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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think my dh fancies my friend

203 replies

fdkc · 19/08/2022 19:56

Ok this thought is actually taking over my whole life at the moment, I can think of nothing else. I even dream about it. I have a good friend who I became friends with 5 years ago when we moved across the street from her and our kids started playing together. She is a good friend and I enjoy her company. I have noticed over the last year or so that my husband really likes her personality wise which is fine cause she's good fun but what bothers me is he talks about her quite a bit. Just innocent things like "I saw Mary today", "have you heard from Mary lately" and if I have been to her house he'll ask how she is and if she had any news. She is also married.

I don't know whether I am going insane with jealousy because she is very attractive or I actually might have something to worry about. This thought never entered my head for the first few years of our friendship and we actually did alot of couples nights out before COVID. We met a few times in each others gardens during COVID but in the last year as we got back to seeing each other more, I feel my husband is definitely showing more interest in her than he would have done.

So my husband mentions her again last week and I lost it, I went bloody mental like a psycho actually. I don't know what came over me but my insecurities and jealousy took over and I flat out accused him of being obsessed with her, told him he never stops talking about her etc etc. In my defence I had my period. He was gobsmacked, he called me an absolute psycho, obviously denied outright that he fancied her at all. But guess what? I don't believe him. Please lay it out to me straight, am I a jealous psycho?

People say to trust your instincts and my instincts are telling me he fancies the pants off my friend.

Oh and what's worse is she is the biggest flirt in the world. She has always flirted with my husband but she flirts with every other male too. It never bothered me but now I actually hate her over it.

And the worst thing is, even if my dh does fancy her he will probably never admit it and I will never know for sure. It's completely affecting my relationship with my husband and my friend who I now hate even though she did nothing wrong apart from flirt but thats just her personality.

What can I do to put this out of my mind and get some peace back in my life?? And be real with me I can take it.

OP posts:

Shirty48 · 19/08/2022 20:13

Can you just see her on your own and stop the couples nights out/ her coming round to the house? To be fair I see most of my friends on my own/ outside of the house (not for this reason!) Then every single time he mentions highlight it.

Shirty48 · 19/08/2022 20:15

I hate women who flirt with other peoples - I think it is totally disrespectful and not the actions of a friend. It’s all about them getting an ego boost at your expense.

Shirty48 · 19/08/2022 20:15

Duh other people’s husbands!

badgerybadgerboo · 19/08/2022 20:16

Are you sure she's a friend?
Friends don't flirt with friends husbands...

MolliciousIntent · 19/08/2022 20:18

...sorry, I might be being dense, but I don't get why it matters of he fancies her? Crushes happen. I frequently get them on various people in my life, as does my husband. The postman, the lady in the office, that bloke he plays cricket with, the man over the road, etc etc. It's not a big deal!

Also, please don't blame your appalling behaviour on your period.

flossletsfloss · 19/08/2022 20:20

At the end of the day just because you're married doesn't mean you don't get crushes. Your instincts are almost certainly right and be fancies the pants off her. He probably can't get her out of his mind BUT that doesn't mean his relationship with you has anything wrong with it. He's a human being with feelings. I think you need to address your insecurities and also address your relationship. Do you trust him? Can you talk openly to him about it calmly? Try and remember why you are married, what it is you have and have an honest and calm conversation. I know it must be hard. You will get a lot of man haters saying he's a wanker and that your friend is a bitch yada yada yada but you need to be grown up. Talk to him properly.

OldFan · 19/08/2022 20:21

He shouldn'tve called you a psycho, he could just've tried to reassure you.

But I don't think you're wrong about him being into her anyway.

Her flirting with married men (including your husband) is not ok. I would dislike her and not want anything to do with her if I were you.

Original poster

fdkc · 19/08/2022 20:22

Shirty48 · 19/08/2022 20:13

In fairness I have stopped the couple's meet ups over the last year since I started getting suspicious. I usually see her on my own now but she did call to our house at the weekend, it was the first time they had seen each other in months, he has brought her up twice since then, that's why I lost the plot the second time.

OP posts:

Shirty48 · 19/08/2022 20:22

Having a crush and making it really obvious to your partner is tacky though, especially on a friend who also flirts with you.

We are all human everyone loses it sometimes!

GoneWithTheWine1 · 19/08/2022 20:23

Friends don't flirt with their friends husband. 🚩

Original poster

fdkc · 19/08/2022 20:23

Shirty48 · 19/08/2022 20:15

I hate women who flirt with other peoples - I think it is totally disrespectful and not the actions of a friend. It’s all about them getting an ego boost at your expense.

I know what you mean but that's just the way she is and it never bothered before. She is k own for this, she is also known as being a bit easy but that was before she was married.

OP posts:

goshy · 19/08/2022 20:23

Could he just like her? One of my DHs friends who is now one of my friends (known for decades) cracks me up & I love when he comes out.

Original poster

fdkc · 19/08/2022 20:24

badgerybadgerboo · 19/08/2022 20:16

Are you sure she's a friend?
Friends don't flirt with friends husbands...

She even flirts with her childhood best friends husband's, believe me it's her personality, I don't think she can help it

OP posts:

Original poster

fdkc · 19/08/2022 20:26

MolliciousIntent · 19/08/2022 20:18

Also, please don't blame your appalling behaviour on your period.

For some reason I have just developed this jealousy of her and the thought of him fancying her or imaging having sex with her drives me absolutely insane. I don't fancy anyone else, only my husband. Ye I have had crushes over the years but I never full on fancied anyone else. I don't know what's wrong with me but it is really affecting my life. I want to get over it, I need to get over it.

OP posts:

badgerybadgerboo · 19/08/2022 20:26

In that case she needs male attention to feel validated and self worth.

Which is very very sad.

I would mention this to your DH.

MolliciousIntent · 19/08/2022 20:27

she is also known as being a bit easy but that was before she was married
**
Well aren't you delightful. Between this and the fact that you seem to think menstruating is an excuse to verbally harass your partner, I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself, to be honest.

SafeHeaven · 19/08/2022 20:31

He might just like her as a person. There are people of the opposite sex who I like, it may come across like I fancy them but I don’t, I just like them as a person.

Original poster

fdkc · 19/08/2022 20:34

Ah guys you are not making me feel any better by saying he definitely fancies her 😭😭 I was hoping the replies would be your wrong and just being paranoid. The thoughts of him wanking over her actually turns my stomach. The fact that she is such a flirt and my dense husband has fallen for it really makes me so mad at him, I actually have less respect for him now.

I know being married doesn't mean you don't develop crushes but please have a bit of respect for your wife and don't fancy her friends, is that to much to ask?

In general we have a great marriage, we have been together 20 years and not a sniff of infidelity on either of our parts in all those years.

OP posts:

goshy · 19/08/2022 20:35

I think you are overreacting

SunnyD44 · 19/08/2022 20:35

Do you have many other friends?

I often talked about my DPs friends as I was genuinely interested in what they were up to etc so I don’t think that’s weird in itself.

You say you don’t really meet up as a couple anymore. Does he try and meet up with her?

I think he may have a crush on her but he may not.
Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do apart from telling him how you feel (not having a go at him over it) and he should respect your feelings.

At the minute he thinks you’re a psycho because you’ve been over thinking it in your head and then exploded instead of just calmly communicating how you feel.

badgerybadgerboo · 19/08/2022 20:36

Do they have each others numbers? Wondering if he has mentionitis....

Oysterbabe · 19/08/2022 20:38

I think you are being absolutely ridiculous. I have a bit of a crush on one of DH's friends, he's an attractive and charismatic man. I'm married, not dead inside. As long as behaviour remains appropriate and everyone is loyal to their partners, what does it matter?

Mrstumbletap · 19/08/2022 20:39

I do unfortunately think your overreacting and I know you don't want hear that because you are obviously quite jealous and it's upsetting you.

But... to reassure you I think fancying other people is quite normal. I think if you are married 40/50 years you are going to fancy lots of people, acting on it is the problem.

Whether it's a celebrity, a co-worker, a friend of your partners etc. so he finds her attractive so what?

Lots of men fancy Megan Fox, Kelly Brook, Beyoncé, etc would your husband fancying a celebrity and making it obvious, make you upset too? Or is it more because she is in person and you think something might happen? Because that is more about trust.

MrsLighthouse · 19/08/2022 20:41

I’m not even the jealous type, but my husband definitely mentions one of my friends more than others and once mentioned that she has long legs. l don’t . I tried not to show how pissed off l was, but l did say “ thanks for pointing out her legs ….maybe you’d like me to mention David’s ( his friend ) six pack ! He kind of got it but now l refer to her as “his muse” and laugh, so it’s become a bit of a joke.

goshy · 19/08/2022 20:41

if it's any consolation all the "flirts" i've known don't flirt with someone they actually fancy, they can get quite shy.

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