Fighting the urge to contact abusive ex partner

[Inamess2022]

I’ve come out of a horrible toxic mess of a relationship recently. I feel mentally destroyed like I’m sitting here trying to work from home, be there for my son, relying on my parents in my early 40s to pick me up and he’s most likely planning a sleazy hook up or perving over Instagram accounts with women half his age on them 😞😞😞how do you fight the urge to email or text and say exactly how they have made you feel? How do I stop ruminating on everything and worrying about who he is going to meet next😞I’m on my third day of taking sertraline and my anxiety seems to be going through the roof 😞

Mine tried the messaging my friends tactic telling them how much of a shit person I am, they're not stupid and saw straight through his attempt to isolate me further.
Hope you're doing ok OP, its tough but it will be worth it in the end

Well I stupidly entered into an email debate with him tonight as I felt angry. It confirms to me that I have made entirely the correct decisions but I feel disappointed with myself that my anger took over when I was doing so well with no contact. Back to the drawing board day one of NC begins again tomorrow as has the reblocking. Feeling like a stupid out of control idiot that has played into his hands

@Inamess2022 don't feel bad it's normal. I really want to do the same I want to contact him just to tell him how I feel and let all my anger out but I know it won't change anything at all. Men like this never admit when they are wrong and it's disgraceful. Don't know how they sleep at night because I certainly can't, I just can't switch off

@Inamess2022 at least it was via email and not face to face. It's so hard to keep cool when they portray themselves as the victim!

Did he suggest getting back together? Or was he just blaming you for everything?

Don't beat yourself up about it. Night-time can be especially tough, there's less distractions and it's just you and your thoughts. It's so difficult to hold on to so much anger, it's normal to want to confront the cause of it.
As @livinginsoup said it's good to be angry. Let yourself feel that feeling, but try to find a healthy way of dealing with it.

Well done for telling your friends you don't want to hear about him. I had to have the same conversation with my friends because it was triggering me every time. The longer I went without hearing about him, it felt like I was finally breathing clean air.

How are you feeling this morning?

I’m feeling confused, angry, let down..but also more hope is creeping in that life will be better eventually. I realise how many lovely people are around and how many opportunities I will have to meet more of those lovely supportive friends once I start feeling more healed.

I’m disappointed in myself that I retaliated but I realise relapses happen, I won’t ever let him draw me back in..I mourn the person I thought he was, I mourn the love I had for him that started out so positive..but I know it wasn’t and isn’t a healthy love or good for me in anyway. I want to spend a lot of time working on myself and just being free with my son and not even think about relationships or dating or any of those things. I’m too vulnerable and my bullshit radar seems to never work and I just can’t meet another idiot it would mentally cripple me.

You're bound to be feeling a whole bundle of emotions for a while, I'm glad to hear that hope is one of them.

Indeed relapses do happen, and there is some positive in that they serve to remind us why we're removing this toxic thing from our lives. It's a corny platitude to say every day is a new beginning but it's true, and that's a mentality I find helpful when I feel like I've messed up.

I loved him so much and so intensely at the beginning but now I realise that in itself was a warning sign 😞😞 I really think that I put him on a massive pedestal and now that I’m out a lot of reality is hitting me all at once.

I felt sad talking to a friend last night as I said I just want to meet someone who is nice to me consistently, yes i know arguments happen in every relationship but I also know that they don’t have to be volatile or physical 😞. I seem to attract these domineering types, maybe I’m just sad because I’m in my forties and am staring to think that real love doesn’t exist. I’m a divorcee , now I’ve come out of an abusive relationship, it wears you down and you become cynical.

Yeah I get that. I used to think "I literally just want someone who's nice to me, and who treats me with respect, is that really so much to ask for?"

There's a reason people talk so much about boundaries regarding relationships. Boundaries are very important, they define the whole relationship. The first person I met after I left my abusive ex treated me like shit. It was the same pattern. Intensely amazing at first, but after a couple of months he started to be disrespectful. Due to old habits I let a few things slide, but then I had a sort of eureka moment when I realised the pattern was repeating, and I ended things. I ended things MUCH sooner than I would have in the past, and I was so proud of myself for that. I used to have the worst boundaries, I really let people walk all over me. If I could learn to walk away at the first signs of disrespect, I truly believe anyone can. Doing the freedom programme and reading literature about abusive relationships will equip you with the tools to do this too.

I'm single currently, partly because I'm focusing on furthering my education but also because I simply enjoy being single (another massive 180 for me as I used to be someone who was so desperate to be loved). However I have met some nice guys since, who were nice to me and treated me with respect, who even handled conflict in a rational, respectful manner. Those guys do exist.

The best way to meet a nice guy is to learn to walk away from the bad ones, which you've already proved you're capable of. Obviously meeting someone isn't an immediate priority for you, but there's no reason you can't find love in the future.

I don’t know where to put the anger now. I’m having to hold myself back from emailing him again and go off. And all it is is hurting myself

I feel so dreadfully screwed up, on anti depressants anti anxiety and therapy, whilst I see him seemingly moving on.

Abusive partners always move on quickly. Their trick is they don't really move on. They stay stuck in the same place and repeat the same situation. They don't take time to be by themselves (they're incapable of this), they don't self reflect or work on themselves. You're the one who's really moving on, because moving on is hard and it takes work.

The harsh thing about abuse is that we feel the symptoms of their disease. It's cruel and unfair, and it's hard to accept, but accepting this is necessary to heal those symptoms.

As for dealing with the anger, I find it helps to do some physical activity. Even just taking a walk and getting a change of scenery helps my mood. I'd also recommend writing down your feelings. Maybe every time you feel the urge to email him, write it down in a word document instead.

I miss the good parts of him today and it really really sucks 😢😢😢 I just want my son to go back to school, me too go back to work properly and life to get back on an even keel.

Hitting a massive wall today. Don’t even want to get out of bed or anything. I’ve had more emails saying how he is now homeless and I have broken him. Why do I feel guilty. Why do I feel so bloody guilty.

I just feel completely flat. Like I made this decision to have a “better” life and nothing about it feels better or good, it feels like it’s going to be lonely, financially harder, stressful.

Did he email you or was it from a friend?

I know it's hard not to but it's not on you to feel guilty. He's responsible for his own life and his own actions.

Things will get better. I promise. The transition period can be harrowing but it will be worth it, and it will get easier.

It’s already better
you just can’t see it quite yet.

okease don’t reply to his emails he is trying to suck you back in.
you’ve come so far by ending this and that in itself is a huge achievement. It will take time for the dust to settle.

the big mistake - and I use the word in an entirely non judgmental context - women make at this stage is to expect that by leaving the expected end state is automatically achieved. It is not. It is just the beginning. Leaving abusive men requires a whole re wiring of your brain, an unravelling of and healing from you experiences and a re framing of both your values and boundaries but also expectations.

When you feel overwhelmed try to remind yourself that Rome wasn’t built in a day. You will get there but it will take a long time. It’s taken me the best part of 6 years.

Just think of all the horrible names he’s called you to your face (and probably still is).
The physical and mental abuse he threw at you! If that was was a dog being treated like that they would be rescued and placed in a safe environment!
We are telling you this as a way of rescuing you from the clutches of a horrid man! You and your son also deserve to be kept safe!
Do not engage with this bully.

I’m worried about myself now as I’ve just emailed him a load of angry stuff and that isn’t right 😞😞😞 it’s like my brain isn’t working properly at all I’m desperate to start again but I can’t let it go

Feeling like such an idiot, and then I read the forums about online dating and get myself in a right state thinking that all I’m going to do is meet a succession of further idiots and this is my life from here on in lonely and miserable 😞😞😞 really really struggling

I can’t see my life getting any better from this , I’m taking anti depressants and anti anxiety meds, I’m trying to function so much for my son, my job, I have friend and family and I am just really struggling with my own thoughts so badly.

I didn’t want to let him win and it feels like he has even though he is “homeless”