Bl0ody ghosted :-(

[Cherrycokefiend]

Can’t quite believe I’m writing this. But met a man (43) on OLD a month ago. Instant chemistry, lots of flirting, took me out for my birthday and said all the right things. He called throughout the week and was actively pursuing me and making arrangements.

Niggly feelings were telling me that he was rather bitter about a ‘witch’ of an ex wife amongst other things so I was cautiously optimistic and not getting too excited. He was highly attractive if not a little ‘wounded’. Ex forces if that’s relevant.

We spent the weekend together last week - him driving an hour to my place. He insisted I head to his in the evening so he could cook. He did. I left first thing in the morning and….

I’ve not heard from him since.

Total crickets.

I’m a big girl in my thirties and haven’t and will definitely not be reaching out. But frankly I feel sick that a 43-year-old man could pull this. Ok after a couple of dates (even though that’s not great) but after having a level of intimacy? I’m shell shocked, even despite my reservations about the bloke.

I know it’s not me it’s him yada yada yada but honestly I feel sick and shaken by this. I know in my gut I won’t hear from him again. And by this stage I don’t want to.

Can anyone help me feel remotely ok again about this? Need some viper treatment.

She already acknowledged her abandonment issues.

Does anyone read the full thread anymore?

@Musttryharder2021 I think you're a bit icy. Developing feelings after a month isn't abnormal or the sign of someone with 'issues'. Maybe we really bonded! You sound very judgemental and I hope you treat people in real life less harshly than you have on this thread.

I think you sound great OP and I am sure it is his loss! But I absolutely would have sent a cheery text a day or so after, just to make sure. My husband stood me up on our third date. I was very wtf when he phoned to apologise to say he’d been a knob. Married 20 years. Men people do stupid stuff sometimes.

All best wishes, @Cherrycokefiend. I think you're right in that it's all gone to shit now even if he did contact you, from all you've said.

You take some time to 'rest up' - and take care, you and your 'leaky face' (excellent expression btw).

You’re wrong.

OP you have treated this poor man terribly, you should phone him RIGHT NOW to apologise for the four days of hell he's probably had sitting at home wondering where the fuck you are. He's probably lost his phone? He's probably lost your number? He's probably just busy? So busy he probably hasn't even had time to go for a shit in 4 days?

Only joking. Well done on having self respect and being realistic enough to know the reason he didn't get in touch is because he didn't want to, not because he's been kidnapped by a leprechaun. PP is right, so many posters on here would be eaten alive by online daters.

Good for you x

You bonded over your fantasy clearly. It's rather sad.

So, how are you going to make sure this doesn't happen again/history repeat itself? Do you have enough other things going on in your life?

Wow! No need at all for that response

Wow - I totally agree with the op. I although have not had sex have been ghosted after a few kisses and many many lovely texts. He just changed and I did message after the ghosting ..... stupidly and he was just distant / weird. The conversation ended in me saying lets leave it here - him implying he did not get why I was saying this - but then him saying it is him not me. Then me sounding like a bloody bunny boiler..... and now sat in tears feeling like a idiot. Really quite liked him....... feeling like a prize twit. Well done for holding strong.

@Musttryharder2021 I honestly, hand on heart, do not understand the logic here.

Surely the whole point of dating is to forge that attachment? Some people feel it instantly, others are more of a slow burn. How can a timescale of any length indicate weak boundaries?

Weak boundaries for staying with someone who treats you badly, yes.

Weak boundaries for fancying someone? Really???

Honestly, please tell me I’ve really misunderstood what you mean!!

You don't really know someone after a month, forging emotional attachment after such a short time is alarming. She shouldn't be needing to vent on the internet if she had healthy self esteem.

Your posts really are quite goady / unpleasant.

What are you hoping to achieve here, exactly?

Please STOP with the "invested". I am sick to death of reading this word on this forum.

It's about basic manners and treating people decently and not being a bloody coward. Nothing to do with being "invested".

@Musttryharder2021

Your username intrigues me.

To be kind?

A different opinion! Too many women are riding the oxytocin wave thinking it's their "feelings" when really all it was was just some shagging. It's quite obvious. When the oxytocin ears off I'm sure her feelings will be different on the matter. It sounds like Op needs some actual real-life support if she felt this man would be her constant after 5 mins

@Cherrycokefiend Developing feelings after a month isn't abnormal or the sign of someone with 'issues'. Maybe we really bonded.

Yes, you guys “bonded” so much that he ghosted you. Incredible bond you had. Sounds like you had constructed a self made narrative of him and the relationship that didn’t quite “applied” to reality.

Sorry, that didn’t quite “match” the reality of it.

Thanks for explaining but I can’t say I agree with that logic I’m afraid.

Why continue to date someone if there isn’t some sort of attraction there?
Why date someone in the first place if there isn’t at least a bit of attraction there initially? What would be the actual point of dating otherwise?

It’s only natural that if two people keep dating one another, the attraction will increase to a deeper attachment (even if it is one sided because the other person has different objectives). There is no timescale to this FEELING. It’s either there, or it isn’t. It either develops, or it doesn’t.

You don’t “forge” an attachment. You can’t make it happen, it just happens, or not.

It’s natural and normal to feel upset, hurt, pissed off, angry if a relationship doesn’t work out as you hoped – for whatever reason. The timescale is irrelevant really. That’s not weakness, low self esteem or poor boundaries. That’s called being human.

They "dated" for 1 month. Enough said.

How long should they have dated before forging an attachment? And how should they have gone about forging that attachment once a suitable length of time dating had been agreed?

To be honest, I think we'll have to agree to differ on our thought processes here because I'm really, honestly, truly not "getting" where you are coming from with this.

Oh, he said all kinds of things that would have put a lot of other women off - but then I am no angel either! I'm not even sure I would describe him as "lovely"! But I love him and he's right for me - we are a good match.

And that's what it comes down to doesn't it? It sounds like you have decided this guy wasn't right for you anyway. So that's cool. You have no need to be upset at his behaviour - you decided he wasn't right for you, and maybe he decided the same. You had a fun weekend then both decided to call it a day. Nobody has been exploited or humiliated - it just is what it is.

And hopefully next time you will find somebody better suited to you! I wish you all the best. People are very down on on-line dating but a lot of people, like me, do meet their love that way. But just like any kind of dating, you may need to try a few out before you get there!

Wishing you the very best OP.

Oh yes!

Such immaturity OP.

He can’t ghost you if you are doing the same to him.

Men do not like game players. Just contact him!!!

Well he could have an excuse - he's had an accident for example. But ut sounds like you've had a lucky escape.

My DF went through hell with a guy like this. Over a 2 year period, he ghosted her, made fun if her etc etc and it was in her imagination or her fault. Poor thing was a mess because of him, but you know, they split up and 2 years later he turns up, apologies and asks her out again. She said and what's in it for me. He left!

The strength you have is immeasurable. You don't need a man like this. Think of it as a good night had by all and move on. Good luck x