I think my dh fancies my friend

[fdkc]

Ok this thought is actually taking over my whole life at the moment, I can think of nothing else. I even dream about it. I have a good friend who I became friends with 5 years ago when we moved across the street from her and our kids started playing together. She is a good friend and I enjoy her company. I have noticed over the last year or so that my husband really likes her personality wise which is fine cause she's good fun but what bothers me is he talks about her quite a bit. Just innocent things like "I saw Mary today", "have you heard from Mary lately" and if I have been to her house he'll ask how she is and if she had any news. She is also married.

I don't know whether I am going insane with jealousy because she is very attractive or I actually might have something to worry about. This thought never entered my head for the first few years of our friendship and we actually did alot of couples nights out before COVID. We met a few times in each others gardens during COVID but in the last year as we got back to seeing each other more, I feel my husband is definitely showing more interest in her than he would have done.

So my husband mentions her again last week and I lost it, I went bloody mental like a psycho actually. I don't know what came over me but my insecurities and jealousy took over and I flat out accused him of being obsessed with her, told him he never stops talking about her etc etc. In my defence I had my period. He was gobsmacked, he called me an absolute psycho, obviously denied outright that he fancied her at all. But guess what? I don't believe him. Please lay it out to me straight, am I a jealous psycho?

People say to trust your instincts and my instincts are telling me he fancies the pants off my friend.

Oh and what's worse is she is the biggest flirt in the world. She has always flirted with my husband but she flirts with every other male too. It never bothered me but now I actually hate her over it.

And the worst thing is, even if my dh does fancy her he will probably never admit it and I will never know for sure. It's completely affecting my relationship with my husband and my friend who I now hate even though she did nothing wrong apart from flirt but thats just her personality.

What can I do to put this out of my mind and get some peace back in my life?? And be real with me I can take it.

See, I don't think it's 'normal' to fancy someone to the extent you can't stop thinking about them if you're in a happy relationship.

There also is no indication that’s what is happening here.

It's not normal to be infatuated like that. It's just I'm not sure that's the case and never will know. It is normal to have little crushes though.

Yep I have had counseling and CBT. I used to be on meds too but havent taken anything for years

@Thatsthatthen87 Actually, I was assuming you meant ‘can’t stop’ in the ‘constantly thinking about them’ sense.

If you meant ‘can’t stop’ in the ‘continue to find them attractive even if you’re in a relationship’ sense, why would you want to? Why is finding other people attractive a problem?

No, there isn't. I was responding to an earlier reply saying 'he probably can't get her out of his mind' no doubt intended to make OP feel like shit.

Ah, fair enough.

Knowing someone is attractive is one thing, actually thinking about them constantly isn't something I personally experience when I'm happy and 'in love' with a partner. Everyone's different though obviously.

There's nothing wrong with you love.

You're just having a normal reaction to a threat who lives across the road.

I'm sure your husband loves you to bits, unfortunately there are some women out there that like to destroy others happiness, probably jealous of you.

Don't give her the satifaction of rising to it.
Cut her off, other than that get on rightmove.

This

@PiecesofFive
in addition to that OP has to never ever have friends or any contacts with neighbours again unless they look like Vecna from stranger things. If they look prettier than Vecna, better to never allow them to see her DH. Even better, to move so remote, that the only connection to the outside world is miles away. Honestly.

I personally don’t think about anyone constantly. Including my actual husband. I’m not even sure what that would entail. It sounds very dull.

Which kind of flirting was that, OP?

A married man can’t have a female friend. Sooner or later, one reason or another, it will get shut down.

Eh! My husband has female friends. Some of my male friends are married. Christ, even my parents both have friends of the opposite sex, so this isn’t a recent societal development. We’re all still clipping along fairly pleasantly.

Haha I had a massive crush on my friend's brother when I was a young teenager, pretty sure I thought about him at least 99% of the time.

Sorry OP for not actually responding to the OP. I think, when you genuinely suffer from severe anxiety, you can overthink absolutely everything and this is possibly what's happening here.

@Thatsthatthen87 That’s actually quite cute. 😂

I think the closest I came to that was Leonardo di Caprio when I was about 11 (Titanic Leo). I had a massive poster of him over my bed that I kissed good morning and good night. 😂😂😂

I have a friend like this, she flirts with everyone’s partners and I don’t think she can help it. I find it infuriating, she says it’s ‘part of her and that’s he can’t help it’ but I think that’s a rubbish excuse. I’m pretty tolerant because my Mum is like this too and she’s been faithful to my Dad (to my knowledge) for 30+ years so I think for some people there will be no desire to act on flirtation.

Like someone else said, I think it comes from a place of insecurity rather than being malicious. But still very annoying!

With regard to your partner OP, you say that he doesn’t go out much, could it be that she is one of the rare people he sees? Maybe I’m reading this wrong and you have lots of mates but if you have a smaller circle it’s natural you talk more about individual friends? Also, if you are a bit more shy (as a couple), it would make sense that you’re both a bit fascinated by this flashy, confident person as you’re so different.

That’s what it’s like with my friend - we tend to talk about her because she’s kind of outrageous and says / does outrageous things so you find yourself gossiping (not great admittedly).

OP has been friends with this woman for five years, observed her flirting with her DH and was never bothered until recently. She has obviously sensed something changing with her DH in that direction. Gut instinct whatever, trust it OP.

His reaction, calling you a psycho is classic gaslighting, and confirms your fears really.

I’d be very wary and certainly would be distancing myself from this woman who gets her kicks from flirting with her friend’s DH’s which is really disrespectful and scummy IMO.

I’d be very clear with your DH the reason why and how it has made you feel. Obviously if they are on each other’s Instagram, there’s nothing to stop them contacting each other. She could use you distancing yourself from her as reason to talk to him to ask him why. I’d be very alert for a while!

I had a friend like this and we used to go out as a foursome socially. I had this feeling about her and him and he denied it over and over again. I eventually found out I had been right and they had been having an on and off affair. He is now my ex and they are married. Good luck to them the pair of manky cheaters.

I don't think it's strange to be so upset at the thought of your spouse having fantasies about another person, especially when it's a "real" person you know (not a celebrity), who lives nearby and is part of your life. It makes me feel physically ill to think about DH imagining someone that way.

OP, I'd have a non-accusatory talk with your husband about how anxious and upset just the thought of this has made you. Tell him you know it's normal for married people to have mild crushes, but that you're feeling very sensitive about this particular friend for whatever reason. Tell him it's bothering you and you'd like him to stop asking you about her. If he continues to speak about her or if his behaviour changes in any way that seems suspicious, maybe your gut has picked up on something. More likely, he'll respect your feelings, and you'll move on with your lives.

I'd phase out the friend. See her much less often and only as part of a larger group. If that's not enough, stop seeing her at all. I have little patience with people who openly flirt with married men and women, and in any event, your friendship with her is now tainted. Will you be able to enjoy her company after this, or will you always feel resentful of her? She may be completely innocent (of anything worse than casual flirtation), but it sounds like she's a social butterfly and will be fine if you see her less often.

The thoughts of him wanking over her actually turns my stomach

Ffs that's some leap!! You're really over reacting now

Lots of men fancy Megan Fox, Kelly Brook, Beyoncé, etc would your husband fancying a celebrity and making it obvious, make you upset too?

But in most cases, Megan Fox doesn’t live over the road or come round to your house, I’d imagine?

I personally think the issue is not your dh fancying her but the fact that she flirts with him. You don’t flirt with your friend’s husband. I certainly wouldn’t.

‘Mentionitis ‘ can be a red flag for an affair though.

I meet up with my friends once a month and I spend every Saturday with my dad. I work full time and run around after the kids and their activities most of the time

How do you know she's not straight over to your house when you are taking the kids to their activities or on a Saturday when you are with your dad?

But seriously though I would go to her house and say in front of her husband that I think we shouldn't be friends anymore when they both ask why, say (in front of husband) that you are increasingly becoming annoyed by her flirting with your husband and find it disrespectful that a friend would do that, maybe her husband knows she's a flirt but he may not know the full extent of it, so tell her in front of him, because he has a right to know what kind of woman he is married to