Dating Thread 232 - Loving Ourselves First

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I concur 😬

💜💜

Morning!
So i have made the decision 100% not to try to reach him. I dont want to open the can of worms or set myself back with wondering if he will reply and what he will say etc... i slept so well last night and have woken up feeling like i just dont want or need to deal with any of the rollercoaster drama anymore. How i feel now i really have no desire to find out how he is. If he ever comes back and offers any reason for his silence you will all be the firsts to know 😉

You’re doing better than you think. This period of sort of waking up to our patterns can feel very depressing but actually it’s the beginning of the end as you now know and can change.

I felt so depressed at the ending of my last two relationship things and as though I was destined to a life of anxiety in relationships, choosing inappropriate men, accepting crumbs.

I honestly don’t feel as though I’ve changed at all but what has changed this time round is the behaviour of the man I “chose” to date. He’s just straightforward and has made it clear from the get go he’s into it. No anxiety, no “anxious attachment”, no limerence from me. And I almost binned him off at the start because he was too nice and I normally go for swagger.

I’m under no illusion that I have anything sorted, he’s not perfect and it could all go tits up. But it has made me realise I’m not broken, I just need someone to be properly into it. It does seem to be true what they say - if it’s ‘right’ you don’t question each text endlessly, or worry about what they really think. It’s not you, it’s them and their confusing signals and our inability to realise that “confusing = not good enough”, as opposed to “confusing = a riddle I must crack in order to work out if they’re into me”.

I think it was said upthread about being addicted to the chase where someone is unavailable but you sort of convince yourself they will change. Which likely is never going to happen. I think of those i dated there were some really decent men, and they would have made such nice partners but it was just sooo boring, they were too predictable and the spark just vanished from one day to the next. I guess i musnt be quite ready to settle down properly. Unfortunately the treat em mean, keep em keen approach still seems to work on me. MM was always unpredictable which just added to the excitement and anticipation would build too and when we saw each other it was amazing. Guess he just didnt feel the same way at all....

@Naimee87 I thought you and Mr MM were FWB but some of the things you say hint towards a relationship.
Had you ever discussed what you were?

You're doing great with dealing with this, there are other sandal wearing, bum bag wearing lorry drivers out there😂

@SortingItOut oh my god you remember him well, perfectly described down to the bumbag! 😂Sadly thats what i got for him for his birthday present a brand new bumbag! Well he has missed the opportunity to upgrade from his current one hasnt he. We did have many many discussions especially with us restarting things last August. But we only ever stayed at exclusive FWB if that is even a thing, well its what i truly believed we were, who knows now. We dont live in the same country and jobs/kids made any merging of lives impossible. So we kept it just us... I absolutely love the idea of another trucker man but got to be careful that im not just searching for another one of him... thing is i obviously have a type!
I was sorry to hear about the MrK story, not too sure of the details but definitely hope you are feeling better and i am sure you made the decision to part ways for good reason and long term happiness.

@Naimee87 My brain has a knack for remembering silly details😂
Honestly I have 2 bum bags and love them, my daughter (19) used to laugh but who was laughing this weekend when she went to a festival and wanted to borrow one?!

I think your FWB was so compartmentalised that you probably never talked about things like his home life so I guess he could have been married.
Either way you've had fun and you've got some great memories.

Thanks for your kind words, I'm feeling good at the moment (I know I dip during time of the month), I barely think about him but when I do I'm still gutted it's ended but it was the right thing to do.
I'm quite enjoying the search for an FWB

We can search together! And exchange notes although not going on the apps so maybe ill have to do some heckling as truckers pass by... see if i can get them to turn back around. 😂I think you were actually the one who made me think about the dip in emotions when the time of the month comes. Since learing that it really does ring true. So perhaps a propper wobble is inevitable. We did have some (well i thought they were) meaningful chats but im kind of doubting a heck of a lot now and i think this is why i would rather leave him to his disappearing act. I dont think hearing anything would make me feel better.

My DS is 13 this week and its just too complicated trying to date anyone properly. I always end up diving in head first then dive right back out again and he is left so confused. My really good friend needs space from me given feelings got involved from his side so again my DS got a but hurt because he really liked him. But i know i would never go there, no spark at all. So it really is just easier when its just me and DS. Thats why my setup with MM was really ideal because we were together just for us.

Naimee87

totally hear you on the pros of an FWB when you are a lone parent to teens

I’ve got two young teen males 80% of the time and rightly or wrongly I’ve convinced myself that it’s the only model that works

and in many ways a 2-3 hour hook up when I leave them home with some food and remote HAS worked amazingly at times

and my sons are very needy , insecure after the split and me leaving them with a babysitter for 2 longer evenings a week won’t swing
that I know

nor would a romantic weekend away (with my imaginary paramour !)

but what doesn’t work is the unpredictability and how my brain turns limerent
like crazily so

it’s a journey 😁

100% agree with ibelieve
I don’t feel particularly sorted or different. And I am dating a man who is not sorted at all. But I feel totally in control. He’s straight forward and clear and there are no games. I will decide as and when I need to whether this relationship has got legs or not. Right now it’s great not to be anxious.
I think we learn for ourselves what works for us really. We need to love ourselves a bit more, sounds trite but it’s so true

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Thank you - I feel better for reading your comment about doing better than I think, and that waking up to patterns is depressing but signals a shift in our behaviours. I think it's a partially a realisation I've been a complete walkover in previous relationships, and a desire not to be that person again, plus the unknown with Mr Train (Or Mr T as I now realise I should call him!)

I miss him, he's saying the right things since we met on Sunday and I want to go back with stronger boundaries, but I don't know if some of that is because I can't bear to go back on the apps again. But then again, if I'm not seeing someone I need that high of chatting to someone. But do I need all the anxieties that come with it... My counsellor has a lot of work ahead of her!

On that note, those of you that have seen/are seeing counsellors - how often do you see them?

Thank you for the limerence link @Thisisworsethananticpated. Some of that definitely resonates with me and how it isn't just like a drug addiction, it is an addiction and needs to be overcome.

And that it affects more emotionally complex people, who are deep thinkers. That's definitely me!

Daisysunset

I’ve only been dating for a year
but I’ve been flabbergasted at my own behaviour and how my brain 🧠 has been

even my friends are like ‘you crazy limer woman’

many in this thread and many of my friends have advised I get counselling 😁

and for the first time in a while I’m genuinely considering it

@Thisisworsethananticpated exactly same for me. A few hours here/there. DS content at home and i go get some me time! That i will miss MM was amazing in bed...😍will take a heck of a lot for me to want to go there again with someone. He just made me feel soo comfortable, chemistry was amazing every single time and right from the get-go.
@Daisysunset i think i tried making things work with MM because i had no desire whatsoever to go on any app and the thought of a first date is terrifyingly dull, thinking you have to start from the beginning again and say who you are and what your lifes like ugh! Not sure what my plan is going forward, maybe a FWB will magically land right into my lap 😂Surely im due some good karma from the universe as a way of making things right again while having to go through this massive ghosting-phase. Its weird because like your iron MM had stepped up massively and was also saying all the right things. But i guess it is actions that really matter...

@Thisisworsethananticpated I have never thought I needed counselling. I thought I was sorted in my head, it was just the men I was picking were absolute tools and it was their fault.

I'm starting to see that, whilst most of them were absolute tools, I don't seem to have the reserves to handle them, or to change what I'm doing to have healthier relationships.

I think I'm going through a period of reflection on what I need to change about myself rather than just hoping I pick a good one. Because realistically I wouldn't know what to do with a good one, I'm so used to the anxiety that comes with dating emotionally unavailable men. I need to learn to shut them down.

It upsets me as I feel I've let myself down, but better late than never I guess. I've just had a 30 minutes introduction with my counsellor and I cried during that, so goodness knows what I'll be like when the real ones begin (Thursday).

Daisysunset

It’s tough isn’t it x
facing our role . As the bloody book says there is only one starring person in this
ME

I see mine weekly but she’s expensive and I think I’m going to scale back to fortnightly soon.

I think your starting point with MrT should be explicitly stating what you need now, and what sort of relationship escalation you are looking for. And having the confidence to know that if he can’t give you that, then it’s sad but it’s not right and that none of this is a reflection of your worth as a partner but entirely a reflection of whether or not he’s got the “tractor” you need (not a typo 🤪)

And then knowing that no matter what, you WILL be okay, and his not being able to offer it bears no relationship to anyone in future being able to offer it.

@Naimee87 Happy to share notes, I currently have an 8 stage process to be an FWB so its a long hard slog😂

Relationships are tricky when you've got kids so do what feels right.

@Daisysunset I saw my counsellor weekly and then moved to 2 weekly then monthly and now I'm on as and when. If you can afford it weekly is good at the start to keep the momentum going.

Wow an 8 stage process! I have one main requirement, that he be a truck driver i would settle for him just having the license. But if a man cannot drive thats a no from me. That is my initial screening process.

@Naimee87 My new type now includes heavily tattooed men (as was Mr K).... god I miss him and the sex 😂

Love the 1 criteria😂

@SortingItOut so glad i posted! Seems we are currently located in the same boat. I shall let you know of any progress but given i work in a office/admin role, all the men are so up themselves and businessy cannot stand man in a suit...i have to go hangout at the construction sites for any eye-candy 😂

oh my goodness…. Awesome time with MrO…. Totally open emotionally…. I can fall for this guy and I can see the same in him. We had so much fun together and no sex … although he’s incredibly affectionate

shit

soon dinner with Mr Ex… WTF am I doing ???

I currently have an 8 stage process to be an FWB so its a long hard slog

an eight stage process, bloody hell- fire !
I’ve been doing a lot of work recently on the 4 stages of competency, but you have an 8 stage process, that’s some going!

I agree… I think I would not stand a chance if my date had so many points. I’m quite chaotic and don’t know exactly what makes me tick