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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Read something I wish I hadn't

310 replies

whenlifehandsyoulemon · 29/08/2022 18:56

Brief overview

Partner is 8 years younger than me and we have been together 7 years (I am 40 and he is 32)

I've always been in shape and looked after myself, whereas he has been less worried about that, but I've never been bothered as I love him. I just have always loved the gym and feeling good with nice clothes etc.

We have an 18 month old son and I've not been able to obviously do as much taking care of myself as I used to, plus my body has changed post birth, breast feeding etc. so I already feel crap in myself.

Since the baby I feel like he thinks he can get away with saying things about my age etc. even if it's a joke, it still upsets me.

Anyway....

Earlier we had a bit of a disagreement and I went down his phone which I've NEVER done.

He's been messaging a friend of his about a night out and he said 'oh it's grab a granny after, you'll like that'

My partner replied 'I've got a 5 year plan and then I'm moving onto a younger model'

I feel sick. I wish I'd never seen it as I already feel so unattractive.

I don't really know what I want people to say, but I genuinely feel like it's the truth I feel that insecure.

He also hates living where we live and I know he wants to move where all his friends are, but logistically with a child it's just not viable atm, so I think the 5 year plan is the truth.

OP posts:
ScamelaAnderson · 30/08/2022 08:02

Go back to work...you will get the respect you deserve to have
Don't marry him
When he questions anything..tell him you have a 5 year Plan 😌

Ell95 · 30/08/2022 08:05

You should text someone something similar and leave your phone unlocked for him to see. How dare he!

worriedniece · 30/08/2022 08:09

Is he cross at his friend as he started the convo by saying "it's grab a granny" thus trying to make your partner insecure about being with an older woman.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 30/08/2022 08:09

I wouldn't dream of making a comment like that about my partner- because I love her and respect her. He may love you (although I'm not convinced), but certainly doesn't respect you. Move on and find someone who thinks you're wonderful.

sandgrown · 30/08/2022 08:10

It sounds like stupid laddish banter to me . He is probably feeling older too for becoming a father . If you want to try and get back to your old self then do it for you and nobody else. Try and get out and about and meet up with friends . Your partner can care for your baby. It’s good that you have independent money and the option to return to work when you are ready . This gives you the option to leave if the relationship did deteriorate. I probably would not say anything even though it’s difficult. Just monitor the situation.

Subbaxeo · 30/08/2022 08:13

Tbh, in your comments you don’t sound as though you like him that much. Comments how he’s always been the ugly one, how he has poor taste in clothes and didn’t look after himself as opposed to you looking good and having nice taste. Has he picked up on that over the time you’ve been together? If you do love him, have an honest conversation about how you’re feeling.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 30/08/2022 08:26

Pegs11 · 29/08/2022 21:09

You looked at his phone, which means you had a trust issue already... right? That might be even more important than the text you found. So you might want to explore that.

As for his text… I cannot for the life of me fathom why someone would get engaged if they had a five-year plan to leave. This makes me think maybe that part is just stupid banter, and that he doesn’t plan to leave you.

But the “banter” itself isn’t cool, it’s very immature and disrespectful. And the comments he makes to your face are horrific and abusive. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.

Like some other posters have said, I’d be seriously thinking about making your own plan to escape.

Engagement means nothing though to some people.

Original poster
whenlifehandsyoulemon · 30/08/2022 08:28

Oh gosh! Just about to catch up on all over the messages I've had over night and this morning! Ha.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 30/08/2022 08:33

I cannot for the life of me fathom why someone would get engaged if they had a five-year plan to leave.

It may be in someone's best interests financially.

Aikko · 30/08/2022 08:37

"He's been messaging a friend of his about a night out and he said 'oh it's grab a granny after, you'll like that'
My partner replied 'I've got a 5 year plan and then I'm moving onto a younger model'"

Just. wow.
Time to get your ducks in a row and work on your own 'exit plan' I think.
This 'man' is not good for you.

Upsidedownagain · 30/08/2022 08:38

Take the opportunity you still have to go back to work. It won't be there forever as people move on. Perhaps you can negotiate part time work - that's what I did and have never gone back to full time, but kept my senior position and have had promotions since as they know my value.

Do this whatever happens with your relationship. You'll always be in a better position. To me part time meant time with my children AND keeping my professional status and seemed the best of both worlds to me.

I admit I have never hankered to be a SAHP. I know virtually no one who has. They have pretty much all worked from the end of maternity leave either full or part time. Apart from the financial side and the insurance against being potentially controlled by a man, I feel it sets a good role model to children and maintains a positive sense of self - which you have said you are lacking.

Wilma55 · 30/08/2022 08:48

I think it's probably "banter". I'm 3 years older than my oh and he often talks about trading me in for 2 25 year olds. That's to my face though.

I used to live with a guy 10 years younger than me and I gradually felt increasingly insecure and "old" - he did leave for a younger model.

Branleuse · 30/08/2022 08:55

When you do dump his arse, make sure you find a hot even younger man

Wombat27A · 30/08/2022 09:07

ScamelaAnderson · 30/08/2022 08:02

Go back to work...you will get the respect you deserve to have
Don't marry him
When he questions anything..tell him you have a 5 year Plan 😌

This.

Very well put.

Lozzerbmc · 30/08/2022 09:13

I don’t think it is banter- banter is meant to be funny. the 5 -year plan reference is quite specific as well I think. He isnt a nice guy at all.

As others have said return to work ASAP. You could do 4 days a week and still have a day off to be with your son. I did this and it worked really well. You’ve had the best time with him as you have had the baby year and he will need the stimulation of nursery soon anyway.

you can tell him of your 5-year plan which wont include him…

AchatAVendre · 30/08/2022 09:21

Don't marry him. Some men do look for older women (you are not that much older but you get my drift) to provide them with security, including financial security, as "starter wives" and then benefit financially in a divorce (or even inheritance if they are quite a lot older), or even if you buy a house together and are forced to buy them out.

It isn't "just banter". Its clear from what you say that he is undermining your confidence, you don't seem to get on very well and he is demonstrating calculating behaviour. Whatever you do, don't marry him or you might end up paying him maintenance or alternatively, a large final sum settlement once he puts his "five year plan" into action and trades you in.

DeclineandFall · 30/08/2022 09:36

How is he as a Dad? How are you as a family unit?
I realise that you feel you've lost yourself bit- having a baby at nearly 40 and a non sleeper will do that. Been there.
You say that you felt you were always the hotter of the pair of you- the fact that you've had a major change to your life is always going to change the dynamic in your head.
I'm not sure all this advice to work on yourself and go back to work is the most important point. Do you think your relationship will only work if you go back to being the most attractive?
I think he was only joking- his friends were taking the piss out of him and he retaliated.
What he said is not as bad as looking at his phone. But you know that.

MarchMolasses · 30/08/2022 09:40

What exactly does he bring to your table? He's neither use, nor ornament.

As Monica Gellar said, "I don't need an actual man, just a few of his best swimmers".

He is undermining you and belittling you to his friends. He has said he has a 5-year plan.

You'd be mad to marry him. If you are the higher earner, you will have to support him and he will get some of your assets if he goes off with someone younger.

You don't need him. If you want another DC, then have them but don't marry him. I'd be a bit suspicious about his behaviour now.

Thanks for the donation, but you can crack on now you disrespectful, immature, dickhead.

AchatAVendre · 30/08/2022 09:40

DeclineAndFall What he said is not as bad as looking at his phone. But you know that.

What illogical nonsense designed to keep women in their place. The DP's behaviour was concerning, which led the OP to look at his phone.

This woman is considering marriage with this man, which is a considerable investment, both emotionally and financially. Of course she needs as much relevant information as possible prior to making that investment.

MarchMolasses · 30/08/2022 09:42

What he said is not as bad as looking at his phone. But you know that.

I don't think so. My DH looks at my phone all the time. He picks it up, messes around with it, updates stuff, looks at our bank accounts on it. I have nothing to hide, so I don't have an issue with it. Nor do I slag him off to my mates, so he can read all my messages for all I care.

Zumatalaa · 30/08/2022 09:47

adriftabroad · 29/08/2022 20:37

In 10 years you will have a 11/2 year old, you will be 50 and menopausal.
It is a far worse feeling than being sleep deprived with a new baby. Especially if you feel unloved.
He will be 42.

Save yourself right now. Now, now.

I couldn't agree more.

Saw this happen to a friend. She was miserable and it was a very drawn out kind of misery.

Save yourself and your future happiness @whenlifehandsyoulemon

RealBecca · 30/08/2022 09:52

Sounds like his mate was telling him not to be so rude about you.

I mean this politely, but what is the point of gym and nice clothes of they arent actually making you feel good about yourself, as in, actually feeling like you and like you are strong and could walk away if you felt disrespected?

I wouldnt say anything to him. But you say yourself that at one point you felt able and strong enough to leave but now you cant. If leaving is what you want then it gets harder each day you are with him.

Dont mention the text. If you decide to leave, now or when you are in a better space, keep your head high and dump him by telling him you've outgrown him and want more from life than he can offer. Dont walk away in a way that he can make you out to be an insecure screaming banshee, it wont help your self esteem. Leave him questioning his own worth, not yours.

phishy · 30/08/2022 10:10

You won't be able to feel good about yourself whilst this fuckwit is in your life and your home. It will be trying to get out of quicksand.

Just tell him you saw his awful messages and to get the fuck out of your house.

TrashPandas · 30/08/2022 10:12

I don't know how to say these things without sounding arrogant, but for years whether we were with friends or his family, he would always be told he's punching - it's a running joke within his family/friends.

Did you stand up for him when they said that? Told them it's not funny and not true etc?

jennakong · 30/08/2022 10:19

Reading your posts, I just think of the Germaine Greer quote along the lines of 'Women have very little idea of how much men hate them.'

It's a sad fact, but many men are emotionally void scummers who pretend to love or respect women for only as long as they open their legs to them.

End the relationship, or certainly don't marry him (he'll have a claim to half your assets) or have any more children by him (he'll hold you in even more contempt because you'll have less sex, and it'll become overt). There are more decent men out there, but even if you don't find one, you are still better off alone.

Take it from someone who's been there.