Fighting the urge to contact abusive ex partner

[Inamess2022]

I’ve come out of a horrible toxic mess of a relationship recently. I feel mentally destroyed like I’m sitting here trying to work from home, be there for my son, relying on my parents in my early 40s to pick me up and he’s most likely planning a sleazy hook up or perving over Instagram accounts with women half his age on them 😞😞😞how do you fight the urge to email or text and say exactly how they have made you feel? How do I stop ruminating on everything and worrying about who he is going to meet next😞I’m on my third day of taking sertraline and my anxiety seems to be going through the roof 😞

Yes that right , one step at a time . You are your rock bottom. This is as bad as it gets . The only way is upwards . I suggest you seriously need to start writing down all the reasons why you split , what he was like at the end . All the nasty things he said . All the mean ways he treat you , write them all down and when you are feeling regret , or love for him , get out that list and read it . If you don’t write a list now , you’ll forget the detail and the bad and you’ll only remember the good .

I am truly at rock bottom now I’ve just emailed work to say I won’t be in for the next few days I just can’t face it, just want to do the school run and come back to bed for a few hours each day. I feel absolutely shattered and drained.

If that’s what you need to do then that’s ok . Try not to make a habit of skipping work tho . Try n focus on routine, for you as well as son. Shopping, ironing, bath, reading, bedtime etc all in a routine. Drink lots and lots of water do you don’t dehydrate and feel worse for it . Stay off alcohol till maybe one night of the weekend . Basically , what I’m trying to say is focus on self care . Also , when you think of some things to do with him , say to yourself , I ll address that in my mind later , think of a time in the day or the next day you will address it so you can focus on other stuff you are doing . Train you brain to think of other stuff .

I’ve been through a really difficult break up and I did exactly all of this . Wrote a list etc etc I felt physically sick for months day n night . Never thought it would ever get any better . But it does and after about (being honest with you ) 2 year , I was completely over him . No feelings whatsoever for him . No hurt no anger, no love but omg did I feel proud of myself for getting through it . And so can you . Or , you could go back , hope it works , which it won’t and be in a worse position in the future and you’ll of wasted more of your life on him . Really ?

Been signed off work for a week. Just don’t feel up to it, am functioning enough to do school run etc, but I just can’t focus I’m so tired all of the time. I just want to do school run and go back to bed and cry. I’m really starting to worry for myself now, to the point where I just think this was completely the wrong thing to do as I’m not coping at all. And this is with a counsellor, anti d and anti anxiety pills. I’m a mess 😞

The thing about 'coping' is that it doesn't mean 'feeling great about everything'. It means finding a way to get through, despite the fact that things are really, really hard. I mean this kindly, but anybody who'd been through what you've been through would be feeling just as shit as you do right now. You're not supposed to feel good about walking away from an impossible, manipulative relationship with someone who blames you for everything that goes wrong for him, and who deliberately makes you feel bad for doing things for yourself. It's much easier to walk away from a relationship where both partners agree that the best thing for both of them is to split up, and so, in a way, the worse you feel, the more it proves that you needed to leave, because the worse you feel, the unhealthier the bond is between you and him.

I think you're coping great. You're doing what's absolutely necessary, and paring back all the rest, and that's exactly how to do it right. Crying and feeling like everything is wrong isn't 'not coping', it's the first and most painful step towards feeling better. It's definitely a mountain to climb, and you're right at basecamp. It looks like an impossible task but you'll do it if you stick at it and do a little bit at a time.

Have you blocked him? Your progress up the mountain will be considerably slower with him hanging on your coat tails, and do you really need to hear again how badly he thinks you've screwed him up? That's just one man's opinion, after all, and you already know it. He's not going to add anything nice to it, is he, because he's not nice.

You need to give the anti depressants time to work.

Rest this week, eat little and often and accept how you’re feeling right now.

Leaving an abuser is NEVER the wrong decision.

If you go back to him, what will your life look like this time next year? Tell me.

I think my life would just be the same, a few good days interspersed with many bad, more rows about his “coparenting” and how he wants everything his way, more disagreements, probably a lot more volatility all with the added extra of everyone in his family blaming me for “kicking him out”. I think I’m just hitting the lowest ebb now, I know sertraline make you feel worse before better so I’ll ploughing away but it’s hard so bloody hard. So sorry for sounding woe is me. Really hoping I don’t lose my job over this mess on top of everything else 😞

Also feeling like the worst mum ever as am having to put on a front but he knows I’m sad..he’s very Intuitive and sensitive and I want to be more present for him and enjoy stuff with him again but at the moment it feels like I can just about manage school run and the functional stuff.

The scary thing for me is this was supposed to be the “better” choice. And it doesn’t feel better at all at this point in time. All of the things that I should feel like doing, like seeing mates and doing things with my son I don’t. I just feel like hiding in my bed and not leaving the house for weeks. I can’t even be bothered to do small talk at school gates etc.

But that’s normal.

Its early days, you are completely normal for feeling as you do right now. What you mustn’t do is return.

You will feel slightly better when the sertraline starts to work. Tell your son that you’re feeling a bit poorly right now but you’ll be ok. Slowly you will start to improve, see your friends, do things you enjoy and build a life for yourself, it is coming but you need to go through these awful first few weeks first.

Think about how he feels when you're being constantly got at, then. If all you can do is the bare minimum right now, that's great; he'll be reassured that even when you're really sad, you can still provide what he needs. That's good parenting!

You seem hell bent on viewing yourself through shit coloured glasses. There's no need to view yourself at all. Stop judging. Do what you need to do, feel what you need to feel, and take no actions that will spoil your future. Things are going to feel shit for a bit, but that doesn't mean you've made the wrong decision. You haven't. You've made the right decision. Grit your teeth, do only what you need to, and rest when you can. Cry, lots. That's fine.

It will start to feel better, but first you have to do the tedious process: 1) feel shit, 2) wonder how long feeling shit will last, 3) get really pissed off about feeling shit, 4) find the energy to do stuff that makes you feel gradually less and less shit, 5) realise you've not felt shit for ages. It's a long process. It isn't fun. Nurture yourself.

You’ve had amazing advice and support from @Wildflowerbeauty , @Watchkeysand @YoSofi OP. Please keep reading it.

What you’re going through right now is extremely painful - you’re having all the feelings that you buried when you were with this guy in order to survive. You’ve been through a very extended trauma - a crime victim living at the scene of the crime with the criminal - and your reaction is that of someone who has been very deeply traumatised. DV survivors have been subjected to incredible trauma. So be kind to yourself. You need time to recover before you can feel the joy of your freedom.

What you say about your son seeing you being sad - it makes me think that you’ve learnt in life that you’re not allowed to have feelings and that it is your job to always smile, be polite and make other people comfortable. But that’s not the case. It’s helpful for children to see their parents experiencing sad feelings as well as happy feelings. All these feelings are part of life and by seeing you being sad and being kind to and looking after yourself, your son will be learning really valuable lessons about managing painful emotions. He will also be learning about the importance of leaving damaging relationships. These are incredibly valuable lessons that you’re giving to your son.

This man - your abuser - is now trying to lure you back in. He’s lovebombing you now and preying on your good nature. But he will be fine and you know that the relationship will destroy you if you go back.
And he will be fine. Abusers look after themselves - that’s what he’s doing and will continue to do. You know this is a man who will do you great harm if you return and, in doing so, will also do great harm to your son because it is very harmful for children to see a parent being abused.

This is the very hardest stage. Block him where you can so he can’t manipulate you. You will get through this. Your future self will thank you for staying the course. Be as gentle with yourself as possible and keep putting one foot ahead of the other and you will start to feel better.

Honestly I feel so depressed. Trying to watch money but ordered takeaway for us as dont even have the energy to cook. Whilst my son was at school I slept for two and a half hours. I just have no idea what’s going on with me anymore I don’t feel good at all 😞Sorry for sounding melodramatic I’m just so damm tired and worn out, even my body feels absolutely drained.

The way I feel at the moment it would be so easy to ask for him to come back which I know would be the completely wrong decision and something I don’t want to do..I just wish so much things had been different..this is far more painful than splitting up with my ex husband and I had been with him for 16 years. That felt hard but for different reasons more practical and logistical. This is sheer emotional bloody torture

You're in the emotion equivalent of the gym. It's really hard, everything is really really heavy, and you'd rather just be back in your comfort zone, even though you know it's bad for you.

You're getting stronger though. You will work, and ache (emotionally), and you will get stronger. Strength doesn't come unless you work at it. Respect yourself. Respect that you are working hard, and maintaining a position that's really taxing for you. Respect your need for support and kindness, and be supportive and kind to yourself. Respect your need for rest. Respect your need to cry. Everything that you are doing is showing self respect. It's not always easy, but it's always worth it.

Been signed off work for two weeks 😞😞😞and now that’s worrying me as I’m scared I could lose my job but as they have been sympathetic so far I’m praying it will be ok. I’m just so tired. A friend took my son into school today and I went back to bed at 9 and only just woke up. I don’t think this is a normal reaction at all.

I met up with him last night for closure we both cried and sobbed and talked about how awful it all got. I’m a mess now. I’m so weak. I am letting down everyone around me. I’ve been signed off for weeks. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t feel like a good mum, I can’t even work at the moment it’s like I’m in proper crisis mode.

I’m so unhappy. And trying to hold it together for my son so much. Worried I will become reliant on diazapam, worried I will now lose my job because of being signed off, worried about absolutely everything. I feel like I’m going off the rails 😞

And also been having dark thoughts like my son would be better off without having such a failure of a mum. I realise that my problems were not just related to my ex 😞😞I just want this pain to stop I feel like hiding away even school run is an effort

Bumping this thread for any further thoughts. It’s been really really bloody hard. Questioning myself all the time…

I cannot understand why I feel so guilty about “kicking him out” he is choosing a really difficult path now rather than private renting he is between places in the hopes it will secure him social housing..I cannot get why I feel somehow it’s my fault 😞

It was a mistake to resume any sort of contact. I am seriously seeing him as a narcissist now he has sent me some very emotionally difficult and hard emails 😞😞he says he “isn’t coping”

Hi OP.

Im sorry to hear your struggling. Please don’t forget that the tablets getting into your system will also be affecting your mood.

I mean this kindly, but why haven’t you blocked him? Every time you hear from him, every time you wait to hear from him or check your inbox you are feeding into the trauma bond again. You need to block him in order to heal, he is not your responsibility.

I suppose it’s a type of guilt and care steal which I know sounds really twisted I know when I blocked him it was hard but better, I have done it again today 😞He has just made me feel like I’ve kicked him out on the streets or something but he’s a grown man, he has choices.