What’s the point in sex?

[Ap1980]

I’m a man, so clearly not a stereotypical one. I don’t actually see the point in sex, I never really have done, other than conceiving. Always been one of those “expected” parts of a relationship but I can quite easily go without it, and have done happily… in a few relationships.

im married, have been for 12 years, we don’t have sex very often, in fact haven’t for over a year, and probably three times since our second child was born, 5 years ago.

Never been the most sexual person, could probably say similar of my wife too, the definition of sexless fits us down to a tee, well less than 10 times a year for about 10 years.
I love my wife too, our relationship is amazing, but prefer the cuddles and kisses over sex.

im surely not the only one who feels like this, is this wrong?

I think there are lot more people in marriages where sex is infrequent or non existent than people like to admit. These threads always get the high-drives telling you there is something wrong with you or you are not normal but ime of hearing about friends and colleagues over the decades the reality is somewhat different. The amount of coercion and low self esteem that factors into ‘frequency’ is never discussed either. It’s the old mantra - whatever works for you and your partner is normal.

These threads always get the high-drives telling you there is something wrong with you or you are not normal

Not one comment on the thread goes so far as to even refer to this.

Have you actually had a conversation about it..? How do you know that your wife is happy with sex life as it is? Perhaps it's just a trade off for all the other positive parts of your marriage.

Myself and my wife are the same, we have intimacy through kisses and cuddles. I enjoy it when it happens, as does she, but for most of the time we don’t really have the urge or think about it. I’ve always found it over rated and have never felt like it’s bonded me to any partner I’ve had. I feel like emotional intimacy and affection bond me to someone, not sex.

@Lovemypeaceandquiet how do you mean overcome? I’m not sure how it would overcome a feeling I’ve always had. We’ve had sex previously, we have two kids, we haven’t had it for a while, it’s never really been initiated in that time by either of us. I guess if she did ask, then we’d have to approach that bridge when we come to it, can’t say at the moment as it’s a bit hypothetical. I’m sure if it was top of her list, she would have at least tried to initiate it before now?

Excellent post, @dmask, and one that applies to so many Mumsnet threads.

I wish my partner was more bothered. I love sex- really enjoy it. Not just about bonding. I like the way it feels.
if almost no sex works for you and your wife then jolly good.

I think you either have the urge or you don't.

When I have the urge I struggle to think about much else tbh!!

While I'm making the kids packed lunches and washing their uniforms ... all sorts of things are happening in my mind.

When I'm in that kind of state I feel like I just have to have it. Thankfully DH is always willing to oblige.

I'm in this state for maybe ten days per month - (not all ten are together) and it varies with my cycle.

Just before my period I can totally empathise with OP - I just don't see the point in sex. Why would we want to thrash about in bed when we could have a cup of tea and read.

Ten days later though it's a different story ... can't lie next to DH without heart racing and mind full of sexy thoughts and desires 🫢😍 and I feel like a teenaged lad.

Sounds like you're asexual.

Nothing wrong with that if you and your partner are happy and on the same page.

What was it like when you did make love OP? Did you enjoy it then?

Do you not then want to repeat?

I think everyone is different. Once two people are getting what they both want from their sex lives then that's all that matters.

I enjoy a healthy sex life so to answer your question what is the point. Fir me, I enjoy it, I find it relaxes me, relieves stress, in the moment I block out everything else - not thinking about work, family challenges etc. It makes me feel wanted, desired, closer to my partner etc. It's also great for easing PMS symptoms and I feel great after an orgasm.

Just because we don't view it the same way doesn't mean either of us is wrong. Imo, everyone should have the sex life they want once it's consensual and both parties are comfortable with it.

Exactly.

I on the other hand love sex, I need it at least 3 times a week. Lifts my mood, keeps my skin young and makes me bond with my partner. I’m so glad I’m not married to the OP, we would be miserable together 🥲

Whatever floats your boat OP!

Not interested in climaxing or no sex drive at all? Do you masturbate? ( you don't have to answer that here) but if you do then it's probably an issue with sharing that experience with another person

I’m the same OP

This is a really interesting thread as I have never heard it from the mans POV.

My DH has never been that interested in sex. When I met him I basically pounced on him and he was like "oh, I can wait a while". In fact I thought my DH was great, and liked me for my mind, personality etc. rather than wanting to jump my bones every 10 seconds, like my other boyfriends.

Over the years he has not been that keen on sex. I have always been the one to initiate it. He has told me he can take it or leave it. There have been many times in my marriage where I have nearly walked away, because it has affected my self esteem. I thought for a long time, and still do deep down, that it is because he doesn't fancy me, thinks I'm fat/too small/ wrong hair colour etc. I later found out in our marriage that it hurts him. He got that issue fixed, but I think in his mind it is something that is not enjoyable and it stresses him out, so he avoids it.

Now that I am older I don't really care. I'm sure other people would have walked away, but my DH is the most amazing man and we snuggle up every day with kisses and cuddles. I love him to bits. It does bother me, but lesser as I get older.

I do have self esteem issues, which this has added to. Deep down I worry that one day he will wake up and say "you were right all along, I don't fancy you". However deep down I am sure he is just not into sex. If he wasn't when he was 20, I doubt he will be now he is in his 50's.

I am finding this really interesting. In my marriage which ended last year we had several years of estrangement preceded by years of unhappiness but the sex was the last bond to go. When I met someone who was attracted to me (and vice beers) I assumed he would want seed and was perplexed that he was reluctant and vI initiated it always. I now realise s year later that it really isn’t something he is interested in although he is affectionate and cuddly b and lovely to be in bed with. And very latterly I realise that I have unwittingly put unnecessary pressure on him. So he now b knows that I really enjoy our g and of f sometimes that leads to sex that’s good but I b don’t expect it and just enjoy him.

This is so interesting and I think my bf is the same. We need better education about men!!!

It's about orgasm, pleasure and closeness to my husband for me. It keeps the spark alive and brings us together. If we've both had a hard day, coming together at the end of it and having a good shag and a cuddle is what it's all about.

Those who want a partner but not sex might want to check out asexual dating sites/fora and the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN).

If you're having to "sort yourself out" you're having sexual feelings though.

If you’re both happy, I don’t see the problem.

But you really DO need to BOTH be happy with a virtually sexless marriage for the rest of your lives. If one of you starts to feel differently or another person ignites a bit of a spark in one of you, things will change.

Infrequent sex in a long marriage is probably quite common. Both partners indefinitely being happy with that? Probably a lot less common.

@Ap1980 I meant if your wife started initiating more often, would you go with it even though it’s not on top of your list?

I agree with this. I get horngry 😂😂 if I leave it to long but luckily my husband is always willing to oblige even if I wake him up in the middle of the night 😂😂

Thank you for saying this!
I’ve never understood the ”bonding” thing.
For a long time I thought that there was something wrong with me because sex isin’t meaningfull or important thing to me and most people seem to take it so seriously.

(And yes, there’s nothing wrong with that, don’t come at me, I’m just having a little vent)