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Original poster

OLD - why’s it so much bloody easier for men?

255 replies

Olivemitteridge · 29/08/2022 16:23

More of a vent really, but a male friend of mine (we used to date but have been friends for a few years) has just told me he’s met someone.
He apparently signed up, and within a week, he’s met someone he likes and they’re now dating.

In contrast, I’ve been doing OLD on and off for 2 years, have probably had around 40 to 50 dates in that time, and although I’ve met some nice enough me, no spark and only a couple of second dates which came to nothing - one I realised I wasn’t keen and the other one ghosted me!

For context, we’re in our 50s, and he is very choosy, educated, attractive but quite set in his ways. So, he wouldn’t be just going for anyone, if that makes sense. He’s unlikely to go for someone younger either - he’ll be looking for someone similar to him, in their mid-50s.

It really feels unfair.

I am actually quite upset about it as I’d really like to meet someone and the choice seems so dire in my age group.

How do I stop feeling bitter?? Only half joking..,

OP posts:
Cherchezlaspice · 31/08/2022 21:54

You’re talking about how you get/got so few matches, claim you hadn’t set your age parameters ‘that much younger’, then state you’d set said parameters almost a decade younger and merely two years older. That’s much younger. I’m asking why?

‘Well, I’ve seen women with XX criteria, as well’ isn’t an answer.

Lots of posters on here have stated that the chief issue with OLD is older men with unrealistic expectations chasing after younger women. You seem wholly unaware that you’re who they’re talking about.

ReneBumsWombats · 31/08/2022 22:03

Your preferences are what they are, GroundSand, and you're perfectly entitled to have them. What I find a bit off-putting is your lack of self awareness about them. You seem to think you're less shallow than most OLD men (you take time with profiles etc) but you're still interested in women up to eight years younger yet only three years older, and you had to be pushed on this to be honest about your reasons for it.

J0y · 31/08/2022 22:09

yes, it's interesting, men see ''I had no success with women 8 years younger than I am'' as OLD being just as hard for men.

I was reluctantly looking at men 5 years OLDER at one point and still having no luck.

I did meet a few and they'd lied about their age and were a decade older so I felt no chemistry et cetera

I think men think women are being awkward or fussy or realistic when they feel no chemistry but there's nothing worse than being in a relationship with a man you feel disinclined to have sex with. It happened to me once. I know, I know, how does that ''happen''. I allowed it to happen. Never again.

There just has to be chemistry. You have to feel you would want to have sex with that man.

And women are perhaps fussier. But that's not awkwardness or fussiness. It's projected on to us that if only we'd just accept older plumper balder red faced men ten years our senior then of course we'd find love! What's the point dating somebody that you just know you're going to have no desire to have sex with? That is not what men want either.

TorviShieldMaiden · 31/08/2022 22:21

I would never imagine that a man 8 years younger than me had any interest in me. I went 2-3 years younger. But I went 10 years older. Maybe that says a lot for the male/female difference.

LittleFluffyCloudz · 31/08/2022 22:24

My age range is set 5 years either side of mine. I don't have a great deal in common with men over 50 or under 40.

TorviShieldMaiden · 31/08/2022 22:24

larkstar · 31/08/2022 19:05

Maybe he has written a better profile in the sense that it does a better job of attracting the right kind of interest - maybe he has a clearer idea of what he is and is not looking for and has expressed that well in his profile.

You say he is choosy and set in his ways but maybe that actually represents a relatively small set of non-negotiables or strong preferences - maybe he is quite indifferent to a lot of other things - so long as his top preferences are met in to some good measure.

I also think that defining your preferences, on some issues, can be rather meaningless - my preferences would be for a creative person, who read a lot, a musician, singer, composer, songwriter, playwright, painter, potter, etc - an atheist, someone who likes to do something sporty - my lovely partner of 48 years is none of these things - it actually doesn't matter as much in reality as many other things - some things would be a non-negotiable with me - no smoking, drugs for instance - but I have a partner who supports/allows/understands/doesn't object to me to doing creative things and building friendships with similar people - but none I have ever met are the kinds of people I would ever have wanted a relation with - because other qualities actually turn out to me far more important in our relationship - I suppose I'm just trying to say that "preferences" shouldn't carry too much weight - you have to know what really matters and what really makes no difference. HTH

I really agree with this. Me and DP don’t necessarily have as much in common ‘on paper’ as some other matches I had. But as soon as we met there was chemistry. We have enough in common, values etc that it works. But there were other dates that I might have thought would be better in line with my preferences.

I thought I’d meet him and that would be it. But although it sounds horribly cheesy, there was something about him. And that was it. Maybe that’s the problem with OLD, you can be too over selective, without real life chemistry.

J0y · 31/08/2022 23:13

Yeh, speed dating would be better, you'd just think oh he was funny, he nodded at the right moment, he got why that mattered. And he wouldn't be immediately aware you were two years older and ruling you out if you were actually laughing at his story about the time....

plinkypots · 31/08/2022 23:50

OLD is dire and I think it's the reason a lot of people end up in exit affairs.

Cherchezlaspice · 31/08/2022 23:53

I don’t think anyone ‘ends up’ in any sort of affair. And it’s certainly not due to any factor external to themselves. The reason people have affairs is because they want to have said affairs.

GroundSand32 · 01/09/2022 00:09

Cherchezlaspice · 31/08/2022 21:54

You’re talking about how you get/got so few matches, claim you hadn’t set your age parameters ‘that much younger’, then state you’d set said parameters almost a decade younger and merely two years older. That’s much younger. I’m asking why?

‘Well, I’ve seen women with XX criteria, as well’ isn’t an answer.

Lots of posters on here have stated that the chief issue with OLD is older men with unrealistic expectations chasing after younger women. You seem wholly unaware that you’re who they’re talking about.

Thanks Cherchez (and Rene), I'm open to the challenge. This has been an interesting first go at posting; I set out to give a male perspective in case it was helpful, on why it might be harder for women (which I agree with) in response to the OP's original question. Probably speaks volumes that I didn't see that the take home from my OP would be my age range, coming!

You're right, I hadn't ever seen myself as part of a/the problem so given me pause for thought I came across that way.

Why choose the age range? I set out to look 2-3 yrs either side (hopefully reasonable?). But that felt like a small range, and maybe ten yrs would be better. You're dead right, I then chose to add all 5 extra years to the younger end, not half and half. Absolutely for shallow reasons.

I didn't expect much to come from it, and that was proved correct when most of my OD experience and compatibility definitely came from a couple of years either side. Which I expected and wanted. But I did have occasional matches and great dates with the younger end, so it wasn't totally unrealistic. One relationship wouldn't have happened without it.

So perhaps it's more that I missed out on some wonderful people beyond the upper limit. I'd accept that and I know it wouldn't be a barrier if I clicked with someone irl. Nor was it a barrier on OLD when I was approached on occasion by someone older. So why make it a preference? Something to reflect on.

Mentioning the female height preference in the reverse was because that's the main preference women often have, that's closest to the age preference of men in terms of being the one that each sex on the receiving end dislikes most (and that is basically for physical/shallow reasons). It doesn't make ether right, and I was just getting defensive (Not grinding an axe - I'm tall).

My first post in response to the OP's question (in case helpful) was meant to be: Here's some areas I found harder and having spoken to (male) friends, they may be the main challenges for men. They were true across the board, regardless of age btw. But also here's what I found easier. And overall, I think it is harder for women and some reasons why that seems to be based on what my female friends doing OLD chat about.

All that got lost by the age thing, but I've enjoyed being made to think more about that. Hopefully I'll be brave enough to try posting again sometime!

Kashmirsilver · 01/09/2022 00:13

Otterhound · 31/08/2022 12:03

The only angry replies i got were when a women would ask my height saying dont bother if you’re under 6ft and I’d reply 6.5 but i dont date women under 5.8.
there were some where i’d look at the photo’s/profile and wonder what exactly do you have to offer the tall handsome multi millionaire you are seeking?

and yes there are plenty of 50 something pot bellied pig eyed potato men but for everyone of them there is a 50 something woman with bingo wings, cankles with stretch marks/cellulite thrown in for good measure.

so i think old is equally full of great people and some absolute muppets regardless of sex

50 something.
More like 30 something.
🤣🤣

Kanaloa · 01/09/2022 03:15

Why rule out 35 when you're 40?

Why rule out 45 when you’re 40? I think that poster was just pointed out the obvious - if you don’t want to date women nearly 10 years older than you then (for the same reason) women nearly 10 years younger don’t want to date you!

5128gap · 01/09/2022 06:47

GroundSand32 · 01/09/2022 00:09

Thanks Cherchez (and Rene), I'm open to the challenge. This has been an interesting first go at posting; I set out to give a male perspective in case it was helpful, on why it might be harder for women (which I agree with) in response to the OP's original question. Probably speaks volumes that I didn't see that the take home from my OP would be my age range, coming!

You're right, I hadn't ever seen myself as part of a/the problem so given me pause for thought I came across that way.

Why choose the age range? I set out to look 2-3 yrs either side (hopefully reasonable?). But that felt like a small range, and maybe ten yrs would be better. You're dead right, I then chose to add all 5 extra years to the younger end, not half and half. Absolutely for shallow reasons.

I didn't expect much to come from it, and that was proved correct when most of my OD experience and compatibility definitely came from a couple of years either side. Which I expected and wanted. But I did have occasional matches and great dates with the younger end, so it wasn't totally unrealistic. One relationship wouldn't have happened without it.

So perhaps it's more that I missed out on some wonderful people beyond the upper limit. I'd accept that and I know it wouldn't be a barrier if I clicked with someone irl. Nor was it a barrier on OLD when I was approached on occasion by someone older. So why make it a preference? Something to reflect on.

Mentioning the female height preference in the reverse was because that's the main preference women often have, that's closest to the age preference of men in terms of being the one that each sex on the receiving end dislikes most (and that is basically for physical/shallow reasons). It doesn't make ether right, and I was just getting defensive (Not grinding an axe - I'm tall).

My first post in response to the OP's question (in case helpful) was meant to be: Here's some areas I found harder and having spoken to (male) friends, they may be the main challenges for men. They were true across the board, regardless of age btw. But also here's what I found easier. And overall, I think it is harder for women and some reasons why that seems to be based on what my female friends doing OLD chat about.

All that got lost by the age thing, but I've enjoyed being made to think more about that. Hopefully I'll be brave enough to try posting again sometime!

Show quote history

Selecting out on the basis of age is not a great comparable to selecting out on height. Height is a clear objective physical characteristic that may make a person less attractive to some.
If a man is 5' 6" we know what that looks like. If we don't consider that attractive then so be it.
The same cannot be said for 38, 45, 57 so the decision you're not going to like what that looks like is based on negative assumptions and stereotypes.

Joey69 · 01/09/2022 07:18

5128gap · 01/09/2022 06:47

Selecting out on the basis of age is not a great comparable to selecting out on height. Height is a clear objective physical characteristic that may make a person less attractive to some.
If a man is 5' 6" we know what that looks like. If we don't consider that attractive then so be it.
The same cannot be said for 38, 45, 57 so the decision you're not going to like what that looks like is based on negative assumptions and stereotypes.

Show quote history

@5128gap i read this as absolute double standards , and a very poor attempt to justify it.
all this thread you have condemned older men and even advised the OP to go for a younger man, and here you are desperately trying to say the age is not comparable to height to defend your position, the 2 are absolutely comparable, you yourself complain bitterly about older men and have often told women to go for younger men as they are more desirable,
I call absolute double standards on you.
if the guy wants to go for a younger woman that his choice, if a woman only wants to date a 6ft man, that’s her choice, but don’t somehow dance around a pretend it’s not to try and justify why it’s okay for one gender to do something, but not okay for the other

5128gap · 01/09/2022 07:34

Joey69 · 01/09/2022 07:18

@5128gap i read this as absolute double standards , and a very poor attempt to justify it.
all this thread you have condemned older men and even advised the OP to go for a younger man, and here you are desperately trying to say the age is not comparable to height to defend your position, the 2 are absolutely comparable, you yourself complain bitterly about older men and have often told women to go for younger men as they are more desirable,
I call absolute double standards on you.
if the guy wants to go for a younger woman that his choice, if a woman only wants to date a 6ft man, that’s her choice, but don’t somehow dance around a pretend it’s not to try and justify why it’s okay for one gender to do something, but not okay for the other

Show quote history

The comments about the older men on OLD made by me and others are based on having seen them on there. The poster selecting an age range that excludes women over a certain has not. He has selected based on an assumption.
I'm not desperately saying age is not comparable to height. I'm calmly pointing out it's not. The 6' man we find desirable is not going to shrink to 5' 6" in the next decade and have us looking for a taller model after all.
I'm not bitter about older men at all, my partner is younger, it works, so yes, I'd recommend other women consider younger men rather than older, given their expressed disappointment with the selection of older men on offer.
As for double standards, frankly I couldn't care less. And unless you think the opinion of one woman on MN represents a threat to the fortunate position occupied by men in pretty much every arena, neither should you.

Antarcticant · 01/09/2022 07:37

I find it interesting that the male pp was taking it so much for granted to skew age preferences to younger that it didn't even register with him until it was pointed out here. I know he's taken that on board now - not having a pop at him - I just find it interesting.

It's a long, long time since I did OLD but I by default set the same range either side of my age (and, as time went on, increasingly widened it in my desperation to find any decent man). I met three men - two of them didn't fancy me when we met ('no chemistry) and the third ghosted me for about 2 months and by the time he got back in touch I'd already started seeing the man I'm now married to, who I met 'in real life'.

I've never cared about a man's height - it wouldn't bother me if a man was shorter than me!

Weight seems the other big one for men. It used to amuse me that some were very upfront ('no larger than size 8') and others tried to gloss over it ('body-aware woman' 'woman who likes to keep herself fit' etc.). Of course they are entitled not to fancy bigger women, but some of them were fat themselves - lots of double-standards!

Sally2791 · 01/09/2022 07:39

I’m not sure that I agree it’s easier for men, I think both sexes need to be honest and realistic about what they’re looking for, have some strict boundaries but keep some preferences flexible. Be aware that there are lots of chancers out there, don’t believe much of what they say online, meet up safely fairly soon and judge from there. It can only really be easier for men if they are less picky. I imagine they don’t get the barrage of inappropriate messages/images that women do.

ReneBumsWombats · 01/09/2022 08:35

It's a bit dated by now and it's US-based, but this is an interesting (and funny!) blog about OLD. The author is a man but he takes lots of contributions and the commenters are a fair mix, so it's probably a pretty fair assessment of what it's like for men and women (I don't think it covers gay or bi dating).

It did make me feel bad for shorter men. I think they might have the worst luck of the lot.

Joey69 · 01/09/2022 08:38

5128gap · 01/09/2022 07:34

The comments about the older men on OLD made by me and others are based on having seen them on there. The poster selecting an age range that excludes women over a certain has not. He has selected based on an assumption.
I'm not desperately saying age is not comparable to height. I'm calmly pointing out it's not. The 6' man we find desirable is not going to shrink to 5' 6" in the next decade and have us looking for a taller model after all.
I'm not bitter about older men at all, my partner is younger, it works, so yes, I'd recommend other women consider younger men rather than older, given their expressed disappointment with the selection of older men on offer.
As for double standards, frankly I couldn't care less. And unless you think the opinion of one woman on MN represents a threat to the fortunate position occupied by men in pretty much every arena, neither should you.

Show quote history

I’m calmly pointing out its exactly the same, if a woman only wants to date men over a certain height, that’s her choice, if she misses out on her perfect man, that’s tough on her, but that was her choice.
if a man only wants to date up a certain age, that’s his choice and he misses out on the perfect women, that’s tough on him, but that was his choice.

exactly the same, you are simply trying to defend your double standards because it doesn’t fit your narrative.

TorviShieldMaiden · 01/09/2022 08:54

I defined age based on compatibility with where you are in life. I purposely didn’t want men too much younger in case they still wanted more children. I definitely don’t. Hence why I went much older, but not much younger.

Nothing vain about it.

LittleFluffyCloudz · 01/09/2022 08:57

Kanaloa · 01/09/2022 03:15

Why rule out 35 when you're 40?

Why rule out 45 when you’re 40? I think that poster was just pointed out the obvious - if you don’t want to date women nearly 10 years older than you then (for the same reason) women nearly 10 years younger don’t want to date you!

Exactly! A lot of men don't seem to grasp this.

There have been some lovely men posting on this thread and I enjoyed hearing about it from their side and having a laugh about it. Good (or bad) to hear that a lot of the issues women have with OLD are the same ones that men have.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow
@DillonPanthersTexas
@FloydPepper

DillonPanthersTexas · 01/09/2022 10:09

Kanaloa · Today 03:15

Why rule out 45 when you’re 40? I think that poster was just pointed out the obvious - if you don’t want to date women nearly 10 years older than you then (for the same reason) women nearly 10 years younger don’t want to date you!

While I appreciate this is anecdotal, bit I knew plenty of women in my 20s who were more then happy to date older 40something men. These guys were not 'potbellied potatoes' but decent looking, relatively in shape and well into their careers. While these friends of mine talked a good game about liking the maturity and intelligence that these men brought to the relationship I am sure the fine dining, designer gifts and city breaks around Europe had nothing to do with it.

LittleFluffyCloudz · 01/09/2022 10:16

While I appreciate this is anecdotal, bit I knew plenty of women in my 20s who were more then happy to date older 40something men. These guys were not 'potbellied potatoes' but decent looking, relatively in shape and well into their careers. While these friends of mine talked a good game about liking the maturity and intelligence that these men brought to the relationship I am sure the fine dining, designer gifts and city breaks around Europe had nothing to do with it.

Attractive, wealthy, older men can pull younger women. Most older men aren't attractive and / or wealthy though. Particularly the older men on OLD sites.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 01/09/2022 10:20

Why rule out 45 when you’re 40? I think that poster was just pointed out the obvious - if you don’t want to date women nearly 10 years older than you then (for the same reason) women nearly 10 years younger don’t want to date you!

i was 50 when on OLD, my age filter was +/- 5 yrs, so about 45 to 55, the younger women were not interested, but I got more interest from the over 50 age group & was contacted by a few slightly older ladies ( I think the oldest was 60 ),
so are the slightly older ladies looking for slightly younger men ?
BTW , I’m 52 now 53 soon and seeing 51 yr old woman ( not via old)

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 01/09/2022 10:21

Most older men aren't attractive and / or wealthy though

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