What’s the point in sex?

[Ap1980]

I’m a man, so clearly not a stereotypical one. I don’t actually see the point in sex, I never really have done, other than conceiving. Always been one of those “expected” parts of a relationship but I can quite easily go without it, and have done happily… in a few relationships.

im married, have been for 12 years, we don’t have sex very often, in fact haven’t for over a year, and probably three times since our second child was born, 5 years ago.

Never been the most sexual person, could probably say similar of my wife too, the definition of sexless fits us down to a tee, well less than 10 times a year for about 10 years.
I love my wife too, our relationship is amazing, but prefer the cuddles and kisses over sex.

im surely not the only one who feels like this, is this wrong?

That's a shame @SleeptightDaisy and I can't understand why he would find that acceptable. Pretty unfair on you.

I've been with my partner 10 years 2 small kids, work 4 days a week and have put on weight and i am exhausted with life

I can't stand the thought of sex a a my partner isn't bothered either we hug and kiss but as for anything else not interested

For the people saying their partner is happy with no sex, but they have never discussed this with a partner. I knew a guy who was cheating on his partner ( for years!) as his relationship was sexless. He said he had never told his partner he was unhappy with this, as alerting her to this may alert her to the fact he was having affairs. He didn’t want that conversation as he didn’t want to face where it may lead.

And yes, they were physically tactile too, hugs and other loving touches. But no sex.

If it’s just your age that makes you feel stuck, i think 50 is a brilliant age to strike out and start anew.

A lot of relationships continue on that basis. I always thought the partner knew but turned a blind eye, but you're right, from some of the comments on here maybe it just never occurred to them that there was a discussion to be had.

I don't have a problem, personally, with people looking outside their marriage for sex if it's a dead bedroom at home. I always imagined the partners felt the same - it was outsourcing a 'chore'.

Yeah thats what its like when really aroused and turned on, but it doesnt happen every time. Even the times its not like that, it usually still feels pretty good though on a physical and emotional level.

When ive been on certain medications though in the past, ive lost the ability to get properly aroused and lost interest in sex, but it always felt like a loss in my life to not have that

I'm functionally Asexual/demisexual.. i can 100% leave it unless i'm in a relationship with a strong emotional bond to my partner.

With my ExH i just went off it completely, it bored me and i hated every second, avoided him completely until i just left because he was essentially sexually harassing me constantly/verbally abusing me (thats another story.) and just assumed my ace status had taken over things.. resigned myself to no sex and i was ok with that.

However, since then, in a new relationship where i've learned i can be intimate again, i've also learned that i find normal 'vanilla' sex is boring, and i get a much higher kick out of being the dominant partner.. current BF is very submissive in bed and kink is very much part of our playtime, and i feel like a whole new person... but i still find PIV fucking boring if i'm not in control.

Interest in sex doesn't need to be heteronormative, and it may be if you dont enjoy it that that you simply haven't found a way to have sex that does it for you, you could also be on the Ace spectrum somewhere.

Also, to the poster commenting 'if you need to sort yourself out, you still need sex' its different, there is the desire to have sex WITH someone, and there is the bodies natural hormonal changes that make us feel turned on.. being turned on does not mean you want sex with someone else. Even people who are Ace and sex repulsed will often still masturbate because of their own hormonal fluctuations.

@ArtixLynx
i can’t see anything in your post that suggests you are asexual. Just that you were having sex you didn’t enjoy, so stopped. That’s entirely normal. Now you have sex you do enjoy and want to carry on. Again, that’s normal.

You (and other people) really don't have anything else going for your relationship other than sex?

Shouldn’t they then just be fuck buddies?

That just goes to show how ignorant you are about how being demisexual, which comes under the asexual umbrella actually works.

That’s a bit of an extreme response . Either hardly any sex or fuck buddies? Most folk sit somehow in the middle.
For many people sex is an important part of their partner bonding. For many, sex feels great emotionally and physically and they want it because as well as bonding it makes them feel good.
no way would I tolerate being in a pretty much sexless relationship.

I've just googled demisexual. The definition sounds like having normal healthy boundaries for a relationship and only have good sex with someone you have a connection with. Doesn't sound like asexual at all where it doesn't matter how much you connect, or how good the sex is, you don't want it.

Well I think it just goes to show how these are meaningless made up labels and categories.

As does your aggressive and unenlightening response.

Only wanting to have sex with people you genuinely like and have real emotional feelings for is also entirely normal and nothing whatsoever to do with being asexual. I don't think only wanting to have sex with people you like needs a label, but give it the label demi-sexual if you want. But that's nothing to do with being asexual and the fact that someone or some group has decided to stick demisexual under that label , does not mean that is a real thing. Its an entirely made up ideological construction of categories.

Being 'demisexual' is not asexual unless NOT being asexual means you will shag anyone on a whim whether you like them or not, which is clearly a category of NOT asexuality so wide as to be utterly meaningless.

Its an entirely made up ideological construction of categories.

^ well said

I wouldn't care if I never had sex again, but I suspect that is more common in females than in males.

Perhaps I've just been with my partner far too long, but I feel like I've 'done' sex now, and don't have much interest in it any more 🤣 Like many other things, Eg. clubbing, binge drinking, studying, I did it lots as a teenager and now I'm bored of it.

What is the average amount of sex though? I can assume whatever it is, we’ve probs my always been under that amount. It’s just never been a major part of our relationship.

We have discussed it a few times. Not something usually brought up in conversation though as it’s not something we are really “doing”.

I have once or twice thought I maybe failing as a man in general by not following stereotypes etc, but to be honest, I never really have been that enamoured by it. I’ve not really missed it. Sometimes a bit awkward when, and everyone has one, one of those friends who constantly goes on about his sex life and what they do etc, goes on about it.

I just went by what the other commenter said.
If sex is the only thing that makes it a relationship (for them) then why not keep it simple and be, well fuck buddies.
I don’t know why you talking about ”bonding” and stuff, it has nothing to do with what the other person said….

Sex does distinguish a couple relationship from a friend or family relationship though. It’s hardly a novel concept. I know several of people who live with siblings or friends, for example, and have pets and go on holiday together and spend a lot of time in each other’s company, and eat dinner together most nights and are each other’s emotional support, and are physically affectionate, and adore the bones of each other. What differs a sexless couple from them? Surely you’re just really good friends?

I suppose the difference is that sex is an option, whereas for a sibling (hopefully) or a friend it’s not on the table. I think sex brings a bare-all intimacy that just isn’t present in relationships where sex isn’t an option. I don’t think it matters that the sex isn’t frequent because it is (or has been previously and may, if the feeling arises, be in future) there in some form.

On a wider note and more general pondering, I also think kissing and cuddling are important facets of the overarching sexual experience that we should be careful not to undervalue.

I agree on the physical affection - and to clarify, I don’t personally believe that friendship is a “just” anything: I think a deep, close, long-standing platonic friendship can be just as rewarding and significant a relationship as a couple one which involves sex - and I know two pairs of friends who are, to all intents and purposes, couples in every way except them using the term or having it recognised and validated externally. Which is why I think it’s quite an interesting distinction that society makes, that different pairs of people in near-identical types of relationships where sex isn’t involved, have such a different status.

normal people, so i am told by my friends who aren't asexual, can look at someone on telly, in a magazine, in the club and think 'they're sexy/good looking/attractive' maybe even go as far as consider what it'd be like to have sex with them/want to have sex with them, be able to have a One Night Stand even.. OR.. they can meet somone and start dating them as a partner within a couple of weeks.

For me as somene on a asexual spectrum none of that applies. i don't find people attractive just from looking at them/meeting them. the idea of sex physically repulses me, actually to the point of turns my stomach/makes me recoil if anyone touches me in that way/says anything like that/flirts with me. I don't fantasise, i don't get 'turned on' by the idea of it... its a complete switch off.

The only time i find people attractive is after i've spent a lot of time getting to know them, become close friends with them.. i'm talking months to years before i can develop that kind of closeness to garner any kind of interest on engaging with sex with someone.

That is why my 'demi-sexuality' is classed as being on the asexual spectrum.

@ArtixLynx

i can 100% leave it unless i'm in a relationship with a strong emotional bond to my partner

What do you think 'normal' people are doing? Emotionless sex-for-the-sake-of-sex? What do you think 'normal' people do when they're not in an emotionally bonded relationship? Do you think it's a permanent fuckfest-with-strangers/wankathon?

Many people's sexual desire drops dramatically unless they're in a loving relationship. You're not 'demi-sexual'; you want sex to have an emotional component.

Stop looking for ways to not be normal. Your experience is standard human fodder.

But @ArtixLynx your own accounts make it clear you are part of the sexual spectrum. When the conditions are right for you with the right person you want sex and there is a type of sex you enjoy.

i can’t agree that it makes any sense to call someone who enjoys sex, in the right conditions, with the right person, asexual. .

And btw, it’s not that unusual for straight women to not really be bothered by piv sex. I never enjoyed it with most partners, and if I’d stayed with my H I would have gone to my grave thinking I just wasn’t bothered by it.

The only time i find people attractive is after i've spent a lot of time getting to know them,

^ well that's normal for loads of people. I don't see why you need a special name for not wanting to have sex with just anyone. Most people on a recent did you fancy your spouse immediately thread said no too.