I’m being used for sex…but in too deep now!

[Remoteclockface]

First thing first, I’m a terrible person because I had an affair - but still asking for advice!

I met a guy, started an affair at the very end of a LTR. I ended my relationship and kept the affair (affair is married too).

I’ll be honest OM was everything I needed after a very long crappy relationship. He was affectionate, listened to me, we went on dates, had (really good) sex, held hands when out, text everyday…but he is married (we don’t have kids).

I didn’t tell him me and Partner separated as I didn’t want him to think I wanted a relationship with him because I absolutely do no, he is a (serial) cheat after all!

Thing is…I have got deep feelings for OM and clearly for him it’s about sex…I want the sex and the nice bits but he is often distant and I really struggle with it…

How the hell do I get out of this mess?????

Very little has been considered about the ex husband who may or may not have been demonized.

It's hard to accept the version given without question.

That's the problem with morality and credibility. For all we know, his faults may have been amplified as are the qualities of the other man.

That's not say ex may not be a shit. But he may also be a victim too.

I'd tell him it's over because you have left your partner and want to find someone who is free to be in a proper relationship. That way you sabotage yourself from going back as he'll run a mile if it's just about the sex. But it keeps your dignity as you're not asking for more. And it puts the nagging "what if" to bed because if he is secretly in love with you now is his chance to speak up.

You are 31, my god what are you doing woman!?

Kill it now and in 10 years you can look back on this blip and laugh at how you nearly fucked yourself over by letting yourself fall for a MM who was a pos.

I have a foolproof method for falling out of love with someone. You simply focus on their negative traits.

@Remoteclockface Mongoose is right. Write a list of any times he has hurt you and annoying traits he had, downsides of him etc. I did this with one ex and I came up with over 60 things annoying and unpleasant about him. It did help me.

I disagree with the PP that said you should immediately get under another man to get over this one. It strikes me that you need to work on yourself and that takes time. I've been there- two and a half years after my twattish married man experience I'm just starting to be ready to date really. I did Freedom Programme and also had a lot of therapy.

Hi everyone. Thank you so much for all your replies especially the last ones since I logged on that are much more supportive with good advice.

i am young, been stuck in a very odd relationship where I was probably used there too the more I reflect on it and my ex has now started with the emotional blackmail so had to lock him while I’m away too. Will need to unblock him as we have the house to sort etc.

I am away - long travels from Heathrow but here now and relaxing (met a trusted family member here) and plan to spill everything maybe tomorow and her a IRL perspective too, make it even more real.

Married man is blocked, although it is hard not to see messages from him - I think people call it love bombing which I loved tbh.

Now to get my ex off my back too as he seems to have come to life since I left this morning 🙄

Married man is blocked, although it is hard not to see messages from him

@Remoteclockface Block him on everything and it should be impossible to see messages.

Sounds like sorting out the end of your last relationship was put on hold for a while. Sort it out when you get home, then take some time to process all that you've been through with them both. x

Just something based on my own MM experience which I was wondering if it would resonate with you- are you feeling that you're being pressed to do some things sexually you wouldn't want to do, or do some things more often than you would otherwise want? Is the sexual element clearly more important to him than a relationship or even friendship? I wonder what would've happened to the relationship/friendship if you 'd stopped giving him sex...

Of course you are being used for sex, What else did you expect ?

Now close your eyes and imagine this.

You are very sick, you are in bed in hospital, you are seriously ill and may be could die. Now picture him. Where is he? He is not with you in the hospital at your bedside looking after yourself. He is with his wife.

So end it and do the decent thing. Get some self respect.

@OldFan
Your experience sounds similar to mine. I thought there was friendship there at least but became evident what it was about for him. It doesn't start that way that's the hard bit to get your head round. Years of pretending to be a friend..

@Remoteclockface these situations are hard, not many people to talk to IRL. Think the fact you have posted on here shows its affecting your mental health and time to get out. You are doing the right thing, don't be to hard on yourself.

It doesn't start that way that's the hard bit to get your head round. Years of pretending to be a friend

Some of these blokes will work on numerous women for years to keep their irons in the fire. They also get off on trying to make themselves indispensible.

He could of had sex with his wife. Not bathed then had sex with you some hours later

and you’ve got feelings for this guy?

yum!!

Jesus. Neither!

im going to be brutally honest

but do you not respect yourself? Why do you think this is all you deserve?

dont continue to have sex with him. Love yourself and think I deserve more than this cheating scumbag!!! And don’t tell him. Don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he has this hold over you

Not sure if it was suggested before, but I would suggest a lot if dating with others, at the very least you’d be entertained. But who knows you might meet the one.

Should have said - he is blocked but I do miss his messages.

Interesting you say that as yes he did ‘enquire’ about additional sexual extras shall we say - nothing I’m adverse to, but things I imagine his wife may not do - think blow jobs, nothing crazy.

Don’t get me wrong - he did text nice things too - wasn’t all about it sex. Holiday is great as no interest or signal outside of the hotel wifi so lots of time away from my phone.

kinda dreading going home next week as it’s back to normality and boredom may creep in.

It’s hard to wonder whether he has messaged etc but who knows now.

That is a gross thought, but having met him - I think it’s quite unlikely. He was always immaculately turned out tbh.

he isn’t some soap dodger skank. (Ok he is a skank for cheating but he was a decent looking, clean guy)

You're not in love with this guy OP, it's infatuation and it's all the more exciting because you can't have him. If he was suddenly yours then you'd see all his irritating habits and the shine would fade. Just think, all the time you're seeing this man, you're making yourself unavailable to another man who you've yet to meet. Someone else who you will share interests with, have fun and good times.

Enjoy your holiday and try to stay strong and don't unblock affair guy when you get back.

Really you want someone like him and to be in a committed relationship with you - whilst he goes out risking sti and fucking another woman whilst telling you that you are the only one. Late home and wondering where he is - or swallowing a load of lies as he must lie to her face. You want that - Jesus your bar is so low is not even on the ground it’s below sea level.

do the freedom programme

“My dilemma is whether I should continue to be shagpiece for the fun, the nice bits or whether i should cut all ties completely. I think I know what I’m going to do - cut ties!”

Ah, the luxury of choice. Pity neither of you afforded his wife the same luxury. Contemplating whether or not to carry on helping him hoodwink the wife casually for your continued ‘fun’ or dump and run having already had your ‘fun’ for a while. I don’t care that she’s his wife and he’s the one who made the vows and you owe her nothing blah blah. You’re helping him risk hurting an innocent party beyond belief, risking her mental health and the absolute shattering of her life as she knows it. But that’s ok, your standards of how to treat others appear to depend on how much fun you’re having. To shag or not to shag really isn’t your dilemma OP. Try the dilemma of whether you can still look at yourself in the mirror each day knowing you and he are toying with people‘s lives and mental health just for your own benefit. “Shagpiece”. Dear Lord, what an aspiration. Try to catch some self respect along with the feelings.

No you haven’t you’re just caught up in the fantasy. You’re in love with the excitement and the situation not the man, you know deep down the man is a skank and you said yourself you don’t want to be with him.

it has nothing to do with who he is as a person and much more to do with who you are as a person. He’s a distraction, that’s what you’re in love with.

you can block him, it will be shit for a couple of weeks but the longer you stay in it the harder it will be.

ive been the other woman and let me tell you it’s mortifying when everyone finds out. I feel (quite rightly) constantly judged. And when everyone finds out the reality of what is done hit me like a shit ton of bricks, it was horrendous, to this poor woman who deserved absolutely none of it. It’s been humiliating and incredibly difficult to move on from. Don’t go through that, leave while you still can and no one else gets hurt and knows so you don’t have to put up with the shame and humiliation for the rest of your life.

Catching feelings isn't a good reason to stay in it, it's just saying 'I don't want to feel sad'. None of us WANT to feel sad but self respect and sanity is worth the price you have to pay. Your values should trump your feelings every time. I've got a bee in my bonnet about women saying 'but I love him', it's at the bottom of almost every abusive and shitty relationship a woman finds herself in. Being in love is not a reason. Look at him properly. Look at what he's doing. It's an absolute nonsense.

kinda dreading going home next week as it’s back to normality and boredom may creep in.

this is the most insightful thing you've said about your situation - you've amped up the drama of it all in your head but it's not because of feelings or infatuation, it's because of boredom.

You don't have a dilemma. You barely have a problem. But if you overthink and overanalyse for long enough (because of boredom!) you can turn anything into a grand romantic plot.

You know exactly what you should do, but if you do it you'll have neither the sex nor the drama to distract you, and that's what's giving you pause. Find something more interesting to fill your life with.

Well of course you want him more now that you've managed to dump your LTR.

You're used to having cake at home & kibbles with your AP, & now you only have one source of supply left, you are starting to feel insecure.

This thread is months old

Im just pretty sure he would run a mile if I told him - hence my dilemma. Do I cut my losses and block him? Or continue for the mutual benefit of what we have?

Mutual benefit my arse. It;s not very mutual for his wife (& kids?) is it.
www.chumplady.com/2022/12/ubt-i-am-the-other-woman/

Why not dump him, & take a year off dating? Sounds like you need time to recover from your LTR as well as your affair.

In that time out, you could get some counselling or do some courses to find out WTF went to wrong with your self-esteem that you feel justified in spouting some of the bullshit you are trying to sell PP here.

Rats.

Only 4 months though. Wonder if she's still seeing her married man?

@Spohn People who indulge in cheating always trot out the old ‘not everything is black and white’ 😄 like there are complexities that compel you to choose every day to scam this guys wife, humiliate yourself and throw your life away. Loving the drama and lusting after some cock when there are 8 billion humans on the planet".

I do not feel Op is humiliating herself. I would ask why out of billion vaginas on the planet the Op's AP cannot be just happy with his wife's vagina?