I’m being used for sex…but in too deep now!

[Remoteclockface]

First thing first, I’m a terrible person because I had an affair - but still asking for advice!

I met a guy, started an affair at the very end of a LTR. I ended my relationship and kept the affair (affair is married too).

I’ll be honest OM was everything I needed after a very long crappy relationship. He was affectionate, listened to me, we went on dates, had (really good) sex, held hands when out, text everyday…but he is married (we don’t have kids).

I didn’t tell him me and Partner separated as I didn’t want him to think I wanted a relationship with him because I absolutely do no, he is a (serial) cheat after all!

Thing is…I have got deep feelings for OM and clearly for him it’s about sex…I want the sex and the nice bits but he is often distant and I really struggle with it…

How the hell do I get out of this mess?????

I didn’t want to catch feelings for him because I know what’s he is like.

@Remoteclockface You are letting this scum of the earth have access to your
P-word. He is so not worthy.

Block him and keep him blocked.

won’t tell you what my job is then…it may seem like that but it’s not. Contrary to how I am coming across on here I’m actually a pretty decent person.

Then when it comes to this particular issue you're not acting with integrity. This isn't how the person you see yourself as would act. Try and make it true across the board. We all cock up, we all sin, but we can choose to stop at any moment. If you are 'actually a pretty decent person,' then you know adultery is wrong, having sex with a man who's married to someone else is wrong.

The only persons feelings I’m probably not considering is his wife’s. But il be honest, she is not my responsibility

She's not your responsibility but your actions are. You say you work in a caring job- this is not what that person would do. His wife's a human. This isn't how you've learned to treat people through your life experiences and training.

If you need to let off steam then take up a sport or something.

Or, I know it sounds goody two-shoes but Church can be pretty cathartic.

@wellhelloitsme has summed it up pretty well.

I do think though that any woman who embarks on an relationship or affair goes into it thinking the male actually likes her in some way, be it sexually, emotionally or any other trait which flatters the female into submission.

No one woud have continuous sex without the idea of some sort of belief that the male has some possitive feelings towards her.

After a while reality starts to creep in, that men can view women purely as a faceless vagina that is available at the end of a quick text message.
Maybe you are at this point op, where you know his boredom is setting in, he's trying less to conceal his contempt for someone who has accepted breadcrumbs and no future that will involve respect in anyway shape or form.

In other words, I think you did like him and deep down thought you deserved more, you now know it will definitely not ammount to anything and this pulling away is a natural reaction to self preservation.

Get away from him, he will destroy your confidence till it is obliterated, start dating availablle men that will hopefully respect and value you, with no talk of never leaving their wives for you. It's not a conversation two people should ever have whilst having sex and to be honest it's a bit of a passion killer.

Date and get back to basics, time, love, attention and care for starters not the seedy world you've been inhabiting.

I have no idea who she even is.

She’s the innocent woman you are helping to humiliate. When you disrespect her dignity you diminish yourself, but you can make different choices.

Get a grip. You are behaving deplorably and should be ashamed.

"Do I cut my losses and block him?"

Yes.

Ludicrous post, you're not 'in too deep' you're just doing what you want to do.

He's a man not a God, you won't die for lack of him. Your standards are below sea level. Being a sex dump for a cheat who's also having sex with his wife isn't the one is it? You're letting him have his cake and eat it twice over.

Draw up a chair look in your mirror have a blunt talk with yourself and tell yourself the truth. That should help - if at all you want to accept the truth.

If his wife found out I bet you'd be shown the door sharpish. So there's that.

Dial it back a bit, you’ve posted over and over steadily getting more insulting.

The OP has been brutally honest.

She’s not being honest with this poor bloke’s wife, is she?
She sounds completely unmoved by people saying how awful her behaviour is towards another woman. I’ve tried giving her a kick up the backside, in case it helps her get out of this situation that is both awful to someone else and completely self-destructive. A friend was in a similar situation and having her eyes opened to how others viewed her behaviour helped her to get out of it.

This x 1000

You want to leave him but you don't want to leave him.

Only you can make the decision.

Things are not black and white, you're right. But this is going to hurt you a lot and will continue to hurt you until you stop it.

No one on here is going to tell you that you should stay - it's obviously a pretty toxic situation. But you do you.

Whilst you’re having an affair you’re not free to meet single men with integrity. End it, you’ll feel bad for a short while and then move on. Or you can carry on with your self esteem getting more and more trampled on and also whilst his poor unsuspecting wife doesn’t realise that he’s shagging someone else. That’s not fair on her or on you.

Frankly, it’s not her duty to be honest with the wife. She’s not married to her. Demonise him on that score.

Your attempt at ‘giving her a kick up the backside’ is just coming off as you ranting and enjoying insulting someone now.

His behaviour is worse, but he’s not on this thread. She is. And she has asked for help to get out the mess she has got herself into. She is finding it difficult just to block him and move on with her life. Asking her to have some empathy for his wife might help her do that.

I don't agree with the saying if you love someone people don't cheat. You can't just turn your feelings off and if that's the case many affairs would mean the man leaves his wife.... doesn't happen to often so that one obviously is not true!

Anyway..there's a good book called "Having sex wanting intimacy" order it. You can get good sex anywhere block this man HE knows full well you will be catching feelings... its not unusual he doesn't care ENOUGH. Join a dating site or something whatever it takes OP you look after you! Just Ghost him and block.

Thank you…

Lots of messages over night so can’t reply to them all as leaving to go away today, but to sum up.

I know cheating is bad. Obviously if his wife found out I’d be dumped never been under any illusion otherwise and as I have said before - I don’t want him as my partner/husband he is a cheat! I would NEVER trust him. I don’t trust him.

My relationship was 9 years long, 9 years of emotional bluntness…empty gestures…crap sex…amongst other stuff but I was young (21) when it started so I didn’t know much different.

Cheating aside…we do both have some good qualities. We are both human. And when we spend time together we have a lovely time (sex aside) you can build emotional connections with people even in a relatively short space of time - even if they are married. Yes he could have faked the whole thing for sex, but why would he not just go to an escort? Maybe he did/does I don’t know.

I am not a victim, I went in to this knowing the score…knowing he had a wife…but not knowing that I would actually develop feelings for him.

But I am/was naive…certainly not emotionally secure enough for this.

I came here to air my views, and tell my story because this situation is unique to me - I know everyone wants to think their relationship/marriage is solid as I did but life isn’t like that - and maybe there is someone else experiencing similar that is too ashamed to say anything - maybe they read the thread and also get the ‘kick up their arse’.

Personal attacks about having an affair are irrelevant to me as it’s often projection because to most people being cheated on is the worst thing that could happen and I hope it doesn’t happen to you. But, I am a good person, good job, usually good morals I just met the wrong person at the wrong time…

Thanks for the dating site advice but I’m off men for the foreseeable!

You know how to get out of it, you jist don’t want to. So what’s the point of this?

Exactly this!

No one is buying the faux ‘I’m a terrible person’ BS or the poor attempt at painting yourself as the victim with your ‘using me for sex’ line. You are in a relationship with a MM because you want to and despite ‘catching feelings’, you are self aware enough to understand the transactional nature of your relationship.

Your situation is not unique and it isn’t rocket science. The handwringing and ‘catching feelings’ is just more excuses to maintain the status quo. So, as you were.

I think you’re going to just have to admit that you love the attention, and you’re getting something out of this thing (other than sex) that meets a need for you.

Not sure what your background is like but wonder what your reference for relationships has been?

Oh, and get an STI check.

Yes he could have faked the whole thing for sex, but why would he not just go to an escort?

Escorts cost money, plus there's none of the thrill of seduction and ego boost of knowing the woman is into him.

I came here to air my views, and tell my story because this situation is unique to me

It really isn't, @Remoteclockface . It might be in minor details, but the activity and the bulk of the feelings around it are not uncommon.

But, I am a good person, good job, usually good morals I just met the wrong person at the wrong time

You didn't accidentally fall on his knob, or it isn't a magnet and your pum-pum some iron filings. People come across married people that they fancy all the time, and don't act on it.

Cold turkey. He's bound to be everything you want because you're the dirty little secret! He wouldn't be that way in an open relationship. No sympathy I'm afraid. If you chose to lie down with dogs, you get fleas!

He’s “everything you want in a man”?

A cheat?

Second the reputation to look into /read the Freedom Programme. You recognise that you deserve better, hence leaving your original partner, but have settled for even less…

An interesting area of research in human relationships is 'mate-poaching'. Bit of a misnomer since it implies a predatory person actively seeking to steal people away who are already in committed relationships. Yes, it can cover those, but it also covers this type of situation, where it appears it was some sort of mutual agreement regarding no-strings sex. Although the woman does not want to enter into a full relationship with the man, she is still 'mate-poaching' because she is literally 'mating' with someone who is supposed to be in a monogamous relationship with another.

What researchers want to find out is why some women will actively engage in illicit affairs with married men, when other women are turned off, or self-limit, when they find out a man is married. Why, then, are some women not turned off?

One reason is that married men can be viewed as trophies by women who have mate-poaching tendencies. It boosts their self-esteem because they believe that the attention on them, redirected away from the wife, means that they are 'better' in some way. Usually they will think they are more desirable or more sexually exciting.

The OP's references to them having great sex together and getting on like a house on fire together suggests that it might be her lack of self-esteem which is at the root of her choice.

Extroverted individuals are more likely to be 'mate-poachers'. People who display conscientiousness in everyday life are less likely to be 'mate-poachers'. Personality traits definitely play a part but it's not the full story.

Research has shown that the majority of women (unfortunately only a 60% majority) would not engage in 'mate-poaching' and would not be interested in a sexual relationship with a man if they knew he was married.

"The only persons feelings I’m probably not considering is his wife’s. But il be honest, she is not my responsibility, her husband is cheating on her. I have no idea who she even is. They don’t have children to consider, neither of us do, thankfully. She could be a terrible person for all I know? I mean I doubt it but I don’t even know her name or even if he is actually married? Let’s face it, people don’t just lie about the rubbish stuff. "

I think you need to have a look inside your soul some time if you hold the above opinions and consider yourself a pretty decent person.

I can’t say why all women enter into these relationships but for me, we met and there was a spark, the fact he was married came after.

i didn’t seek out someone who was married so as you write I’m probably in the smaller percentage. I don’t like him because he is married, I like him in spite of that. In another world maybe we could have been together properly.

The reason I would never be with him is because he is a cheat…I’d never trust him.

I thought my self esteem was ok, this situation makes me consider this further for sure.

There is definitely a control element to these types of relationships. I know I can keep him at arms length…

Thank you. Yup I get that.