OLD - why’s it so much bloody easier for men?

[Olivemitteridge]

More of a vent really, but a male friend of mine (we used to date but have been friends for a few years) has just told me he’s met someone.
He apparently signed up, and within a week, he’s met someone he likes and they’re now dating.

In contrast, I’ve been doing OLD on and off for 2 years, have probably had around 40 to 50 dates in that time, and although I’ve met some nice enough me, no spark and only a couple of second dates which came to nothing - one I realised I wasn’t keen and the other one ghosted me!

For context, we’re in our 50s, and he is very choosy, educated, attractive but quite set in his ways. So, he wouldn’t be just going for anyone, if that makes sense. He’s unlikely to go for someone younger either - he’ll be looking for someone similar to him, in their mid-50s.

It really feels unfair.

I am actually quite upset about it as I’d really like to meet someone and the choice seems so dire in my age group.

How do I stop feeling bitter?? Only half joking..,

Does "are there any genuine men on here" go hand in hand with "looking for a partner in crime"?

Does "are there any genuine men on here" go hand in hand with "looking for a partner in crime"?

Or 'I love a cosy night in with a bottle of wine and a good film'

😂

I agree, but maybe due to the area I live in it has joined the fish pics...so men are now adding 'i'm afraid I don't own a paddleboard' to their profiles...

Or “little spoon looking for a big spoon”

Filters are obvious, even on teenagers.. no-one is that smooth and glowing and bright eyed. It makes people look like airbrushed celebs.

It makes them look like they're beaming in from either the moon or a soft-focus 90s sitcom.

Cool, thanks, more things to avoid 😂

I was in 2 minds about answering you, but here goes.

in this thread there are some quite negative comments about mens looks, fat, bald, short, potato eyes, some comment about using a fish to cover a beer gut etc., and to be honest men judge women the same way ( maybe not the fish… ), but you get the idea.

So, I think it’s worth you continuing with OLD, but it might be case that it’s going to be the bigger guys contacting you,

Perhaps this could be a reason men are less selective. They simply don't believe what you've said and would rather meet and see for themselves.

Thanks, I appreciate the response.
I know everyone has a type, and I tend to go for a dad bod as it makes me feel more comfortable over the self-confessed 'gym-rats'😂
But I also do swipe if someone has a feature that catches my attention like nice eyes, nice smile or their profile makes me laugh.
I think a lot of people look better in person but need to get a date first!

As a woman in her late sixties I have to say that some of the men I see around in my age group are led by bellies so large they would struggle to find their dicks. They often have a grumpy old man, helpless thing going on - always asking their wives to find something for them, like they are demented. I could not imagine kissing one of these princes under any circumstances. Luckily my own DH is still lively and human shaped, not one of the spuds we met upthread. Should he sadly pass I will be dating women and I would recommend that other women think about doing the same. A lot of older guys have ED anyway so it really would not make a lot of difference.

I listened to a podcast on female dating strategy about ok Cupid and it seems to be a bit more focused on interests etc than simply photos.

The other alternative is to go to an old fashioned dating agency.

The issue with tinder from a female perspective is that it's a candy shop presentation of women. It's free because you are the product.

You don't mince your words do you?😂

Do women claim to be "house trained" too? Screams man child to me and gets an immediate left.

Just reading in the mirror.ie that writer Claudia carroll aged 55, slim, blonde, attractive, successful professionally no money worries at all id guess; she was rejected by an old fashioned dating agency. Well they said they could match her with 80 year olds. That's being rejected.

Wow! I'd have thought she would be a good match for men around about her own age? Is it because the men her age at the dating agency all want younger women? Can the dating agency supply enough younger women to match with these older men? So many questions.

Maybe he has written a better profile in the sense that it does a better job of attracting the right kind of interest - maybe he has a clearer idea of what he is and is not looking for and has expressed that well in his profile.

You say he is choosy and set in his ways but maybe that actually represents a relatively small set of non-negotiables or strong preferences - maybe he is quite indifferent to a lot of other things - so long as his top preferences are met in to some good measure.

I also think that defining your preferences, on some issues, can be rather meaningless - my preferences would be for a creative person, who read a lot, a musician, singer, composer, songwriter, playwright, painter, potter, etc - an atheist, someone who likes to do something sporty - my lovely partner of 48 years is none of these things - it actually doesn't matter as much in reality as many other things - some things would be a non-negotiable with me - no smoking, drugs for instance - but I have a partner who supports/allows/understands/doesn't object to me to doing creative things and building friendships with similar people - but none I have ever met are the kinds of people I would ever have wanted a relation with - because other qualities actually turn out to me far more important in our relationship - I suppose I'm just trying to say that "preferences" shouldn't carry too much weight - you have to know what really matters and what really makes no difference. HTH

Same as ones that brag ‘have a job, live in my own house and have a car.’ What are you bragging about being an independent adult for?

Yeh, so many questions! Does the agency not tell the 80 year olds "no, we cannot match you with a 50 year old".
They say ok let's see to the 80 year old? 🙄

As a man (early 40s), this is what I found hard:

I am perhaps one of the few guys who actually thought about who I was swiping on, including reading the profile as well as the pictures. And also took time to send a decent message picking up on something interesting from their profile, along with the like (when able, e.g hinge vs tinder). But still sent a lot of likes I'd say.

Also I'm told I'm attractive, in shape and have nice photos (maybe a bit marmite physically, tend to either get 'absolutely gorgeous' or 'meh, not for me').

And yet I got so few matches. And even when I did, struggled to get a response to my opener (my text game is probably a weakness - much better in person). I assume (having seen female friends profiles and just how many likes they get) that my matches had so much choice, it was hard for me to stand out. I blame the indiscriminate liking from the guys here btw, not your fault. And it's not like I was only trying to match much younger; was searching maybe -8 through to +2 my age.

Whether it's true or not, I found the stat that the top 10% (or something) of guys (looks wise) get 80% of women's likes interesting. Exacerbated by platforms algorithms I suspect. Even if I'm not miles off being in that group, I'm definitely not in it.

So I loved loved loved it when a match messaged me first, esp picking up on my profile (so so many 'hey' and 'how are you's on bumble). Try it! You'll stand out.

However, what i found easy:

I was lucky enough to cut through often enough to get dates (i was always keen to meet quickly rather than pen pal). Almost every first date then went really well - even if there was no chemistry for them, they'd often be up for friendship because we got on so well and I now have some great friends this way. The amount of times I heard 'wow, what a refreshing change to meet someone normal!' from them about me:

Based on their experiences, OLD for women 35-45 is dire. So many weird guys with baggage, or they're players. Whereas every single woman I've met has been lovely, and well, normal, even if there was no chemistry for me. And often the break up of their marriage or LTR was because of an abusive, cheating and/or emotionally unavailable partner. Fortunately that wasn't the background to my break up - still friends, very amicable, kids 50/50, grew apart (no cheating), so probs easier for me to stand out.

So overall, I'm convinced the pool on the women's side is so much lovelier than on the guys side (not always, but overall). And that's why it's so depressing for you all. And overall, I count myself lucky i was a guy looking, not a woman as I'd agree with your friend that I found it easy.

But some nice ones are out there. I had a couple of nice relationships that didn't work out long term (once them, once me, both ended respectfully and honestly, no cheating etc), before my now long term one. So as I've seen said on here before, its probably just a numbers game. Go on lots of first coffee dates, but have boundaries and don't take any sh*t!

And it's not like I was only trying to match much younger; was searching maybe -8 through to +2 my age.

How do you think women in their early 30s view men in their early 40s? When I was in my early 30s, I was happily matching with men around my own age, maybe a couple of years older. Men in their early 40s would have been swipe left. Women in their early 30s have a lot of choice.

Of course, I'll take that. And tbf I found early 30s were often still looking to start a family and that wouldn't have been compatible with what I wanted. The -8 was definitely a stretch to not rule anyone out, rather than my preference. Most of my matches, especially ones that felt right and we got on, were 37+. Everything else i found about small number of matches still applied at those ages too.

Why -8, but only +2? You didn’t want to ‘rule out’ any younger women, but ruling out older women was fine?

Fair question. The short answer is yes I suppose. Alltho I'd add one of the relationships was nearly 3 yrs older than me.....

I saw '6ft plus' or at least 'taller than me' on a whole lot of womens profiles. Is that any different?

The apps themselves encourage you to choose an age range, so you do. On some, you can see what someone else has chosen and id say roughly the opposite is common for women - a tiny bit younger than they are, but thru to quite a lot older. Why rule out 35 when you're 40?

Which suggests the sexes are compatible fortunately, as long as it doesn't get silly like guys in their 50s only looking at 30s to early 40s.