Read something I wish I hadn't

[whenlifehandsyoulemon]

Brief overview

Partner is 8 years younger than me and we have been together 7 years (I am 40 and he is 32)

I've always been in shape and looked after myself, whereas he has been less worried about that, but I've never been bothered as I love him. I just have always loved the gym and feeling good with nice clothes etc.

We have an 18 month old son and I've not been able to obviously do as much taking care of myself as I used to, plus my body has changed post birth, breast feeding etc. so I already feel crap in myself.

Since the baby I feel like he thinks he can get away with saying things about my age etc. even if it's a joke, it still upsets me.

Anyway....

Earlier we had a bit of a disagreement and I went down his phone which I've NEVER done.

He's been messaging a friend of his about a night out and he said 'oh it's grab a granny after, you'll like that'

My partner replied 'I've got a 5 year plan and then I'm moving onto a younger model'

I feel sick. I wish I'd never seen it as I already feel so unattractive.

I don't really know what I want people to say, but I genuinely feel like it's the truth I feel that insecure.

He also hates living where we live and I know he wants to move where all his friends are, but logistically with a child it's just not viable atm, so I think the 5 year plan is the truth.

I'm not sure why people are going on about the punching comments when the OP isn't the one saying it. It's hardly justification for him putting her down to her face and behind her back.

One more red flag is wanting to move you away to where his friends are and presumably away from your support networks. Definitely don't do this. It could make you feel even more vulnerable. Funnily enough, my sister's ex was always trying to get her to move away back to his home town too!

In addition to echoing what others have said about his attitude to you, I find it very sad that he has in mind leaving his son at the age of under 7 years old. When you have a baby/toddler, you should be thinking ahead with excitement to how they will grow and become a little person and member of the family, and how you and your partner will grow together as parents. Perhaps planning a sibling. For him to be plotting coldly now to leave the family just to "upgrade to a younger model", or even just joking about it, shows a chilling lack of paternal love. That would be game over for me at that point- cut him loose now while your son is young enough not to remember what it was like to have him around full time.

Ok well then step one is getting your independence back. He's not a tiny baby, you should be able to leave him with his father for a few hours.

There are gentle methods of sleep training and weaning that are worth a try.

Get your confidence back then dump the little prick.

Next time he comes out of the shower have a good look at him, so he sees you, then say you could do with a bit of toning up, getting a bit flabby there. If he says anything , well I've just had a baby what's your excuse.

While snooping is bad I’d be tempted to look again just to see if it is a joke or if there’s more serious chat on that topic.

This!!!!

If you tell him what you read then yes it will be a huge argument that you don't have the energy for. He will turn it around, was just a joke, and he will be the victim because you looked at his phone (classic DARVO). No point.
If you tell him its over now, he will start love bombing because that is not his plan (yet). It will likely suit him more with regards to child access later too, as no chance he will get 50/50 access (and no therefore no child support) with a baby.
I think your plan to focus on yourself and building yourself up to the point where you are strong enough to deal with this is a good idea. Wait until you are ready to deal with this. Start building a wall around you so his nastiness doesn't drag you down. And then when you are strong and ready, deal with it on your own terms.

I would want to read the rest of that conversation to see how it pans out and what else he says, this may give you more of an idea of how serious his comment was (even if it was banter, I think it’s vile and disrespectful). Also, I would want to read previous messages with this person and others to ascertain if he’s spoken about you like this before. Can you do this?

You deserve better than this.

It’s a pretty shitty thing to say even if it is banter…but it could be true!

i would have to confront him

fwiw I am 44 and really do feel I’m struggling to keep looking attractive atm
my dh might not be impressed but I know he’d never, ever say anything either to me or to his friends about it. I’m shocked that he said you need to dye your hair. My dh really couldn’t give a toss and I do have greys all over the place.

I think this is the best advice.
Definitely, don't say anything. There's just no point.

I remember having an 18m old, the lack of sleep, the bf demands... I understand how hard it can be. Just slowly keep getting back on your feet. It does get easier.

Sorry this is happening but he doesn't sound like the right man for you or your child.

Yes this. I left when my daughter was 18 months it was really hard but best decision I ever made. She has no recollection of us together. Even for the first couple of years of coparenting at any opportunity he would have a dig about my age. Like I’m 20 years older. I’m 7 years older. Oh they know when a woman moves into her 40s they might get insecure. That’s not banter it’s emotional abuse .

Even if it was a “joke” 🙄, it’s ear your “partner” doesn’t like or respect you. Don’t think it’s someone worth keeping, find someone more on your level (maybe even better looking 😉).

Is the house in your name or both?

Well, it's certainly not a nice thing to read, but I've got a slightly different take. I think the friend is a POS and was goading your partner, to make himself top dog - maybe because he is jealous of your partner's business. Your partner is very insecure and was stung hard, so went all defiant and macho. Five year plans? The bank probably ask him for five year plans when he gets a loan for the business, and they are all a bit hypothetical, so, might be something, might be nothing, difficult to be sure.

It isn't at all pleasant, but it sounds like both of you have massive self-esteem issues that you could use some help with, individually. So - counselling, makeover for a short term lift, eat well and mindfully, sort out baby and weaning, back to work. Sounds like the nursery fees won't cripple you - so it's just the practicalities. When you are back to the old you, then you can make a better decision what to do longer term.

Why are people calling this potential "banter"? Is it funny to laugh at your partner and the mother of your kids, to joke about leaving them for someone younger? Fucking hilarious!

OP he is a scumbag. I would literally never forgive my DH if he did this. Who gives a flying fuck if you looked at his phone? Good job you did!

I am so angry for you. Honestly I would leave this cretin now.

I too would want to see what conversation follows as from what you have posted, I'm not making much sense of it although the 'trade in'' comment is pretty obvious... sadly.

How close are you to ''his'' friends? Are you included in any friendship get togethers or do you remain a completely separate part of his life? I think if he has compartmentalised you away from the rest of his life, it would be telling to me that are you not part of his future plans.

If you are included in BBQ's etc with the group, do you have any close friendships with the friends partners? Would you even be able to trust any of them if you were to come close to disclosing what you have read on the mobile?

Finally, I would open a separate bank account and start putting money aside. Sure you can go back to work but there is nothing like having a contingency fund. You may need to draw on it for short term accomodation or bond, things along that line.

Good luck.

I think it's a (really shit) banter style joke with the boys type of thing. I don't think there's likely to be an ounce of truth in it but I'd still have to say something him about it because it's just a bit shot really and he needs to apologise to you even if it was a private conversation. He owes you a very sincere apology.

I think at this point what he thinks/says isn’t what you need to focus on. You are right to focus on you and your son, don’t let this time be ruined by concerns about his words vs thoughts etc. make the most of now, focus on finding yourself again, and be ready.

Hope you are ok, my husband is 6 years younger than me and wouldn't dare bring it up. However not for your husband's benefit but to get your old self back maybe start trying to get back to your former self. Motherhood does mean you lose yourself but definitely you ll come out stronger and honestly as they get older you will get that much needed time to yourself. I have three kids from 2 to 7 and i feel slowly im thriving. Be kind to yourself, men I feel will never understand what's its like to breastfeed how constant it is, how much it affects your body etc. After breastfeeding my third I have gown completely flat chested lol. But you are doing amazing now. Slowly a bit of self care, even if 5 minutes a day can mean you can start thinking about getting to the best version of yourself. Even better than the previous one. These years are so hard but in retrospect they fly by fast. Ignore the comments i know its hard but otherwise you re going to seem needy, insecure over emotional. In all honesty as horrible as the comment was I don't think he meant it seriously. Still not acceptable behaviour. Basic respect is a requisite in any relationship and some men I think tend to think well she's not going anywhere with kids / baby but actually they think wrong...you have the means and power to say the way you speak to me is not acceptable. Change it or don't expect a meaningful interaction with me. (sorry for the long essay)

I was married to someone younger. He made a stupid 5 year plan comment.
I was devastated. I thought it was said out of anger as we were arguing.

He was serious. He also wasn't equal in the looks or career. Turns out he was resentful. Immature men can be like that.

I didn't stick around to find out.

OP, you simply must get back to work. Thankfully, it sounds like this is an option. Get in touch with your previous company, get back to work full time. I know you love being with your baby, but this is serious stuff.

Thats so sad how undervalued we put ourselves as Mothers. Mothering IS serious stuff- the neurological development of a baby is very much influenced by its early years and attachment styles literally shape every single relationship a person has- even with themselves. So no mother who enjoys and loves being at home with their child should ever ever feel they “have” to return to full time work when they don’t want to.
@whenlifehandsyoulemon I am so sorry you read that. In all honestly I don’t think that you can avoid acknowledging there are issues in the relationship but I don’t think that means owning up to the message reading. Just take time to say “let’s sit down and discuss our lives and take stock” and see what happens next. FWIW not going out alone etc for 18 months is fine if you’re happy with it. Not losing baby weight or prioritising your looks is also fine if it’s your choice. You are more than your looks or your weight etc. Your values and ideas and all the qualities that make you unique are important, and part of what makes you you is your role as a Mum. It’s all encompassing for a while, and that’s okay. It’s healthy in fact… so don’t feel bad about it. Or blame yourself for your partner being a dickwad.

@whenlifehandsyoulemon the @NancyDrooo idea is genius!

It sounds like you assess each other's worth based on superficial things that other people might notice: Age, weight, style. These are not a firm foundation for a relationship as they can and will change, as your partnership goes on.

You over-compensate for the age gap by telling yourself that you are worthy of a younger man, as you are (or were) attractive, in-shape and well- dressed for a woman at the grand old age of 40. He plays the role of the fat badly dressed one, but that's OK, as he's the toy boy. When the balance is disrupted simply because you gained some baby weight and grey hairs, the power shifts and he enjoys being the "attractive" one. You'll be in real trouble if he starts dressing stylishly. What if he starts wearing smart shoes? Who knows what could happen?

If this is all that was wrong, you could fix this.

That five year plan comment was not spontaneous banter. He will likely do it once he has enough money from his new business. Even if he doesn't do it, then he is deriving great satisfaction from knowing that you are dispensable to him. This "get out of jail free card" will limit your relationship. This is harder to fix, as he is not committed to you for the long-term, even if you do get married.

I'm also curious about "grab a granny?"; does this mean after their night out when they fail to impress the younger lasses, they go and pick up older (possibly less discerning) women for sex? It sounds like this to me. This does not sound good at all.

I think you should reconsider this relationship.

Your child is 18 months old. You should go back to work, as you cannot be sure that you will not be a single parent in the near future.

Totally agree with this.

What a horrible thing to say behind your back.

You are very lucky to find out now, rather than in years and years time, after he has eroded your confidence with his shitty 'jokes'.