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Original poster

Bl0ody ghosted :-(

356 replies

Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 13:04

Can’t quite believe I’m writing this. But met a man (43) on OLD a month ago. Instant chemistry, lots of flirting, took me out for my birthday and said all the right things. He called throughout the week and was actively pursuing me and making arrangements.

Niggly feelings were telling me that he was rather bitter about a ‘witch’ of an ex wife amongst other things so I was cautiously optimistic and not getting too excited. He was highly attractive if not a little ‘wounded’. Ex forces if that’s relevant.

We spent the weekend together last week - him driving an hour to my place. He insisted I head to his in the evening so he could cook. He did. I left first thing in the morning and….

I’ve not heard from him since.

Total crickets.

I’m a big girl in my thirties and haven’t and will definitely not be reaching out. But frankly I feel sick that a 43-year-old man could pull this. Ok after a couple of dates (even though that’s not great) but after having a level of intimacy? I’m shell shocked, even despite my reservations about the bloke.

I know it’s not me it’s him yada yada yada but honestly I feel sick and shaken by this. I know in my gut I won’t hear from him again. And by this stage I don’t want to.

Can anyone help me feel remotely ok again about this? Need some viper treatment.

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 31/08/2022 20:42

IrishladyNE · 31/08/2022 20:34

Some people on here are clearly stuck with their misogynistic man they’ve pandered to for years and have absolutely no idea what it’s like now. If he ever does contact again tell him to piss off and ignore these backward comments. He may have lost his phone, he could be dead in a ditch. Nope, he’s none of things. Unfortunately, men like this love online dating.

How about (hold your breath here) he’s not that into her? It happens. He may be also evaluating if he wants a relationship with her or not.

I don’t think the patriarchy is relevant here.

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 20:42

@ticktickticktickBOOM a polite 'no thank you'. I am no longer interested in seeing him again. His silence combined with the EW comments have cemented that for me. I'm just looking for ways to deal with the blip.

OP posts:
SunnyD44 · 31/08/2022 20:48

I am very invested.
I just can’t believe a grown women acts like this.
I don’t mean that in a nasty way it’s just really peculiar.

I acted like you when I was a teenager but now I’m apparently the same age as you I’d never act like you.

What I don’t understand though is you’ve made a thread about it - so you’re obviously upset or annoyed about it. Which is fair enough.

Yet you’re playing daft games and refusing to text first. Which doesn’t make sense if you’re upset.

In the kindest way he obviously wants to be with someone who isn’t going to play these games and is more mature.

Maybe you’re not ready for actual dating or a relationship and should just stick to ONS which are much less hassle and you don’t have to worry about texting them afterwards.

Can I ask when you go on dates do you always expect a man to pay?

IrishladyNE · 31/08/2022 20:50

Hey fine, he not into her. No problem. Drop her a line and tell her that. Is that so hard, actually yeah it is so hard for people that do it over and over. There are not consequences, you don’t have friends in common so why bother with common decency? Oh yeah because he’s a complete twat at the heart of him that’s why. Don’t be blame shifting I think she’s been very reasonable stop poking for a reaction.

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 20:51

@SunnyD44 I'm not interested in responding to your personal questions. They're none of your business. Have a good, evening mature one.

OP posts:
IrishladyNE · 31/08/2022 20:52

so bloody rude

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 31/08/2022 20:52

They've got nothing better to do , some of them just like to snipe

IrishladyNE · 31/08/2022 20:54

It’s not fair when someone is genuinely upset and comes for support from other women. She’s done nothing wrong, apart from meet an knob head online. Words of encouragement would help. Mind you I don’t encourage online dating anyone it’s rife with people like this.

Anon778833 · 31/08/2022 20:55

Hadalifeonce · 31/08/2022 15:14

I often see threads where the OP has had a few dates, seen each other for a few weeks/months; they have sex and bloke disappears. I find it quite sad that someone invests in what they hope will be a relationship, but to the bloke it's just a way to get a shag

yes, especially because some men will invest months, pretending they want a relationship when they don’t.

Anon778833 · 31/08/2022 20:58

I think that, on balance, the OP hasn’t done anything wrong and she deserves more empathy. In an ideal world, things should be equal but they just aren’t. Women don’t pretend to be into a guy so that they can get sex. You can’t reverse everything.

SunnyD44 · 31/08/2022 21:00

I often see threads where the OP has had a few dates, seen each other for a few weeks/months; they have sex and bloke disappears.

That’s a very rare occurrence.

Most guys will continue to keep in touch knowing they can have sex with you in the future.

Only an idiot would have sex and then ghost because he’s got to go through the dating stage again just to have another shag.

I had a few ONS when I was younger and OLD and no one has ever ghosted me for this reason. Even though they weren’t looking for a relationship just a shag.

OP said they’d already had sex previously so he didn’t just use her for sex and dump her.

Sandra1984 · 31/08/2022 21:00

IrishladyNE · 31/08/2022 20:50

Hey fine, he not into her. No problem. Drop her a line and tell her that. Is that so hard, actually yeah it is so hard for people that do it over and over. There are not consequences, you don’t have friends in common so why bother with common decency? Oh yeah because he’s a complete twat at the heart of him that’s why. Don’t be blame shifting I think she’s been very reasonable stop poking for a reaction.

Why should he drop a line after 3 days “hi, sorry but I’m not into you”?

Thats weird, maybe we have a different “etiquette “ when it comes to OLD but if I wanted to break up with a guy after one month dating I would stop texting, wait for him to get back to me demanding an explanation then I would let him know In a nice way why this is not working out for me and break it of.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 31/08/2022 21:01

Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 20:04

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall I'm actually intrigued by the fact there are repeat offenders and that they've bothered to come to play on this post. I wonder what they find so inspiring?!

How can anyone get so worked up by me not sending a text to a man I was dating and feeling a little disappointed that he didn't initiate? It's actually completely wild some of the comments I've received here. Top picks:

*I need to grow up
*I don't deserve an adult relationship
*I'm reflective of the state of society
*I'm making feminists turn in their grave
*I'm like a 13-year-old playing mind games
*No-one got ghosted; I'm the immature one

So much for the sisterhood!

I've had some horrendously rude comments when I've asked for advice. I've been called vile, a fruitcake, a bitch, a terrible nasty friend, sad and lonely, up myself, the list goes on. You'd think if people disagreed with a post they'd point that out constructively without name calling and vitriol. It surprised me. For every few constructive posts there's a playground bully on here who'd never dare speak like that in real life. Filter them out and take constructive advice.

FWIW I think he's a cowardy custard. Being childish myself this evening.

bountybarsaregreat · 31/08/2022 21:02

@Cherrycokefiend - just wanted to say I've been there with someone who seemed to tick all the boxes, be really keen and attentive then decided he didn't want to know after he got what he wanted.

This person is with someone else now and I feel sorry for her.

If I was in your shoes I would have messaged this person you had been seeing by now because I'm impatient.

It can really sting but you will get over it.

DanielTheGhostGangbanger · 31/08/2022 21:05

DatingDinosaur · 31/08/2022 19:43

Lol @DanielTheGhostGangbanger @Sandra1984 Grin

I, personally, just couldn’t “ghost the ghoster” so to speak, I’d have to say something / have my say / get it off my chest.

Point taken about the "retard" comment though.

@Cherrycokefiend Ultimately, you've got to do what feels right for you and find a way of moving forward from this in a positive way - for YOU. You know in your heart of hearts whether or not you've been ghosted and if not making contact with him is what works for you to move forward from this in a positive way then that's great.

Thank you @DatingDinosaur - appreciated 💐

I agreed with the rest of your post though!! 😊😊

IrishladyNE · 31/08/2022 21:06

No that’s not true, they want to cut you off so you can’t mess with their nee venture. So clueless.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 31/08/2022 21:09

SunnyD44 · 31/08/2022 21:00

I often see threads where the OP has had a few dates, seen each other for a few weeks/months; they have sex and bloke disappears.

That’s a very rare occurrence.

Most guys will continue to keep in touch knowing they can have sex with you in the future.

Only an idiot would have sex and then ghost because he’s got to go through the dating stage again just to have another shag.

I had a few ONS when I was younger and OLD and no one has ever ghosted me for this reason. Even though they weren’t looking for a relationship just a shag.

OP said they’d already had sex previously so he didn’t just use her for sex and dump her.

Rubbish, if they don't actually want a relationship and know that's what the other person is looking for rather than just a shag buddy then some will just ghost and move on to the next

It's easier for women to just find ons if that's what they want than it is for men. I fair few are willing to put in a bit of effort before moving on to the next

Musttryharder2021 · 31/08/2022 21:09

Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 18:54

@Sandra1984 Ok, I really need to challenge this.

I didn't expect 'commitment'. I expected basic courtesy from someone who I had spent time with on enjoyable dates over a month-long period.

There is a difference. I'm not bawling that he's not my boyfriend, I'm gutted that he didn't act more respectfully.

Implying 'madness' on my part is way off the mark.

With all due respect Op @Cherrycokefiend why are you so invested? You've known someone a month, they turned out to be shitty... you appear quite invested

Blowthemandown · 31/08/2022 21:10

@Cherrycokefiend sorry this has happened. I’d be very unsettled. But could something have happened to him so he can’t get in touch. I’d want to check that if I could (even sneakily!) otherwise with you all the way!

IrishladyNE · 31/08/2022 21:11

Would you? Would you really? Don’t think so. It takes a lot for someone to put themselves out there. All these stupid comments are from people who never have. God help you if you feel the need in the future. You will be chewed up and spat out.

YoSofi · 31/08/2022 21:13

ARE PEOPLE MISSING THE PART WHERE THE OP SAID SHE FELT SOMETHING HAD SHIFTED AS SHE LEFT THIS WEEKEND AND KNEW HE WOULDN’T BE IN TOUCH?!

@Cherrycokefiend - you sound fab, your boundaries are strong and you’re very dignified. It’s shit, and it will feel shit for a while but you’ll bounce back - it does sound like you’ve dodged a bullet. You’ll be fine x

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 21:17

@Musttryharder2021 I feel the way I feel. It hurt because it triggered feelings of abandonment. It hurt because my job is shit at the moment. It hurt because I thought - briefly - that he might be a nice, consistent part of my life and someone I might see more of and that turned out to be the wrong impression.

I'm equally curious as to why you're invested in why I'm invested. But we're 11 pages in so.. As you were.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 21:18

@YoSofi thanks for being so kind and badass on this crazy thread

OP posts:
GreengrocerFriend · 31/08/2022 21:19

Agreed 👍

IrishladyNE · 31/08/2022 21:23

It’s a triggering post for people who have recently experienced. It’s a pile on for people who think this would never happen to them because you must have deserved it. No some people really are just disrespectful and plain mean. Bless them they haven’t come across it…yet!