Page 3 | I’m being used for sex…but in too deep now!

Remoteclockface · 2022-08-25T20:56:43+00:00

First thing first, I’m a terrible person because I had an affair - but still asking for advice! I met a guy, started an affair at the very end of a LTR. I ended my relationship and kept the affair (affair is married too). I’ll be honest OM was everything I needed after a very long crappy relationship. He was affectionate, listened to me, we went on dates, had (really good) sex, held hands when out, text everyday…but he is married (we don’t have kids). I didn’t tell him me and Partner separated as I didn’t want him to think I wanted a relationship with him because I absolutely do no, he is a (serial) cheat after all! Thing is…I have got deep feelings for OM and clearly for him it’s about sex…I want the sex and the nice bits but he is often distant and I really struggle with it… How the hell do I get out of this mess?????

saleorbouy · 25/08/2022 22:47

Stop shagging him..... and let his wife do it!

Original poster

Remoteclockface · 25/08/2022 22:47

Spohn · 25/08/2022 22:41

People who indulge in cheating always trot out the old ‘not everything is black and white’ 😄 like there are complexities that compel you to choose every day to scam this guys wife, humiliate yourself and throw your life away. Loving the drama and lusting after some cock when there are 8 billion humans on the planet. Come on.
You don’t need people here to suggest things to you, use your brain. Raise your standards in life.

I agree 100% I need to raise my standards.

I think my LTR drained the life out of me and he came in and seemingly made it better - I was blind to the other side of it tbh, I was being selfish.

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Spohn · 25/08/2022 22:49

[(Awaits OP announcing that you ‘can’t help who you fall for’, or that fucking some guy is ‘complicated’)]. So true, this week alone I have found myself falling in love with a bin man I’ve never met, a woman who was in front of me in a queue, and a child. ‘Can’t help it’, right 😂making a deliberate, conscious series over and over of reprehensible choices is fully within your control.

Original poster

Remoteclockface · 25/08/2022 22:50

SkirridHill · 25/08/2022 22:44

I know you want him to love you, but the truth is he probably does love his wife. Men are exceptionally good at compartmentalising. You may be red-hot in bed but he's already told you if she found out he would end it. He's told you he loves her.

It's not "oh but what do people really mean when they say things?". He is telling you what he means, plainly. You should listen to him.

And trust me, he WILL cheat on you if you get together. You might have amazing chemistry, but he's a cheat. There will always be greener grass and once he's done the hard work of an affair once, the next time it's much easier.

I meant that how can he really love her when he is doing what he is doing. I don’t doubt that he cares for her etc. i know they are still sleeping together. The more I type the clearer this all becomes tbh 🤦‍♀️

I don’t want him as my partner! No way, not the way he treats his wife or me! My dilemma is whether I stay and take it for what it is or leave…although the choices are becoming clearer!

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Original poster

Remoteclockface · 25/08/2022 22:51

DatingDinosaur · 25/08/2022 22:45

I think you should tell him how you feel. In person. Face to face.

Then issue the ultimatum – he leaves his wife or you tell her.

Nope - I definitely don’t want him to leave his wife for me!

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Havesomeselfrespect · 25/08/2022 22:51

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Spohn · 25/08/2022 22:52

What a tough choice: continue making a total tit of yourself, or stop. So difficult 😄I’m done, you’re just killing time until mr community penis texts you back.

Original poster

Remoteclockface · 25/08/2022 22:52

Spohn · 25/08/2022 22:49

[(Awaits OP announcing that you ‘can’t help who you fall for’, or that fucking some guy is ‘complicated’)]. So true, this week alone I have found myself falling in love with a bin man I’ve never met, a woman who was in front of me in a queue, and a child. ‘Can’t help it’, right 😂making a deliberate, conscious series over and over of reprehensible choices is fully within your control.

Don’t get me wrong - when we met, I knew he was married & I was in a LTR.

I wanted fun. I did not want to develop feelings for him.

Thats what I’m pissed off about!

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Havesomeselfrespect · 25/08/2022 22:54

Remoteclockface · 25/08/2022 22:52

Don’t get me wrong - when we met, I knew he was married & I was in a LTR.

I wanted fun. I did not want to develop feelings for him.

Thats what I’m pissed off about!

Show quote history

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Original poster

Remoteclockface · 25/08/2022 22:54

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I get that.

But he is cheating on his wife…

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Original poster

Remoteclockface · 25/08/2022 22:55

Spohn · 25/08/2022 22:52

What a tough choice: continue making a total tit of yourself, or stop. So difficult 😄I’m done, you’re just killing time until mr community penis texts you back.

😂 community penis did brighten the mood.

FWIW he is currently left on read while I think about what the fuck I’m doing!

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Havesomeselfrespect · 25/08/2022 22:57

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DatingDinosaur · 25/08/2022 23:00

Remoteclockface · 25/08/2022 22:51

Nope - I definitely don’t want him to leave his wife for me!

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Forsaking all moral judgment for the moment, what actually DO you want?

You say you’ve caught feelz?

So, moving forwards, what does that actually mean for you? How does that change anything if you’re still happy to be his shagpiece and don’t want him to leave his wife?

Annabananna1 · 25/08/2022 23:00

No judgment from me. I have been the 'ow'. And a cheat. And a great many things in my time.

But the connection you have during an affair isn't real. None of it is. Emotions are heightened because of the risk and the excitement. He'd ignore you on the street. Say you mean absolutely nothing to him. You're a mistake etc etc.
It doesn't mean anything to either of you, you are caught up in the idea and the romance of it all. If you were actually together it would turn awful very fucking quickly.

I think you just have to take it for what it was. An illusion. With some good sex. That has to end.

Hawkins001 · 25/08/2022 23:01

Remoteclockface · 25/08/2022 22:25

Thank you.

Are you saying, block, ride the emotions before I make an idiot of myself and tell him how I feel?

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In this case, yes, because otherwise it could spoil the arrangements, and which is better having some cake or having no cake because you confessed ?

OldFan · 25/08/2022 23:02

How the hell do I get out of this mess?????

You block this user. I know it's hard but honestly, you'll feel better for it.
I've been there.

how can he really love her when he is doing what he is doing

He likes sex @Remoteclockface . With anyone, for extra sex. The more the merrier probably.

Also, he might be the type that isn't really capable of loving anyone in the way that most of us are- a bit sociopathic, that's why he can do what he's doing.

Don't be like him, rediscover that empathy for your fellow woman and conscience.

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 25/08/2022 23:08

If you've got feelings for him, STOP.

You cannot continue this - you're falling in love with him and every time you have sex or spend time together doing nice things, the feelings will deepen.

Right now, you can walk. Yes it will hurt but not as much as if you let this carry on for say, another year, the feelings getting even stronger... it will utterly devastate you when it ends. Which it will, obviously.

I know so many men like this. Married and generally happy, but always have an OW on the side. A different one every year or so. It's just sex for them.

Original poster

Remoteclockface · 25/08/2022 23:12

DatingDinosaur · 25/08/2022 23:00

Forsaking all moral judgment for the moment, what actually DO you want?

You say you’ve caught feelz?

So, moving forwards, what does that actually mean for you? How does that change anything if you’re still happy to be his shagpiece and don’t want him to leave his wife?

Show quote history

It changes the dynamic. I didn’t want to catch feelings for him because I know what’s he is like.

My dilemma is whether I should continue to be shagpiece for the fun, the nice bits or whether i should cut all ties completely. I think I know what I’m going to do - cut ties!

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Original poster

Remoteclockface · 25/08/2022 23:13

Annabananna1 · 25/08/2022 23:00

No judgment from me. I have been the 'ow'. And a cheat. And a great many things in my time.

But the connection you have during an affair isn't real. None of it is. Emotions are heightened because of the risk and the excitement. He'd ignore you on the street. Say you mean absolutely nothing to him. You're a mistake etc etc.
It doesn't mean anything to either of you, you are caught up in the idea and the romance of it all. If you were actually together it would turn awful very fucking quickly.

I think you just have to take it for what it was. An illusion. With some good sex. That has to end.

Thank you for reaching out! It’s a shit situation but you sum it up perfectly.

It does have to end though…

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Original poster

Remoteclockface · 25/08/2022 23:16

OldFan · 25/08/2022 23:02

How the hell do I get out of this mess?????

You block this user. I know it's hard but honestly, you'll feel better for it.
I've been there.

how can he really love her when he is doing what he is doing

He likes sex @Remoteclockface . With anyone, for extra sex. The more the merrier probably.

Also, he might be the type that isn't really capable of loving anyone in the way that most of us are- a bit sociopathic, that's why he can do what he's doing.

Don't be like him, rediscover that empathy for your fellow woman and conscience.

Thanks @OldFan . Sucks doesn’t it.

He certainly does. I am not the first affair he has has. Just gets worse doesn’t it…

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Original poster

Remoteclockface · 25/08/2022 23:17

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 25/08/2022 23:08

If you've got feelings for him, STOP.

You cannot continue this - you're falling in love with him and every time you have sex or spend time together doing nice things, the feelings will deepen.

Right now, you can walk. Yes it will hurt but not as much as if you let this carry on for say, another year, the feelings getting even stronger... it will utterly devastate you when it ends. Which it will, obviously.

I know so many men like this. Married and generally happy, but always have an OW on the side. A different one every year or so. It's just sex for them.

Thank you. I’m actually going on holiday tomorrow so be a good chance to detox

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MrsLeBouef · 25/08/2022 23:19

Remoteclockface · 25/08/2022 21:58

I know…but Iv ‘caught feelings’ as the kids say 🤦‍♀️

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Tell him and you won't see him for a cloud of dust.

wellhelloitsme · 25/08/2022 23:21

I think you liked the idea that you were doing something secret, in your own control. That's also likely why you haven't told him your long term relationship ended. You know it could make him think you want 'more' and you don't want to put him off.

So now you're not 'winning' because you're no longer equal and on the same page (as you have feelings for him but he is just having sex with you and has told you plainly he is still sleeping with his wife and would never choose you over her) you are reacting to the loss of what you perceived to be control over your present.

This game you've been playing was always foolish. And selfish. And you're not a victim of circumstance, you made active choices numerous times that unfortunately for you have created a situation in which you feel like you've lost control of the dynamic. Because you have.

Blocking and walking away from this man is the only way to move forward and learn from this.

Anything else is an attempt to maintain contact because deep down you want to redress the balance and have equal power in the dynamic, but it's too late for that.

And even if it wasn't (it is) all you'd have was a married man you're fucking. You must think you're better than that. Be better than that.

ChipsRoastOrBoiled · 25/08/2022 23:22

Time is how you get over him, OP. That and working on your self-esteem.

Havesomeselfrespect · 25/08/2022 23:24

You are not his first affair. So, how low are your standards and self respect? Have you looked at having therapy?