I think my dh fancies my friend

[fdkc]

Ok this thought is actually taking over my whole life at the moment, I can think of nothing else. I even dream about it. I have a good friend who I became friends with 5 years ago when we moved across the street from her and our kids started playing together. She is a good friend and I enjoy her company. I have noticed over the last year or so that my husband really likes her personality wise which is fine cause she's good fun but what bothers me is he talks about her quite a bit. Just innocent things like "I saw Mary today", "have you heard from Mary lately" and if I have been to her house he'll ask how she is and if she had any news. She is also married.

I don't know whether I am going insane with jealousy because she is very attractive or I actually might have something to worry about. This thought never entered my head for the first few years of our friendship and we actually did alot of couples nights out before COVID. We met a few times in each others gardens during COVID but in the last year as we got back to seeing each other more, I feel my husband is definitely showing more interest in her than he would have done.

So my husband mentions her again last week and I lost it, I went bloody mental like a psycho actually. I don't know what came over me but my insecurities and jealousy took over and I flat out accused him of being obsessed with her, told him he never stops talking about her etc etc. In my defence I had my period. He was gobsmacked, he called me an absolute psycho, obviously denied outright that he fancied her at all. But guess what? I don't believe him. Please lay it out to me straight, am I a jealous psycho?

People say to trust your instincts and my instincts are telling me he fancies the pants off my friend.

Oh and what's worse is she is the biggest flirt in the world. She has always flirted with my husband but she flirts with every other male too. It never bothered me but now I actually hate her over it.

And the worst thing is, even if my dh does fancy her he will probably never admit it and I will never know for sure. It's completely affecting my relationship with my husband and my friend who I now hate even though she did nothing wrong apart from flirt but thats just her personality.

What can I do to put this out of my mind and get some peace back in my life?? And be real with me I can take it.

You’ve had some proper grief in this thread, and don’t think you should have.

She sounds pretty awful. You don’t flirt with your friend’s husbands, it’s a boundary that shouldn’t be crossed. I know someone like it and we barely see her because it’s bloody annoying, not because I don’t trust my husband, but because she’s taking the piss going there. Because of that I’d get rid of this friend, she sounds like a twat.

Also I do feel for you being so anxious. This must be unsettling, not because there’s much grounds for your worry regarding your husband, but because you’ve got that horrid feeling in your gut.

Be rid of her, she’s no loss.

Ok but how did she flirt? Is there any example on this thread of how she flirted exactly? What qualified as flirting? Please forgive me if I missed, but I shamefully want to know. I’m friends with 2 of my best friends husbands and I don’t want to be once interpreted wrong.

I agree @Iknowforsure1 is she v touchy feely, laughing intimately tucked away in a corner with him all cosied in, or are they just talking? And maybe laughing?

@MichelleScarn
I am also curious. There are times when we talk and laugh a lot with friends H/partners. Sometimes after the big events or celebrations there will be a hug/peck on the cheek, but everyone does that. Have each others numbers, but we don’t chat by phone except from time to time they may text to organise a playdate so we meet with the children. Do I have to artificially tune it down? Be more “appropriate”? I don’t know. I behave the same with my colleagues I’m friendly with. This thread did make me paranoid. Although actually after a lot of self search I do think I felt like OP once. There is this acquaintance of mine who I really like personally. Lovely woman, pretty but nothing special. My DH used to kind of “light up” around her and he was happy to have a convo even though generally he’s not a chatter. It was the only time in our long marriage I felt “threatened”, but we totally were going through a bumpy stage of our marriage, constantly fed up with each other. I think we can’t hide from the world or hide DHs from liking or communicating with people. However it may highlight our insecurities.

Got to agree with above but I’m not even convinced he fancies your friend. You sound almost unhinged and a lot of women on here will happily fan the flames of your insecurity. The thing that will destroy your marriage is your irrational jealousy. I feel so sorry for your husband and friend.

Good question

Some utterly bonkers posts in this thread about never letting your husband meet your friends or letting other women in the house. Completely unhinged.

OP, a lot of the things you mention are a spectrum and it seems like you're observing a mild indication on one end, and blowing it up in your mind to the other extreme.

Your husband asks after your friend - he likes her and probably thinks she's attractive. This is normal, I ask after DP's friends and find some of them attractive (not that the former actually means the latter, I ask after his friends because I like them as people). There's a big step from that to having a proper crush on her. But even a crush is natural as long as it's not acted on, you can't help it. There's a huge step from that to really inappropriate behaviour and cheating. Also, you do need to stop imagining what he's wanking over. That seems really intrusive and unhealthy.

Your friend flirts - like PP I've known women get called flirts who are just confident and gregarious. I also know women who are outrageous flirts but they really do it to everyone and are never making an actual play (someone else noted that when this type is around someone they're actually into, they go really shy). And of course there's the toxic type who do actually flirt with other people's partners as a power play. Hard to say where on this spectrum your friend is but from your info it seems she's one of the first two and what she's doing is harmless.

You're catastrophising, and this is causing you to act poorly - blowing up at your husband, calling your friend "easy" on here. I think you know you are because your real question is why this affects you so much, not really about their behaviour. I wasn't surprised at the update about your anxiety and I think that might be the root of your spiralling thoughts - I'd see a GP and try to get that sorted. Good luck.

Even if he finds her attractive he loves and is married to you.

I'd be the same as you, OP.
YANBU.

The fact that she is very attractive and a flirt isn’t sitting well with you. Maybe there is more issues with your friendship than with your marriage. Or maybe you need to think what your insecurities are? It doesn’t sound like your husband has acted on the flirting from her and has made general conversation. I think maybe you need to be honest with him.

Your husband has done nothing wrong and you've blown this completely out of proportion. He's mentioned her a couple of times, in the same way he's probably mentioned lots of other people a couple of times and you have not noticed. Your anxieties are playing up and you've completely overreacted.

Please get some professional help!

Also labelling your friend as "easy" is very judgemental. I hope she never finds out what you really think of her. Or maybe it's better if she finds out so that she can walk away from this fake friendship

Always, always, always listen to your gut. I'm older now, and I can't believe the crap I overlooked, or made excuses for, when I was young. For eg. my "friend" constantly bending over in front of my husband and "accidentally" showing her breasts. The same friend sleeping over and then coming down to breakfast in a completely see through nightie. Another "friend" texting my husband saying that she was "lying in the bath with a glass of wine". A work colleague sitting on his lap at a dinner dance. Yes, you guessed it, he slept with them all. He is an Ex husband now. Listen to your inner voice. It's there for a reason.

PS. Got a much nicer 2nd husband now! I wouldn't stand for any shit even for a second, and he knows it.

I get you OP.

My ex was infatuated with his SIL. Couldn't take his eyes off her, mentionitis etc. Nothing would ever have happened between them as she is married to his brother and clearly didn't like him in that way, but I found it so hurtful as it was so obvious!

My partner finding other women attractive is fine by me, but not the point where they are wanking over your best friends, surely? Genuinely shocked by the number of responses that seem to accept that it is, and if you can't get your head around it you're a jealous psycho?

He’s not wanking to her, to be the best of OP’s knowledge. Nor is he mooning after her like a lovestruck teen. By OP’s own admission, none of these things are happening.

She is obsessing over the fact that he might be dreaming about another woman and has stated that she would never forgive him if that were the case. That’s not a rational or healthy thought process, which other posters have pointed out and OP recognises.

People should Google "flirting".

It is a completely different type of interaction to being friendly and engaging.

Flirting by definition is to imply sexual attraction whilst not being serious but more playful.

That is not an interaction that a person respectful of you would have with your husband IMO.

I would definitely stop being her friend @fdkc .

Yep I have had counseling and CBT. I used to be on meds too but havent taken anything for years

Perhaps it's worth chatting to your doctor and looking into options? There are all sorts of treatments they can try.

I know what flirting is. But I've also seen people accused of flirting who really, really weren't. And there's a correlation between that and being a confident, friendly (and attractive) woman.

(And that's not on my behalf, not with my awkward RBF default mode!)

@fdkc “Yep I have had counseling and CBT. I used to be on meds too but havent taken anything for years”

Revisit this urgently. You’re having what’s called an “acute” episode.

Your head’s all over the place and it’s spiralling because of THOUGHTS that you are creating. Not fact, or truth or reality.

Agree @DatingDinosaur and all this egging on with the 'stop being friends' 'she's after him' etc etc are not helpful for OP.

all this egging on with the 'stop being friends'

@MichelleScarn I don't think suggesting OP stops being friends with someone who flirts with people's husbands (including OP's) is excessive.

But I've also seen people accused of flirting who really, really weren't

@gannett I'm sure this entire social circle who think this woman flirts with married men aren't wrong.

@fdkc Out of interest, could you give us some examples of what she says/does that's flirty?

Is what's really bothering you. Is that maybe he does have connection with her and he doesn't have that with you.
So that's what makes you think he fancies her and when he mentions her.

I wouldn't tell him you feel he fancies her say do you dream of sex with her. You might end up planting a seed in his head that wasn't there.

There's something between you and your partner that is missing and when he talks to her you see them connect and it makes you feel uneasy. I wouldn't like her flirting with him though. That's what he probably likes.

I would say he probably does thing she beautiful but he won't tell you that. Maybe he does wish you was more like her again he wouldn't tell you that to upset you.

I would just see her on your own.

I feel a bit sorry for your oh and your friend

This isn't really about them, it's about your anxiety, jealousy and insecurities.

You need to get help for them because this isn't really a normal reaction.

If the flirting bothers you that much you need to tell your friend to quit it and tell your oh to quit the mentionitis

Imagine calling your friend easy. That's awful

I feel a bit sorry for your oh and your friend. This isn't really about them, it's about your anxiety, jealousy and insecurities. You need to get help for them because this isn't really a normal reaction.

@Topgub We don't know if OP is overreacting as we don't know what the friend is actually doing. I had a 'friend' make a play for my then partner and it was absolutely blatant and appaling. Other people who were there noticed it too. She was effectively inviting him round to hers for sex; she said to 'fix her computer' but it was obvious what was meant. It really wasn't ok and it was beyond 'easy.' She had had sex for money in the past as well, and done other stuff to try and sabotage my relationship.

It may not be all of it but this could be to do with your returning mental illness.so your joy gettingnill because of this situation but rather you taking this situation because your in fact ill again.and this fear and anxiety is summoned onto him.it may be based on slight things he is doing but your illness will be mounting it up to a height you can’t stand.thoughts aren’t facts op. Relationships are often very very often victims of ocd,anxiety and panic disorder. This is because the illnesses are evil.and they hang on and use anything that is important to you.and then squirms and stabs you with all your fears about it until your so low you do it’s bidding.
this sense of feeling mad,can’t sleep or stop thinking and agonising over it are all symptoms of your Illnesses.so too is the thought spirals your having over it.
your mental healthy,your self worth at the moment seems shot.I think a real real way through this will be to either get support with you illnesses again.or do some self help stuff if that feels enough.

Most likely to lead to an affair = proximity
Most likely to lead to a friendship = proximity.
Most likely to lead to a certain job = proximity
Most likely to lead to a marriage = proximity
Most likely dietary choices = proximity
Most likely education = proximity
...

The most important factor in a man I choose =Availability (not married, has time to spare, wants to "engage" with me)

So maybe that valuable advice is a little... captain obvious?
Sometimes empty words sound a bit clever. 🙄