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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bl0ody ghosted :-(

356 replies

Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 13:04

Can’t quite believe I’m writing this. But met a man (43) on OLD a month ago. Instant chemistry, lots of flirting, took me out for my birthday and said all the right things. He called throughout the week and was actively pursuing me and making arrangements.

Niggly feelings were telling me that he was rather bitter about a ‘witch’ of an ex wife amongst other things so I was cautiously optimistic and not getting too excited. He was highly attractive if not a little ‘wounded’. Ex forces if that’s relevant.

We spent the weekend together last week - him driving an hour to my place. He insisted I head to his in the evening so he could cook. He did. I left first thing in the morning and….

I’ve not heard from him since.

Total crickets.

I’m a big girl in my thirties and haven’t and will definitely not be reaching out. But frankly I feel sick that a 43-year-old man could pull this. Ok after a couple of dates (even though that’s not great) but after having a level of intimacy? I’m shell shocked, even despite my reservations about the bloke.

I know it’s not me it’s him yada yada yada but honestly I feel sick and shaken by this. I know in my gut I won’t hear from him again. And by this stage I don’t want to.

Can anyone help me feel remotely ok again about this? Need some viper treatment.

OP posts:
YoSofi · 31/08/2022 21:26

Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 21:18

@YoSofi thanks for being so kind and badass on this crazy thread

You’re very welcome, if I knew you in real life I’d take you to the pub so we could slate dickhead men together.

I also have abandonment issues, but I would have text him 10 times already begging to find out what had changed, so please know however hard it may be you have inspired me to be more like you next time I meet an emotionally unavailable fuckwit. If it makes you feel better my ex ghosted me after three years..!

This says nothing about you and everything about him, feel sad and then do something nice for yourself. It’s not you.

Anon778833 · 31/08/2022 21:27

It's easier for women to just find ons if that's what they want than it is for men. I fair few are willing to put in a bit of effort before moving on to the next

quite!

Penny242 · 31/08/2022 21:27

It’s miserable, OP, when you sense that shift in atmosphere and you’re proven right when you don’t hear back from the person. Plan something nice for yourself next weekend, go try something challenging and take heart your gut instincts were spot on.

I could be wrong but you may end up getting a sob story from him in a few weeks because his other date ghosted him 🙄.

Anon778833 · 31/08/2022 21:28

Musttryharder2021 · 31/08/2022 21:09

With all due respect Op @Cherrycokefiend why are you so invested? You've known someone a month, they turned out to be shitty... you appear quite invested

Show quote history

It is normal to be invested when you’ve done coupley things and had sex. Women get the bonding hormone from this. Men, not so much.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/08/2022 21:33

I know it probably hurts right now. But tbh if you chased him and continued for a while, odds on, you would somewhere along the line become another ‘crazy’ ex. I think you have done the right thing.

SunnyD44 · 31/08/2022 21:33

Rubbish, if they don't actually want a relationship and know that's what the other person is looking for rather than just a shag buddy then some will just ghost and move on to the next

Well I must be very lucky or very unlucky then as I’ve never had any man ghost me.

I even had 1 guy message me asking how I was and he misses me etc but forgot that I could see his WhatsApp photo which was of him and his wife who had got married that day!

I block men all of the time and ghost on them but that’s usually right at the beginning when they’re creepy or if they’re in a relationship.

I guess if a women was constantly texting or being annoying then they’d have a reason to ghost but most men like to keep women as a back up.

If someone started a thread asking whether this person actually likes them because it’s always them texting the other person and initiating things.
Every single poster would say don’t text them and if they don’t bother reaching out to you then you have your answer.

This guy may be a dick and thought OP was X, Y, Z which is why he’s ghosted but IMO if one person is doing all of the work then they’re soon going to get fed up.

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 21:39

@SunnyD44 Bully for you 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 21:41

@MondaysChild7 Quite! Imagine spending time with someone and - shock - actually liking them a bit after it. I give up 😆

OP posts:
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 31/08/2022 21:42

SunnyD44 · 31/08/2022 21:33

Rubbish, if they don't actually want a relationship and know that's what the other person is looking for rather than just a shag buddy then some will just ghost and move on to the next

Well I must be very lucky or very unlucky then as I’ve never had any man ghost me.

I even had 1 guy message me asking how I was and he misses me etc but forgot that I could see his WhatsApp photo which was of him and his wife who had got married that day!

I block men all of the time and ghost on them but that’s usually right at the beginning when they’re creepy or if they’re in a relationship.

I guess if a women was constantly texting or being annoying then they’d have a reason to ghost but most men like to keep women as a back up.

If someone started a thread asking whether this person actually likes them because it’s always them texting the other person and initiating things.
Every single poster would say don’t text them and if they don’t bother reaching out to you then you have your answer.

This guy may be a dick and thought OP was X, Y, Z which is why he’s ghosted but IMO if one person is doing all of the work then they’re soon going to get fed up.

That was him just dipping his foot in there because he thinks he might get a shag, not that he actually missed you 🤣. It's not something to be pleased about, he was hoping you have such low self esteem that you'd be happy to jump back on his cock

This bloke of the ops may get back in contact in a few weeks in the hope that she'll be daft enough to pick back up where they left off

Luckily it sounds like she wouldn't fall for it

Anon778833 · 31/08/2022 21:43

SunnyD44 · 31/08/2022 21:33

Rubbish, if they don't actually want a relationship and know that's what the other person is looking for rather than just a shag buddy then some will just ghost and move on to the next

Well I must be very lucky or very unlucky then as I’ve never had any man ghost me.

I even had 1 guy message me asking how I was and he misses me etc but forgot that I could see his WhatsApp photo which was of him and his wife who had got married that day!

I block men all of the time and ghost on them but that’s usually right at the beginning when they’re creepy or if they’re in a relationship.

I guess if a women was constantly texting or being annoying then they’d have a reason to ghost but most men like to keep women as a back up.

If someone started a thread asking whether this person actually likes them because it’s always them texting the other person and initiating things.
Every single poster would say don’t text them and if they don’t bother reaching out to you then you have your answer.

This guy may be a dick and thought OP was X, Y, Z which is why he’s ghosted but IMO if one person is doing all of the work then they’re soon going to get fed up.

You’re not coming across very well SunnyD. You sound stuck up and lacking in empathy. Or you think you’ve never been ghosted because you’re such a superior person.

This new dating phenomenon of ghosting people and quickly moving onto the next is most definitely not a figment of anyone’s imagination.

There was actually a programme about it on Radio 4 today! A lady was saying that she’d been dating a man for a few months and they were making future plans. She then found out that he’d made plans to go on a date with her friend - who he met also on Tinder!

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 21:44

@MondaysChild7 Sunny by name, stuck up by nature it seems.

OP posts:
LetHimHaveIt · 31/08/2022 21:45

I suspect your interpretation of events is correct, OP. He's not trapped under a Welsh dresser and he's not staring, sad and bewildered, at his dark phone screen.

I don't think you're particularly rude either - although 'get back in your box' is a bit near the knuckle. One of many antagonistic posts, though.

Hope you find a decent bloke.

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 21:47

@LetHimHaveIt thanks. I can cope with near the knuckle. It was warranted!

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 31/08/2022 21:49

OP, I see that you have been upset by this thread and that makes me feel bad. I hope I didn't contribute to that. I do totally understand why you are upset not to have heard from him...

My story is this: I met my husband through OLD. Our second date which was the first time we shagged turned into a whole weekend - it was amazing! After it, I waited a while for him to text, and when he didn't, like you I thought, well maybe that is it and I won't hear from him again - but I decided to text him and he text straight back! He had had a great time (he is still, I hope, a few years later, having a great time) but he is a bag of insecurities (just like me!) Despite seeming supremely confident. And I honestly believe that if I hadn't text him he would never have text me and it would have ended right there....

You seem like a nice person. You deserve I am sure to be happy. So I just think, if you text him, one of two things will happen:

A) you are right, he will not reply, and you will know for absolute sure he is a cowardly twat.

B) he will text back and say, oh my God I was waiting to hear from you, it was great.... And you may go on to have more fun, maybe even fall in love, who knows....

Whereas if you DON'T text, all you have is this misery and feeling of rejection.

You would lose NOTHING by messaging him, in my opinion. Whereas you stand to gain a lot possibly. At the very worst, you get more closure.

Anyway, what do I know? Good luck anyway, and please don't be upset by what anyone has said on here. We don't know you and our opinions really count for nothing......

LetHimHaveIt · 31/08/2022 21:49

You were also perfectly clear that he'd ghosted you after this particular sexual contact, which wasn't the first time you'd had it.

MN gets on my wick sometimes.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 31/08/2022 21:51

There was actually a programme about it on Radio 4 today! A lady was saying that she’d been dating a man for a few months and they were making future plans. She then found out that he’d made plans to go on a date with her friend - who he met also on Tinder!

Urgh yeah, the future fakers . Dating is such fun these days

IrishladyNE · 31/08/2022 21:56

🥴

SunnyD44 · 31/08/2022 21:58

That was him just dipping his foot in there because he thinks he might get a shag, not that he actually missed you 🤣. It's not something to be pleased about, he was hoping you have such low self esteem that you'd be happy to jump back on his cock

You’ve missed my point entirely!

He kept me in his phone to try and get a shag in the future.

That’s exactly what I’m saying!

It’s very rare for men to ghost women who they think they may be able to have sex with in the future.

Everyone keeps implying that he ghosted OP after they had sex because he used her to get his dick wet and he can’t face having sex with her again incase she wants a relationship or whatever - but that doesn’t sound like that happened.

I might be wrong and he did use OP for sex but I’d have thought he would have used her a few more times before coming up with some excuse as to why he doesn’t want a relationship.

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 21:58

@Ilovelurchers I appreciate your perspective and happy it worked out for you.

I rather doubt that your lovely husband made an off-colour joke about his ex-wife, though. Hence why he's your DH.

For that reason, and the 4 days of silence that have followed since our last exchange, I will not be reaching out for closure - or anything for that matter.

OP posts:
GerardIsTheBest · 31/08/2022 22:00

I'm with you, OP. This is a real and common phenomenon, especially with OLD.
Those of an academic bent might be interested to read the book Cheap Sex by Mark Regnerus.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 31/08/2022 22:00

It's like banging your head off a brick wall 🤦‍♀️

SunnyD44 · 31/08/2022 22:02

There was actually a programme about it on Radio 4 today! A lady was saying that she’d been dating a man for a few months and they were making future plans. She then found out that he’d made plans to go on a date with her friend - who he met also on Tinder!

But did he ghost the lady or did he try and go on a date with her friend as well as continuing to see her?
Because that’s the point I’m trying to make.

Some men are dicks and will message you on the day they get married or try and date your friend but it’s not very common to ghost someone who they can try and shag in the future.

IrishladyNE · 31/08/2022 22:05

I think we all I know the that the moral of the story is that if something feels off it’s because it is. Sometimes people makes mistakes. We are not all as perfect as you are. Judging by your comments not sure I’d want to be.

Musttryharder2021 · 31/08/2022 22:22

Anon778833 · 31/08/2022 21:28

It is normal to be invested when you’ve done coupley things and had sex. Women get the bonding hormone from this. Men, not so much.

Show quote history

Well you can blame the biology, or you can wise up and realise you have "issues". Getting attached after some dates and sex is really down to you to control. It isn't normal to be so invested after a month, that implies the person has weak boundaries

SunnyD44 · 31/08/2022 22:22

I think we all I know the that the moral of the story is that if something feels off it’s because it is.

I agree and I’m glad OP is listening to her gut.

I just disagree with posters who are saying he ghosted her because she had sex with him as it just doesn’t seem that way but like I said I could be wrong.