I’m being used for sex…but in too deep now!

[Remoteclockface]

First thing first, I’m a terrible person because I had an affair - but still asking for advice!

I met a guy, started an affair at the very end of a LTR. I ended my relationship and kept the affair (affair is married too).

I’ll be honest OM was everything I needed after a very long crappy relationship. He was affectionate, listened to me, we went on dates, had (really good) sex, held hands when out, text everyday…but he is married (we don’t have kids).

I didn’t tell him me and Partner separated as I didn’t want him to think I wanted a relationship with him because I absolutely do no, he is a (serial) cheat after all!

Thing is…I have got deep feelings for OM and clearly for him it’s about sex…I want the sex and the nice bits but he is often distant and I really struggle with it…

How the hell do I get out of this mess?????

Yeah i freely admit I love the attention.

One LTR in adult life that recently ended so not much to go on really

Thank you, yes I wouldn’t tell his wife even if I knew how to contact her. It’s not my place. I am not cheating on her.

Bloody hell, he's distant because he's probably sniffing out another victim now to shag, his poor wife

Dump, block and forget! He'll probably come running back if you're aloof but don't fall into that trap either

but why would he not just go to an escort?

You clearly don't know much escorts charge.

Anyway, it is perfectly possible he likes, fancies, has a connection et. yourself or his previous affair partner .... Loads of us like and fancy lots of people; he's still not leaving his marriage so what does it matter.

In addition to the cost of prostitutes (the ones who aren't pimped, can barely speak English, drug abusing, flat above a bookie, one punter after another, perhaps not even using a bedroom, just a mattress in another room cause they're sharing the place with other "working girls" etc ... Cheaper but a man of refined - ish tastes is not going to be comfortable)... .

there is the std risk (higher than with a mistress who is more likely to only be shagging you).

There is the comfortable, familiar, flirtatious vibe .... Lots of prostitute users actually pay more to get a "girlfriend experience" a cut above the sex buying equivalent of McDonald's drive through.

Then there's the pride aspect ... He doesn't have to pay for it. He had women who want him, women who'll have sex with him for just sex, women who think he's great etc.

Then there's the morality around using prostitutes. Cheating is one line, prostitutionnis another. Maybe he's not comfortable with stepping over that line, aside from the costs, STDs, impersonality etc.

Tell him you love him, want to marry him, and ask him to leave his wife for you today.

Either he’ll agree, in which case you don’t have to worry about being used for sex anymore. Or more likely he’ll dump you instantly and block you everywhere, in which case you no longer need to worry about how to tear the bandaid off as he’ll do it for you. Either way, your dilemma will be over.

Anyway, you must be quite young (30 ish?).

You are really selling yourself short; wasting your time and emotion with this attached man.

You could have a million opportunities if you just wanted a fwb, since so many men want that.

You could have plenty of relationship opportunities too. You're a young single woman.

He's getting the bargain here.

And you're getting fk all but decent sex - which you could get off someone else, and some (inconsistent) attention, which you get get off someone else.

You could do much much better than be wasting your time and emotion on this already taken bloke (who's a serial.cheat and shit relationship material anyway).

Oxytocin is a bitch .... But it'll go when you stop having contact and stop shagging them.

Either he’ll agree, in which case you don’t have to worry about being used for sex anymore. Or more likely he’ll dump you instantly and block you everywhere, in which case you no longer need to worry about how to tear the bandaid off as he’ll do it for you

Or he'll string her along for sex etc.

Yeah I’m 31.

He is getting the better deal as he is 41!

Had a feeling he would be.

Plenty of time to perfect the sales pitch/patter.

Seriously if all you're after is attention, sex and fun - there's a plethora of options, who are not married 41 yr olds.

If you're after a relationship, every bit of time, attention, emotion and chemical/hormonal attachment you spend on him is a distraction from dating and finding a partner.

He's already got one, who he has no apparent intention of leaving. He's partnered up, no matter what he chooses to do behind her back. (And if he became single, he's a shit bet for a trustworthy, high quality relatively).

You, on the other hand, presuming you'd like to have a partner and maybe have kids some day ... Need to find one. And he's just an obstacle and distraction to that.

He can also fk around all he likes re. kids and could still have them as a divorcee in 10 yrs time or pretty much indefinitely if the woman if young .... We don't have that option. Our fertility is, on AVG, dropping from 25 per cent chance per month (mid 20s) , through to 15pc in mid 30s, to 5 pc around 40 to 1/2pc after 42.

Time flies, it takes time to date, build a relationship, evaluate them as partner and parent material etc etc. I'd stop wasting your time on somebody who's not partner material (even if he magically weren't married tomorrow).

Men like him will very happily waste your time if you let them, they don't gaf, you have to look out for yourself.

It also sounds like your ex damaged your self esteem. Maybe you need counselling or a lot of soul searching to feel confident and comfortable and worthy moving forward to meet someone for a good relationship in future.

Also don't mention having had an affair to any potential partner; a lot of men will not see you in a good light and give you a chance.

You just had a long relationship from 21 that broke down, end of story.

I have read the whole thread. I don't care about you having an affair, outside of it you sound okay, just like one of my friends really. And I thought of what to post and you know what?

I've got absolutely nothing!

I know you will be thinking "so why is she posting?", but maybe my point is, even though I don't think you should be called names or burned at the stake, even though I have a decent amount of empathy and I post a lot. With you I have nothing.

You sound like a decent person but I don't trust what you say because of the situation you are in. My aunt had an affair with a someone for a while, it was years ago and I don't look at her the same way I used to.

So you are either going to keep investing your time and emotional energy in something that you will have to hide from the people closest to you (including future partners) in case they judge you, or you can spend your time doing something that you can.

Your choice.

Like I said, I don't care either way.

I should add, in addition to the time it takes to meet and build a relationship with a partner, and the fertility thing; people are increasingly coupling up as they get older. Yes, people can turn up single at any age but as a general rule the number of potential available partners is reducing the older you get.

(And I'll get flamed but I'll add that many divorced men who turn up on the mating market are divorced for a reason. They're not quality relationship material. A lot of them are circulating trash who'll do a certain number of yrs in a relationship/marriage until their long suffering women finally get rid. And they often have kids who (entirely rightly) get a portion income (which reduces the financial circumstances for you and your future kids), and will mean blended families/being a step mum, which is no walk in the park. Better to settle with a not previously married man with no kids who's ready to settle; with your combined incomes, time, effort available for your kids together. Those guys are reducing in numbers the older you get).

Every month arsing around with married cheater is a month wasted in terms of meeting one of those. All the oxytocin bonding you to him, is stopping you from being emotionally available & motivated to meet one of those.

It does seem a shame that you're wasting your time at 31 on a married man, OP.

*get a portion of their income

Premium settling age and she's wasting her time, youth and emotion on a married bloke a decade older.

He was an exit affair that helped her leave a dysfunctional, unhealthy, unhappy relationship; he's served his purpose, she needs to leave him behind now.

Best way to get over a man is get under another one.
He isnt special. Feelings arent a magical indicator of him being the one for you.

This is so true.

all of it but this::::::

Every month arsing around with married cheater is a month wasted in terms of meeting one of those. All the oxytocin bonding you to him, is stopping you from being emotionally available & motivated to meet one of those.

You remind me of one of the women in Three Women by Lisa Taddeo. It's based in interviews with three women in shitty situations. One of the women is having an affair with a guy using her blatantly and can't untangle herself. I thoroughly recommend reading it and how you feel seeing it in black and white when it's another person...

I have a foolproof method for falling out of love with someone. You simply focus on their negative traits. Every single time you start to feel the longing, think of something awful about him. It should be easy for you, he's stringing you along and leading a double life and no doubt gas lighting his wife. Those are the traits of a very weak, manipulative, self obsessed man who needs his tiny little ego massaged. He's just a toddler, you need to see him like that!

It's the excitement of the secrecy, sneaking about and the fantasy that's got you 'caught'
Not him.. trust me. Been there and wore the T-shirt. Not worth it at all.
Dump.
Start over.
Fresh start.
Be committed
👍🏻

I'm not sure "I'm too deep" was appropriate terminology there 🤣

*"in too deep"

Hi Op

Hope you got away on hols ok and stick with your decision to block. I’ve skim read this and seen you have had one long relationship in your 20s and as you say don’t have much to go on.

What I would say is that whatever you feel about this person now if you cut him out of your life although it will feel awful there will come a time when he pretty much never crosses your mind and you wonder what the attraction was, that’s certainly been the case for me and people I know.

Good luck with everything