What’s the point in sex?

[Ap1980]

I’m a man, so clearly not a stereotypical one. I don’t actually see the point in sex, I never really have done, other than conceiving. Always been one of those “expected” parts of a relationship but I can quite easily go without it, and have done happily… in a few relationships.

im married, have been for 12 years, we don’t have sex very often, in fact haven’t for over a year, and probably three times since our second child was born, 5 years ago.

Never been the most sexual person, could probably say similar of my wife too, the definition of sexless fits us down to a tee, well less than 10 times a year for about 10 years.
I love my wife too, our relationship is amazing, but prefer the cuddles and kisses over sex.

im surely not the only one who feels like this, is this wrong?

Have you ever met anyone who makes your knees weak, and feel like you desperately want to have sex with them, OP?

Is that really how things feel to some people? I'm just curious. Because while I am quite often aesthetically attracted to someone who looks good or even just has a nice personality, it's never of a "I desperately feel an urge to have sex" with them variety. Is that actually common?

I know you asked the OP this, but I feel pretty much the same way as him (about sex)!and I have met a few people like that and gone on to have sex with them. Once the novelty wears off I lose interest in sex gradually over time, I’ve also never felt like sex lived up to the hype even when I’ve been extremely attracted to someone. I prefer kissing and touching rather than actual sex. It was fun, I was turned on, I orgasmed, it scratched an itch, but I still don’t understand the obsession.

I’m absolutely not asexual, I just genuinely don’t understand the obsession and hype surrounding sex, for me it’s nice to do now and again when the urge takes us and it’s definitely something that’s more exciting in the beginning of a relationship, but in a long term relationship I can mostly live without it. I’m happy to have it a few times a year and have kisses and cuddles instead.

I’m pleased for you.

but we are far from miserable

I’m not sure I have. I’ve met people I’ve really liked, but never met someone and thought I really want to take you to bed now

Yes, it is how it feels to me.

In the past I've had a "lightning bolt" type feeling of attraction to someone a couple of times, (which I guess was a hormonal thing) and in relationships, the "can't keep your hands off each other" strong desire for each other.

Yes, that’s how I feel with current guy. I’ve been seeing him two years and the sex has got better and better. I can literally feel my body becoming aroused just sitting next to him on a park bench. I fancy the absolute arse off him! It’s quite overpowering!

I feel very sorry for people who can't experience sexual pleasure. It's one of the greatest things in life IMO, it is good for both physical and psychological health, it brings you closer to your DP, it is very pleasurable, it is very easy to do and it is free!

I am 63 now, it's more than half a century since I first had what was then delicately known as a wet dream. And I've never looked back, I've repeated the experience on a frequent and regular basis, first with myself and later adding DPs into the mix. I still enjoy both sex with my DW and masturbation the pleasure from both seems to get more intense as I get older. Of course there have been times when I have not performed well but - as with anything else in life - there is a certain amount of trial and error, especially in your younger years - but with a willing and helpful partner problems will be overcome and pleasure maximised on both sides.

Spent a few hours looking on AVEN site. Never knew such a thing existed, both site and the “label”. I guess like most labels, it’s self given based on your own experience.

Theres a fair bit of truths ringing from what I’ve read though. Will keep exploring, maybe I am

I've only had that overwhelming response to a few people... really only one, and sex with him is always off the scale.

I'm afraid my sex drive is usually even more basic than that and, within reason, anyone would do really. When I'm ovulating, the urge is almost overwhelming at times.

The strength of people's orgasms varies a lot, just as it does for an individual over time and depending on situation. I often wonder if the people who aren't that fussed just don't have particularly strong orgasms. That's something you can partly control with pelvic floor exercises, diet, exercise, partner technique, but is probably also partly innate (just my personal theory).

I don’t think there’s anything ‘wrong’ with you at all. It’s lovely you are in a relationship that suits your (and their) needs. Isn’t that the dream?

if you’re happy- be happy.

Are you anxious in general? I only ask as it sounds like you are quite anxious around sex and feel the need to be "good" at it in order to have it.

I agree with you to an extent. It's important that both people enjoy it and usually, it's a given the man will have an orgasm but not always the woman, so yes, more focus does have to be on pleasuring the woman so she can orgasm.

BUT that technique's usually nailed down early in a relationship. I've been with my partner over 15 years, we met young. My partner was inexperienced when we met and does, even now, tend to climax fairly quickly. So we've mastered a technique to give us orgasms at the same time and slow down the sex. We did that early on, so now, over a decade later, we regularly have sex where neither one has to do much thinking. I don't have to worry about him, nor him me. We know the score and we know that we'll both come away satisfied.

The sex you describe sounds pressurised. It sounds like you still worry about how to satisfy your wife, 10 years on. Has she complained about the sex before? Does she find it difficult to orgasm?

For me, sex isn't the be all and end all. We probably have it between 1-4 times a month depending on what else is going on. But there are times of month especially when I'm particularly turned on and I do find it hard to go to bed without it when in that mood. For me, it's a chance to let go and have fun. It's different from masterbation. It's a chance to talk a bit dirty, and have a quick release. And we're normally feeling a bit more harmonious and united for a while after.

It's not essential though, and if it works to be sexless for you both, then that's fine! We're all different and what works for some, doesn't for others.

Sometimes I look at an attractive man and wonder what it would be like to have sex with them. I'm in a happy relationship so don't tend to yearn for anyone else but I definitely get sexually turned on by a good looking man with muscular arms! 😂

My partner could have written your post op, we're very happy in a stable, long term loving relationship that is sexless. It works for us.

It’s good to know we aren’t alone in being happy about it :)

regardless of the reasons

I'm not sure what would make my relationship different to a sibling or friend relationship if we didn't want to have sex with each other.

I know you say you are really close but it sounds like you've never spoken to her about it, which strikes me as odd. Have you never even had a conversation along the lines of "we have sex much less than average...are you ok with this?"

Husband? That you? I'm in a marriage similar. Suits us even tho I feel like we should be doing it more because that's what's "expected"

Not sure this guy has ever discussed it with his wife though?

I guess you don't rock the boat and ask questions you might not like the answer to. But yeah, I agree. OP should really just double check he's got the right end of the stick because many of us know women who are quietly wondering whether to leave a relationship for this very reason.

I'm not sure what would make my relationship different to a sibling or friend relationship if we didn't want to have sex with each other.

Exclusivity. Living together. Doing most things together. Raising children. Having pets together. Financial connection. Like.. hundreds of things.

I haven't had this feeling since my thirties.

Disagree. I very occasionally masturbate but I wouldn’t describe it as sexual, more like scratching an itch.

I think as long as you are both on the same page (as such) then it doesn't matter. The problems occur when you are miss matched I've begun to hate my husband he never wants to have sex but is more than happy to mastubate himself. My self esteem had taken a nose dive over the years. I feel unloved and unwanted if only he had said earlier on that he preferred masturbation to partner sex I would have had a choice now I feel in struck in a rotting marriage at nearly 50 years old.

Well… let me break you the news… 🤣😂🤣