I’m being used for sex…but in too deep now!

[Remoteclockface]

First thing first, I’m a terrible person because I had an affair - but still asking for advice!

I met a guy, started an affair at the very end of a LTR. I ended my relationship and kept the affair (affair is married too).

I’ll be honest OM was everything I needed after a very long crappy relationship. He was affectionate, listened to me, we went on dates, had (really good) sex, held hands when out, text everyday…but he is married (we don’t have kids).

I didn’t tell him me and Partner separated as I didn’t want him to think I wanted a relationship with him because I absolutely do no, he is a (serial) cheat after all!

Thing is…I have got deep feelings for OM and clearly for him it’s about sex…I want the sex and the nice bits but he is often distant and I really struggle with it…

How the hell do I get out of this mess?????

You may have caught more than feelings .... Get yourself STD tested !!

🤦‍♀️ God no!

FWIW I’m a professional, good job etc so no idea how I have managed to end up with this shitty situation!

Have you ever told this guys wife?

Well ahead of you…but we do have safe sex

How do you know they're feelings of love? At the end of every LTR most people will be vulnerable. This is why we talk about "rebound". You admitted that you didn't have feelings before you finished your relationship.

Basically try to ride the Dragon of emotions, otherwise chances are a confession is not good for the soul.

all the best op

I don’t think I love him so to speak - just feel like I want him more than I did before - I used to be able to not even notice if he didn’t text back for a few hours etc but now it’s starting to bother me.

I thought I just wanted a bit of fun…turns out I don’t think I’m emotionally ready for this kind of fun even if we can call it that?

Chances are even if his other half knew, would he ever forgive you ?
Then they could still be together.

And yet he's the kind of guy who cheats on his wife. Is that the Prince you dreamed of?

Thank you.

Are you saying, block, ride the emotions before I make an idiot of myself and tell him how I feel?

You just leave. Go find someone else you can give you want - or do you want to be stuck with this one in 10 years?

You aren’t being used for sex BTW, you are having an affair. Don’t try and turn yourself into a victim. It’s not attractive.

I know that his partner doesn’t know about us. He has always said he would end it immediately if she found out but again who knows what people really mean when they say things?

Nope.

But we have similar interests, great chemistry, we often joke in another universe we could be perfect for each other - I’m sure he thinks the same of me that I’m untrustworthy as I was also cheating (he still thinks I am!!)

How do you get over him?

You remind yourself of all the things you want and acknowledge that for every box he ticks there's a massive gaping hole.

You notice that lots of the boxes he ticks could be ticked by someone else who is actually available to have a relationship with you.

You recognise that the attachment you feel is partly because it cushioned you from the end of the LTR.
You write a list of all the things you want to achieve in life, places you want to go, and you do them. You become obsessed with you, falling in love with yourself rather than a skanky cheat.

Dick is abundant and low value.

I was having an affair for about 4 weeks - I’m not anymore since I ended my relationship.

But I do get (from posting here) that I’m not being used for sex if he has no idea my feelings have changed

You sound so passive. Oh, whoops, I have ended up having an affair with a married man.

Exercise some agency, FGS. It’s embarrassing to read what you’ve written. Unless of course you’re actually a teenager.

Not at all.

But life isn’t as black and white as everyone finding themselves in my situation being a ‘skanky loser’. I don’t feel great about myself right now but I’m not a skank…I have just made a very poor decision with another person.

Although one of the positives is that this finally gave me the drive to leave my terrible LTR.

I am definitely going to do the list!!

Thank you. It definitely did help me leave and il always be grateful for that tbh.

Not a teenager, definitely old enough to know better 🤦‍♀️

There's a podcast how to get over your ex. I found it quite useful. Can't remember her name but she's on the thumbnail - blonde, American, bit cheesy.

People who indulge in cheating always trot out the old ‘not everything is black and white’ 😄 like there are complexities that compel you to choose every day to scam this guys wife, humiliate yourself and throw your life away. Loving the drama and lusting after some cock when there are 8 billion humans on the planet. Come on.
You don’t need people here to suggest things to you, use your brain. Raise your standards in life.

I know you want him to love you, but the truth is he probably does love his wife. Men are exceptionally good at compartmentalising. You may be red-hot in bed but he's already told you if she found out he would end it. He's told you he loves her.

It's not "oh but what do people really mean when they say things?". He is telling you what he means, plainly. You should listen to him.

And trust me, he WILL cheat on you if you get together. You might have amazing chemistry, but he's a cheat. There will always be greener grass and once he's done the hard work of an affair once, the next time it's much easier.

I think you should tell him how you feel. In person. Face to face.

Then issue the ultimatum – he leaves his wife or you tell her.

The two are not linked.

If he wasn’t cheating with me he would be with someone else, I know this!