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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my dh fancies my friend

203 replies

fdkc · 19/08/2022 19:56

Ok this thought is actually taking over my whole life at the moment, I can think of nothing else. I even dream about it. I have a good friend who I became friends with 5 years ago when we moved across the street from her and our kids started playing together. She is a good friend and I enjoy her company. I have noticed over the last year or so that my husband really likes her personality wise which is fine cause she's good fun but what bothers me is he talks about her quite a bit. Just innocent things like "I saw Mary today", "have you heard from Mary lately" and if I have been to her house he'll ask how she is and if she had any news. She is also married.

I don't know whether I am going insane with jealousy because she is very attractive or I actually might have something to worry about. This thought never entered my head for the first few years of our friendship and we actually did alot of couples nights out before COVID. We met a few times in each others gardens during COVID but in the last year as we got back to seeing each other more, I feel my husband is definitely showing more interest in her than he would have done.

So my husband mentions her again last week and I lost it, I went bloody mental like a psycho actually. I don't know what came over me but my insecurities and jealousy took over and I flat out accused him of being obsessed with her, told him he never stops talking about her etc etc. In my defence I had my period. He was gobsmacked, he called me an absolute psycho, obviously denied outright that he fancied her at all. But guess what? I don't believe him. Please lay it out to me straight, am I a jealous psycho?

People say to trust your instincts and my instincts are telling me he fancies the pants off my friend.

Oh and what's worse is she is the biggest flirt in the world. She has always flirted with my husband but she flirts with every other male too. It never bothered me but now I actually hate her over it.

And the worst thing is, even if my dh does fancy her he will probably never admit it and I will never know for sure. It's completely affecting my relationship with my husband and my friend who I now hate even though she did nothing wrong apart from flirt but thats just her personality.

What can I do to put this out of my mind and get some peace back in my life?? And be real with me I can take it.

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 19/08/2022 20:42

There is a thread on here at the moment called what's the saddest thing that's ever happened to you and how did you get over it or words to that effect. There is also one called worst betrayals. In both there are women whose husbands and best friends had affairs. It must be absolutely heartbreaking to know the two people who know most about you could stab you in the back!

So I just want to say these things can happen and you're right to tell him it's not ok.

Original poster
fdkc · 19/08/2022 20:42

No he never tried meet up with her or has even suggested doing anything as a couple in ages. I think that might be because he had a feeling I was getting jealous of him mentioning her so he just stopped for a few months.

No they don't have each others numbers and don't communicate with each other unless it's at our home and I'm there. They do follow each other on Instagram but he follows all my friends and I follow his.

I know nothing has gone on, he has no pin code on his phone and leaves it lying around all the time, he goes nowhere without me apart from work. It's not that, it's just this feeling I can't shake that he fancies her and if he does it means he's getting turned on thinking about her and not me. Is he even imagining her when we are having sex? Oh god I need to stop thinking about this cause like someone said there's nothing I can do about it anyway.

OP posts:
goshy · 19/08/2022 20:43

@MrsLighthouse does she have long legs though?

Pollyjun · 19/08/2022 20:45

I’m sorry, I’m so confused? It doesn’t sound
like there’s any flirting here. You husband asked how your mutual friend was and you hit the roof and can’t sleep?

Original poster
fdkc · 19/08/2022 20:48

Oysterbabe · 19/08/2022 20:38

I think you are being absolutely ridiculous. I have a bit of a crush on one of DH's friends, he's an attractive and charismatic man. I'm married, not dead inside. As long as behaviour remains appropriate and everyone is loyal to their partners, what does it matter?

When you say you have a bit of a crush what does that mean? Do you day dream about having sex with him or??? I'm just curious. It's been so long since I had a crush, I think maybe 7 years ago and I did imagine having sex with them. Dh didn't o ow them though and as much as I imagined having sex with them, I knew if they came near me in real life I'd tell them to feck off cause I'd never hurt my husband. I don't care about him having crushes, I just wish it wasn't obvious that he fancied my very attractive friend, it's unnerving and upsetting to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
fdkc · 19/08/2022 20:50

Pollyjun · 19/08/2022 20:45

I’m sorry, I’m so confused? It doesn’t sound
like there’s any flirting here. You husband asked how your mutual friend was and you hit the roof and can’t sleep?

Ah now come on there's more to it than that. Don't make me sound crazy altogether 😂😂

He has mentioned her several times over the last year not just once and she flirts with him constantly. He never asks about my other friends.

OP posts:
CloudCatz · 19/08/2022 20:53

He probably can't get her out of his mind

This is just wrong. Does he think about his actual partner as much as he fantasises about this other woman? I'd tell him to go fuck her and divorce him.

StopStartStop · 19/08/2022 20:53

Sack Mary. She's not your friend.

My mother told me, over half a century ago, that the thing men like best about women is availability (nothing else counts) and that what is most likely to lead to an affair is proximity.

My grandma never allowed another woman into the house. Any one of them could be 'Judy the Second', the woman who wants to be his next wife.

Original poster
fdkc · 19/08/2022 20:56

CloudCatz · 19/08/2022 20:53

He probably can't get her out of his mind

This is just wrong. Does he think about his actual partner as much as he fantasises about this other woman? I'd tell him to go fuck her and divorce him.

That may be jumping the gun a bit just incase I am over reacting and he doesn't fancy her. I am pretty sure he does but I can't prove it. If anything actually happened though or he even texted her behind my back, divorce would be the first thing I would do.

OP posts:
HazyAmethyst · 19/08/2022 20:56

Lots of men fancy Megan Fox, Kelly Brook, Beyoncé, etc would your husband fancying a celebrity and making it obvious, make you upset too?

Yes. I think it's disrespectful. I don't make my male celebrity crushes known to DP. Thankfully, he feels the same way as me and wouldn't like me doing it.

Cheeseandlobster · 19/08/2022 20:56

You had my sympathy until you referred to her as easy.

CloudCatz · 19/08/2022 20:57

That may be jumping the gun a bit just incase I am over reacting and he doesn't fancy her.

I meant I would tell him to do that if he really "couldn't get her out of his mind", as in if he ever admitted that or I had some proof.

Original poster
fdkc · 19/08/2022 20:58

StopStartStop · 19/08/2022 20:53

Sack Mary. She's not your friend.

My mother told me, over half a century ago, that the thing men like best about women is availability (nothing else counts) and that what is most likely to lead to an affair is proximity.

My grandma never allowed another woman into the house. Any one of them could be 'Judy the Second', the woman who wants to be his next wife.

My aunt told me the same. She said keep your friends away from your husband, meet up with them outside of your home. There is no need for your friends to be your husband's friends. In general this is what I do with all my friends but I never felt I had to before, now I feel I need to keep my friend away from my house and we only live across the green from each other.

OP posts:
OwlInBoots · 19/08/2022 20:59

How on earth do we know if he fancies her? He's mentioned her twice this year did you say?

I mean, if he's mooning about outside her house trying to catch a glimpse then yeah maybe. But the rest is just guess work - we aren't there are we?

It's pretty unpleasant to call your friend easy btw.

Minimalme · 19/08/2022 21:00

He mentioned her a couple of times after not seeing her for months. It's hardly a second phone, aftershave and sudden visits to the gym is it?

Instead of shouting at your dh, apologise for your childish way of dealing with something you feel insecure about.

Talk to dh, tell him you are sorry you lost it but you are feeling very insecure and need his help to work out why.

Original poster
fdkc · 19/08/2022 21:00

CloudCatz · 19/08/2022 20:57

That may be jumping the gun a bit just incase I am over reacting and he doesn't fancy her.

I meant I would tell him to do that if he really "couldn't get her out of his mind", as in if he ever admitted that or I had some proof.

I agree but I doubt any man would ever actually admit to this.

OP posts:
Bobshhh · 19/08/2022 21:03

I mean, from what you've said this feels like a massive overreaction! I often mention male neighbours / friends I've seen to my husband but that doesn't mean I'm madly in love with them or having a wild affair!

Similarly when he mentions seeing our mega babe neighbour I just think it's nice we get on with the people we live near!

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/08/2022 21:03

It’s a crush. Annoying but not serious.

It’s bitchy to refer to your friends as easy, even if their flirting is annoying.

One solution is to just drop her

Titsywoo · 19/08/2022 21:04

Sounds like you are writing yourself a story based mainly on your own insecurities. You should apologise to your husband and have a calm conversation with him about how you are feeling.

Bobshhh · 19/08/2022 21:05

StopStartStop · 19/08/2022 20:53

Sack Mary. She's not your friend.

My mother told me, over half a century ago, that the thing men like best about women is availability (nothing else counts) and that what is most likely to lead to an affair is proximity.

My grandma never allowed another woman into the house. Any one of them could be 'Judy the Second', the woman who wants to be his next wife.

Also this is a bloody terrible perspective!

One of the best thing about being in a relationships is having shared friends and joined lives.

InquiringMinds · 19/08/2022 21:06

Been through this and it was hell. We had to move as it drove me nuts and my friend refused to change. Never spoke to her again as it was the norm for her to flirt with everyone’s other halves. She pretty much destroyed our relationship. So sorry you are going through this. The fact that your other half mentions her so often is a red flag as in, cut her out of your lives asap.

Pollyjun · 19/08/2022 21:08

fdkc · 19/08/2022 20:50

Ah now come on there's more to it than that. Don't make me sound crazy altogether 😂😂

He has mentioned her several times over the last year not just once and she flirts with him constantly. He never asks about my other friends.

Show quote history

He mentioned her several times over the last year?
You say she’s friendly, funny, attractive so he probably does like her, and likes the attention if she’s flirty.. but doesn’t mean he full on fancies her.
How is he with you? Does he treat you badly or dismissively or make you feel insecure?
Has he cheated in the past? Is it just that it feels so blatant to you that he fancies her?

Honestly I would imagine that in almost every long term couple, the husband or wife or partner will have fancied someone else a little bit at some point. It’s human nature.
But it’s better to be a bit discreet about it to not make your partner feel insecure or jealous (definitely just talking about finding someone else attractive, not talking about actually cheating or an emotional affair, that’s very different)

ExtraOnion · 19/08/2022 21:10

“Keep your friends away from your husband” what sort of nonsense is this ? Are you going to saying that men & women can’t be friends ?

What does this “flirting” comprise of ? Talking, like a normal adult ?

If you are the kind of person who sees all other women as predatory, and not to be trusted around men, you’ll be seeing flirtations all over.

Pollyjun · 19/08/2022 21:10

fdkc · 19/08/2022 20:58

My aunt told me the same. She said keep your friends away from your husband, meet up with them outside of your home. There is no need for your friends to be your husband's friends. In general this is what I do with all my friends but I never felt I had to before, now I feel I need to keep my friend away from my house and we only live across the green from each other.

Show quote history

I’m sorry but this is actually insane.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2022 21:12

Something else is going on in your marriage causing this fixation. He hasn’t done anything wrong and calling you a psycho might not be very sensitive but neither was you unleashing a torrent of verbal abuse on an unsuspecting bloke who happened to mention a mutual friend. You’ve let the whole thing get wildly out of control in your head. You should apologise for what you’ve accused him of. Blaming your period is ridiculous, own your shit.