Page 4 | I’m being used for sex…but in too deep now!

Remoteclockface · 2022-08-25T20:56:43+00:00

First thing first, I’m a terrible person because I had an affair - but still asking for advice! I met a guy, started an affair at the very end of a LTR. I ended my relationship and kept the affair (affair is married too). I’ll be honest OM was everything I needed after a very long crappy relationship. He was affectionate, listened to me, we went on dates, had (really good) sex, held hands when out, text everyday…but he is married (we don’t have kids). I didn’t tell him me and Partner separated as I didn’t want him to think I wanted a relationship with him because I absolutely do no, he is a (serial) cheat after all! Thing is…I have got deep feelings for OM and clearly for him it’s about sex…I want the sex and the nice bits but he is often distant and I really struggle with it… How the hell do I get out of this mess?????

MMmomDD · 25/08/2022 23:26

@Remoteclockface
You are not being used for sex. You both are using each other for something you both wanted.

So - you can think of him being used for sex and to give you some distraction, if this is more helpful.
Bur - if you are getting hurt and emotions are interfering with your ‘arrangement’ - then of course you need to move on.

As to can he love his W and sleep with someone else. It’s an age old discussion.
Some (many) people can separate love and sex. Some can’t.

Since you are now single - I’d start dating. It’s not necessarily fun or easy to date - so in a way, a FWB isn’t a bad thing to have as a back up.

I think if you change the way you see the world and remove yourself from the position of shrinking violet - you can turn the tables around and use him for what you need.

Original poster

Remoteclockface · 25/08/2022 23:29

wellhelloitsme · 25/08/2022 23:21

I think you liked the idea that you were doing something secret, in your own control. That's also likely why you haven't told him your long term relationship ended. You know it could make him think you want 'more' and you don't want to put him off.

So now you're not 'winning' because you're no longer equal and on the same page (as you have feelings for him but he is just having sex with you and has told you plainly he is still sleeping with his wife and would never choose you over her) you are reacting to the loss of what you perceived to be control over your present.

This game you've been playing was always foolish. And selfish. And you're not a victim of circumstance, you made active choices numerous times that unfortunately for you have created a situation in which you feel like you've lost control of the dynamic. Because you have.

Blocking and walking away from this man is the only way to move forward and learn from this.

Anything else is an attempt to maintain contact because deep down you want to redress the balance and have equal power in the dynamic, but it's too late for that.

And even if it wasn't (it is) all you'd have was a married man you're fucking. You must think you're better than that. Be better than that.

This is 100% how I feel! Have you been there?? Honestly this is spot on!

You are absolutely right…all the time it was on my terms and it was what it was, I was ok.

I honestly do not want a relationship with this man…can’t stress that enough! So not telling him is key to that as he may misinterpret and I would loose the control inadvertently.

OP posts:

essex956 · 25/08/2022 23:31

You're not "being used" - you offered him easy no strings sex and he accepted

Original poster

Remoteclockface · 25/08/2022 23:32

Havesomeselfrespect · 25/08/2022 23:24

You are not his first affair. So, how low are your standards and self respect? Have you looked at having therapy?

Nope, I’m being brutally honest on here as I the advice. He said he had an affair a couple of year ago, could be crap, could be true who knows…he does seem the type.

More therapy is on the to do list for sure.

OP posts:

Original poster

Remoteclockface · 25/08/2022 23:35

MMmomDD · 25/08/2022 23:26

@Remoteclockface
You are not being used for sex. You both are using each other for something you both wanted.

So - you can think of him being used for sex and to give you some distraction, if this is more helpful.
Bur - if you are getting hurt and emotions are interfering with your ‘arrangement’ - then of course you need to move on.

As to can he love his W and sleep with someone else. It’s an age old discussion.
Some (many) people can separate love and sex. Some can’t.

Since you are now single - I’d start dating. It’s not necessarily fun or easy to date - so in a way, a FWB isn’t a bad thing to have as a back up.

I think if you change the way you see the world and remove yourself from the position of shrinking violet - you can turn the tables around and use him for what you need.

Thank you.

It was always the plan for be of mutual benefit to the pair of us, we both knew we were in relationships etc. but as a PP has said, I do need to get back control, probably by leaving it with him. It’s too complex now the feelings are creeping up to try and go back.

Im off dating for a long while I think. Out of a LTR to this mess…time for just me and the dogs.

OP posts:

ihatebojo · 25/08/2022 23:35

essex956 · 25/08/2022 23:31

You're not "being used" - you offered him easy no strings sex and he accepted

This. And that's ok, if that is what you want.

But clearly you don't

Original poster

Remoteclockface · 25/08/2022 23:35

essex956 · 25/08/2022 23:31

You're not "being used" - you offered him easy no strings sex and he accepted

You are right

OP posts:

Boxofsockss · 25/08/2022 23:36

Sounds like you deserve each other. Feel sorry for his partner!

wellhelloitsme · 25/08/2022 23:36

This is 100% how I feel! Have you been there?? Honestly this is spot on!

Nope! No appeal to me, just seen a few friends have this exact dynamic with men.

Not even affair partners. Pretending to be 'cool' with whatever the guy wanted then not wanting to ever reveal their actual wants and needs for fear of losing the status as an equally 'chilled' half of the dynamic without (his forbid) feelings for the other person.

The status of being a desired woman when in reality they / you aren't being desired for your actual self but the character you portray to the guy you're sleeping with.

Tale as old as time! I think some solo counselling would be a really good idea so you don't seek out this dynamic again in a quest to feel desired, excited by secrecy and playing a role rather than facing your reality.

Block. Delete. Move on.

Original poster

Remoteclockface · 25/08/2022 23:37

ihatebojo · 25/08/2022 23:35

This. And that's ok, if that is what you want.

But clearly you don't

Show quote history

I did want that. Now I don’t know what I want…but I know I don’t want to feel things for him..it’s too complicated and wasn’t part of the plan

OP posts:

Original poster

Remoteclockface · 25/08/2022 23:40

Again 100%. I did play a character, one far more exciting and desirable than my life was at the time.

Developing feelings for him was not part of the script so feel a bit out of sorts but coming on here has opened my eyes tbh. This isn’t something I would openly discuss with friends

OP posts:

Cherchezlaspice · 25/08/2022 23:43

I will never understand these posts. You know what you need to do, you just don’t want to. So, you come onto MN for strangers to berate and insult you (as there was never any doubt how the comments would go)? Why?

Are you trying to shame yourself into stopping? Is this a masochistic self flagellating thing? Or did you genuinely think anyone would say anything other than some version of ‘dump him and stop being so silly’?

Scepticalwotsits · 25/08/2022 23:47

If it’s about sex then block him head down to the bars you will find plenty who will willingly help with that who are not serial cheater, if that isn’t your thing like PP said get a better toy

Original poster

Remoteclockface · 25/08/2022 23:47

Cherchezlaspice · 25/08/2022 23:43

I will never understand these posts. You know what you need to do, you just don’t want to. So, you come onto MN for strangers to berate and insult you (as there was never any doubt how the comments would go)? Why?

Are you trying to shame yourself into stopping? Is this a masochistic self flagellating thing? Or did you genuinely think anyone would say anything other than some version of ‘dump him and stop being so silly’?

I think I knew what to do, but I have never been in this situation before and others may have been so it’s always good to get the perspective.

plus, I suppose some of it is the harsh reality of what this looks likes to the outside.

OP posts:

Readaboutyourself · 25/08/2022 23:49

Remoteclockface · 25/08/2022 22:11

Because (being a cheating sleaze bag aside) OM is everything I think I want in a guy.

we have similar interests and get on like a house on fire!

Show quote history

It’s all a lie though. The way he is with you is NOT who he is. You see him for such a short period and he puts on a character.

You need courage and strength. Tell him to not contact you and delete his number. Blocking means you still have his number and I suspect you’ll be tempted.

Havesomeselfrespect · 25/08/2022 23:49

Remoteclockface · 25/08/2022 23:40

Again 100%. I did play a character, one far more exciting and desirable than my life was at the time.

Developing feelings for him was not part of the script so feel a bit out of sorts but coming on here has opened my eyes tbh. This isn’t something I would openly discuss with friends

You could look at doing some volunteering or some other activity where you will be distracted from the man, but also where you have to consider other people’s needs. You sound very self absorbed and disconnected from real life and acceptable behaviours. Of course you wouldn’t discuss it with friends, you know they would judge you even if they didn’t say anything to your face.

Cherchezlaspice · 25/08/2022 23:58

Remoteclockface · 25/08/2022 23:47

I think I knew what to do, but I have never been in this situation before and others may have been so it’s always good to get the perspective.

plus, I suppose some of it is the harsh reality of what this looks likes to the outside.

Show quote history

Really? Other than being told to stop, what options do you think were going to be suggested? As I honestly can’t conceive of a single likely alternative.

JugglingJanuary · 25/08/2022 23:59

Use your holiday to break the connection, change the routine.

you know you don't want him as a partner, you don't want him to leave his wife (you'd like him to want to, but not). Withdraw from the competition you've got yourself into. You don't want the 'prize', but you do want to win.

coming out of a LTR being desired by someone else & some good sex is very intoxicating & so is having fun, being hugged, all of the good bits! A married man is 'easy' for a while as you're not then thinking about the reality of being with this person. Then BANG suddenly you find yourself caring about them, noticing if they're online but leaving you hanging... you don't want to, but you do.

withdraw now, it doesn't get any easier, not at all.

Original poster

Remoteclockface · 26/08/2022 00:06

JugglingJanuary · 25/08/2022 23:59

Use your holiday to break the connection, change the routine.

you know you don't want him as a partner, you don't want him to leave his wife (you'd like him to want to, but not). Withdraw from the competition you've got yourself into. You don't want the 'prize', but you do want to win.

coming out of a LTR being desired by someone else & some good sex is very intoxicating & so is having fun, being hugged, all of the good bits! A married man is 'easy' for a while as you're not then thinking about the reality of being with this person. Then BANG suddenly you find yourself caring about them, noticing if they're online but leaving you hanging... you don't want to, but you do.

withdraw now, it doesn't get any easier, not at all.

This sums it up perfectly. Yeah I’d like him to want that but without a shadow of doubt I would never want to be with him. Messed up isn’t it?

Selfishly, it has all been so intoxicating! And yup! I knew a married man would be at arms length, didn’t put demands on me, crazy isn’t it. But now I caught feelings that wasn’t part of the plan.

Im blocking him while I am away (7 days) and I fully imagine he may have moved on by the time I return, he knows I’m going away but still…

OP posts:

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 26/08/2022 00:07

A End it.

B Carry on until the shit hits the fan.

Original poster

Remoteclockface · 26/08/2022 00:10

Havesomeselfrespect · 25/08/2022 23:49

You could look at doing some volunteering or some other activity where you will be distracted from the man, but also where you have to consider other people’s needs. You sound very self absorbed and disconnected from real life and acceptable behaviours. Of course you wouldn’t discuss it with friends, you know they would judge you even if they didn’t say anything to your face.

Show quote history

I won’t tell you what my job is then…it may seem like that but it’s not. Contrary to how I am coming across on here I’m actually a pretty decent person.

The only persons feelings I’m probably not considering is his wife’s. But il be honest, she is not my responsibility, her husband is cheating on her. I have no idea who she even is. They don’t have children to consider, neither of us do, thankfully. She could be a terrible person for all I know? I mean I doubt it but I don’t even know her name or even if he is actually married? Let’s face it, people don’t just lie about the rubbish stuff.

Therapy yes, volunteering to help people because I had an affair, probably not.

OP posts:

Original poster

Remoteclockface · 26/08/2022 00:10

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 26/08/2022 00:07

A End it.

B Carry on until the shit hits the fan.

This was the dilemma

OP posts:

Havesomeselfrespect · 26/08/2022 00:15

This reply has been deleted

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SunnyD44 · 26/08/2022 00:24

You know he doesn’t see you in that way and you know he will never leave his wife for you

the more you have sex with him, the more your feelings are going to increase and you’ll end up torturing yourself.

You are single!
Stop being treated like some dirty little secret and get on Tinder and find a decent bloke who actually likes you and not just your vagina.

P.s of course you think he is the perfect guy because you’re not in a relationship with him - if you were he’d be completely different.
It’s like when you first start dating someone they only show you their best bits.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 26/08/2022 00:35

Let's be honest, you are the current OW, maybe not even the only OW. There were OW before you and there will be other OW after you. And you know that.

If you just left a LTR, you are probably craving excitement, fun, sex, attention etc.

It sounds like you don't even want this man but you want him to want you, you want the fun, excitement, sex etc.

Good sex is highly addictive, but the longer the high, the harder the crash. It will ultimately end, just get out before you get hurt.

There are millions of other single men that can give you all of that, especially if you don't want a relationship.

You might not think this is about your self esteem and desire for attention but it has to be, why else would you be happy sharing a man who probably goes home and shags his wife too.

It served a purpose but it needs to end. You know this.