Read something I wish I hadn't

[whenlifehandsyoulemon]

Brief overview

Partner is 8 years younger than me and we have been together 7 years (I am 40 and he is 32)

I've always been in shape and looked after myself, whereas he has been less worried about that, but I've never been bothered as I love him. I just have always loved the gym and feeling good with nice clothes etc.

We have an 18 month old son and I've not been able to obviously do as much taking care of myself as I used to, plus my body has changed post birth, breast feeding etc. so I already feel crap in myself.

Since the baby I feel like he thinks he can get away with saying things about my age etc. even if it's a joke, it still upsets me.

Anyway....

Earlier we had a bit of a disagreement and I went down his phone which I've NEVER done.

He's been messaging a friend of his about a night out and he said 'oh it's grab a granny after, you'll like that'

My partner replied 'I've got a 5 year plan and then I'm moving onto a younger model'

I feel sick. I wish I'd never seen it as I already feel so unattractive.

I don't really know what I want people to say, but I genuinely feel like it's the truth I feel that insecure.

He also hates living where we live and I know he wants to move where all his friends are, but logistically with a child it's just not viable atm, so I think the 5 year plan is the truth.

I get that you love being at home but if I’d read that, I’d be going back to work asap. As a first priority before losing weight. And you can go out- if baby doesn’t settle baby’s dad will have to walk around with them surely? Does he not do parenting?

If he says he was only joking, just tell him ypu dont care

Sadly I think the age difference is catching up with you two and there is no happy ending there.
Your bf was only 25 when you met. And he clearly was shy and lacked self confidence. Being with you propped him up, in many ways, I am guessing.
Now he grew up and matured, and, became more confident. And he doesn’t need you to carry him, Hence - he has an exit plan.
I am sorry. It’s not fair but it is what is going on.

I would not be marrying him. And I’d be preparing a must faster exit,
on my terms.

He definitely hasn't grown up. He's emotionally abusive. There is no universe in which it is ok to put the mother of your child and your partner down to your friends.

Exactly. Some started extrapolating after misreading something which isn’t even helpful.

Besides, I think any kind of “banter” or “joke” at someone else’s expense, especially about their appearance and age etc. is just at best negging or at worst emotional abuse, and neither are justifiable just because the OP’s partner’s immature friends make jokey comments about “punching” and ageist comments and whatnot.

Clearly OP needs to work on her self-esteem and boundaries and needs to reestablish her identity beyond that of a mum, and the sooner the better. Financial independence will give you more stability and time with your little one even though it won’t look like it at first on the outset. It will help pay for not just the nursery fees, but also play activities, travels etc.

Going back to the gym or even working out at home if going to the gym isn’t feasible yet without some kind of childcare support. Also, it’s important to get real-life support beyond mutual friends who may take sides in the eventuality of a separation.

Give yourself 6-12 months to get healthy and fit and most importantly return to work at least part-time. If you have a supportive work environment, they may also help with flexible working hours when you want to go back to full-time.

This age gap nonsense has to stop. No one says anything if it’s the other way around and the guy is 40 and the woman is 32, so why is it such an issue the other way around?

I agree with the part of the contingency fund and having a separate bank account.

But sharing what you’ve read to his friends’ partners even if you are close? Do not do this. It would be unwise to divulge personal information to his friends’ partners unless you actually want it to get back to your partner.

His friends are just that, his friends. Yes, it’s important to be a part of some get-togethers and you shouldn’t be completely separate part of his life, but part of having your own identity is to also have your own friends beyond your relationship. You do not need to rely on his friends’ sympathy and compassion or that of his friends’ partners. You need your own support network preferably without mutual connections.

Oh great. That's ok then. 😒🤔

Honestly. He's not 12, he's 32. Disrespecting your partner - especially the mother of your child - is not a joke.

OP - I genuinely do not know how you could continue a relationship with him after this. It's vile.

He would know I'd looked as the phone flew across the room aimed at his face !

@whenlifehandsyoulemon

omg get away from this person!!!!!

@whenlifehandsyoulemon you have enough to go on without telling him you read his phone. He is treating you badly. Don't stand for it. Next time he criticises you point out that you have had his baby and have other things to think about than just looking good, but what's his excuse?

If you want a night out, express some milk and go for it. It's his problem if baby fusses whole you're out. He's the parent too.

Explain to him that you are not happy with how rude he is being to you, especially since he doesn't exactly take care of himself, and that if it doesn't stop he is out.

You said he’s recently started a business which is becoming successful. As the current SAHP are you facilitating this by looking after the baby and home and all he has to do is work and build his business? I’d see this text as a gift. If you had never read it you would continue to put up with the ‘banter’ your self esteem forever going down whilst doing the lion’s share of ‘home life’ even if you go back part time - which you mentioned was a plan. Your career would suffer, your pension would suffer all the while his business is growing and his self esteem is going through the roof! You don’t have to make any big decisions now, but I would start to plan in readdressing the balance of parenting. Readdressing the dynamics of the relationship with more time for you, more self care - get those grey roots sorted - and regain the pride in yourself and your achievements that he’s eroded with his constant ‘banter’. If you continue you as you are you will be even more in f a shell of yourself in 5 years time. He will have squirrelled away business assets and will try to take you to the cleaners and you won’t have the energy to fight him. You have knowledge now about what he truly thinks of you. Once you recover from the hurt and the shock, start working towards your own five year plan that could still involve him, but as an equal partner. Good luck OP. You’ve seen what’s in the crystal ball - use it to your advantage.

What he said was horrible. I would feel like you. But - going against the grain - you have said many times that everyone tells him he was “punching”, that you were the one who compromised on looks. Maybe the “beauty and the beast” dynamic has been important to both of you. It might be a chance to reset and put different priorities at the front of your relationship which will make you both happier in the long term. Or he might be a Grade A prick and when you said those things that was just you lashing out because you are hurt. Only you know! Good luck.

@whenlifehandsyoulemon, your ‘Partner’ is treating you with utter contempt. Why on earth are you tolerating this?

He is mocking you with his friend. It’s possible that the friend has already shared P’s appalling comments with his fiancée. He clearly enjoys keeping you on the back foot by negging your body and clothes.

I wouldn’t stick around for more of his devaluation. There’s no way that I would subject my child to that destructive dynamic.

OP, I feel.for you. What a negging arsehole this guy is. He has done a number on you.

I agree with other PP. This is a gift. Get your self and your body back, your job back, your self esteem back. Having a baby is hard, in unexpected ways. You jeed support not cutting down.

You will come to see the message as a gift. In time.

Now you know what he thinks of you. Now you know his plan. No it is not banter, there is more than a grain of truth in that message op and you know it.

Time for you to quietly line up your own life starting with a separate bank account, a return to work, and a plan B. This man is going to let you down in spectacular fashion in the near future, don't let him ruin you. You have been given the heads up - by pure chance - to prepare for what is to come.

I would also organise some counselling, so you can get some support whilst you come to terms with this betrayal and the reality of your relationship. And RL support from those closest to you that can be 1000% trusted to confide in, and they can help you come to terms with a different future than the one you had planned.

This is not a joke, nor banter. There is a ring of truth to the message that even I can't get past and I don't even know you/him. Please plan carefully so you do not invest any more time, effort, resources into a man that ultimately used you as a spring board to launch his own life more successfully than he otherwise would have managed. I am so sorry he has let you down so badly.

The issue is not about how either of you look. This can't be resolved with you losing weight or changing your hair. Please don't.
The issue is that he doesn't respect you.

I’m so sorry OP but he sounds absolutely horrid, my DH wouldn’t ever dream of commenting on my physical features even as a joke! I have been suicidal over the way I look so it would be a deal breaker for me and I’d be walking away from the relationship. I’m in my early 30s and I know a few couples who have a similar age gap to you and your partner but when I first met them I wouldn’t have even known one was older than the other.

I think when you are ready you need to have words with him as it’s no longer a joke if it’s affecting your self esteem and mental health.
You have to prioritise yourself and your child and do you really want your child growing up thinking it’s ok to make jokes about how someone looks?

Tell him you've decided to go back to work in x months and you've reconsidered the engagement as marriage isn't in your 5 year plan for now. Wrong foot the disrespectful bastard.

Sounds like he's pretty unpleasant all of the time, it has nothing to do with your age or body shape. His friend sounds awful too. Regardless of I t being laddish banter, an emotionally mature adult, who cares about his partner, wouldn't talk about her like that, and pull up people who did. There's lots of ways to have laddish banter without it being directly aimed at anyone or being just plain nasty.

I agree with a pp that he feels the balance of power has shifted now you're a sahp. Lots of men think that just because they are the main earner, they have the right to treat their partner differently, as a lesser person, they don't!

In your shoes op I'd gather your thoughts and see if you could go back to work, either full or part time. I'd also sit him down and have a good, frank conversation about the way he talks to and about you (you don't have to mention the phone), if he tries to brush it off as a joke, make it clear it's not funny, and if he does it again you'll take it to mean that he has no regard for you. If he's concerned about your weight, mental health etc he should have a conversation with you.

Who would benefit from marriage? Do you own your home?

What a horrible comment, I would have your own 5 minute plan which involves asking him to leave. He comes across as a total loser as well as his friend. Seriously I actually kind of feel sorry for people who are so pathetic with this kind of attitude. The fact he comments with a friend about you like that is awful. The age gap is really nothing not that its the point though!

First and foremost you need to talk about it. Having your own plans in place mean nothing if you are living with this knowledge and carrying on as normal. That's not going to do anyone any good.

It may be something you choose to forgive/resolve. It may be the end of the relationship. Randoms on the internet can't choose for you. Only you should be making that choice.

You could tell him your 7 year plan is now up, and you are moving onto a younger model?! How disrespectful. I am so sorry you have been so hurt by such nasty criticism.

Sorry to hear you are going through this OP. When you are used to having a top job, wearing nice clothes, heals and makeup with a decent watch and bag, sashaying down Liverpool Street, it is hard to feel good about yourself when you stink of baby sick and haven't had a shower for 2 days. I know, I have been there.

I too have a DP(H) who is younger than me. It is not as much, 3 years, but groan......., I have never had a day go by when it has not been brought up. I constantly get ribbed about being an OAP, do I need a blue badge, if there is a historic place on the TV or someone in a costume drama, it is my era apparently. Ha ha, lol.....not. Even my DC join in now. Also, my DH's sister, who is 5 years younger than me tells me constantly that she is much younger than me, and she is only XX years old.

It used to bother me, but it doesn't now, and here is why. I know there are more important things in life going on, and I am not actually that vain usually, but here's why. I am early 50's but everyone thinks I am loads younger. I have been asked if I am as young as 36. Yesterday someone who is in their 50's thought I was about 40. I don't dress young, or have botox or anything. I notice that all my older siblings look loads younger than their partners. Everyone thinks my DH is older than me, and thinks my SIL is older than my DH. This makes me chuckle. My SIL may have a more recent birth certificate than me, but she is the one with Type 2 diabetes, varicose veins, a dusty gym card and the one who dresses like Princess Anne. Nasty from me, but she has been catty to me for many years.

When I have felt crap in the past I have made an effort for myself, not for anyone else. If your DH isn't that attractive, and doesn't take care of himself, he will soon be 40 looking 55. Men don't have the tools available to them to tweak things like we do. Often they have to just let baldness and greys take over. Whereas I know many women who are timeless. Their age is irrelevant because when they walk into a room everyone looks at how fabulous they are. I was talking to someone the other day who I thought was about 44. She always looks fabulous. She told me she was 56.