I think my dh fancies my friend

[fdkc]

Ok this thought is actually taking over my whole life at the moment, I can think of nothing else. I even dream about it. I have a good friend who I became friends with 5 years ago when we moved across the street from her and our kids started playing together. She is a good friend and I enjoy her company. I have noticed over the last year or so that my husband really likes her personality wise which is fine cause she's good fun but what bothers me is he talks about her quite a bit. Just innocent things like "I saw Mary today", "have you heard from Mary lately" and if I have been to her house he'll ask how she is and if she had any news. She is also married.

I don't know whether I am going insane with jealousy because she is very attractive or I actually might have something to worry about. This thought never entered my head for the first few years of our friendship and we actually did alot of couples nights out before COVID. We met a few times in each others gardens during COVID but in the last year as we got back to seeing each other more, I feel my husband is definitely showing more interest in her than he would have done.

So my husband mentions her again last week and I lost it, I went bloody mental like a psycho actually. I don't know what came over me but my insecurities and jealousy took over and I flat out accused him of being obsessed with her, told him he never stops talking about her etc etc. In my defence I had my period. He was gobsmacked, he called me an absolute psycho, obviously denied outright that he fancied her at all. But guess what? I don't believe him. Please lay it out to me straight, am I a jealous psycho?

People say to trust your instincts and my instincts are telling me he fancies the pants off my friend.

Oh and what's worse is she is the biggest flirt in the world. She has always flirted with my husband but she flirts with every other male too. It never bothered me but now I actually hate her over it.

And the worst thing is, even if my dh does fancy her he will probably never admit it and I will never know for sure. It's completely affecting my relationship with my husband and my friend who I now hate even though she did nothing wrong apart from flirt but thats just her personality.

What can I do to put this out of my mind and get some peace back in my life?? And be real with me I can take it.

Are you sure that they're flirting or is that what you see through your jealousy and insecurity.
He'd be a bit daft to do anything right under you nose.
What is certain is that if you fly of at him in a rage and then blame your lack of control for being on your period then you're never going to get as sense or resolve the issue.
Being verbally abusive to your DH is only going to drive this deeper underground and off limits for discussion.
You both need to approach this with calm level heads to see where you both see the situation and better understand each others concerns.

Unfortunately we can't control our partners' emotions. He might fancy her or not, you will never know. You should remove her from your lives, but at the same time think about what had happened that made you so jealous. I think there are some underlying issues that haven't been adressed until now.

My aunt told me the same. She said keep your friends away from your husband, meet up with them outside of your home. There is no need for your friends to be your husband's friends

Sorry OP, but this “advice” from your aunt just ain’t it.

I am friends with all of my friends husbands and partners. I even danced with my friends partner last week at a mutual friends wedding. No one gave a shit. Because it was purely platonic. And vice Versa when my partner danced with some of my friends. (Not slow dance may I add. It was those high beat cheeses wedding songs)

You obviously don’t trust Mary. & I’m assuming you don’t trust your husband? That is where your emotions are coming from. Trust.

If you did trust both of them, you would have absolutely nothing to worry about.

However, your insecurities and jealousy are now getting in the way of your life. If you carry on like this you will make yourself ill.

If you do “hate” Mary then there’s only 2 things you can do moving forward. Put it behind you or cut her off. Cutting her off may be the best thing regarding your mental state at the moment but you’ll probably have to tell her why.

You need to sit down with your husband and have a calm, adult conversation. No shouting. No flipping out. No accusations. No calling each other “psycho”. Be honest with him. Show him this thread.

If you are unable to have said conversation with him or trust him then I’d be re-thinking the marriage.

Yeah this - sorry but you are behaving appallingly. From what you've said, he's asked after your friend. I think you've over reacted and owe him an apology. Periods aren't an excuse to scream and shout at your husband.

Stop seeing Mary, she doesn't need a friend who calls her easy behind her back, and it's just going to drive you insane.

He has mentioned her several times over the last year not just once

I ask my DW similar questions about her friends and much more often than several times a year. It wouldn’t even cross my mind that she might think I fancy them. They’re nice people and surely it’s part of being in a relationship to take an interest in people your partner cares about?

I've been in this situation where my friend boyfriends fancied me. My friend could totally tell and it was so awkward. I'd be very surprised if your friend doesn't know.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. It was good for me to see it from others perspectives. I honestly don't know where all this came from. I am usually not a jealous person, maybe I do have some insecurities I need to work on. I was wrong flying off the handle at dh and I will apologise tonight. Like I said in general we have a fairly solid marriage and have never given each other any reason not to trust each other. I do actually trust him and I know he would never actually do anything. I have just got this in my head now and it actually is making me ill, I need to put it behind me and move on.

I know I need to cut my friend off too because even though I have allowed her to flirt with my husband in the past without pulling her up on it because it didn't bother me, it bothers me now and I know I can't handle her doing it anymore, I'd probably just lose the plot again, at both of them this time.

Thanks is again for all your advice xx

How sad and pathetic to never let another woman into your house or your DH will jump her or she will jump on your DH. FS what a shitty attitude to have and a miserable existence.

This 100%

One thing is clear and that is that you are not her friend. I think you should distance yourself from her. The way you talk about her on this thread is awful really. You've referred to her as 'easy' and riled up the usual posters who will jump in to criticise her and gee you along with it. They're not your friends either.

Is she really flirting? Does she flirt with women also? I know many people who do this, it's not sexual, it's about making other people - and yourself - feel good. Most people who do this quickly assess when it's not appreciated and stop. It's not flirting in the real sense and they have no interest in taking any steps further. When men do this women preen, when women do this other women scowl. Odd that.

You were fine with this woman's behaviour up and until the point that your husband started asking about her. Then, all of a sudden, her behaviour (which hasn't changed) is not ok. It's your husband who needs to reassure you but as usual, it's the woman's fault.

Honestly, it's not worth the aggro. Lock him away - and don't see this woman yourself anymore. You'd be doing both you and her a massive favour and with him out of her orbit, job done.

I'm going to be honest OP- he probably does fancy her , but that's life- I've got to 60 and it's just a fact. even when we get married or live with someone long term , we still might well fancy other people. I don't like her style if she is actually flirting with him, but are you sure you aren't imagining it because your head is telling you he 'must' fancy her- seems a shame to spoil a friendship on that basis.

I agree. Your behaviour and responses sound ridiculous, and smack of teenage jealousy and immaturity.
Also, going against the grain here, lots of girls I know who other women peg as “flirts” are actually just friendly, likeable, sociable and comfortable in their own skin around both sexes. Your subsequent replies on here suggest it’s more of a you problem than a dh/Mary problem.

It really doesn’t sound like the poor sod has done anything wrong. Unless there’s a lot more to the story then you’re massively overreacting.

And calling your “friend” easy is also pretty vile.

You sound very insecure and maybe need to reflect on why that is.

As for the people saying things along the lines of don’t let other women into your house/don’t let your friends be friends with your husband etc. Wow. I feel really sorry for your husbands. The mind boggles, it really does 😐

I'm so glad I don't have this stress anymore. Ex dh used to watch our neighbour and friend intensely as she walked past. His eyes would follow her everywhere but I never said anything. They'd also flirt a bit when they were talking together. As a single woman now (on my own for 7 years), I'm very sensitive to people's feelings and never try to flirt with other people's partners. I try not to talk to them without others around and avoid being alone with them so nobody gets the wrong idea. Everyone is different and everyone has different insecurities. It's best to just respect that and keep the respect of your friends.

Well I think you are over-REACTING. You’re thinking up scenarios in your own head and working yourself into monstrous frenzy about it.

Top and bottom of it is, you think your husband fancies your friend who lives across the street.

There are a couple of things – his mentionitis and she’s a flirt – and you have put two and two together and now, in your head, she’s the biggest bitch alive and your husband is cheating on you.

So you work yourself up into a frenzy about this and, cue period, MASSIVE irrational hormonal outburst.

Yes, he might find her attractive. Yes, he might like her flirty attention. No he might not actually fancy her. If her personality is flirty/bubbly then that’s her. You’ve picked up on something and blown it all out of proportion.

Your husband being gobsmacked at the accusations is very telling – have a think about that. I’m not surprised he called you a psycho – you was.

It can’t be helped now and what’s done is done. But you CAN apologise to him for the way you spoke to him and open a dialogue about your concerns in a rational way.

If you’re not normally angrily irrational round your period (even just feeling it on the inside and not letting it out) you might have developed a hormone imbalance or in the early stages of pregnancy or perimenopause. Might be worth a chat with your doc because hormonal rage is a “thing” (google it). It doesn’t excuse your behaviour in the slightest but it might explain it, along with the irrational, self-escalating anxiety/jealousy/thoughts.

Nah I think you are crazy tbh and ruining your own marriage

You avoid speaking to friends’ partners unless there’s someone else around? That’s quite a depressing way to approach life 😦

I thInk you have a friend problem, rather than a DH problem - if she wasn't flirty then him mentioning her wouldn't be a problem.

We have neighbours that we're very good friends with and socialise a lot together, DH can mention x,y,z about my neighbour without me batting an eyelid....but that's because there's no flirting - REAL friends don't flirt with friends husband.

Your friend sounds like an airhead, op. Who flirts with a friend’s husband? I would drop her. BTW, saying a woman is ‘easy’ sounds very misogynistic. Are men called ‘easy’? Thought not.

This is a really depressing thread. Don’t allow other women into your house? Don’t speak to friends’ partners? I’m sorry but if you have a relationship where you don’t “allow” your partner to talk to people of the opposite sex, then I’d suggest it’s not a great relationship overall. Where’s the trust and respect?

I suspect I’m one of those women you’d call flirty. I’m not though, I’m just friendly and open and like people, and I behave in the same way towards everyone.

Dh had loads of female friends - in fact I’ve just remembered when on one occasion he went out to lunch with one, and a mutual acquaintance of ours saw him. Mutual acquaintance gave dh the nod and the wink as if to say “don’t worry mate, I won’t say anything”. Dh explained he was with a friend but mutual acquaintance seemed to have difficulty understanding that people of opposite sexes can just be friends!

Well she my not be able to help it but it's causing massive friction in your marriage and it is not what respectful loving friends do. So I think you;re pretty generous to say she has done nothingh wrong. He probably does fancy her a bit but men fancy a lot of women especaially flirtatious ones. It doesn't mean they would do anything.

I'd sit down with him. Apologise for the PMT outburst and say you know it was OTT but you do get upset that she flirts with men including him and you can see him responding. Just say that. Ask him to be honest to clear the air.

Do you know for definite they don't have each other's numbers? And Instagram has a messaging function so they could message each other. How does he react when she flirts with him? I don't necessarily think you're over reacting but you need more to go on.

I would be fascinated to know what the 'flirting' consists of. From the friend.

As pp said is she just a confident/comfortable with her own attractiveness sort of woman? A refusal to be suitably ashamed of being pretty?
Are we talking hair flicking, lip licking, eyes locked, leg crossing/uncrossing, ''ooooh i bet you're good with your hands big boy'' full on stuff or is it just that she brings her attractive self over to yours and has a laugh and a chat and enjoys you and your DHs company equally?

Either way i echo what others have said though. I think this is bigger in your head than either of theirs.

Cut her off if it makes you feel better. But you can't keep your DH from ever clapping eyes on other women. You either trust him or you don't.

This is your own jealousy talking which at the end of the day is your problem to try and get over.

I’m sure like most adults he has crushes on other women and one of these could be your friend but he’s not done anything actually wrong and you can’t get mad because he’s cheating on you in your dreams.

I'm on the side of your husband. I think you need to get some perspective. Your husband never sees or communicates with your friend and when you see her, he asks how she is and because of that you're going to cut her off because you think he's wanking over her? I honestly think you have some issues going on here and taking it out on your husband is unfair.