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Original poster

Read something I wish I hadn't

310 replies

whenlifehandsyoulemon · 29/08/2022 18:56

Brief overview

Partner is 8 years younger than me and we have been together 7 years (I am 40 and he is 32)

I've always been in shape and looked after myself, whereas he has been less worried about that, but I've never been bothered as I love him. I just have always loved the gym and feeling good with nice clothes etc.

We have an 18 month old son and I've not been able to obviously do as much taking care of myself as I used to, plus my body has changed post birth, breast feeding etc. so I already feel crap in myself.

Since the baby I feel like he thinks he can get away with saying things about my age etc. even if it's a joke, it still upsets me.

Anyway....

Earlier we had a bit of a disagreement and I went down his phone which I've NEVER done.

He's been messaging a friend of his about a night out and he said 'oh it's grab a granny after, you'll like that'

My partner replied 'I've got a 5 year plan and then I'm moving onto a younger model'

I feel sick. I wish I'd never seen it as I already feel so unattractive.

I don't really know what I want people to say, but I genuinely feel like it's the truth I feel that insecure.

He also hates living where we live and I know he wants to move where all his friends are, but logistically with a child it's just not viable atm, so I think the 5 year plan is the truth.

OP posts:
Cherchezlaspice · 29/08/2022 23:07

CinnamonJellyBeans · 29/08/2022 23:01

It sounds like you assess each other's worth based on superficial things that other people might notice: Age, weight, style. These are not a firm foundation for a relationship as they can and will change, as your partnership goes on.

You over-compensate for the age gap by telling yourself that you are worthy of a younger man, as you are (or were) attractive, in-shape and well- dressed for a woman at the grand old age of 40. He plays the role of the fat badly dressed one, but that's OK, as he's the toy boy. When the balance is disrupted simply because you gained some baby weight and grey hairs, the power shifts and he enjoys being the "attractive" one. You'll be in real trouble if he starts dressing stylishly. What if he starts wearing smart shoes? Who knows what could happen?

If this is all that was wrong, you could fix this.

That five year plan comment was not spontaneous banter. He will likely do it once he has enough money from his new business. Even if he doesn't do it, then he is deriving great satisfaction from knowing that you are dispensable to him. This "get out of jail free card" will limit your relationship. This is harder to fix, as he is not committed to you for the long-term, even if you do get married.

I'm also curious about "grab a granny?"; does this mean after their night out when they fail to impress the younger lasses, they go and pick up older (possibly less discerning) women for sex? It sounds like this to me. This does not sound good at all.

I think you should reconsider this relationship.

Your child is 18 months old. You should go back to work, as you cannot be sure that you will not be a single parent in the near future.

This comment is pretty perfect.

Re ‘grab a granny’, I knew guys who used to do this. When we were in our early 20’s. If they failed to pull a young attractive woman by about midnight, they’d home in on women over 40, particularly overweight women.

I hasten to add that these idiots were not my friends.

user1477391263 · 29/08/2022 23:09

So no mother who enjoys and loves being at home with their child should ever ever feel they “have” to return to full time work when they don’t want to.

Sorry, but this is twaddle. Based on everything that the OP has said, the odds that she will be a single parent a few years from now (if not sooner) are probably close to 100%, I would say. Mothering is very important, but making sure you have the ways and means to provide for your child is just as important as the hands-on stuff. We are staring down the barrel of a cost-of-living crisis right now. Wolf's at the door for many of us. Being a SAHM is nice if you are a married woman with a lovely, committed husband, but that's not where the OP is.

HaveringWavering · 29/08/2022 23:09

whoopdedo · 29/08/2022 22:38

I think it's a (really shit) banter style joke with the boys type of thing. I don't think there's likely to be an ounce of truth in it but I'd still have to say something him about it because it's just a bit shot really and he needs to apologise to you even if it was a private conversation. He owes you a very sincere apology.

The fact he could even bring himself to type it in "banter" shows that he doesn't love his partner or child.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 29/08/2022 23:09

I'd be telling him that his 5 year plan had accelerated to 48 hours

SD1978 · 29/08/2022 23:11

I couldn't live with him after that, whether he claimed it was a joke, or not that is a vile comment from his friend, and then from him. I'd personally be creating my much shorter plan where he gets the feck out. I'm not a LTB type of person- that's your choice, but that is fecking disgusting

xippo · 29/08/2022 23:11

he's kicking you when you're down OP, really feel for you x

Ladybug9 · 29/08/2022 23:12

Not rtft just the first post, I'm so sorry OP what an awful thing to read. You sound like an amazing mum ❤

Remagirl · 29/08/2022 23:13

In your shoes I'd have a 5 week plan. Tell him to start looking for his own place pronto.

Gymnopedie · 29/08/2022 23:22

OP your LO is 18months old. Wouldn't now be an excellent time to have a discussion with partner on the basis of when you are thinking about going back to work, it won't be too long before DS is entitled to the free nursery hours so you're wondering how it would all pan out*. And during the conversation ask oh so casually that what with his business taking off and the possibility of you picking up your career, where you think you might both be in - ooh, say 1, 2 and 5 years' time????

*You don't have to mean it

MsRosley · 29/08/2022 23:29

whenlifehandsyoulemon · 29/08/2022 19:59

@NerdyBird

Ok, so he always comments on my nose, lately my hair needing to be coloured more frequently (greys coming through) my thighs being bigger now. General comments on my clothes (I have good taste) he actually doesn't.

To name but a few!

This has red flags all over it. One of the foundations of a loving relationship is that you are kind about each other's physical shortcomings, and that kindness usually manifests as NEVER saying anything mean or derogatory. Those comments to you sound horrible, and really undermining.

wellhelloitsme · 29/08/2022 23:29

Some will say it's 'just' banter but I personally find it so unattractive when a bloke has a friendship group in which the running joke is that they all wish they were shagging other people and are somehow stuck in relationships beneath them.

It's immature and gross at best and the sign of a really misogynistic attitude at worst. The latter is more likely IME.

I couldn't personally get past this as it would have shown me the type of bloke he is.

Even if he doesn't think he's too good for this relationship, he thinks it's funny to joke about wishing he was shagging / dating other people and can't wait to split.

It's rank.

Poor you OP. Pandora's box is a bastard.

wellhelloitsme · 29/08/2022 23:31

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 29/08/2022 21:08

Id say the 5 year plan is to marry you and financially secure himself with your money before he moves on to his younger model. Consider seeing his message a gift. This man is not worthy of you. He makes you feel bad to your face and is even worse (and utterly misogynistic) behind your back. Get rid of him, claim child support, go back to your career and don't look back. You sound amazing, he is a fool.

This.

Never, ever be with someone who has misogynist tendencies or surrounds themselves with misogynists.

Good blokes don't want to be mates with that type of bloke.

MissyDe · 29/08/2022 23:42

Bantering with one another is one thing, most couples do that, but was with someone else about you. The mate sounds like a jerk as well ‘grab a granny’??? I’d like to see how hot he is!
I think you should confront him about what you read. The 5 year plan could be a joke, but talking about you like that with his friends is not right.

SNWannabe · 29/08/2022 23:42

user1477391263 · 29/08/2022 23:09

So no mother who enjoys and loves being at home with their child should ever ever feel they “have” to return to full time work when they don’t want to.

Sorry, but this is twaddle. Based on everything that the OP has said, the odds that she will be a single parent a few years from now (if not sooner) are probably close to 100%, I would say. Mothering is very important, but making sure you have the ways and means to provide for your child is just as important as the hands-on stuff. We are staring down the barrel of a cost-of-living crisis right now. Wolf's at the door for many of us. Being a SAHM is nice if you are a married woman with a lovely, committed husband, but that's not where the OP is.

Based on what the OP said she actually HAS her own money, has worked for 20 plus years previously and has the means and ways to provide. So it’s not “twaddle” thanks very much.
Being a SAHM is more than just nice- it’s very much undervalued and is being very much missed in todays society. And it’s not just for married women, now that’s twaddle if ever I saw it.

mamabear715 · 30/08/2022 00:10

@whenlifehandsyoulemon
I'm curious.. you haven't said if you still love him.. if he says he loves you?
When did you get engaged? Was it his idea? If so, I think it's probably (horrible) lad banter and / or one-upmanship.
On the other hand, his remarks on your appearance must be really hard to hear, esp with him being younger than you.
I definitely agree with a previous poster who advised saying nothing so you can keep a check on his phone. I think you must have been feeling very vulnerable to even consider that, tbh. It's not something we do lightly, is it?
As others have said, quietly separate your money as much as possible, keep the door open for yourself at work, and if you appear quiet & distant from him & he notices, so much the better if he thinks YOU are thinking about ending it. You'll get a true reaction then. Hugs.. thinking of you.

Watchamocauli · 30/08/2022 00:17

Respect is so important in a relationship.

Can you call him out about the text while joking about others? Without mentioning his phone thing? Like if he mentions his friend then .. Say ya so whats his 5 year plan? Or if you find him mocking you.. Say are you in market for younger models? Something that drops the penny for him. Do not forgive without a groveling apology.

I don’t know why men do this to women with young babies??? I’ve heard it so many times. Do they think being vulnerable is fun?

OP, find an awesome nursery and get back into drivers seat. If he doesn’t come around then kick his ar*e

GetThatHelmetOn · 30/08/2022 00:19

I have never dated a man who taught he was punching above his weight that had not ended treating me like shit given some time. It is as if they cannot believe that an attractive person can love them so they start assuming you are not that good otherwise why the hell would you be with them?

I don’t think this is just men’s banter, he means it, if he didn’t he wouldn’t allow his friends to disrespect you.

For the sake of your baby, go back to work as soon as you can, this man doesn’t have your back. Things move on quickly so the team who said they are keeping the door open for you may not be there when you are ready to go back. Being at nursery will actually help your kid to get into a routine and sleep at night.

I was a bit of a high flyer before I married and had DS. My exH was only one year older than me and equally successful but… I noticed that we stopped being “equals” on his view when I became a housewife with a baby. The woman he “knew” was no longer there and frankly, I didn’t even care as I was so focused on DS. To cut the story short, we split, he found a woman who was like me before I had DS and walked into the sunset.

Honestly, I do not mind him going as I also wanted out by then BUT, the only thing I regret in my life was becoming a SAHM, as by the time I wanted to go back to work I was an overqualified person with no recent experience, therefore not good enough for senior roles but too good for junior ones. So I ended up working a different job which doesn’t pay as much so, I have not been able to provide for DS as I would have wanted. If I had stayed in
my original role I could have easily afforded to go part time when DS needed me the most.

OldFan · 30/08/2022 00:24

He sounds awful and sounds like he'd be unlikely to get better than you and has a deluded idea of himself.

@whenlifehandsyoulemon If you were always into fitness/taking care of yourself then I'm sure you'll be able to work on bouncing back to that when you're ready.

But he doesn't sound like he deserves you.

TheSandwoman · 30/08/2022 00:26

pictish · 29/08/2022 19:24

I’d be tempted to pack him a bag with the essentials, then tell him there’s no need to wait five years, he can leave now. Watch his face as it registers.

say, “Yes, I did look at your phone and it’s a good job that I did.”
I wouldn’t give a shit how angry he was. I’d be much much angrier.

You can’t rely on him after this.

Absolutely this.

Iamthewalnut · 30/08/2022 00:31

CrabbitBastard · 29/08/2022 20:32

Firstly, don't say 'full time mummy'. I'm a full time mummy. Every mother is. Say SAHM and show the rest of us some respect, especially if we are taking the time to advise you. Secondly, STOP being a SAHM, get a job, your own bank account separate from his if you don't already, and start making your own 5 year plan, if not sooner. I'd never be dependent on a man for my income and home.

How fucking rude! As a part-time working mum, I don't find 'full-time mummy' disrespectful at all. Being at home full-time with my child for her first two years (due to her high-needs disabilities) was far more intensive than when she was finally stable enough to go to nursery so I could work, which felt like respite in comparison.

After my daughter was born I was dependent on my husband financially, but equally, he was dependent on me to provide full-time care, otherwise, a huge amount of our income would have been swallowed in childcare and our daughter wouldn't have had me there full-time to take care of her and take her to her 3+ hospital appointments per week.

OP, your partner doesn’t fully appreciate the sacrifices you have made and it must be a horrible shock reading those betraying messages. If going back to work in the future enables you to reclaim your identity and establish a life independent from him then all power to you. Any partner deserving of you wouldn’t put you in that position. Please don’t listen to those who castigate you for doing what you felt was in your child's best interests by being a full-time mum up until this point.

OldFan · 30/08/2022 00:32

He's taking you for granted now @whenlifehandsyoulemon and you know there's no way you can marry him now, don't you?

At least until he ups his game and stops the disrespect.

Otherwise you'll be marrying a guy who's all set to be (more) verbally abusive. Marriage would make him feel you're even more unable to leave, so he would be even worse.

Tigofigo · 30/08/2022 00:34

He sounds vile - unfunny, immature, unkind and shallow. And ugly compared to you.

What are his good points?!

Mumwithsons · 30/08/2022 00:37

I think you need some space in your head to process this.

So don’t do anything for a while. But what I would urge you to do is get really into your baby and you - make everything about your enjoyment of your child. So what if your thighs have got bigger. Nothing is more important than being a mum at the minute, revel in it, buy stuff for the baby, spend afternoons in the park, hang out with other mums. These moments will pass so quickly.

Don’t go off course because of these horrible comments. You have gone through pregnancy and birth, and now are looking after a tiny human being. You are a goddess! You are doing the most amazing thing in the world! If he can’t see what is unique, incredible and so lovely as to be so lucky to have a baby with a lovely woman, well he can take a hike. This is not all about HIM. Make this about you in this incredible life stage where the last thing you are is a body for male gaze. You have become a mother, which is an amazing thing your body has done. Feel strong in yourself and let him stew out in the lonely wilderness with his pathetic male mates.

bellaboo90 · 30/08/2022 00:46

I wouldn’t worry. It sounds like banter to me. His friend made a joke and he responded with a joke. Obviously it’s not a nice thing to say but I doubt he actually meant anything by it. The ol “younger model” joke has been doing the rounds for years. I doubt many people that have made that joke actually meant it and acted on it.

OldFan · 30/08/2022 00:48

I didn't read it as a joke at all.

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