What’s the point in sex?

[Ap1980]

I’m a man, so clearly not a stereotypical one. I don’t actually see the point in sex, I never really have done, other than conceiving. Always been one of those “expected” parts of a relationship but I can quite easily go without it, and have done happily… in a few relationships.

im married, have been for 12 years, we don’t have sex very often, in fact haven’t for over a year, and probably three times since our second child was born, 5 years ago.

Never been the most sexual person, could probably say similar of my wife too, the definition of sexless fits us down to a tee, well less than 10 times a year for about 10 years.
I love my wife too, our relationship is amazing, but prefer the cuddles and kisses over sex.

im surely not the only one who feels like this, is this wrong?

I've never been much of a fan of sex. I've never been able to orgasm through penetrative sex and tbh I can't really feel much down there!! Only manual stimulation works for me. Which I can do myself in a couple of minutes.
Secondly, and unfortunately, I find sex physically painful for the rest of my body. I am very overweight and I have herniated discs in my back. After sex, I will always suffer from back pain that can last for weeks. My husband and I struggle to fit together because of my weight so most positions are out. I absolutely hate the feeling of his body weight on top of me. I feel like I'm being crushed and can't breath.
If I was a skinny woman, with no chronic pain conditions, I think I would enjoy being thrown around etc but unfortunately I can't so it takes all the fun out of it for me.

💤Special flowers with special names for special categories of specialness.

Why aren't the men tied up?

I would break my doorframe 😂

Not really relevant for people who have never been much interested in sex. 🙄

But lots of people think that sex isn't essential. It might be essential for you, but what qualifies you to speak for relationships in general?

Interesting, I have very little interest in sex and don’t seem to get the “pleasure and wow” out of it others do. So how would what you posted help there?

I honestly thought I had no interest in sex and really couldn’t understand why others did - and one friend in particular spent so much time and energy on men -till I met one who just fired me up insanely from the get-go. I really don’t understand what it is about him because he is the only man I have been attracted since I met my ex H 30 years ago and I am about 8 years past the menopause.

You asked what the point of sex was and someone gave you their answer..🤷‍♀️

I love stories like this of post menopausal women! Gives me hope!

What an incredibly unhelpful and grim thing to post.

I think love, respect and empathy is essential in healthy relationship. You see it as being penetrated while being trussed up like Christmas turkey. Wow.

And what is it about that link to misogynist S&M ‘sex toys’ did you think says ‘healthy relationship advice’? Because I can tell you that link has nothing at all to do with those three words.

''@ArtixLynx
I'm functionally Asexual/demisexual.. I can 100% leave it unless i'm in a relationship with a strong emotional bond to my partner.''

I really don't understand why we have reached a point where wanting to have an actual emotional, loving connection with the person you have sex with and wanting to be in a committed relationship with them is considered ''demisexual''.

I would consider it a common scenario, if not what the majority of people would want.

I know the media is pushing the agenda that everyone is having casual sex on a regular basis and is very happy to separate sex from romance/emotions/love or that sex is on the same level as ordering the take-away these days. Or that people are happy having open relationships with several partners.

But I am really not sure that this is the default setting for most people.

So for me the ''Demi-sexual'' is meaningless. There is nothing ''Demi'' about wanting a strong emotional bond with the person you sleep with.

@Redqueenheart

Demisexual is usefull for thise who are looking/ the beginning of relationship.
Because they need time before the attraction comes.
It could take months.
And since, it seems, most people want to ”test drive” or whatever after few dates (hours), it’s helpfull to them to know who they are and explain it to people they are seeing.

emotional, loving connection with the person you have sex with and wanting to be in a committed relationship

I would consider it a common scenario, if not what the majority of people would want.

So many men, IRL % online seem to just want sex, easy sex.
Many have said easy sex is why they are in a relationship, so it doesn’t mean there is love or connection.
Often it seem men claim they ”love” through sex when they try to manipulate a woman.
I don’t believe men feel any ”connections” through sex, they just want to get off.

I don’t connect love and sex either.
I’d be perfectly fine to be in a loving relationship without sex.

@YouAreNotBatman

I don’t think that cynical view of men is accurate. I think the majority of men do prefer the connection that comes from sex within a close relationship. I remember reading a research piece which also found this is what most men wanted from a sexual relationship. Even most men seeking affairs want them within a friendly relationship with their affair partner.

I have thought that ‘Demi sexual’ provides a useful explanation for young women who dn’t want casual sex, as it’s an explanation accepted by peers. But I do find it a bit depressing that young women d ‘t feel comfortable, or don’t think it would be well received, if they simply said, ‘ I like to really know someone before I have sex’. We should all be able to state our preferences within relationship and feel they are respected ( without needing to justify them as an ‘identity). That is the state I would like us to get to as a society.

And I also think it’s normal for attraction to take months. For those of us dating pre the online era, this was entirely normal. That there was a guy within your friendship group, and it was only as you got to know them as a person, over a long period ( yes, months!), that attraction would develop and you realised you’d actually like to go out with them.

I don’t think this means my generation was unknowingly ‘ generation demisexual’ but just that it’s entirely common and normal for attraction and bonding to come from actually getting to know someone as s person.

Maybe online dating, with rejecting people on their photos, has changed perceptions of where attraction comes from, and has led young people to think it is unusual for attraction to develop from knowing someone well?

I think she was suggesting you may not be with someone who floats your boat and that person may be out there and want to shag like a rabbit

I disagree. I love the bones of my wife, always have done.
my query to that post was mainly the link, and how that helps someone with no interest on sex… how does linking S&M change that? I’m not bothered about simple sex, the other is highly unlikely to appeal

If you're both happy it's fine.

I like penetrative sex, but not giving or receiving oral, not giving handjobs really (I usually give all this but don't enjoy doing it.) In my next relationship (marriage) I'm going to be very clear what I will and won't do and not do anything I don't want to do, as I feel like that's how sex should be for both parties. Nothing should be done if disliked, out of a sense of obligation.

Of course it's perfectly possible that with my next partner (husband) I won't feel this way and might be open to doing more things.

I'm Catholic so supposedly spouses aren't supposed to refuse each other sex when asked without 'good reason.' It'd be interesting to try and live that way.

I never knew that about being catholic. Seems a bit of an odd one if you ask me.

I agree with only doing what you feel comfortable with, and want to do.

I can't find the bit of the thread where someone randomly posted a link about S&M. Could someone quote their post for my curiosity please?

I disagree with those saying a marriage without sex is just a friendship. Spouses have so much more of a thorough involvement in the details of each other's lives than friends do. They are (or should be) each other's helpmeet and life partner. I mean, in our later years most of us will stop having sex. But no one would argue that close spouses in their 80s and 90s or whatever no longer have a marital bond unlike those they have with anyone else.

I still do a lot for my ex partner but that's a bit pathological.

I never knew that about being catholic. Seems a bit of an odd one if you ask me.

@Ap1980 Yep it's definitely a bit outside the norm. We believe they become 'one flesh' and so your body no longer belongs just to you but also your spouse. So there's a marital right for both the husband and the wife. Of course this doesn't make rape ok, it still has to be voluntary. I think Catholic feminists understandably try and say just not being in the mood should be a good enough reason.

I appreciate the reply. How sex came to be so bad for both of us is a very long story and as you say is not helped by a combination of personality and relationship history factors (yes, I am quite anxious in general) that are best not to go into here! She has complained about sex before and she does find it difficult to orgasm with me, but when we talk about how to make it better she either tells me there's nothing I can do or refuses to discuss it, even when it's plain to see she hasn't enjoyed it. It gives me the feeling that I'd rather not do it at all than do it badly, and obviously I don't want to go near her if I suspect she doesn't really want it or will not enjoy it (for this reason I have not initiated any sex for about 6 years).

I do still feel sexual and would definitely like to have sex with someone, but in the current situation it's just not possible for it to be fulfilling. We have a young daughter so I'm not prepared to leave for this reason, and from our conversations it seems like this is what's keeping her here too, even though she says that's not the case. It's a big mess, to be honest!

Catholics can’t refuse sex without a good reason? ‘I don’t want to’ is a good reason!

There is nothing wrong with not wanting sex, or not wanting it very often. People have different sex drives, other interests, other experiences, or just simply their biological make up.

If your wife does feel the same, then you are a couple who are matched, which is a good thing in my opinion.

You don't feel romantic love for a sibling or friend. You do for your life partner.

My partner and I don't have sex, but we are in a romantic relationship, like other (all) other couples.

HTH

Oh and you probably don't kiss, cuddle, stroke, "groom" or sleep with your siblings or friends either. That's because you are not in a romantic relationship them.