What’s the point in sex?

[Ap1980]

I’m a man, so clearly not a stereotypical one. I don’t actually see the point in sex, I never really have done, other than conceiving. Always been one of those “expected” parts of a relationship but I can quite easily go without it, and have done happily… in a few relationships.

im married, have been for 12 years, we don’t have sex very often, in fact haven’t for over a year, and probably three times since our second child was born, 5 years ago.

Never been the most sexual person, could probably say similar of my wife too, the definition of sexless fits us down to a tee, well less than 10 times a year for about 10 years.
I love my wife too, our relationship is amazing, but prefer the cuddles and kisses over sex.

im surely not the only one who feels like this, is this wrong?

Have you openly discussed not wanting sex?

Otherwise how can you be sure your wife isn't one of the posters here with threads about sexless marriages and should they leave?

I would never assume being on the same page about anything!

I suspect the infrequency is way more common than we think. The media make out that everyone should be at it all day long, in reality most people are knackered from work and kids and all that jazz and simply can’t be arsed!

I've been single for four years and it's been lovely not to have sex.
I think if I met someone I'd be happy with a ten minute missionary position once or twice a month but I'm just not bothered by anything else these days.love hugging and kissing though.

I think it's none of anybody else's business if you're both happy.

It's a bit weird you haven't talked about it together though. Doesn't it kind of hang over you?

Bit of an intrusive question I guess, but only answer if you want - for the people who just prefer a bit of a cuddle instead, when you do have sex, do you orgasm?

I think the figures are that only about 20% of women orgasm with PIV alone, so I can understand if you're in the larger group not being as fussed on it.

everybody is different and likes different things, but is it that you just never really get sexually aroused at all, or it doesnt even feel physically nice to be touched sexually?

Have you openly discussed not wanting sex?

Otherwise how can you be sure your wife isn't one of the posters here with threads about sexless marriages and should they leave?

I would assume his DW has brought it up and not just suffering in silence.

For me, apart from sex being enjoyable because it’s fun and feels good, it’s something that I can only do with my partner.
Everything else I can do with friends and family but bring intimate is only something I can do with my partner.

For me, I like the primal aspect of it. I’m quite a cerebral person, but sex allows another part of me to come to the fore. I love when my reptilian brain takes over and I literally cannot form a thought. It’s liberating.

I'm sure he's delighted he is not married to you too!

Some people just have a low sex-drive OP, and there's nothing wrong with that.

However, people who have a low libido should try and team up with others of the same inclination otherwise it can cause a whole host of problems....

You cannot make your body feel something that it doesn't and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The big plus in your relationship is that you both feel the same and are lucky to have each other. It's very hard to live with mismatched libido's. It is not about love, you can love someone just as much with kisses and cuddles as you do with sex but you will will have the nympho's out in force telling you there must be some part of you not working.

You are both happy?? Fuck what anyone else thinks.

You are both happy?? Fuck what anyone else thinks.

Exactly this!

I actually know of many women in relationships with men who have completely different sex drives and they’re both miserable.

If you are both happy then that’s fantastic!
There’s no right amount of sex anyone should be having.

OP, I'm totally with you there! Unfortunately, my DH doesn't feel the same and would like to have sex a couple of times a week...I'd be content with a couple of times a month at most to be honest. It's just never been a the top of my agenda. I've always been about kisses and cuddles, touching each other and just enjoying being with each other - as someone else said, companionship. It sounds like a dream to me to be honest. I wish my DH had your mindset as well...

I'd say you sound asexual. There's absolutely nothing wrong with this, if, and only if your life partner is also asexual. Otherwise it's setting them up for an eternity of disappointment.

As long as you are clear, honest and true to yourself there should not be any issues.

I know three asexual people who have been clear and open about this.

It's the Mis-balance in a long term relationship that doesn't work. You can love someone very deeply but longer term a sexual partner can only put off their physical needs for so long. That might be decades, but at some point it will come to the surface and wreck the relationship.

It's more nuanced than that. It's like how someone can be really into food and cuisine, but someone else might merely eat the bare essentials to relieve hunger. Desire/sexuality and mere physical relief of a biological process are two very different things.

To answer your question, OP, good sex is extremely physically pleasurable, its bonding as you are mutually creating pleasure for each other and receiving pleasure, so you are intensely focussed on your partner and how they are responding, and because women release oxytocin on orgasm which is a bonding hormone.
If you are with someone you genuinely like/ love it can be an intensely emotional as well as physical experience.
I have not enjoyed sex with most of my male partners. I used to be confused as I have a sex drive but sex was always not great. I used to think this was a cruel joke played on women by nature. Then I met a man who I found awesome in bed. That made me realise that sex could be amazing. Took me till I was 48 to realise this but glad that I did!

Oxytocin is a weird one. We produce it in higher amounts naturally merely as part of being in a relationship whereas men's production comes more from sex, hence their higher likelihood of going off a relationship if the sex dries up. All swings and roundabouts though.

What is the definition of sex anyway? does it always needs to be the heteronormative penis in vagina? could it simply be that you enjoy physical contact and intimacy in a different way, and that is perfectly fine too.

I only had incredibly boring sexual encounters in the past few years so I have pretty much given up on it.

I realised I had no interest whatsoever in having sex with men who were influenced by porn, detached from their emotions and deep down had a lot of aggression and disrespect towards women. The whole experience was painful rather than fun and fulfilling. So I stopped.

I know I am not asexual as I regularly enjoy masturbation, toys and fantasies by myself and can regularly orgasm easily that way.

For me it was a lightbulb moment as well to realise that there is nothing ''wrong'' with me and my body and that I should not force myself to fit in a narrow definition of what society tells us sex is. This is just the way I am. I don't find that many people attractive and I have no interest in just endless, basic PIV sex or casual encounters.

I think you are actually lucky to have a partner who shares your views on relationships and makes you happy. That is all that matters.

I think this is more common than we think. I was seeing a guy a few years older than me. I hadn't had sex in years where as he was a few months. I wanted it all the time when together which at the start it happened but after a while he was at a point of what's the point and felt too much pressure which I was understanding of. We stopped seeing each other for other reasons mainly timing but we are close friends and we have had sex since but it was him who initiated it. He said he could actually happily live without it xx

Oxytocin is a weird one. We produce it in higher amounts naturally merely as part of being in a relationship whereas men's production comes more from sex, hence their higher likelihood of going off a relationship if the sex dries up. All swings and roundabouts though

Have you got any links to studies on this @DonnaBanana ? I couldn't find anything to suggest it?

www.psycom.net/oxytocin
www.healthline.com/health/how-to-increase-oxytocin#food
www.apa.org/monitor/feb08/oxytocin

Plasma oxytocin levels higher in women than men: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6446474/

On the other part, the current research is on rats where oxytocin levels spike significantly after ejaculation to almost female levels:
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8009111/

Men with "hypersexuality" problems also seem to have naturally far higher levels of oxytocin, implying a link between sexual function and oxytocin in men: www.medpagetoday.com/endocrinology/generalendocrinology/96977

Anecdotally, I think we can all think of a few men who are lovely-duvvy for days after action and then get crabby. It seems as predictable as PMT..!

Thanks for such a thorough response, @DonnaBanana Much appreciated.

It certainly didn’t feel like some people say, the whole wow amazing factor. Never had done. I remember my very first time, and was thinking what was all the fuss about.

could say never had it with the right partner and we are no good in bed. Could be true, but felt the same with previous partners too. It’s like an expected part of relationships, yet I’ve never had the feeling of movie sex, if that makes sense

Honestly couldn’t say. I think may well go along with it a little, but wouldn’t be every single day type thing, that I know.

bit hard to answer as very hypothetical

Even I would consider a relationship with a man like this, cuddles but no sex? Awesome!