What’s the point in sex?

[Ap1980]

I’m a man, so clearly not a stereotypical one. I don’t actually see the point in sex, I never really have done, other than conceiving. Always been one of those “expected” parts of a relationship but I can quite easily go without it, and have done happily… in a few relationships.

im married, have been for 12 years, we don’t have sex very often, in fact haven’t for over a year, and probably three times since our second child was born, 5 years ago.

Never been the most sexual person, could probably say similar of my wife too, the definition of sexless fits us down to a tee, well less than 10 times a year for about 10 years.
I love my wife too, our relationship is amazing, but prefer the cuddles and kisses over sex.

im surely not the only one who feels like this, is this wrong?

I don't think it's wrong (and if your DW feels the same way, its probably perfect for the two of you). It is unusual, because for most people, sex bonds you as a couple and helps to create emotional intimacy alongside physical intimacy. But if you're both happy and loved up without sex, that's fine!

I am a married man and I don't enjoy it either, I never really have done. There is too much pressure to 'perform' both anatomically and in terms of technique, and if you don't hit the mark you're just dismissed as being bad in bed. This means that I'm constantly thinking about climaxing too early, too late, showing I am enjoying it too much or too little, and just a general inability to relax. So much of the focus on sex has to go to the woman that I feel (and have always felt) that I'm there to do a job rather than getting any mutual enjoyment out of it.

To me it's more trouble than it's worth and I'd rather take care of myself.

It sounds as though you’re probably asexual. Which is fine - as long as you’re open and upfront with your partner about not really liking sex, that it’s very unlikely to change, and have given her the opportunity to choose whether she’s happy in a sexless relationship, rather than fobbing her off.

'Wrong'?

The only right and wrong is that it's right for everybody to do what they want (within the law), and do it in a place/with people where they are respectful and respected.

What rules do you think there might be, to tell you what's right or wrong, other than laws? Are you aiming at 'normal'? If so... why?

I can also take it or leave it. It’s enjoyable every so often, but I don’t really get what the fuss is about.

Id rather just sort myself out in under 2 mins and get on with the day!

@JayGM this is so sad to read. Sex shouldn't be like this. Me and my Husband just enjoy ourselves. Stop worrying and just enjoy it maybe then you'll change your mind.

What's the point was your question. Well it's supposed to be enjoyable and a basic need in most people but if you don't like it and your wife is happy with that then what's the issue ? I would think your testosterone is very low or non existent tbh

Is that because you don't fancy your partner though ?

You sound like my dream man. I’d possibly have a relationship in future (happily single) if I could avoid the sex. Cuddles and companionship sounds lovely.

Never compare your relationship to others’. Whatever works for you. You sound a lot happier and more secure than many others. Intimacy is not for everyone- not all of us need/want it- and I wish others understood this.

Does it matter if you’re both happy with the situation. There are a lot of things I’ve never seen the point in (inspirational signs, centre parcs, roast dinners), so I don’t partake in them. Hasn’t been detrimental to me so far.

It's mostly hormonally driven, so agree with another poster that you probably just have low T. If you're both happy that way then there's nothing 'wrong' (although I don't know what causes low T so I'd have investigated the medical causes of low libido personally, before writing off my sex life).

Then there's psychology - abuse, religious zeal, guilt - can all negatively affect pleasure.

No rights or wrongs. If you are both happy, great.

For me, it's a very different experience than for you so I am very sex driven. I just seek out partners who are both good in bed and have a high sex drive. Everyone's a winner.

@noclothesinbed i do! It’s been the same with every partner, after the initial flush of excitement it just fades.

I enjoy it around ovulation so it’s definitely hormone driven.

There's no wrong or right. Just as long as you're both happy that's all that matters

I can see how you might feel the odd one out given all the emphasis on sexual prowess in men. I would be very happy with a lot less sex tbh. He gets enjoyment out of it, and I like to make him happy, but if it was up me it'd be once a month tops. Good for you of you're in a relationship where you're both happy with that!

Like NellesVilla said, you sound like a dream man!

I don’t understand the point of sex either, and single because of that.
I’d love to meet someone, have a partner, share a life with a lively person….
But I don't want to have sex.

Really interesting comment here, it seems to be the default response on this forum that men who are less interested in sex have lower T levels, not that he might not be interested in sex,
( if a man did have non existent testosterone levels he wouldn’t be able to function very well as a human, so probably nonsense).
Some men are just less interested in sex, but sometimes that seems hard to believe on this forum when you see thread after thread from posters complaining that their male partners don’t seem to want sex daily?
So very odd societal responses on this site.

Have a read up on Relationship Anarchy OP.

I've never seemed to find one of these men who isn't bothered! Would have made my life post 45 a lot simpler!!

Asexual is not something considered before. Can’t honestly say had heard much about it. Hmmm
im not robbing her off, never have. We’ve not exactly had a massive amount of sex for years and it’s not really been an issue. We’ve both been completely celebrate for over a year now and neither has tried to initiate it, we’ve been no different outside the bedroom, happy and as close as ever.

I can’t say that I’ve missed having sex at all to be honest

For me it's what bonds DH and I as a couple rather than friends. Sex improves my mood, helps me sleep and makes me feel good about myself.

It’s unusual, but there’s nothing wrong with it, if it’s working for you both.

The PP saying he doesn’t like it because he feels he’s there to do a job (get another partner PP!) was a sad thing to read, but that isn’t the case for you and your wife, so crack on.

If you and your wife are both happy, I'm not sure why you need to ask why others enjoy sex.

I love the act of sex, the feelings, the pleasure, the intimacy with my partner, giving him pleasure. My life would be less enjoyable without sex.

You both obviously don't feel that way, and that's fine. We aren't all the same.

I also wonder what’s the point of it as a woman. It doesn’t bond me to any partner I’ve had. It’s just an act I do because most men expect it. I bond emotionally and with cuddles and doing other things together. I’d love to find someone not interested in it. It would be lovely.

Appreciate your honesty @Ap1980

Would you attempt to overcome it if your wife told you she wants to resume having sex?

It's interesting to me that some posters are saying they're not interested in sex but do want to 'sort themselves out'. This suggests they do actually want sexual pleasure just maybe not with someone else. Or is it a lack of communication between them and their current partner? I certainly think 'relief' can be used for medicinal purposes (headaches, insomnia) if nothing else.