If you made my kids distraught, do you think I'd be talking to you about it? Or just warning my kids of the dangers of you and keeping our distance from you?

His kids, his living circumstances, his mental health, they're all his responsibility. He's an adult. If things aren't making him happy, he needs to change them so that he feels better.

Why do you think he's the only adult who isn't responsible for his own wellbeing, and why are you the one who is responsible for him?

Leave him to his whinging. Let him send you 100 messages a day about how you've ruined his life, and see each one as further evidence that he doesn't have his shit together, and recognise that that's his issue, not yours. Also recognise that if you don't like his input into your life, that's your responsibility, and you're not taking it. Any fool can send us a million messages about anything they want. It's up to us to block them if we don't like it.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 05/09/2022 16:16

Thank you these messages are what I need to hear. It’s a bad day today that’s for sure

OP posts:
YoSofi · 05/09/2022 16:18

That’s ok, bad days are to be expected.

You can’t go back, he will destroy you.

Read what @Watchkeys has posted, over and over again.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 05/09/2022 16:19

I cannot see the wood from the trees, I’m functioning in the respect of doing school run, making sure my son is fine, going to work but that is really hard as we are going into a really busy period and I don’t feel up to it at all. Part of me wants to go and get signed off but I don’t think that will do me any good either. This relationship has really screwed me up 😞😞

OP posts:
YoSofi · 05/09/2022 17:21

But you’re functioning. You said it yourself.

Your son is being cared for, you’re getting up every day and you’re going to work. That’s massive given how you’re feeling right now.

This is the worst part, this is as bad as it will get, and you’re functioning.

You’re surviving, and before long you’ll be living again. Keep hold of that. One step at a time, as long as those steps are forwards and not backwards you will get there.