I think my dh fancies my friend

[fdkc]

Ok this thought is actually taking over my whole life at the moment, I can think of nothing else. I even dream about it. I have a good friend who I became friends with 5 years ago when we moved across the street from her and our kids started playing together. She is a good friend and I enjoy her company. I have noticed over the last year or so that my husband really likes her personality wise which is fine cause she's good fun but what bothers me is he talks about her quite a bit. Just innocent things like "I saw Mary today", "have you heard from Mary lately" and if I have been to her house he'll ask how she is and if she had any news. She is also married.

I don't know whether I am going insane with jealousy because she is very attractive or I actually might have something to worry about. This thought never entered my head for the first few years of our friendship and we actually did alot of couples nights out before COVID. We met a few times in each others gardens during COVID but in the last year as we got back to seeing each other more, I feel my husband is definitely showing more interest in her than he would have done.

So my husband mentions her again last week and I lost it, I went bloody mental like a psycho actually. I don't know what came over me but my insecurities and jealousy took over and I flat out accused him of being obsessed with her, told him he never stops talking about her etc etc. In my defence I had my period. He was gobsmacked, he called me an absolute psycho, obviously denied outright that he fancied her at all. But guess what? I don't believe him. Please lay it out to me straight, am I a jealous psycho?

People say to trust your instincts and my instincts are telling me he fancies the pants off my friend.

Oh and what's worse is she is the biggest flirt in the world. She has always flirted with my husband but she flirts with every other male too. It never bothered me but now I actually hate her over it.

And the worst thing is, even if my dh does fancy her he will probably never admit it and I will never know for sure. It's completely affecting my relationship with my husband and my friend who I now hate even though she did nothing wrong apart from flirt but thats just her personality.

What can I do to put this out of my mind and get some peace back in my life?? And be real with me I can take it.

I am imagining this if the roles were reversed, and I would be LIVID if I were accused of fancying one of dh’s friends just because I took an interest in him!! Couldn’t it be that she’s interesting/often has gossip?

he goes nowhere without me apart from work
By choice or instruction? Never? Do you do the same?

Hormonal mood swings and outbursts are a real thing!

Some women have PMDD and turn into a completely different person for 7 days out of 30 through no fault of their own. I'm incredibly sensitive to hormonal changes and can go from my usual calm and collected self to borderline suicidal for no reason other than the fact I'm ovulating or about to start my period.

Please don't minimise the very real problems some women have with their hormones and associated mental health.

It is annoying when it comes from a bloke but when a woman is telling you she's feeling off kilter due to her hormones then believe her.

OP - I get it. The mentionitis. My DH went through a phase of mentioning one particular member of staff at our DC's nursery alot. One day she wrote a kind comment under a photo of DS on the (private) nursery Instagram which I relayed to DH, cue him asking me what her last name was! That didn't go down well with me and I made a note of it and filed it away with the other dozens of times he's asked questions. Fortunately it wasn't my TOTM but if it was I may well have responded like you did.

Don't worry, it'll fizzle out.

'Cheating with the mind' 🤣🤣🤣

Yes! Isn’t it a well known fact that women can have mood swings during the time of the month?! I don’t get why people are dismissing the OP about that…

And I think you’ve made a ridiculous statement!

You don’t know this woman, you’ve never met her, OP has not give any actual examples of how she behaves.

As PP have pointed out; some people are interested and interesting. They talk with anyone and often make those people laugh/smile/discuss them because kind, positive interaction makes other people feel good. If that is flirting then I ‘flirted’ with my 92 year old granny today!

It sounds to me that this woman is fun, friendly and attractive and has done nothing wrong.

OP’s husband may have a crush on her but is not acting on it and therefore has also done nothing wrong.

The only person who has behaved badly is OP

You have a very strong reaction without much evidence. Is it possible you feel a bit of passion for this friend yourself?

Presumably even if you had a chance, you wouldn’t cheat on your husband/partner with him, though? I have zero desire to have sex with either Idris Elba or the gorgeous man in the shop, I just think they’re gorgeous. The outcome of the situation has nothing to do with them and whether or not they fancy me, as well.

A crush is a harmless fantasy. It’s finding another person attractive. Whether it’s someone you see every day or a celebrity, that’s all it is. It’s nothing to do with fidelity or your relationship.

Oooh, that would be considerably more fun post!

Follow your gut. You know your husband.

''No he never tried meet up with her or has even suggested doing anything as a couple in ages. I think that might be because he had a feeling I was getting jealous of him mentioning her so he just stopped for a few months.''

Thats quite reassuring. Hes obviously thinking about your feelings in all of this. The fact they dont have each others numbers either is another good thing.
Is it quite possible that because shes attractive and a bit of a flirt is that its bringing up some insecurities in yourself. And because of this, its magnifying a simple 'hows mary' into something it isnt?

I agree, you know all the players, we don't.

Just don't feel guilty, she sounds rude annoying and over confident.

You assert your boundaries and keep her at bay, you can't like everyone and that goes for flitatious disrespectful neighbours who bore the shit out of you.

What's her husband like ? ugly ? worth donning your best vixen outfit and hair stroking pose at him to even the stakes, throw in some great compliments of him to your husband.

I've noticed flirts don't entirely like it when the favour is returned.

His choice. He is a family man and we are pretty much his everything. He doesn't get on with his parents and only has 1 brother. He plays darts in his shed and loves techno music. He meets up with friends about 4 times a year except for one of his best friends who calls to our house twice or three times a week. We have teenage sons that he spends alot of time with watching and talking about soccer.

I meet up with my friends once a month and I spend every Saturday with my dad. I work full time and run around after the kids and their activities most of the time.

Nah

Yep I know for definite, I have checked

So, he’s devoted to you and you know there’s nothing going on. It’s just the idea that he might be attracted to someone else that’s driving you nuts? Why, exactly?

Yes her husband is attractive but not as attractive as my dh in my humble opinion. Even if I did start flirting with her dh which I would never do, she wouldn't care. She thinks her dh is lucky to have her and is not shy about telling him or others.

People saying she probably isn't flirting and just friendly and playful are very wrong. It is not just me that has this opinion, she is known for it in our circle and laughs it off when it is said to her. She is extremely confident which she should be but it is very in your face. Actually I would rather her confidence than my insecurities any day.

I don't know why, I wish I did. This is the first time in our 20 year relationship that I have ever been this jealous or irrational.

It's seriously upset me and I want it to stop. Why do I care so much if he fancies her?? I know there is nothing I can do about it anyway.

It's seriously upset me and I want it to stop. Why do I care so much if he fancies her?? I know there is nothing I can do about it anyway.

Because you are envious of her. Even if you feel like you aren’t. Subconsciously you will be very envious of her. You feel insecure. Doubting DH. You are losing trust.

Honestly OP being this hung up will make you ill. You need to communicate with your DH about how you are feeling. Communication is key.

Is everything alright in your life apart from this? Relationship (apart from the sudden jealousy)? Job? Family? If something is going wrong elsewhere, you might be fixating on this as a distraction?

Literally just spitballing here, but it might make sense if that’s it.

…he talks about her quite a bit….as we got back to seeing each other more, I feel my husband is definitely showing more interest in her than he would have done.

Fdkc, you may regret your approach today, but your great concern is valid. You are there and have observed both the verbal and nonverbal behavior. Mary brazenly flirts, H is mentioning her more and more, and is showing greater interest. He is on a slippery slope.

In my view, Mary is blatantly crossing boundaries and H is flattered by her attention. She’s in his head and that is spilling out. (Mentionitis often begins the Script.) Although it is normal to feel flattered, those in monogamous relationships must keep strong boundaries to protect fidelity, and realize the danger of illicit ego validation.

H’s defensiveness/calling you psycho was manipulative, as was his denial that he finds Mary attractive. I hope that by now you’ve had a serious conversation to address your valid observations, feelings and boundaries.

One more thing: Mary is not a friend of your marriage and needs to be cut off.

I feel like I'm losing it a bit now. I do suffer with severe anxiety and panic disorder, I have done since my mum died when I was a child. I noticed it flaring up again the last few months and I feel this whole scenario is making my panic attacks worse. I know I sound mad because the scenario is hypothetical, I have no proof.

If I did ever find out he fancied her though, I would be shattered to pieces, I would never forgive him. I know that sounds irrational but that's how I feel. I keep imaging him dreaming dirty thoughts about her. I know I need to stop for my own mental health.

How do I stop? How do I care less and convince myself that it's normal for him to fancy others?

Okay, so now you’re talking about never forgiving him for dreams you think might be having. It’s great that you realise that’s neither normal nor healthy.

I think you should make an appointment with your GP and tell them how you’re feeling.

I can also really recommend the Betterhelp app. Download it and see if you find it helpful.

I’m very sorry you’re dealing with this, and you could definitely do with a bit of professional support.

Big hugs OP, I'm so sorry about your Mum. FWIW it's great that you've identified your anxiety. Have you seen a counsellor to chat about it? It maybe that talking this through with a stranger will help you identify which bits of stress are about your DH/friend situation, which parts might be your inner frightened and grieving child, and which might be something else entirely. Try and be kind to yourself. Apologise to your DH if you need to and see if you can have a better conversation with him about it.
As for your friend, people who constantly and obviously flirt for validation have issues of their own. Don't let her issues become yours. Good luck.

Do you or have you ever had counselling and professional help/support for your anxieties OP?

As I’ve said previously, you need to healthily communicate. Bottling this up, lashing out and creating scenarios in your head will do you no good.