OLD - why’s it so much bloody easier for men?

[Olivemitteridge]

More of a vent really, but a male friend of mine (we used to date but have been friends for a few years) has just told me he’s met someone.
He apparently signed up, and within a week, he’s met someone he likes and they’re now dating.

In contrast, I’ve been doing OLD on and off for 2 years, have probably had around 40 to 50 dates in that time, and although I’ve met some nice enough me, no spark and only a couple of second dates which came to nothing - one I realised I wasn’t keen and the other one ghosted me!

For context, we’re in our 50s, and he is very choosy, educated, attractive but quite set in his ways. So, he wouldn’t be just going for anyone, if that makes sense. He’s unlikely to go for someone younger either - he’ll be looking for someone similar to him, in their mid-50s.

It really feels unfair.

I am actually quite upset about it as I’d really like to meet someone and the choice seems so dire in my age group.

How do I stop feeling bitter?? Only half joking..,

everyone else fancied the boys at school! Looking round at friends and acquaintances my age they all have a partner within 1-3 years of themselves.

Where do you get that from?

Huh?

That's an odd way to look at it. It's the women who dictate who they go out with - they do have agency! Most of my friends would have loved to go out with them but they chose older which they have the right to do.

I think it's largely because men and women date and get into relationships for the wrong reasons. Apparently physical attraction to your partner is the worse predictor of how happy you will be in a long term relationship yet people prioritise looks above all else. We self sabotage ourselves.

yet people prioritise looks above all else.

We do?

When I was 16, there was nothing my friends and I would have liked more than a boyfriend with a job and a car. To be taken to pubs and clubs ( no ID in those days) rather than hanging round in the park with the boys our own age. We fancied ourselves as very sophisticated and grown up.
What do you make of the 24 year old man who dated my friend?

Perhaps not just looks. People tend to date people they find attractive (looks) but also who they have fun with. Then marriage and children and you find the man you married because he was lots of fun doesn't want to stay in and watch Corrie after putting the kids to bed and you get annoyed he's out having fun.

I suspect women tend to want someone to have fun with then someone to raise kids with and finally someone to grow old with. Your doing well if you get all three in one person. Sadly reading on here I think some women want person 2 and actually go for another person 1 again because he's fun.

I suspect women tend to want someone to have fun with then someone to raise kids with and finally someone to grow old with.

You mean, someone who adapts as they mature and life changes rather than someone who thinks they're 20 forever? And that's not something men want? They want a woman who never stops being a party girl even when she's got two kids, or is drawing a pension?

It was Mohammed Ali who said that a man who was the same person at 50 as he was at 20 had wasted 30 years of his life.

I've heard that theory before that women need three different relationships for their different life stages. It strikes me as unfortunate that its deemed necessary for three different men to do the job of one. Surely there are men who can be both fun and responsible, can both stay in or go out as the situation dictates? Have personality and tastes that are more than the one dimensional clown, father, companion?

I don't see what's so unreasonable about wanting someone whose company you enjoy, who is also a committed co-parent and continues to be good company after the kids have flown the nest. Assuming you had these discussions and both wanted kids etc, why is that so wrong? Do men who want families not want the same thing? Do they not expect women to adapt as life goes on?

Do men who want families not want the same thing?

A lot do and have long and happy relationships. We've been together for a long time and while its not always been easy we'll be together till one of us drops. Sadly reading on mumsnet lots of people find themselves marrying men who aren't that bothered especially when they're younger. Even worse when they make the same mistake again. In some ways its a bit of a lottery none of us really know how our partner will change just as he doesn't know how we'll change. I think we need to make a positive effort to grow and change together, we took an interest in each others work and friends, when trying new interests we did them together often. If you don't make that effort you find yourself living with someone you have little in common with any more.

In the case of a man who wants to stay exactly the same after having kids and growing older, who is failing to make the effort as per your last sentence?

Indeed but why did you marry him? Because he was fun before you had kids and you assumed he'd change? He doesn't need to, increasingly relationships are disposable, swipe right try again.

Er, because I loved him and he loved me. And we've got two kids and are doing all right so far. Never thought of it as "him changing" as much as both of us growing together in our shared life. I'm not the same person I was at 21 and I never expected to be. Did you?

Your approach to this, and your anger at the idea that a man and father shouldn't undergo any kind of growth throughout his changing life is really, really telling.

It’s the same way of looking at it - my experience is we don’t know any men who sleep with teenagers. So it’s not common in our circles to have teenagers with adult boyfriends.

And what do you mean ‘it’s the women who choose?’ Do the adult men not choose to seek out teen girls to have sex with? Or are all these teen girls you know who sleep with adult men forcing the men into the relationships?

This is the ideal. Unfortunately, for me, the growing up didn't happen and I'm now single at 43 with a small DD.

Not sure how to articulate what I'm looking for but it's not what the poster promoting the swinging website below thinks 😂.

It's a bit strange because I have a 3 year old but I don't want a co parent as DD already has a dad. I'd probably like someone about my age, who doesn't want more kids, maybe kids the same age as DD. Id like to date, do fun stuff but it's the adult male companionship that I miss.

The vast majority do yes and it's getting worse with online dating as there is very little else you can go off of.

It carries on beyond school though in my experience in terms of preferring to date older (until perhaps mid 30s and beyond).

The man was 24 and your friend was 16? Whilst legal I'd think poorly of the man tbh. 18 and 24 would be ok but 16 and 24 gives me the ick tbh.

Adult men and teenagers makes it sound more extreme than it was. It was typically 16 year old girls would date 18 year old boys or 18 year old women would date 21 year old men.

By women choosing I mean most men are the pursuers and women the choosers.

Adult men who specifically seek out teenager girls are creepy at best.and aren't what I was talking about with my originally comment (30-45 men dating 20-25 year women).

I think generalised OLD in its current form may have had it's day. Maybe more and more segmentation is going to happen?
There are obviously lots of websites catering for casual sex - but none really catering for those of us that consider ourselves 'normal' and looking for longer term connections. Obviously there is no guarantee, but just to start off feeling you weren't being bullshitted for for sex would be nice as a women (as lots of guys pretend they are interested in relationships when really they just want a bonk and more on).

I think OLD can be equally poor for both sides. (From a male's perspective) i've been on 3 first dates with 1 leading to a slightly longer term relationship of 3 months that fizzed in the end as the chemistry just wasn't there but we remain good friends. The dates themselves were all with normal people and we had a fun time, though I am quite picky on who I swipe on. The impression I get is from using the app myself and from what my dates have told me, is that it can be much harder for men to get matches, whilst for women I'd imagine it can be quite difficult finding something real and being valued versus getting 200 likes just because you have female genitalia.

I feel like blaming my gender for this and whilst they are certainly culpable at the same time if its 85% men compared to 15% women on the app in the first place I guess there's going to be a massive disparity full of guys who just want to meet someone (for sex or companionship).

However I do feel that a lot of men are very poor at presenting their 'best self' on the app as well. I mean women are like this too (to the poster who asked before yes there are loads of 'angry' profiles), but with so much more men to pick from I guess its less of an issue. I see loads of handsome, well spoken guys (at least via posts on reddit) with absolutely terrible pictures and awful bios that do absolutely nothing for them. And actually they are not even neutral photos but they seem to pick the ones that would absolutely turn people off rather than even be middling.

I also do wonder if women (and men) say its easier to meet someone in real life because its somewhat attractive in and of itself to be pursued, added to the fact that you are judging the person based on more than some terrible photos and awful pickup or generic intro line. As for myself, as someone who was never good at picking people up in bars but isn't too bad looking and has some text game, matching where I know for sure there is some initial attraction has helped me meet some amazing women and its certainly been a worthwhile experience for me overall. Apart from getting ghosted by a primary school teacher I was super into. Damn you Charlotte :D

Many 20 year old women of my acquaintance find approaches from 30+ men pretty creepy tbh.
As for 20-25 year old women dating 45 year old men; aside from the occasional 'accidental' age gap which can occur when you just happen to meet and fall for someone, I'd say the women have their reasons, which are highly unlikely to be that that age group is their first choice.
I don't move in circles where I meet rich, successful or exceptional older men, so the only young women I've known who've dated men this age have been those whose circumstances, or something about them, made it difficult for them to find men their own age, so bluntly, a compromise.
If your friendship group is genuinely inundated with offers from women so much younger than you, I'd say you're all either exceptional in what you offer (money, status, uniquely attractive talent) or you're encountering a lot of young women who don't find dating easy.

Agree with you @5128gap My friend from school married a very ordinary man two decades older and she admitted after she divorced him that she felt he'd never leave her. That doesn't even work!! As a strategy to avoid being rejected it's not even fool proof as the older man can always find another young woman with a low self-esteem. There are plenty. Her Dad had cheated on her mum and in the end left her mum and her mum just collapsed and never got her sense of herself back. So sad, all she'd lost was one cheating bastard. She still had four adult DC and a lovely house, job, friends, sisters.

Anyway, my friend did divorce the older man, and I'm certainly not judging her, I wasted my youth on a man my own age but he was abusive. So we both had a ''journey'' (i know some hate this word!) to a healthier self-esteem but ran ourselves down in different ways.

I never wanted to be single forever as I love chatting to people in real life, but nobody approaches a 52 year old with romance in mind so it has been very ''freeing'' to radically accept being single forever.

This thread is proof, that posters don't want to accept being single forever. They find their lack of success frustrating, even hurtful.

What people fail to understand about apps is, that regulation or restricting ages-groups of people WILL mean fewer matches. That much is obvious.
Personally, I've used a Tinder passport and had the net spread far and wide. It's interesting the caliber of matches changes depending on where you are in the world.