Dating Thread 232 - Loving Ourselves First

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Worsy It’s quite strange. I feel super in control . I’m seeing him again Tuesday out in the city and then lunch. I told him I was sorry but he can’t come with me in the evening as I am seeing MrEx. It’s good 👍🏼
Id really like to keep him as a friend if we can’t develop a proper relationship. He’s wonderful fun and a cultural powerhouse.

@LuckyLinda3 …it’s understandable you are unsure. If this feeling of something nagging you about him persists, you will have issues as partners. Perhaps talk to him about what really bothers you?

@Daisysunset … do you think there’s any chance MrTrain can give you what you need? Perhaps you know the answer deep down. I agree with Worsy , perhaps good to sleep on it a bit longer

LuckyLinda3

what’s the WhatsApp concern
do you think he’s messaging other women ?
sounds doubtful but also maybe you are more bruised than you realised ?

@Mila14 and @Thisisworsethananticpated I know that him going on POF so soon really hurt me. I told him that it had created a doubt and he assured me he was only interested in me. His profile has since been removed/hidden (the friend who saw it first checked). He knows I'm hurt, he can sense it. He has been sending lovely messages all weekend and I do think he's genuine but I think I've gone backwards and it will take work on both sides to make up ground again. A friend said to me sure if he wanted to be with someone else a breakup was the perfect time...I think this is definitely my issue this time.

Still nothing. I am beginning to think maybe i was his ‘bit on the side’ and maybe he got
found out? I survived the weekend though and honestly don’t feel as bad as i thought i would. I suppose in all honesty it wasn’t ever going to go anywhere long-term even if that is what i had hoped. If he ever comes back i have no clue how i’ll react but its obvious i never really knew him. In other news i had to let a really really good friend down as he told me yesterday he had developed feelings for me. I love him to pieces but there is no chemistry there for me at all. And we’ve had many a drunken night and never stepped over the friendship line. So he is taking some time for himself. Ugh. The ones you want complicate life no end and those who want you just don’t do anything for you at all… such a catch-22! Guess staying single is wise for now! Although @Stepcount finding a FWB is super tempting at the moment. Hope you all have good starts to the week!

@LuckyLinda3
did you ever have trust issues with him before? It’s obviously understandably made you feel insecure that he went on pof and maybe it’s just going to take time to get the trust feeling back (if you never felt insecure before this).

Just take your time but I think you should trust him fully until you have real reason not to?

@Naimee87 whatever the reason he's behaved nastily… didn’t he do this once before, a long time ago??
I would be very wary about letting someone back in my life who’s done this not once but twice now

.

@Thisisworsethananticpated @Mila14 I don't think there is much of a chance he can give me what I want, to be honest. I really wish I could be happy with what he's offering - which I can see is a lot for him - but I've had a little distance from him now, he's not in my head so much and I think I've lost whatever I had. I wish I hadn't.

I won't do anything hasty, but I think I know where this is going...

Daisysunset

this is better than the alternative
of going back and getting hurt again

it’s sad , but the alternative is sadder

I get it , some incidents can’t be forgotten

I’m envious , and think this is actually a good outcome

@LuckyLinda3 it's when those seeds of doubt creep in, isn't it - especially with the whole WhatsApp deal. If you know someone's routines fairly well to suddenly see them online a lot more than usual gives you that knot in your stomach.

Do you think there's any way back for you? I think it will take work on both sides for me and Mr Train too, but I don't know that I have the energy to put that work in anymore.

@Naimee87 you inadvertently being the OW sounds feasible I guess, from the complete radio silence now. What an absolute dickhead - whatever the reason he's treated you appallingly. And yes - the ones you want don't want you, the ones who want you, you don't want 🙄

@ButterflyOfShay yes last year we went 3 months without chatting/seeing each other. Health stuff, major back issues and hospital visits and him being let go from his job. We rekindled things in August last year after what i thought were some good healthy discussions about keeping each other happy. But yep its pretty much the shittiest way to behave. I feel kind of relieved though and bizarrely kind of ‘free’. If i ever hear from him he won’t be hearing from me! 💪🏻💪🏻 Whats your story at the moment? You back in the office.

@ButterflyOfShay and @Daisysunset yes I had trust issues at the start and I would have been the same with anyone. He has never done anything to give me any reason so I think you're right its just the whole POF thing and will take time. He was messaging away about when we can meet again so I think we will meet today or tomorrow and as you say I should trust him in meantime as he hasn't given me a reason not to.

Love this💗😂

@Daisysunset …whatever you do think about what matters to you first. If it’s long term partner he has to fit the bill.
@Naimee87 …I don’t know why he has behaved this way ghosting you completely. I would say he really isn’t into this relationship anymore for whatever reason. Don’t overthink and see yourself as the bit on the side because you don’t know this either. I’d say look around and check other people. Maybe he will contact you back one day but at least you know you would need a heck of an explanation

LuckyLinda3

to be fair he has bruised you twice
when you split
and with POF

so it’s ok to feel hurt , wary and have some thinking time

and even if his POF was reactive (which it was ) it’s still hurt

so it’s understandable you feel wary
I’d be the same

@LuckyLinda3 . I really think his POF profile up was totally insignificant. He was raging inside and in search of validation after you guys went separate ways. That really does not mean he’s not in love with you. I should know because I’ve done the exact same thing myself. Being very in love, relationship takes a stop, me straight to opening profile…relationship went back on track….me closing the stupid profile immediately and feeling like an idiot. I think you may having more to considerations than that stupid profile…and if that is the case, you need more soul searching about what is it you like from him and what is it you don’t. I hope you get some clarity

I’m still on the fence with MrO. I slept well and feel super calm about it all. Looking forward to seeing him tomorrow but because we are doing things I’m passionate about and not having sex and because I will dress up to the nines in the evening to go to fancy place with Mr Ex.
I’m not sure of what I want…but I’m loving the now, here…
By the way…I am incognito but had a browse in Bumble just for kicks…Mr Wall, who needs to work on himself, get counselling and blah blah has a new profile there !😂😂😂😱

Thanks ladies @Mila14 and @Thisisworsethananticpated. Hes off today but was messaging at 8am to organise meeting up again. You are probably right about POF Mila, reading your post helped me see that. I think I might just go with another meet up and take it from there.

I had a Date#2 with the lovely man Mr Art I'd been sporadically texting over the summer (and had a fabulous Date#1 last week) with plans to head to his potentially for Date3

BUT then I had a terrible sleepless night with a realisation that he'd demonstrated a red flag for me - he didn't and doesn't ask any Qs of me despite a 'I want to know everything about you' statement in previous weeks.

I've recorded him a voice note saying I find it a turnoff dating someone who isn't genuinely curious about who I am, where I've come from, what my opinions/dreams etc are. And that I can't/won't fall for someone who isn't up for two-way quizzing one another or deep chats about our tribes/backstory etc.

He's either a shaggy fucker hence no interest in me or he's not for me as he isn't as curious about his potential gf as he should be.

Bum. He ticks a huge percentage of boxes but this one missing is huge for me.

I'll send the voice note and see what happens. Might still go out dinner on Date#3 and either not go back to his or go back and assume it's for no-strings attached 2-dimensional FWB rather than the potential love of my life.

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss …totally understand your point. I’m not into fuckers but this is a huge red flag. Go and enjoy and see what happens…perhaps he wants to get to know you over dinner and in person??? Go to that date and decide afterwards 😊

@Mila14 I am doing alright all things considered but every now and again i get like little pangs of sadness because he was one of those -good morning- messagers, almost without fail when he was up for his shifts early hours of the morning. So i had them to wake up to. Kind of missing those but on the flip side i actually feel freer than i have felt in a long while. I think i had become a bit too dependent on those messages. Three weeks today since anything even went through to his phone. I highly doubt i will get any kind of explanation, cannot even imagine him reappearing at this stage. So I will live my dating life through you as you seem to have SO much going on i dont know how you have the headspace for it all but its sooo intriguing.
@Daisysunset it has really thrown me because my gut never told me anything was off this whole time... and especially right before he went on holiday. It just makes me wonder how do ever really know someone and trust them. I thought i would feel worse but so far today has been fine. I really hope it stays that way and i dont into a psycho and go contacting him through the other channels. Unless a life threatening injury has happened to him or a relative(which i dont hope) there is no way he can have any explanation.

My friends text saying he needs space from me as i have been 100% clear i am not going to explore any type of relationship with him and can only ever be his friend. Really tough as he is one of the absolute good good good guys. My DS got along with him too. But i had thought i had been clear from the get-go. Seems not. Ill take this week as a calm/peaceful non-social one, focus on work(ugh! unfortunately) DS and our dog. She is the funniest thing and absolutely puts me in a good mood. God, I sure do know how to lose men dont i 😂

Naimee87

my only concern is about letting him fade away Scott free , is that without any answers or explanation its going to be hard to trust someone again

that said we are all different and handle things differently and there is no right way
as this is pretty staggering behaviour

I just dont know what to do? I flip between not wanting to know. Which since mid-last week has been what i thought best. Then thinking i do deserve an answer but then do i actually want an answer... it isnt exactly going to be good news?